Partner wants big new house

[applesapplesapples]

I met my OH 3 years ago when he was just getting divorced from his wife of 20+ years. He’s been living in my 2 bed terrace, having had to sell a large detached property he’d renovated himself. He’s suggested I sell and we pool our money to buy a 3 bed detached house. Sounds good right?

My slight concerns are and maybe this is just me, but the house he likes is in the same village he used to live in (his sister lives there and some of his old friends) and the plans he’s had drawn up are for a massive extension costed at around £100k that to me look like a replica of his old house.

His kids are all grown up and I don’t have any so I don’t see any need to spend huge amount of money on turning a large 3 bed suburban house into an even bigger 4 bed, with, obvs, the modern massive lounge, giant kitchen with island and ridiculous vaulted ceilings.

The mortgage repayments and bills will leave us with almost no disposable income.

My sense is he wants to recreate his old house and life/status but at the expense of us having a life. We’ve looked at other houses in the area but feel like he’s just giving me lip service so our house search looks fair. He’s already talked about flipping the house after a few years to downsize and gets very grumpy when I suggest more modest properties. I’m worried we’ll be stuck in an expensive overly-large house we can barely afford.

He wants it, let him pay for it. Tell him you are not moving. If you give into this be prepared for his other wants. Is this the reason he is divorced? At worse you could find yourself homeless and in a place you don't want to be. Why on earth does he want such a big place when there is two of you? Also, since you are not married, you better check out all legal consequences if anything goes wrong here. I just really don't want you to find yourself in difficulty. Ive got to be honest, this guy does not sound like a catch.

I'd be wanting marriage before I agreed to that.

He sounds very selfish and inconsiderate.
Definitely check out what your legal position would be, if you go along with buying a house with him.

It sounds like he is using you and your assets as a way of achieving something that he cannot afford alone. The fact he is ignoring what you want is a massive red flag. What is the rest of your relationship like?

Yeah, I think he wants you to help finance his Grand Design.

It sounds like he wants to turn the clock back.
He should be thinking about the opportunity to start afresh with something you are both excited about.

If stay in my own house and maybe date him.

Yea it does seem like he is trying to recreate the past, or at least the home he sold when he got divorced. The size house he wants seems excessive for two people especially as it sounds like it’s for no purpose other than for show and status. That he is prepared to drastically impact your mutual standard of living for this is worrying - what’s the point of a large house if many of the rooms are barely used and you can’t do things like go on holiday? I’d think very carefully about buying with him tbh.

No way would I agree to that.

Him.wanting something similar to what he had before because he loved it isn't a problem.

But leaving you both without money to enjoy life is.

Talk to him about the different costs involved and where that would leave you.

I personally do prefer to invest more in my home because that is where is spend most of my time in and I have done loads of travelling and my kids are still at home.

However, in the future I may want to downsize and buy a campervan so we can go exploring more

Hang on to your house! He wants your house money as a deposit on his new house. Don't let him.

It sounds like he’s working out of a need to reclaim his old life before he can let go and move into the future. I’d be sympathetic but not sympathetic enough to finance it with my money, my time and my lifestyle

Does he have any self awareness around this? It’s hard to let go of the dreams we had for ourselves.

I’d have honest discussion with him as to why he wants such a big house. Does he enjoy renovating and flipping homes? Or is he picturing little grandchildren coming to stay in future? Or does he prefer to be house rich and money poor?

Knowing why will influence your decision on how much for both of you to compromise.

Keep your house. Don’t put yourself in a much worse financial position.

How soon after you met did he move in with you? Does he make a fair contribution to the current bills?

It certainly sounds like he is expecting you to bank roll his dreams with no input from you. Start suggesting other areas you like the look of. Why should it all be his way? It would be a big fat no from me

Wheres his ex? He wants to reestablish his big house and status but with a younger version of his ex.
Its annoying when this happens esp if the ex is living in relative poverty.

Long live the patriachy.

Not a chance unless we were married. But I woudn't marry someone who ignored me, so it would never happen. He's using you.

'Sounds good right?'

Are you high? xD

Good god no way would I pool money with a partner on a house if we weren't even married.

Let alone one who clearly has expensive tastes beyond his means.

Sorry op but it looks like this relationship may have some red flags. I'd hold off on buying so much as a hamster with him. Keep your home, whatever you do.

Tell him you’re not interested in the hassle of a renovation project.

Just say no to it, outright.

I’m worried we’ll be stuck in an expensive overly-large house we can barely afford.

Well, you clearly won't allow this to happen, correct?

Buying a big house you in no way need, expanding that house, and incurring huge mortgage payments would be financial suicide. Of course you can't do this. Tell him now you want no part of his foolish plans.

@HollowTalk

Hang on to your house! He wants your house money as a deposit on his new house. Don't let him.

I agree.

Yep. Let him do that alone. I’m guessing g he’ll also be using your money to prop up his (pipe) dream? Plonker.

Why did he get divorced BTW OP?

There are so many men who just expect a woman to slot into their lives to allow them to maintain the status quo.

Does his ex-wife still live in that same village? Is her house similar to the one he wants to create using your equity? If so, that's bloody weird. Say no, say you're happy with your house and its size and that if he wants to go ahead with a massive build, he needs to do it alone.

Easy, you stay where you are, he spends whatever he wants on a property and you have a relationship without living together. Keep your money to yourself. I hope he paid his way when he was living with you.