Is it ever possible to move past having the ick?

[AmIoverbeingmarried]

Little bit of background - been together 17 years married for 7, mortgaged home, 2 children aged 5 and 3, dog. Both work full time.

Lately I've been feeling we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. Sex life is pretty non existent he initiates it but I either put him off or feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not that into it. I enjoy self pleasure just feel yuk with him. I miss sex.

I'm no longer attracted to him and generally as a person I think he is a bit spoiled and selfish. Also can be a bit controlling.

I can't pin point what has caused this change but its been like it for a few years. Put a lot down to PND and thought the house was too small after having 2nd child, we moved to a bigger home, wasn't exactly on same page with some of the renovation.

I've told him I'm not happy, he wants to work through it, says he thought we were forever and want our children to grow up with parents who are together. He's in love with me and still attracted to me so saying I'm unattracted to you just seems hurtful, so I've not told him that.

He has tried to change and has really pulled his weight around the house and does more with DC but I'm still unhappy.

If he touches me I feel my skin crawl, when I receive a text my eyes roll and I have a what do you want feeling. All the passion and excitement feelings are long gone.

I sometimes find myself delaying going home from work.

I've tried sparking some passion back up, going on dates, having more family days out, more action in the bedroom but it hasn't altered anything. I went away for a few days with DC to visit family and I didn't miss him.

So my question is when you have the ick is it ever possible to move past it or when it happens is it a sign the relationship done?

It's over because you have checked out of the marriage. Time to come clean your husband deserves to know.

It sounds more than the Ick, you don't want him near you and you sound like you don't care for him.

His behaviour sounds like the cause.

You've had enough, I'm afraid. I know you'd give anything not to feel this way!

He is a good guy, dependable, caring, family man.

He hasnt always been very supportive he wasn't brilliant help when I had PND. Wouldn't let me go part-time to help with the overload of full-time working with 2 young kids and trying to sort belongings to sell and buy new home.

I have spoke to him about how I felt and he took it on board and read lots of online help info says its that we've become disconnected and we have tried to do more things to get back on track, like sitting together on sofa, going on dates, family walks after work, playing board games etc.

He's addressed things I spoke about and is really trying to make me happy.

I hate the thought of breaking the family apart but I just don't know if I can continue feeling like this, I'm 36, I'm not sure I do another 30 odd years living like this.

He is a good guy, dependable, caring, family man

Loads of men are. Do you suppose yourself to be compatible with them all?

@Pinkbonbon

Why would you even try? I wouldn't be having sec with someone that made my skin crawl, ever. I mean c'mon now op, why would you? That's so grim.

Because he is my husband and I made a vow to him. He is the father of my children and I should at least try to work on the relationship

I have but I have always respected and fancied dh.

I think you need to give it a certain length of time in your head and if it’s not better, you know what to do.
Please let us know how you get on, I got the ick a long time ago but don’t have the guts to have the conversation or go.

This feeling has been around for a long time but I first admitted it to myself at the start of the year, told him in May, 1.5 month later I told him it was over but he begged me to keep trying for the kids and to not throw away the 17 years we'd been building our lives together. We're 1.5 month on and my feelings haven't changed.

Do I give up or keep trying to move past the ick?

Have you tried sending the kids to grandparents and having some time away just the two of you?

It might help you reconnect

Would he consider a trial separation ?
Perhaps you could try dating if you missed him.

I don’t think you can. I felt exactly like you after 15 years of marriage. But now I wish I’d worked at it as my life and relationships have been shit since my marriage broke up. Tread carefully x

Yep...had the 'ick' when kids were young ... I stuck in there . Things have been great for 15 years . Last one went to Uni yesterday... we had sex I. The stairs last night 🙈🙈🙈

It is DEFINITELY recoverable in my experience.

It's nice to see at least one person say it is recoverable, good for you guys getting the spark back and enjoying spontaneous sex 😉

@GoodnightGrandma

Would he consider a trial separation ? Perhaps you could try dating if you missed him.

I did ask previously and he simply said it wouldn't work for him.....

You are 36 so young if my husband made my skin crawl I would leave him .

Yeh I believe you can. Anyone can change their reaction to things. Effort, belief and commitment to changing yourself inside is required though.
It’s a bit like people think love is a feeling of warmth and being bowled over when its in fact actions you take towards someone who you believe deserves your time and effort.
I’ve done a lot of research into this in the past as I suffered relationship OCD. It took a lot to look past ingrained beliefs and social conditioning. It’s hard.
Of course if you don’t think it’s worth it, it may be worth looking at ending the relationship or maybe couples counselling..

Yes I believe you definitely can. How old are your DC?

@Famousfrays

Yes I believe you definitely can. How old are your DC?

3&5

Do you think it’s due to having such young children? Since having DC my sex drive has dipped loads.

@Magicalwoodlands

The ‘ick’ is not some sort of generally accepted scientific or sociological study, and to be honest it was never really intended to apply to long standing relationships with children.

It was a term from Cosmopolitan intended to describe casual dating where you inexplicably go off someone.

I think what you’re describing could possibly mean you’ve gone off him as a person but there are other possibilities as well. I’ve had PND myself and I have found lockdown and my partner working from home (and never leaving it) has really put me off sex with him, mostly because I am around him so much that any more intimacy puts me off.

I also find myself angry and snappy but if I’m honest with myself that is depression not the ‘ick.’

I am not saying this relationship isn’t irreparable but I think the above answers are far too blasé given you have been with this person nearly two decades and have very young children. In any relationship that spans more than a decade there will be times sexual attraction will peak and wane.

It doesn't matter if it came from cosmo, it's still a thing.

Sociology generally dehumanises people and their feelings etc. so a sociological study wouldn't really be relevant.

I'm also sure there will be plenty of scientific studies on similar concepts but they just don't use the term "the ick".

'I'm 36, I'm not sure I do another 30 odd years living like this.'

It's not a question of nothing or 30 more years though, is it? You have doubts, but why not set a time limit? 1.5 months is nothing. And your children are so young - they are hard work at that age so relationships often turn into a co-parenting enterprise leaving little or no time for you as a couple.

I've found feelings can fluctuate a lot. If you don't feel cared for and appreciated, someone wanting sex can be a massive turn off. A date night / weekend away might help you remember what you once were to each other. Have you tried talking about what bothers you (leaving out the ick part which would just upset him) in terms of how you would like to be treated?

It may not work but it's not do or die NOW.

just told my husband its over.

He wants answers I can't give other than I'm not happy & I don't love him anymore. I told him a year ago & stuck it out but its not worked & I can't keep going for the kids only.

This is so encouraging!!! I’ve been feeling much like the OP for the past few years. Sex is a giant chore, and I sometimes wish I didn’t need to look at my DH or even be in the same room as him, even though he’s absolutely lovely. We have 3 DCs under 5 though, so I’m hoping it’s a phase of life thing. 🤞I don’t think I’d ever leave him. Fair enough if he chose to leave me, but I hope he won’t. Ugh… life with small kids is no walk in the park…

Good to hear that you have told him OP.

He’s not giving you what you need so what’s the point of him from your perspective? You should be able to continue to access his resources that you may need for children after separation & divorce and it will allow to move on. Always look forward and remember it is him who has failed, not you. Too many men seem to think they can coast through relationships these days,
and it’s our fault for not setting a higher bar.

We only get one life and we have to be proactive about getting what we want, to wait around for things to happen to us.