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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apparently I’m not good enough for my partner

84 replies

mummytoisla1987 · 18/09/2021 23:00

Hi all, currently 7 months pregnant and been struggling terribly with feeling anxious and down. This pregnancy was not planned (morning after pill failed) and it’s been tough. My relationship is very good and my partner supportive..after years of having low self esteem when I was younger, had in recent years been feeling good, although lost some confidence in myself since being pregnant and struggling to walk due to my legs and back , it’s been a struggle!!

Had to go visit a friend today, who’s husband always makes snide remarks (thinking he’s funny) but today was the worst!!!! He literally sat there on front of my partner and friend and out of NOWHERE started saying how ugly I was, how my partner could do better then being with me as he is good looking, and how in fact he would be better picking any random women off the street and they would be better then me… I was mortified , usually could handle it but I’m feeling really low as it is… it was so bad we both left their house sharpish…now I’m wondering how awful /ugly I must be and how he can do better. Horrible feeling since I’m away to have a baby. Even OH said he was really shocked by how awful he was being to me for no reason and that he wasn’t surprised that I was so upset, as it was just nasty and not funny at all. Not first time it’s happened but this was the worst by far.

My OH says the guy was probably mean as he’s insecure with me being friends with his wife (I’m her only friend) … I do know the guy IS very insecure, he’s nearing 70 years old, not exactly attractive himself and with my friend who is only 37 years old..she wants kids but he’s too old so he can’t.

Even knowing this it’s thrown me that anyone can be so mean, thinking they are being funny. To be honest, I don’t think
Im as ugly as he was saying, usually told the opposite and never had any trouble getting male attention (not that it matters much). I’m not fat and although I’m told I look very young, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. More importantly I treat people well and always try to be kind to everyone.
I honestly don’t think I can go round there again as every time I go round his comments get worse and worse. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Orangejuicemarathoner · 19/09/2021 06:56

This is an attack on your friend, not you.

It wouldn't have mattered who you are, or what you look like at all- you were irrelevant to him, your only significance to him is you are a friend of his partner, and she is not allowed to have friends.

Don't take it personally, and don't drop your friend

tempester28 · 19/09/2021 07:16

It sounds like this is nothing to do with you at all. He got what he wanted you left sharpish. He doesn't want her to have a pregnant friend or possibly any friends at all.

Tossblanket · 19/09/2021 07:25

Why didn't your partner punch his lights out?

darklindor · 19/09/2021 07:30

I just can't imagine this at all, does he think he's funny? Does your friend have nothing to say?

CassandraTrotter · 19/09/2021 07:52

@Tossblanket

Why didn't your partner punch his lights out?
Helpful Hmm
MushMonster · 19/09/2021 07:57

100% he is trying to get you and your partner out of his way to have your friend fully isolated, and have all the control over her.
Nothing to do with your lovely self, at all.

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 08:04

Send @DifficultBloodyWoman text, but also ask could his rudeness be signs of dementia as it is a symptom and he is SO old.

Nasty twat.Flowers

Original poster
mummytoisla1987 · 19/09/2021 08:23

Thank you guys, super helpful responses and echos what my partner is saying. He is an old man really, so shouldn’t let it bother me!!! If I do ever have to go round there again, which I don’t plan on doing ever, I will give as good as I get🙂

OP posts:
Neolara · 19/09/2021 08:28

I too suspect it is nothing to do with you at all. He is being awful to you to isolate your friend. I'm sorry you got caught in the cross-fire though. Those were dreadfully unkind comments.

PetronellaDilemma · 19/09/2021 08:29

OP your friends partners behaviour was not normal and it is all him, not you. Please remember that. And please think about your boundaries so you don’t stand for that treatment from anyone. And absolutely follow up with your friend about it do not let it lie.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 19/09/2021 08:32

@SassyPants

He's trying to get rid of your so your friend is completely isolated and has no friends. I know it's hard to convince yourself but this has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with scarring you off so he has complete control of your friend. I'm sure you're gorgeous.
This exactly. It's not about you, he's trying to isolate your friend.
Couldhavebeenme3 · 19/09/2021 08:33

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Send her a text or email:

Dear Friend, your DH made so many nasty and negative comments about me today that I left your house wondering how we could ever stay friends. On reflection, I now wonder if he deliberately said those hurtful things to damage our friendship and drive me away. I have noticed that you are now quite isolated from your friends and family which can be a sign of coercive control. I would like us to remain friends but perhaps it would be better to meet without Dickhead in future. If you need a friend to talk to, I am always here for you. Love, MummyToisla

This is perfect. Wish I'd had a friend with such insight when my coersive bully ex managed to isolate me from every single one of my friends and family
AuntieStella · 19/09/2021 08:33

Don't blame his age - if he is unwell but as yet undiagnosed, that might be a reason.

But right now all you know is that he's been utterly horrible.

See your friend when he's not present.

And don't let his nastiness outweigh all the positive things that people tell you about yourself. There's no reason at all to give a virtual stranger, and a nasty one to boot, so much impact in your life

Branleuse · 19/09/2021 08:38

What he did, said nothing about you and everything about him. You just happened to be in the firing line.
I would make an attempt to talk to your friend and see what she says about it, but id be prepared to cut her off too if she couldnt open her eyes and see it.

layladomino · 19/09/2021 08:40

Echo what everyone's saying - this is him trying to push away his wife's remaining friend / he's likely worse than ever because you are pregnant and he doesn't want his wife to see what she could have within someone (youner) else. He is a vile man.

This isn't about you. It's about her and her abusive marriage.

Can you try to reframe it that way... if you start to worry about how you look / what he thinks, and to let it affect how you feel about yourself, you're letting him win. Your friend needs you to remain a friend and to be as strong as possible for her. Hopefully one day she will see the light and leave him, but in the meantime you're letting him win if you dwell on what he said and take it to heart.

It wasn't about you. I think you know that.

Briony123 · 19/09/2021 08:46

@notacooldad

Your partner sat there and listened to it before leaving. Why? Dh would have been fizzing and has always been my biggest supporter and would not have tolerated a sneering n'er do well mocking me. Why didnt your DP have your back?
I think most people would have been too shocked to say anything. I'm pretty sure my husband would encourage a quick getaway, point out (once escaped) that the old man is VERY strange, and state that he's never going to meet up with those people ever again!
MultiStorey · 19/09/2021 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Embroidery · 19/09/2021 08:57

Your friend in in a dangerous abusive relationship.

Can you help her?

Why did she marry such an abusive old man? But Im sure he love bombed her.

Kuachui · 19/09/2021 08:57

Sorry but I think you need to ditch the friend...

She's the main problem here, he's just a asshole who probably feels guilty that he isn't what his wife needs but your friend has no excuse

Username817391920384747 · 19/09/2021 09:02

I’m sorry, WHAT? your partner has absolutely no backbone and is a dick for not sticking the hell up for his pregnant girlfriend. And your “friend” is not as great as you make out to be, I would never let anyone speak to my friends in that way. I’m sorry you had to go through this.

Embroidery · 19/09/2021 09:03

Abusive husband will also be wanting to get rid of you before you have the baby.

Your friend will see your baby and it will give her baby pangs. Abuser knows this. Friend is on a tight schedule to leave him and reclaim her life wishes. He knows this too.

If you walk away, he wins.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2021 09:08

Honestly just ignore the twat. Don’t believe anything he says. He’s obviously got issues. But I’m sorry, so has your friend, what’s she doing with some old nasty bloke and wanting to habe babies with him?

ElspethFlashman · 19/09/2021 09:17

I know the old prick is trying to isolate your friend but tbh I would never set foot in that house again and if that means you don't get to actually meet her that often then so be it.

You have to put on your own life jacket first, as the saying goes.

Try very hard to never actually see that old cunt again. This must be your iron boundary. He is Abusive and dangerous.

BeaucoupFish · 19/09/2021 09:24

@mummytoisla1987
This could be a sign of dementia, maybe ask him if he has shown any other symptoms

Jubilate · 19/09/2021 09:33

I think people are focusing on your partner's silence too much. Lots of reasons to stay silent and remove yourself, rather than start an argument. I think he did the right thing.

Your friend's partner (so much ageism on this thread) clearly has some issues and is projecting them onto you and your relationship. It was unlucky that he caught you at a vulnerable time, otherwise you would be able to brush them off as the words of a deeply unhappy and frustrated individual.

Certainly, I wouldn't want to be around him again. You can support your friend (if you want to, I would understand how her silence could damage a friendship) individually, and on your terms.

Pregnancy is an emotional and vulnerable time.