I feel trapped in a toxic relationship because of a child that is not mine

[AnonPoster092021]

tl;dr - I (31M) feel trapped in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend (26F) of 2 years because of a child (4M) that is not mine. We live together. Advice and perspective on what I should do and how do I exit without impacting the child ?

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My girlfriend is not a bad person. She has toxic traits due to her own childhood and past trauma but projects them on me and ultimately I am very unhappy in the relationship. We are not compatible. I feel trapped. I don't blame her, she is not doing anything to directly hurt me but she has various traits that upset me ( anger issues, controlling, needs to know where I am and what I am doing at all times ). She has abandonment issues which I guess explains some of these traits. The relationship is all about her though, and her needs and wants, her family, her friends and her support system. It's my fault, I allowed it to happen and didn't set boundaries, but I have completely lost myself. I have nothing. All of my family and friends have noticed. My career is impacting because I am giving her all the energy. People are noticing.

She has a four year old child from a previous relationship. I knew this getting in to the relationship of course. I have always wanted a family of my own, so took on the responsibility without hesitation. I have tried to be careful enough not to get too attached but when they are that age it's difficult on both sides. My girlfriend wanted us to meet sooner than I thought was healthy, I wanted to allow us time to get to know each other and let the relationship develop, but I was also caught up in the idea of a family and she pushed it so I let it happen against my better judgement.

It has taken me this long to realise this relationship is not healthy and we are not compatible. I have tried to make it work, but ultimately I just feel like a glorified baby sitter most of the time.

The child sees me as a Father-figure though. He is used to me being around. I really fear the impact me leaving will have on him now and in to the future. It will hurt me too but I am an adult. How will this impact him? He is at such a vulnerable age.

Honestly, I feel the only thing holding me back is this child who is not even mine, but I do love him as though he is. I really want my own children and family some day, I thought she was the one too. So it hurts even more.

I would be grateful for input, advice & perspective. Anyone else ever in this situation ? Thank you very much.

You sound like a real empath

Posted too soon I meant to say, don't prop her her defenses.

What she wants (I'm guessing) is somebody who will support her perspective and her view of herself as perfect and rosy and just stand firm in your own perspective.

You have to leave though. I feel really bad for you because it's a really tough one.

@E11en

You sound like a real empath

Oh ffs, he is asking in good faith. Why weigh in already? If you have nothing useful to say, why not say nothing?

Okay, I apologise!

The longer you leave it the worse it will be.

Children will be aware the home is not a happy place and if you are better off apart it will ultimately benefit the child

I was glad my parents split when I was younger - our lives would’ve been hell otherwise!

If you stay in this unhealthy and toxic relationship purely for the child, eventually the child will notice that you are miserable. As sad as it is , he isn't your son and for your own mental health you are better off walking away before the boy gets even more attached to you. It's better to go now while he is still young

You have to leave. If you stay for the child, you’re potentially in the situation for another 14 years. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament.

If it’s too much now and you don’t see it improving, you need to walk away before the child becomes more invested in the relationship with you. It’s awful but he’s only going to get more attached the longer you stay and if this relationship really is wrong and you’re only staying for him, it’ll harm him more in the long run for you to stay with things as they are.

Alternatively, stay and encourage your partner to seek help for her issues and try to improve the relationship. Does she know that you feel this way?

The relationship isn't working. Leave now, staying will only make things harder.

I take it that there can be no conversations, no discussions?
My mother is like this and unfortunately I ended up having children with a man who cannot and will not communicate as well.

It's so frustrating. But you cannot give up your life as a sacrifice to her denial. If she decides you aren't supporting her rosy view of herself then you're toast anyway and you have not rights over the baby.

I'd take my leave from the situation and say to her in a breezy way, look, if you're stuck for a baby sitter you can ask me. And then when feelings have calmed down, try and regularise it. Even if it's only once every three weeks you could have a huge impact on his life.

My son, I did so well as a single parent up unti he was about 15 and now he won't listen to me. I wish there was a man in his life but there isn't. He responds well to men's expectations of him better than my expectations of him. If I say I want him to go to school he just walks off.

Put yourself first right now though.

Try talking to her and seeing if you can do couples counselling?

Maybe if you went to speak to someone about this it would be easier to break it down? You could ask your doctor for counselling.

Other than that I think you just need to take the plunge and go for it. Leave, it’s probably building up in your head and the longer you leave it the more of yourself you are losing. I’d speak to family and friends on your intentions and then come up with a plan.

you have to leave, soon.

You leave.

You can offer to continue to see her son etc in an uncle role. So take him for days out etc However she may use him to control and manipulate you so do this with your eyes open and very firm boundaries.

He’s 4, he’ll be fine, don’t leave it any longer though

As a child who was subjected to her mother's whims with male partners, leave now, for your own sake as well as the child's. He's found enough that he won't remember. it'll be okay .

You shouldn't stay because of the child. It's toxic and unhealthy. Imagine if she became pregnant with your child, then you and your baby really would be stuck in a toxic relationship. You deserve better.

You just have to leave. There is no benefit in staying, for you or the child.

Agree with RandomMess. Leave her, and remain available for the little boy, IF necessary and if you can deal with it. At 4 he'll start remembering things. He's a mini human being that you have a bond with. You don't have to be a blood relative to make a positive difference to him, but nor should you feel obligated. Best of luck.

I find this completely heartbreaking. But you know you have to end it.

I think any kind of contact you can still manage with the child would be good. Cards? Postcards? Let him know you're thinking of him. Though I'm going to guess that his mum will make it almost impossible to keep any kind of connection.

Leave and heal and rebuild. Maybe make an album of your time with the boy in case he ever comes to find you again. And remember that your instincts were absolutely right, and that someone who overrides your boundaries in any part of life is to be avoided.

This is so sad. You can't stay for his sake though, as you already know.

It will be tough, you can only try to do the right thing (stay in touch) and hope his mum does what is morally right instead of what suits her purposes.
Does he have many male relatives in his life? Grandad? Uncles? His mum's friends?

As has been pointed out, she needs to realise that it's all very well being close to her son & him being perfectly co-operative when he's little, but that will change when he is older.

You need to get out and go as soon as humanly possible. Just do it, don’t create barriers to your leaving, none of those barriers will be real. Just go. My son was in a slightly similar situation and the child involved was ok, or as ok as he was ever going to be with his mother. If the mother is a problem to his welfare your presence will not change that, ultimately. You are very young and there’s every likelihood you will have a family of your own in perfectly happy circumstances.
He’ll be at school soon, if he’s not already, the school and support system will watch out for him.

Just go, now. The longer you stay the worse and more complicated it will be.

@SweatyYetti

Try talking to her and seeing if you can do couples counselling?

DO NOT do this.

Couples counselling is discouraged when one half of the couple is abusive. And although OP is too polite to say so - all the clues are there in his initial post: abandonment issues, controlling, angry, selfish ...

Anon, you sound like a really decent guy.
The trouble with trying to exit this relationship, but still maintain some kind of 'babysitting uncle' arrangement with the child, as PP suggested, is that your g/f will use that as an opportunity to manipulate you. That will not be good for your own mental health. Consider how controlling your g/f is currently.
Now ramp it up by a factor of 10.
Because that is how she is going to be when she realises you want out.

It's horribly sad for the little boy - for all of you really - but you must protect your own interests. Some talking therapy just for you would be a good idea, to help you come to terms with what you want to do, & then make peace with your decision. You seem like a thoughtful person who would engage well with counselling, & benefit from it.

Good luck

Kids are far more resilient that people give them credit for sometimes. Leave and lead your own life. Staying creates a toxic environment, children pick up on this. I think a clean break is the best way forward, as your GF sounds as she'd use the boy to manipulate and control situations. That's not fair on you, and he shouldn't be used as a pawn in her warped games.

You are not his primary caregiver.

So no need to feel guilty.

Although important at this time of his life - he will have lots of other significant adults who pass through his life, hopefully having a positive impact and then moving on such as teachers, sports coaches, neighbours, family friends etc.

The best thing you can do is move on with a clear and clean break because I would assume that his mother will not facilitate anything less than complex and toxic which will backfire on the child.

Then your next step is to understand your own (faulty?) emotional smoke detector as to why you stayed in this relationship so long as I suspect the dysfunctional behaviours were there from the start. Also look at your own FOG (fear obligation guilt) which has kept you there too long. None of these emotions should ever be a reason to stay in a relationship - it’s disingenuous to both parties.

Be satisfied that you were a kind and stable presence at a key stage in development for this child and that will be something he can carry through life.