Apparently I’m not good enough for my partner

[mummytoisla1987]

Hi all, currently 7 months pregnant and been struggling terribly with feeling anxious and down. This pregnancy was not planned (morning after pill failed) and it’s been tough. My relationship is very good and my partner supportive..after years of having low self esteem when I was younger, had in recent years been feeling good, although lost some confidence in myself since being pregnant and struggling to walk due to my legs and back , it’s been a struggle!!

Had to go visit a friend today, who’s husband always makes snide remarks (thinking he’s funny) but today was the worst!!!! He literally sat there on front of my partner and friend and out of NOWHERE started saying how ugly I was, how my partner could do better then being with me as he is good looking, and how in fact he would be better picking any random women off the street and they would be better then me… I was mortified , usually could handle it but I’m feeling really low as it is… it was so bad we both left their house sharpish…now I’m wondering how awful /ugly I must be and how he can do better. Horrible feeling since I’m away to have a baby. Even OH said he was really shocked by how awful he was being to me for no reason and that he wasn’t surprised that I was so upset, as it was just nasty and not funny at all. Not first time it’s happened but this was the worst by far.

My OH says the guy was probably mean as he’s insecure with me being friends with his wife (I’m her only friend) … I do know the guy IS very insecure, he’s nearing 70 years old, not exactly attractive himself and with my friend who is only 37 years old..she wants kids but he’s too old so he can’t.

Even knowing this it’s thrown me that anyone can be so mean, thinking they are being funny. To be honest, I don’t think
Im as ugly as he was saying, usually told the opposite and never had any trouble getting male attention (not that it matters much). I’m not fat and although I’m told I look very young, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. More importantly I treat people well and always try to be kind to everyone.
I honestly don’t think I can go round there again as every time I go round his comments get worse and worse. How would you handle this?

This old git doesn't want his child bride looking at you in full pregnancy glow and getting the idea in her head that if she left him she could have a non pensioner partner to have a baby with and be happy. You are a threat to him, I would be inclined to go easy on your DP he may have been shocked, and if these people are your friends he may have felt unsure about speaking out and causing friction with your friend.

He wants to isolate your friend. It really is nothing to do with you or how you look. He’s just a run of the mill abuser.

Not being funny but maybe the old bloke has got early dementia or some other illness .Apparently they can get very aggressive with it .

I’ve never seen my husband be aggressive or violent but I think he’d kick off if someone was that nasty to me. I can’t believe your partner didn’t say anything at the time.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Send her a text or email:

Dear Friend, your DH made so many nasty and negative comments about me today that I left your house wondering how we could ever stay friends. On reflection, I now wonder if he deliberately said those hurtful things to damage our friendship and drive me away. I have noticed that you are now quite isolated from your friends and family which can be a sign of coercive control. I would like us to remain friends but perhaps it would be better to meet without Dickhead in future. If you need a friend to talk to, I am always here for you. Love, MummyToisla

THis is a good idea. Don't call him a dickhead though, she might get defensive about you insulting her man even if he is abusing her.

THis is a good idea. Don't call him a dickhead though, she might get defensive about you insulting her man even if he is abusing her.

Yes, definitely change ‘Dickhead’ to his actual name. 😂 I should have made that clearer, sorry!

I would have given the old guy a mouthful right there and then, if this is his usual way of speaking to you, or others, I would say, that I don't wish to be in his company again. You have to stand up to people who are nasty and ill mannered.

Why did he do this?

Because he is a nasty bitter old man who was looking at what he couldn't have.

A young, glowing, beautiful pregnant woman who wasn't "his".

The prime response most people have to jealousy is to acknowledge it and "squash" it by reflecting on what they do have, rather than what they don't.

But for some, the response is to denigrate and devalue what they actually covet.

Making it of no value means it is not worth having.

Do not feel bad about yourself. His reaction is one not if someone who thinks you lack worth - it's the opposite.

That said, you do need to work on some issues.

Frankly, your partners lack of intervention is (beyond) worrying.

Nobody (or very few) like confrontation, but for your partner to sit there and say nothing is pretty disgraceful. All he had to do was simply say "I'm not letting you talk to my partner like this, we are leaving now".

That's it. No drama, loud voices, just take a lead to get up and walk out. Frankly I'd be pretty disappointed in him right now more than anybody.

Addressing this with you partner is your biggest priority. I'm happy to fight my own battles but I'd be very pissed off (as in LTB) if DH didn't have my back in circumstances like this (and he very much would).

As for your friend, I feel sorry for her to a degree, but she's choosing to live with a man who is horrible to her friends and thinks ignoring his behaviour is the answer.

I'd back off from the relationship by telling her that as a result of his behaviour you're happy to continue to be friends with her but will not be meeting up where her partner is present.

He's just jealous because times ticking for him...... Be grateful of the fact you don't have to sit on his rancid old cock and dont pay him a seconds more thought.

"usually could handle it" - You should not have to handle it. He is an appalling person and you should never see him again. See his partner privately and hopefully if she has any sense at all she will leave him.

I am sure you are looking glowing and your partner is lovely and sees how great you are.

And sadly, I think Coyoacan is right.

"Your friend is with him because initially he was nice and now she only has one friend left. She is an abusive relationship and he only said those things to get rid of his wife's one remaining friend. This is so standard in abusive relationships. Abusers isolate their victims"

I do feel that he’s likely very insecure due to the huge age gap.

No! Get that thought right out of your head, it's making excuses for his shitty behaviour. He's an abusive asshole trying to isolate your friend from anyone who might support her in realizing she's in an abusive relationship and in getting her out. But your support can only go so far. It shouldn't extend to putting yourself in situations where you, yourself, are abused.

You need to tell your friend you love her and support her. Tell her that you will never be in a room with her partner again but that your door is always open to her.

I agree totally with Pps about the your friend's husband trying to isolate your friend.

But I'm sorry I find it very hard to understand how your partner did not defend his seven month pregnant partner from vicious insults.

Please do give this vile twisted person headspace. Im quite sure you're beautiful. Good luck with your baby xx

Please don’t let him shatter your self confidence. I recently had a man do something similar to me and spent about a year thinking well I am ugly so I can’t really object can I? I basically bought into it and yet looking back I can see that he was threatened by me and I allowed his inadequacy to undermine me. It went on and on under the guise of banter and I am ashamed that I didn’t remove myself from the situation.
I agree with the other posters that he is likely trying to drive you away to weaken his wife’s support network - god knows what he says to her in private.
Well done for calling him Rude and leaving but I do think it’s worth contacting your friend and trying to keep communication open as it sounds as if she might need help.

Don’t let a weak insecure bully grind you down!

The man was appalling! I wonder what got into him, his partner must be so ashamed. Was he drunk or does he have early onset dementia? Who in their right mind talks to anyone, never mind a pregnant woman, like that.

Try not to dwell on this. I am sure you are not ugly, indeed the man who insulted you has behaved in a very ugly fashion.

Blank him from now on. I'm glad your partner is equally outraged.

He’s threatened by your friendship with your friend and you are in the way of him totally isolating her. Being a shit to you was a means to an end. He’s a bully and a bloody supermodel would have got the same treatment because it wasn’t about you or your looks.

I am appalled that your partner just sat there! There’s not wanting confrontation and there’s what he did (or in this case, didn’t do). You are both about to become parents, which means that eventually you will both be responsible for teaching your child about boundaries, bullying, believing in themselves etc. Let this experience be a catalyst for working on both of your self worth.

OP, you did well by calling him out and getting the hell out but you need to work on not internalising other people’s shit.

How would you handle this?

If my friend had stood up for me, I would tell her privately that I am only willing to see her WITHOUT her arsehole husband in tow. If she didn't - and it sounds like she didn't, from your follow-up post - then I would cut contact with her.

Nasty man.
Such nastiness says a lot more about him than you.
Just posting to say that viagra type drugs are available so the old man should be able to get an erection. Unless he has some medical reason that he isn't safe to take them. DH takes Cialis, he's over 70.
The Dfriend is 37 so doesn't have that long if she wants to have a baby.

Your partner should have said something; there’s no way my dh would let someone be so rude to me without saying anything back. Text your friend along the lines of the message above but don’t take any of it to heart, it’s not true

Your partner should have said something; there’s no way my dh would let someone be so rude to me without saying anything back. Text your friend along the lines of the message above but don’t take any of it to heart, it’s not true

So your DH has to run to your rescue?
Why can't tell him what an ah he is?

In reality ime when these things happen you are so gobsmacked or think you have misheard or have no idea why he is going on like that and perhaps don't want to fall out with the his partner as she is the one who is actually your friend, possibly nor do you want to humiliate her, or possibly you don't wnat to make the situation worse by having a stand up screaming match - so the nasty person gets away with it.
I bet it's due to you being pregnant when his GF isn't - and also due to him being a nasty man.

I’d have definitely told him as well but my husband wouldn’t have just sat there listening to it

He doesn’t have to run to my rescue

So you just sat there while he insulted you? And your friend just sat there? And your partner just sat there?
What the hell? You have the wrong people in your life.
Also stick up for yourself.

@SassyPants

He's trying to get rid of your so your friend is completely isolated and has no friends. I know it's hard to convince yourself but this has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with scarring you off so he has complete control of your friend. I'm sure you're gorgeous.

This is an excellent response.