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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else DP think its morally wrong to change his daughters nappy or bath her? but not his sons??

64 replies

AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 12:58

my fiance has 2 children with his ex (hes a bit older than me) weve been together two years and now have a wonderful daughter. he never changed his otehr daughters nappys but changed his sons and he says he feels its morally wrong for him to change and bath our daughter as shes a girl only problem is it means its always me doing it and i get up all thru the night he never has and im worn out, any advise??

OP posts:
BeeWiseMen · 05/12/2007 13:53

surprisingly common. I know 2 men who feel/felt like this although one did get over it through necessity. I don't think he can help it if it makes him feel uncomfortable but he should change the nappies/bath her anyway, perhaps jointly with you at first, and he will start to feel more comfortable about doing it. It sounds like he doesn't really want to feel this way and it's good he was able to tell you about it honestly.

KaySamuels · 05/12/2007 13:55

My sisters parnter said this when they had their first daughter and she grugingly accepted it, they then went on to have a boy and yep you guessed it, he still refuses to do his share of the dirty work!

Talk to him, tell him he can change her with you there and you will be supportive but that it is unacceptable to avoid it completely.

3missyshohoho · 05/12/2007 13:55

ditto.... Alarm bells ringing....

FairyMum · 05/12/2007 13:56

Really? This is normal? I find that disturbing. They obviously have a very unhealthy relationship to baby girls then or how else do you explain this?

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 13:57

yeh we hav an appiontment nxt week with gp together, just wondered if anyone has heard of such problems, i respect it and will help him thru it unless of course hes just being lazy but it seems a genuine problem

OP posts:
3missyshohoho · 05/12/2007 13:59

Are you worried?

S1ur · 05/12/2007 13:59

Think your dp's being ridiculous really, sorry.

Also quite offensive to suggest dedicated, loving men who care for their daughters in all areas are morally wrong?

And what on earth does it suggest about adults and men in particular? That they must have sexual feelings about all genitalia? even childrens? if not sexual, then how morally wrong?

Not saying your dp is all these things, BUT maybe he hasn't quite thought his position through....

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 13:59

but i know he has changed his son cos i was there its just his daughters he has a prob with

OP posts:
Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 13:59

but i know he has changed his son cos i was there its just his daughters he has a prob with

OP posts:
slim22 · 05/12/2007 14:00

Alix, just seen a post in "the men's room" forum and made me think you should post there to have a male perspective?
Sometimes it helps to listen to the dads.

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:02

i know he would never do anything to harm any of his children, including our daughter so im not worried more concerned hes missing out on some bonding n i dont want him feelin uncomfertable

OP posts:
Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:02

yes thats a good idea slim22 thanks

OP posts:
S1ur · 05/12/2007 14:03

ok bit unfair to call him ridiculous if he has particular repressed issues surrounding sexuality and needs counselling.
Sorry.
As a general position do think its completely wrong-headed though

TrinityRhino · 05/12/2007 14:03

wow
I never thought anyone would think like that

dh says he's never even thought about it and all 3 of our girls 7,2 and 10 months get in the bath with him.

not at the same time, we dont have a swimming pool sized bath lol

Lubyloo · 05/12/2007 14:03

Very odd

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:03

erm how do u get to mens room

OP posts:
slim22 · 05/12/2007 14:05

Click on topic list at the top of forum front page and then click there

3missyshohoho · 05/12/2007 14:06

Go to mumsnet discussions and scroll down...

slim22 · 05/12/2007 14:06

Under the heading In the club which is highlighted in blue

sparklygothkat · 05/12/2007 14:06

DH refuses to put cream on DD1's bits but she is 7 now. As a baby he would change the girls' nappies, but now they are older, if they have any problems down there, I deal with it. The same way he deals with DS1 if he has a problem. Not sick or wierd.

SweetSnowflake · 05/12/2007 14:07

sorry havent had time to read your other replies but my dp very very rarely changed our dd's bottom(unless arm twisted) and its because i was sexually abused by my father as a child and dp felt unable to do it as he didnt want me having odd thoughts about the past, i also bathed her, but he was always there, helping with the wipes/nappies, towle and lotions etc, just not actually doing it.
I trust him with all my heart, but am thankful he did do it this way regardless of me saying he was lazy till he told me why as i went through bad pnd and had some weird thoughts sometimes, that would have just done me in and at the time being so irrational, it WOULD haev botherd me.
He does everything else i do for dd, just in different ways and TBH i didnt like anyone helping to change her, so he was right thinking on step ahead of me

Doodledootoo · 05/12/2007 14:11

Message withdrawn

S1ur · 05/12/2007 14:12

No not sick or weird but a bit sad, my dp also baths with both of ours.
I think its good that our dd and ds could talk without inhibition to either parent.

I think you should always ask dcs and let them choose whatever age, I ask my 3 year old dd if I can put cream on or she wants to do it herself.

Original poster
AlixLeah · 05/12/2007 14:13

that opens a new chapter SweetSnowflake, if he is thinking the same as your DP i was sexually abused by my father too. that may be another reason he is so reluctant but mayb dusnt want to bring it all up again for me. he tried so hard to get me through it for years.

OP posts:
SweetSnowflake · 05/12/2007 14:16

well people may say hes trying to avoid doing it but in all honesty, i think he's probably making sure you dont 'think' anything and that he doesnt make you concerned?, dont know about his first dd tho?, but makes sense to me..BTW, sorry you had to go through that too

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