Partner wants big new house

[applesapplesapples]

I met my OH 3 years ago when he was just getting divorced from his wife of 20+ years. He’s been living in my 2 bed terrace, having had to sell a large detached property he’d renovated himself. He’s suggested I sell and we pool our money to buy a 3 bed detached house. Sounds good right?

My slight concerns are and maybe this is just me, but the house he likes is in the same village he used to live in (his sister lives there and some of his old friends) and the plans he’s had drawn up are for a massive extension costed at around £100k that to me look like a replica of his old house.

His kids are all grown up and I don’t have any so I don’t see any need to spend huge amount of money on turning a large 3 bed suburban house into an even bigger 4 bed, with, obvs, the modern massive lounge, giant kitchen with island and ridiculous vaulted ceilings.

The mortgage repayments and bills will leave us with almost no disposable income.

My sense is he wants to recreate his old house and life/status but at the expense of us having a life. We’ve looked at other houses in the area but feel like he’s just giving me lip service so our house search looks fair. He’s already talked about flipping the house after a few years to downsize and gets very grumpy when I suggest more modest properties. I’m worried we’ll be stuck in an expensive overly-large house we can barely afford.

It's hard going from a big detached to smaller, I'm in very similar circumstances to your dp. Dp and I have gone down the route of living somewhere very different in a very different kind of house because living in a not so nice version of my old house wasn't a good idea in my opinion, I didn't want to be comparing. My townhouse is perfect for us, nowhere near as nice on paper of course (still miss my range and my 1/4 acre garden) and has huge advantages location wise so rather than cook on a great stove, we just eat out!

That's a big fat no from me. Sounds like he's been watching too many grand designs.

Just say no!

You should absolutely not give up your own house and financial independence to create his out of reach dream. It's actually very selfish of him to expect that.

What happens when he gets made redundant and you can't afford your payments because you've gone full stretch?

Sounds like his missing his old life and could be using you as a financial asset to recreate it. Instead he should be relishing the opportunity of a new start with you that looks and feels different, and respects your needs and desires in the equation too.

‘Sounds good right?’
…no. Giving up your financial security for a boyfriend would be phenomenally stupid. The fact you’re even considering it is concerning.

He's asking you to sacrifice your financial security to fund his goal. There's so much more risk to you than him that I would be offended he thought it was a reasonable suggestion tbh!

Jesus...

he wants you to fund his 'recreation' of home..

screw that.. do not be a Mug

Ready, steady, go. Run run run

No way! You clearly don’t want to do this, so why would you even consider handing him all your financial security and assets like that? Plus, flipping houses can be really stressful - you have to be all in and motivated to do it.

@applesapplesapples

Thanks for your replies.

No progress really. He’s still wanging on about how we can flip the house for £750k in three years ffs. Not really getting my point as to why we spend so much time and money just to sell after the work would be completed.

In principle, what he's suggesting isn't unreasonable. Going into a joint venture to do up a property and sell it on at a profit, is pretty much the only way to earn appreciable amounts of capital, because if it's your primary property you aren't paying any capital gains tax on the additional equity.

That's the financial stuff over.

The crux of the matter here is that your DP sounds like he's trying to railroad you into a 2-3 year commitment to live in a building site only to have to give up the dream house to a future buyer almost as soon as the last coat of paint is dry. What you need to know is what happens then? What is the long term plan for your life together, beyond the flipping?

Concerning that his Plan doesn't mention key things:
Nothing about your life together;
Nothing about the fact the equity would be used longer term to improve your quality of life as a couple, which is more important than the gain itself.
Nothing about asking you how you feel about his Plan.

He seems to have £££ in his eyes at the prospect of getting his sticky mitts on the proceeds of your property to get started on this business proposition.

I'd proceed with caution, depending on how your 3 year relationship has been going in other ways. Are you sound as a couple, do you feel secure, have you had happy times, does it feel like it's a long term relationship ?

If you said an absolute 'no way' to this plan do you think you would stay with you?

Ask yourself this and be honest with yourself about his answer.

Whatever you decide to do, you'd need to get everything legally documented so it's on record how much you've put into buying the new property plus any renovations - if anything, that's the easy bit, it's a business transaction. The difficult bit is the relationship, which should be the priority ....

Nothing wrong with wanting to live in an area he knows and likes, or to extend a house to his likings... but... if it's not for you, then it's not for you. You either have to both find a compromise, or you live separately.

My concern would be that he's using you as a place to live at the moment, and again to finance something he wants. Could he afford his big 4 bed without you?

Op, if it's his dream then he has to do it by myself...you are a relatively new partner and I'm guessing late 40s??

At your stage of life I would only make financial commitments with someone you knew really, really well and where you have protection in the event of it all going wrong.

The stress of a building project tests the strongest relationships plus living with low disposable income will reduce the pleasures in life.

If you say No, watch for his reaction. If he gets grumpy, sulks, tries to badger you...then you know his character.

red flags op. Don't do it, it won't end happily. Don't give up your own property to get tangled up in this man's immature selfish fantasy life, keep your freedom. Hell, if he wants it so bad, he can bugger off and live that life and you can continue to date but no way would I sell my own property to move in with a man I wasn't even married to to a life he wants and to a stupid massive house that his ego wants.

Sounds like he thinks 3 years will give you enough time to fall in love with the house and not want to sell...stick to your guns

The simple truth here is that your DP cannot afford this "dream" home he wants. He is not even capable of housing himself at the moment as he lives in your house, so how can he have the financial sense and determination to become a property developer of sorts and flip the dream house in three years for some fanciful figure he has dreamed up? He is asking you to risk too much, if you were both home owners with a sum of cash to invest jointly in a flat or house that needs to be renovated and then sold it may be something to consider, but to risk your home for no guarantees no way, would anybody really want to start again in their midlife (I'm guessing) trying to get back into a sound financial position, to rebuild security that was lost, absolutely not. I think I would be rethinking my relationship if he continues trying to badger you into giving up financial security and peace of mind.

Hello, I wonder if this thread is still going and what happened to the lady who shared her story. I am new here but in similar situation; can not find most recent messages respond properly.

Keep your house and keep your lifestyle. Why are you even entertaining the suggestion that you owe it to him to give up your dreams to fund his? You owe him nothing.

Don't do it, I beg you.

You don't want the house, so it's really simple. You only buy a house if you both want it.

I'm living this now, it's like grand designs gone wrong, I've lost several hundred thousand.

Please, just no, don't do it

Please do not do it. I am being asked to put all my money - I am mortgage free - into a bigger house with my partner. I refuse, we have arguments as he says I lack commitment. When I ask for a baby he says no. Power game. Goes nowhere. All the girls here told me to stop and move on. I feel coming onto here and venting opened my eyes even if I wasn't ready to hear all that I heard. All this money investing is a dangerous game. Specially if not married and child free, partner has adult children. All that will happen in years we will be left with nothing and asked by the kids to move out. No way.