Apparently I’m not good enough for my partner

[mummytoisla1987]

Hi all, currently 7 months pregnant and been struggling terribly with feeling anxious and down. This pregnancy was not planned (morning after pill failed) and it’s been tough. My relationship is very good and my partner supportive..after years of having low self esteem when I was younger, had in recent years been feeling good, although lost some confidence in myself since being pregnant and struggling to walk due to my legs and back , it’s been a struggle!!

Had to go visit a friend today, who’s husband always makes snide remarks (thinking he’s funny) but today was the worst!!!! He literally sat there on front of my partner and friend and out of NOWHERE started saying how ugly I was, how my partner could do better then being with me as he is good looking, and how in fact he would be better picking any random women off the street and they would be better then me… I was mortified , usually could handle it but I’m feeling really low as it is… it was so bad we both left their house sharpish…now I’m wondering how awful /ugly I must be and how he can do better. Horrible feeling since I’m away to have a baby. Even OH said he was really shocked by how awful he was being to me for no reason and that he wasn’t surprised that I was so upset, as it was just nasty and not funny at all. Not first time it’s happened but this was the worst by far.

My OH says the guy was probably mean as he’s insecure with me being friends with his wife (I’m her only friend) … I do know the guy IS very insecure, he’s nearing 70 years old, not exactly attractive himself and with my friend who is only 37 years old..she wants kids but he’s too old so he can’t.

Even knowing this it’s thrown me that anyone can be so mean, thinking they are being funny. To be honest, I don’t think
Im as ugly as he was saying, usually told the opposite and never had any trouble getting male attention (not that it matters much). I’m not fat and although I’m told I look very young, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. More importantly I treat people well and always try to be kind to everyone.
I honestly don’t think I can go round there again as every time I go round his comments get worse and worse. How would you handle this?

He is projecting isn't he, he knows your friend would like children and you are pregnant, that is why you got the abuse. If you see him again and he does it look all concerned and tell him that socially innapropriate comments are one of the classic first signs of dementia.

Yes, I think his comments were more aimed at his wife than you - pointing out to her that he thinks pregnant women are ugly in a horrible attempt to put her off having children. She's so far under his spell that this kind of coercive control actually works.

I think if someone pulled this shit with me and my partner was sitting there saying nothing I'd have cussed the old bastard out and let loose on my partner both there and at home. There's no excuse for him sitting there having said nothing-that would be more painful than what awful things was said to me. I'm sorry this happened to you @mummytoisla1987

What a vile man. He's clearly threatened that you have a partner and is concerned your friend will cop on she can do much better like you and leave him. At least that would be my take on it.

I would also never be in his presence again. Ever.

Projection projection projection on his part. Don't take it personally.

I'm really worried for your friend. She probably didn't intervene or comment because he manipulates her to see things in a very distorted way. He is attacking you because he's scared you might help her to see who he really is. I hope you can find a way to see her without him around.

Tbf the fact your partner said nothing makes me wonder if he has actually said those things behind your back. That's literally the only reason I can think that he wouldn't have challenged him

Is this parody? It’s ludicrous. If the 70 year old was that obnoxious I’d be wondering if he has early signs of dementia. And if you sat and listened to him rather than walking out you need to get some counselling.

He probably wants to cut you out of his wife life. He sounds awfully controlling and I imagine if he's that mean to you then he must be totally horrid to her when no one is looking.

My Father did something similar to my mother, told all her friends she didn't want to ever see them again. My mother thought everyone hated her, she didn't find out the truth for 20 years! Don't let your friend lose her only form of support, just never see the mean partner again.

I am sure your partner thinks the world of you.

He has successfully isolated your friend. Is she allowed to visit you? Is she allowed to visit you alone?

I'm NOT suggesting you ever go there again, of course you shouldn't, but I can't help worrying a bit about your friend.