Is it ever possible to move past having the ick?

[AmIoverbeingmarried]

Little bit of background - been together 17 years married for 7, mortgaged home, 2 children aged 5 and 3, dog. Both work full time.

Lately I've been feeling we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Sex life is pretty non existent he initiates it but I either put him off or feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not that into it. I enjoy self pleasure just feel yuk with him. I miss sex.

I'm no longer attracted to him and generally as a person I think he is a bit spoiled and selfish. Also can be a bit controlling.

I can't pin point what has caused this change but its been like it for a few years. Put a lot down to PND and thought the house was too small after having 2nd child, we moved to a bigger home, wasn't exactly on same page with some of the renovation.

I've told him I'm not happy, he wants to work through it, says he thought we were forever and want our children to grow up with parents who are together. He's in love with me and still attracted to me so saying I'm unattracted to you just seems hurtful, so I've not told him that.

He has tried to change and has really pulled his weight around the house and does more with DC but I'm still unhappy.

If he touches me I feel my skin crawl, when I receive a text my eyes roll and I have a what do you want feeling. All the passion and excitement feelings are long gone.

I sometimes find myself delaying going home from work.

I've tried sparking some passion back up, going on dates, having more family days out, more action in the bedroom but it hasn't altered anything. I went away for a few days with DC to visit family and I didn't miss him.

So my question is when you have the ick is it ever possible to move past it or when it happens is it a sign the relationship done?

It sounds like you did your best to revive things but couldn't. It's good that you told him. Sometimes there are no answers. I hope the separation goes well for you. You deserve happiness.

Well done.
You deserve to be happy, and so does he.

Before you updated I was going to say that you described him as good, kind etc but then described behaviour (around your pnd etc) that was not good or kind.

It sounded like he wouldn't compromise or help you or pull his weight or let you pull less weight during an extended hard time him you .... then further it by not pulling his weight during house move.

You said he has changed/stepped up but it seems like damage was done.

*extremely hard time

I think you've made the right decision. He can still be a good dad, and you will still be a family but just not all living together.

I've never understood why people think that long relationships should be saved at all cost because otherwise the time would be considered wasted.
If things have run their course then why prolong it? Flogging dead horses and all that.

He says that was because he too was suffering with depression & was trying to be strong & hold it together for me

It seems we both just shut off from each other

IME I totally think you can get it back.

Although my DH is good looking we were never that sexually compatible. We'd been together for years and after DC2 was born that became my excuse to slowly start retreating sexually, and we had a very dry few years, but not without him trying.

He's always had a high sex drive though and one day I walked into the bedroom after putting the DCs to bed to find him 'setting up' for a bit of a session. It really took me by surprise and suddenly made me feel sexually attracted to him again. It really reinvigorated our sex life.

I think if you really fancied them once you can get it back, unless there's been a big change physically.

How was he trying to be strong and hold it together for you .. if he wouldn't consider you working part-time etc during your post natal depression?

By doing chores around the house that I wasn't doing, after he'd done a full day's work.

Yea he says it all must have been a lie, I'm throwing away so much, i don't know how good I got it, grass isn't always greener, it won't be easy etc etc

I just think there is no point in forcing it.

I still don't get how doing some extra chores (on top of hos 50% since you both worked fulltime) negates a real discussion about you dropping to part-time work, until you in some way recovered from PND.

I remember this feeling. The eye rolling, ffs what do you want now feeling. It's a death knell. You haven't got the ick, you've just had enough of this relationship.

You can’t make yourself feel what you don’t feel ie it’s not a choice. At least you tried to see if it could be saved.

Ithink it was inevitable really but good luck to you.

You gave it a good shot, I read the post from the start and was pleased to see you kept us updated.
I hope you're ok as these days can be emotionally rough.

I'm in the Same situation you were last year, although I've had the ick for a while now.
We had an almost break up a couple months now and I really need to tell him, but I don't know how. I think I may post a 'hand holding' post soon.

Well done for being true to yourself and I wish you all the best

Well done, I'm in a really similar position to you, kids are 4 and 6, don't love my husband and definitely the ick. He's not been great in other ways too. I was wavering yesterday thinking about the kids and in tears all day, this thread is helping me to stay strong. I know I'll be happier but I'm sad for the kids. Stay strong, this isn't easy. But will be worth it. People keep telling me the kids need to see 2 loving parents separate, than unhappy ones together and are better off without the atmosphere at home. It's true.

In my experience its better to tell them than keep both of you living in limbo.
I covered it so well that I think he believed all our problems were sorted so the blow hurt even more.

You are strong and you can do it if that is what you really want.

That's what hurts me the most is things the children will miss out on as a single parent but I think a happier parent everyday is better than a holiday

Thank you for your words of encouragement .

How did you actually tell DH it was over? Was it out of the blue or did you arrange a time mentally.
I have no idea whether to tell my DH in the day, evening, before or after work. I am petrified to be honest as I'm quite timid.

Keep us posted how you get on!

I changed my username BTW, incase you get confused

I told him on a weekend when neither of us had work so being emotional driving to work or in word was an issue. I told him I wasn't happy & didn't want it anymore.

He shouted, stormed off and came home & got drunk.

We're a week on & he's refusing to accept it. Thinks I'm having a midlife crisis. We hardly speak & can't stay in same room together for long. I'm sleeping on the sofa. I haven't yet pushed 'next steps' chat as I wanted to allow him time to process.

I've been going out for evening walks to get away from the situation when I come back he'll try make conversation about it asking where I went, was it busy etc. Or if I've had parcels asked what I've been buying. I'm just thinking what's it to do with you, I told you it's over.

I'm going to jump on here and say I had the ick with DP a couple of years ago. We are now back to normal (not much better but sparks are back) we have had a couple of family traumas in the past 2 years were I watched DP really step up and it's made me fall back in love with him. Relationships are odd and difficult but if it's true love it will
work out.

Ours was to a point we were also not having sex.

What on earth is 'setting up' for a big session?

I ask that as someone who has marathon shag weekends. If you have to 'set up' anything isn't that a bit of a mood killer?

He's trying to be your friend OP, or rather, to be friendly. He's trying to build some sort of bridge again because he's panicking.

If you don't want that, and to be honest, your thought processes and what you say are your gut internal reactions, are pretty horrible about him, then you need to be the one to start on next steps. You're breaking up with him. The onus is on you to figure that out and sort it out in the first instance. Even if that means you moving out temporarily or whatever else. Is it his house too? Just because you're the Mum doesn't mean it'll be you staying in it.

@AmIoverbeingmarried it's horrible being in limbo isn't it? I'm in the same situation, it's unbearable! I just want to move out and rent for some space and to start moving forward but it will be very tight financially if I do. Be nice to fast forward to when things have settled and we're embracing life again. My husband keeps trying to be nice, which is now making my skin crawl and provoking much eye rolling from me. Then he's his usual self again and I am reminded of why I'm leaving.....stay strong, better times are coming!