I feel trapped in a toxic relationship because of a child that is not mine

[AnonPoster092021]

tl;dr - I (31M) feel trapped in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend (26F) of 2 years because of a child (4M) that is not mine. We live together. Advice and perspective on what I should do and how do I exit without impacting the child ?

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My girlfriend is not a bad person. She has toxic traits due to her own childhood and past trauma but projects them on me and ultimately I am very unhappy in the relationship. We are not compatible. I feel trapped. I don't blame her, she is not doing anything to directly hurt me but she has various traits that upset me ( anger issues, controlling, needs to know where I am and what I am doing at all times ). She has abandonment issues which I guess explains some of these traits. The relationship is all about her though, and her needs and wants, her family, her friends and her support system. It's my fault, I allowed it to happen and didn't set boundaries, but I have completely lost myself. I have nothing. All of my family and friends have noticed. My career is impacting because I am giving her all the energy. People are noticing.

She has a four year old child from a previous relationship. I knew this getting in to the relationship of course. I have always wanted a family of my own, so took on the responsibility without hesitation. I have tried to be careful enough not to get too attached but when they are that age it's difficult on both sides. My girlfriend wanted us to meet sooner than I thought was healthy, I wanted to allow us time to get to know each other and let the relationship develop, but I was also caught up in the idea of a family and she pushed it so I let it happen against my better judgement.

It has taken me this long to realise this relationship is not healthy and we are not compatible. I have tried to make it work, but ultimately I just feel like a glorified baby sitter most of the time.

The child sees me as a Father-figure though. He is used to me being around. I really fear the impact me leaving will have on him now and in to the future. It will hurt me too but I am an adult. How will this impact him? He is at such a vulnerable age.

Honestly, I feel the only thing holding me back is this child who is not even mine, but I do love him as though he is. I really want my own children and family some day, I thought she was the one too. So it hurts even more.

I would be grateful for input, advice & perspective. Anyone else ever in this situation ? Thank you very much.

Thank you everyone. I am still here, grateful for all your comments. I feel supported, although virtually, it still means a lot as I don't really have anyone IRL that knows the full extent ( I feel ashamed and everyone has their own stuff going on ).

Just currently working up the courage to walk away. I am avoiding the uncomfortable , sad and awkward feelings, that's all it is at the moment. It's complicated when she is so intertwined with my family and friends.

I feel so stuck.

I'd just sit the lad down and tell him that you think he is an awesome wee fella and you'll aways be his friend but that you have to go away for a bit. I'd tell him he has done nothing wrong, it's just adult stuff happening.

He deserves to know you are not abandoning him and he has done nothing wrong.

Wotcher Anon, I was thinking of you this morning.

I understand about not feeling able to give the full messy details to anyone IRL - but please scroll upthread for various support links, & use them! There were 1 or 2 which are specialist for male victims of domestic abuse.

Don't feel shy about utilising these.
I think your woman has a very serious personality disorder, & you need expert advice while you extricate yourself as safely & cleanly as possible.

Can you start logistical planning in private - costing up rentals etc? That might make you feel more detached.

You know you don’t have to have a reason to move in from a relationship the person could be amazing etc but just not for you. You don’t have to slate her to family and friends - you can just say the chemistry isn’t right and you have different goals. Caring people won’t try to change your mind - they will be respectful of you and your choices.

How have you felt when someone tells you that their relationship has sadly run it’s course?

Can you identify who you believe would judge and berate you for gently and respectfully moving on with your life?

Can you identify who would support and care for you at this time?

Can you see that you are in an abusive relationship? Can you speak to your GP or a charity for professional support?

Do you know you will leave?

Are you 100% sorted with contraception? Because you could end up trapped here - “accidental pregnancy” if she got a whiff that you were moving on is a potential risk.

@Pinkbonbon

I'd just sit the lad down and tell him that you think he is an awesome wee fella and you'll aways be his friend but that you have to go away for a bit. I'd tell him he has done nothing wrong, it's just adult stuff happening.

He deserves to know you are not abandoning him and he has done nothing wrong.

this is good advice I can't agree with PPs saying he won't remember anything. He needs to hear (and will remember at some level) that he is loved and valued and that he is not responsible for OP leaving On the other hand it's true that children are always aware of and affected by abuse happening in their family and it sounds like an abusive situation I think the suggestion to leave when the rent is just paid is a good one, I'd even say can you pay a couple of months in advance. That way any accusations/guilt trips will have the sting taken out of them, and the friends/family who- it sounds like- she has enlisted 'on her side' will see that you have gone above and beyond.