I feel trapped in a toxic relationship because of a child that is not mine

[AnonPoster092021]

tl;dr - I (31M) feel trapped in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend (26F) of 2 years because of a child (4M) that is not mine. We live together. Advice and perspective on what I should do and how do I exit without impacting the child ?

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My girlfriend is not a bad person. She has toxic traits due to her own childhood and past trauma but projects them on me and ultimately I am very unhappy in the relationship. We are not compatible. I feel trapped. I don't blame her, she is not doing anything to directly hurt me but she has various traits that upset me ( anger issues, controlling, needs to know where I am and what I am doing at all times ). She has abandonment issues which I guess explains some of these traits. The relationship is all about her though, and her needs and wants, her family, her friends and her support system. It's my fault, I allowed it to happen and didn't set boundaries, but I have completely lost myself. I have nothing. All of my family and friends have noticed. My career is impacting because I am giving her all the energy. People are noticing.

She has a four year old child from a previous relationship. I knew this getting in to the relationship of course. I have always wanted a family of my own, so took on the responsibility without hesitation. I have tried to be careful enough not to get too attached but when they are that age it's difficult on both sides. My girlfriend wanted us to meet sooner than I thought was healthy, I wanted to allow us time to get to know each other and let the relationship develop, but I was also caught up in the idea of a family and she pushed it so I let it happen against my better judgement.

It has taken me this long to realise this relationship is not healthy and we are not compatible. I have tried to make it work, but ultimately I just feel like a glorified baby sitter most of the time.

The child sees me as a Father-figure though. He is used to me being around. I really fear the impact me leaving will have on him now and in to the future. It will hurt me too but I am an adult. How will this impact him? He is at such a vulnerable age.

Honestly, I feel the only thing holding me back is this child who is not even mine, but I do love him as though he is. I really want my own children and family some day, I thought she was the one too. So it hurts even more.

I would be grateful for input, advice & perspective. Anyone else ever in this situation ? Thank you very much.

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for their thoughtful input and comments. I have not replied to anyone yet as I am still reading and digesting what has been said but I really appreciate it. A lot of good perspective and I genuinely feel less alone so thank you so much for that.

I'll come back soon with further updates. My main concern is the welfare of her son. I do fear how she will react and respond once I drop the bombshell, as she has anger issues and while I hate the idea of never seeing him again, I feel she would use him against me for manipulation and so on now and in to the future. I am not sure how best to do it just yet.

Thank you again for the messages so far.

I feel she would use him against me for manipulation and so on now and in to the future

You are right.
From her own perspective, she will feel justified in doing so because her abandonment issues will mean you are the villain.

It won't be beneficial to the lad to be used as a pawn.
It may even be detrimental to him. Suppose all went swimmingly for a while, with you re-cast in the role of 'Uncle Anon' ... but then anger & abandonment & control problems cause your Ex to become jealous enough to cut contact stone dead?

That would be far worse for the lad than you quitting now, while he's young enough to pretty much forget you, apart from a possible fond memory of "oh yeah, that nice man we used to know".

And you don't need to expose yourself to further abuse.
It's bad enough now, while you are meant to be a cherished b/f. How bad would it get after you "reject" her, but stay in the firing line?

Good luck, & if you still feel in a quandary about how you manage the exit plan, logistics of moving out, psychology of who is going to be impacted & how, etc ... please get some counselling.
An experienced therapist with whom you feel comfortable enough to talk through the complicated feelings about this with be invaluable to your own mental health & personal safety.

You have taken a really important step by posting this. You sound very measured and considered with your analysis of the situation.

As you live together do you have a plan to disengage your financial, logistic and housing set up?

Can you see a way out practically? Do you have the financial and logistical resources to move out? Do you have somewhere to go?

Do you have a trusted family member who can calmly support you?

Given her current behaviour expect her to kick off and react badly with threats and harassment. Don’t tolerate any of this. Keep calm and protect yourself emotionally and physically by nipping everything in the bud - block her if she behaves badly, let her family and friends know if she becomes problematic - and don’t hesitate to call the police - sunlight is the best disinfectant. Sounds like she needs professional therapeutic help.

I was wondering if any of you had some advice on an exit strategy? - I know some of you have talked about that, so thank you. I have a feeling she is not going to let me walk away easily, in that her anger issues will surface and make it difficult for me to articulate myself in a meaningful way. Should I sit her son down and explain that I can't be around anymore ? I really feel that a clean break is best, but I can't wrap my head around what her son will think.. me being there one day and gone the next.. :-(

She is also very dependent on me. I have financially leant her money ( which I have already written off ). I pay the rent ( it's her place ). She also uses my car to get to and from work.

I have already made peace with the fact that I need to leave, just trying to figure out the best way to do that.

Do you have somewhere to go?
Does she know where it is?

I would tell her, your not happy and this relationship isn't want you want and that it's over.

Don't engage with any arguments, just walk out.

If you think she may get nasty and violent, perhaps a letter to her.

I'm glad though your getting out, a toxic relationship is no good for anyone

Given her abusive behaviour, I think you should have everything ready so you can tell her it's over and leave immediately. Whether that means lining up a new rental for yourself, or crashing with a friend or family member for a few weeks while you sort yourself out.

I get that she's reliant on you to facilitate her life/job but that doesn't mean you need to support her in any way once you're gone. She will use anything like that to manipulate you, just like she would if you continued to be in contact with her son.

Has she got support from her own friends and family? How was she getting to work before you came along - is it just a case that using your car is quicker and easier than public transport? Who looked after her son prior to you?

If I was feeling very generous I might wait until just after paying the rent, then let her know - that gives her a month to get benefits sorted (I'm assuming she's earning low enough to claim UC.) She will need to source alternative childcare and that should NOT be used as an excuse to keep you around. You will never escape if you fall for that. She will get a certain amount of free nursery hours so she might need to change her hours at work. But ultimately - not your monkeys, not your circus. She's been using you for a long time. Don't let it continue.

Regarding telling her son - I think if you can sit down and tell him you're going away, that would be ideal. But she may not allow you to do this.

Good luck OP, you deserve better than this. I agree with PPs that counselling for yourself would be helpful so that you don't fall prey to abusers in the future.

Leave now. I had a boyfriend of 2yrs leave when my son was 4. He’s 8 now and doesn’t remember/speak about it much except if he comes across an old photo etc

You are correct that she will cause chaos and yes a clean break is the only way to go.

Know that the ensuing chaos and drama is just further self serving, abusive, toxic emotional discharge as a punishment for you daring to leave.

Don’t believe that she is devastated and desperately in love with you. If she was she would have treated you with kindness and respect.

She may well be devastated that her multi purpose gravy train and whipping boy has left the building.

You need to have all your ducks in a row - because she could be v dangerous.

You can choose to anticipate her behaviours and pre-plan to protect yourself to weather the storm.

This means having all practical arrangements made and locked down before you speak to her. If this takes some time emotionally detach from her and her moods in your head if you can.

You need to keep grounded, calm and centred to see this through with the least amount of damage. Choose your words v carefully when you tell her. Don’t get drawn into blaming and shaming (even though justified) because this will just back fire on you. Grey rock technique.

Calm statement - repeat it only once - something like “this isn’t working for me - we are not compatible - I have decided to move on - I wish you well” Don’t give her any details because she will hook into obsess, exaggerate and beat you with your own words.

Be prepared to block her on all communications, to inform your work and friends / family that she might turn up and cause a scene. Be ready to inform her family or best friend if her behaviour escalates. Pass the responsibility back over to them - but be careful not to be influenced / manipulated by them to re-engage with her as they will have their own agenda to offload a difficult friend / family member.

Do you have support IRL - emotionally and practically.

You have been through a lot and have a wall to push through - you might well be exhausted on the other side before you recalibrate - make sure you have people
and things in place to support you during this time.

Keep resolute and don’t give too much away due to misplaced FOG (fear obligation guilt) - which are always the wrong motives to do anything.

You need to end the relationship ASAP.

But as PP’s have mentioned, you don’t have to end your relationship with the little boy if his Mum is happy for that to continue.

My DP still has contact with his ex’s child as he had been in the child’s life from them being 6 months old, they split up when the little one was 5. The child is 8 now, he still sees them weekly, as does his Mum, and gradually over the course of mine and DP’s relationship I’ve built a relationship with the child too. DP and I are moving in together and child will be round at ours quite often, the child’s mum is fine with it all and happy for them to have nice supportive relationships with other adults (and extra childcare options when needed).

If you think it would be better to have a clean break without continuing contact, that then is okay too, but time really is of the essence if that’s the case so he doesn’t remember.

@ZealAndArdour

You need to end the relationship ASAP.

But as PP’s have mentioned, you don’t have to end your relationship with the little boy if his Mum is happy for that to continue.

My DP still has contact with his ex’s child as he had been in the child’s life from them being 6 months old, they split up when the little one was 5. The child is 8 now, he still sees them weekly, as does his Mum, and gradually over the course of mine and DP’s relationship I’ve built a relationship with the child too. DP and I are moving in together and child will be round at ours quite often, the child’s mum is fine with it all and happy for them to have nice supportive relationships with other adults (and extra childcare options when needed).

If you think it would be better to have a clean break without continuing contact, that then is okay too, but time really is of the essence if that’s the case so he doesn’t remember.

This is a lovely example of emotionally healthy adults collaborating to put the needs of a young child first.

This is not the dynamic here though - the DP is manipulative, exploitative and abusive - and these dysfunctional behaviours will now escalate. The child will be used and potentially deeply traumatised. IMHO for the child’s sake the OP needs to not give his STBxP any opportunity to use this child.

You can't tell a woman with a 4 year old, who is very dependent on you that you're leaving- taking someone she loves, all of her security and not expect a reaction.

You've had months to think about this but she's given what a few hours notice her life it's going to be completely different to how she expected a day ago?

Don't get me wrong, I think you need to leave. You're not happy and long term that'll drag everyone down. But I do think break ups can take days and weeks and if this is how long she needs then maybe give it to her.

Help her out a bit- like long term, how will she pay the rent on her own? How will she get to work? Who's going to do childcare for the sob? I'm not saying pay for her the rest of your life but wean off slowly rather than cold turkey.

You sound like a nice guy. Continue to use your values to navigate this but be assertive about your desire to leave.

I agree, having read the full thread now, that maintaining contact in this instance isn’t likely to work.

OP, if you have any concerns about the welfare of this child in your absence, please don’t hesitate to report that.

Children of that age are more resilient than you realize. Ending the relationship will not impact on the child nearly as much as you think it will. It seems you are basing a lot of your concerns on a 4 year old having the same logic and comprehension as an adult. They don't, they move on and forget things and people incredibly quickly so I wouldn't be using this as a reason not to leave. How soon she allows that to happen and what she fills the kids head with about why you left is another story.

You have to leave. The child will be fine. You must look after yourself. Do it soon.

You can't tell a woman with a 4 year old, who is very dependent on you that you're leaving- taking someone she loves, all of her security and not expect a reaction

Her reaction is her choice. His responsibility is to be kind in ending the relationship but he doesn't need to have responsibility for her emotions.

Op, I know you feel responsibility but she is an adult and a parent and must learn to stand on her own 2 feet. She will survive.

Is the boy at school or nursery? At 4 he will recover but later will be more difficult.

@AnonPoster092021

I was wondering if any of you had some advice on an exit strategy? - I know some of you have talked about that, so thank you. I have a feeling she is not going to let me walk away easily, in that her anger issues will surface and make it difficult for me to articulate myself in a meaningful way. Should I sit her son down and explain that I can't be around anymore ? I really feel that a clean break is best, but I can't wrap my head around what her son will think.. me being there one day and gone the next.. :-(

She is also very dependent on me. I have financially leant her money ( which I have already written off ). I pay the rent ( it's her place ). She also uses my car to get to and from work.

I have already made peace with the fact that I need to leave, just trying to figure out the best way to do that.

Straight out. Cut all ties. A brief conversation saying you are not happy and this is not what you want. Wish her well. Block and out of there.

Definitely a straight cut. It's not something I'd sit down and discuss as the risk of manipulation is too great. The kid won't have a clue what's going on anyway so don't confuse him by trying to have a grown up conversation with him about why you are going. Just get everything you need out of the house while she's out and take it away in your car. Cold and brutal yes, but you won't get out otherwise.

One of my dearest friends could have written this post.

He was involved on & off for 6 years with a total cunt of a women (your OH seems like a Saint compared to his one) eventually driving him to the point where he didn't cover himself in glory either. She had a 2 year old boy when they first met.

He kept some kind of as hoc contact right through to the boy's adulthood, helped the mother turn her life around too.
Even though he's gone on to have a family with a lovely women those of us on the outside think the whole thing with the loon was totally detrimental to how his own life has developed.

Get out. Leave, never contact her again. The kid will forget you in no time. Don't feel any kind of guilt, neither of these people are your responsibility or problem.

Your partner sounds a lot like my ex (diagnosed with borderline personality disorder). You can't fix her and it's not your responsibility to try. Sounds like you're aware of that now though and made up your mind to leave.

Only way to go is swiftly. So make sure you've got all your plans in place before you tell her, so you can then get straight out. Sort out alternative accommodation, start moving out your stuff on the quiet if possible. Or at least get it all ready so you can load it up and be out quick. I think a clean break from the child is probably best too. Trying to maintain any kind of relationship with him is likely to get you subjected to her anger, manipulation and guilt tripping.

OP, please ignore this advice.

Don't get me wrong, I think you need to leave. You're not happy and long term that'll drag everyone down. But I do think break ups can take days and weeks and if this is how long she needs then maybe give it to her.

Help her out a bit- like long term, how will she pay the rent on her own? How will she get to work? Who's going to do childcare for the sob? I'm not saying pay for her the rest of your life but wean off slowly rather than cold turkey.

It is kind-hearted & well-meant, but ONLY applicable to a situation where both parties are reasonable people.

Your g/f is not reasonable.
In fact she is so unreasonable that - were the sexes reversed - PP would be advising you to LTB asap, to pre-warn the police to arrange a local number for you to call on stand-by, & to have a burly friend present to protect you at the break-up point.

Were the sexes reversed, there is no way that PP would advise you to string the breakup out, to continue providing your car & rental money ... it would be madness.

The fact that you happen to be a bloke doesn't make this time any less dangerous for you. Less easy for you to get beaten to a pulp, sure, but a truly unreasonable woman can & will cause terrible damage to a man. I am sure you do not need me to point out how.

Do not allow any opportunity for that to happen to you.
Your g/f has a personality disorder (I suspect Borderline, but wtf do I know - & the label doesn't matter - you know how much damage she is capable of). Her reaction to your perceived 'abandonment' is going to be extreme, but fairly predictable, & you must take steps to ensure you DO predict where & how she is going to lash out.

PP have given sensible & reasonable suggestions upthread.
Consider the actions we'd all be recommending, if you were a woman, & take them.
speakoutloud.net/helping-victims-survivors/safety-tips-for-leaving-a-controlling-partner

The suggestion to pay a month's rent upfront before leaving is a good'un. I don't know how your finances are, & whether that means delaying the break-up while you save for your own moving costs.
But it does give her a month to sort out childcare, benefits, travel arrangements etc. She managed before you, she can manage again - but don't expect any sense of relief or gratitude that you are happy to fund her for another month.

Here's some male-specific support -
www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/

& here's their support line for practical help and emotional support.
As they state, 1 on 6 men will be victims of domestic abuse. You have nothing to feel shy about, & have done brilliantly to realise your situation & take that first step of reaching out here for advice.
You deserve your freedom, & professional support - both during & after your escape.
www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/how-we-can-help/

How are you doing @AnonPoster092021?

Have you support in RL to help you through?

I would like to echo @ChargingBuck's advice. People dont realise or consider that men can be victims of abuse as well. My brother ended a relationship where he suffered financial and emotional abuse, and it leaves permanent damage.

@DFOD

How are you doing *@AnonPoster092021*?

Have you support in RL to help you through?

Thank you so much @DFOD for checking in. It genuinely means a lot to me. Thank you to all of you for your very supportive and practical advice. For the first time in a long time, I feel less alone. For months I felt so isolated and almost questioned my own sanity. You all have helped greatly in pulling me out of that despair.

I am still here, in the relationship. I am building myself up to walk away. I know I am only making it worse in the long run but I guess the FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt ) has yet to clear. She still has a hold over me. She is so intertwined in my life now too. She knows a lot of my Family and Friends and I guess the fear of how she will take it and what she may do afterward is holding me back also. I am genuinely afraid.

Anyway.. I will keep you posted. I re-read all of your posts each evening before bed for motivation and to feel less alone with it all.

Thanks again.

You have actually made a significant emotional shift and taken the most important first steps to get out the door by posting here and engaging. It means that now you can see the exit whereas maybe before you could not and you now know it’s a when not if. That’s a huge development - you know that you are being abused and this relationship is toxic, dysfunctional, futile and finite.

This is also a very short relationship of only 2 years which has dropped deep and rapidly into inappropriate responsibilities. I am sure that the abuse and red flags have been there for some time. If you can emotionally detach from her in your head and know that very soon this will be over it may give you some comfort and headspace to start putting in place one part of the plan to leave. Even planning this will give you confidence and a sense of freedom.

Could you seek some RL / online counselling?

Is there just one calm trusted friend or family member that you can open up to? Maybe just show them this thread if getting the words out is too difficult.

You just need one person to help you. Who would that be?

Please don’t concern yourself with others potential opinions of your decision - that’s not a healthy way to live your life. Other people’s relationships end all the time - especially at your age - most people don’t give it another thought.

Have you thought about timings - would suggest that you move on well before Xmas if you don’t want her the guilt trip you.

The FOG might never clear - but you can push through it, feeling and acknowledging the discomfort rather than sitting in it waiting to clear. It will be clear, in time on the other side.

You sound like a warm, compassionate guy - please speak to a trusted friend or family member - they will not judge you - they will be devastated as to what’s going on (they may already have guessed) and they will be desperate to help you through and to protect, support and encourage you.

Also for your GF - you leaving is the only opportunity for her to reflect, change and grow - it might be the wake up call she needs (I suspect you are not the first person to leave her). Also if this child is sensing, hearing, seeing emotional violence in his home - he is also a victim of DA. If you can take yourself out of that dynamic then you are also helping that child.

Keep calm and focused. Please speak to a professional or friend or family member.

You leave the relationship and tell her that you would like to continue to have a relationship with the child.
She sounds like the kind of person who'll bite your hand off to get shot of him for a few hours.
I wish you well - you sound lovely and deserve better.