Told him I want him to go ...

[Lan2020]

Some.of you may remember my previous posts about my relationship with my partner. Long story but he has basically never been a support to me, let me move house alone at 9 months pregnant (when we were moving in together), was telling me I should be bending down picking up things he dropped after my c section because I'm younger and fitted. He was addicted to Xbox (not so bad now) but would play until 3am, then stay in bed until 1pm. I'd be up all night with the baby, doing school runs and all house work and if I was ever upset he would tell me I'm mental and hormonal. He's someone who when I had a vomiting bug, he walked past the bedroom whilst I was vomiting into a bowl and out 7 month old was screaming in bed next to me and didn't help. Anyway, there is so much more...
He's someone who talks loud, interrupts constantly and talks over me. He's addicted to his phone and can't even be bothered to listen to me speak. He constantly criticises everything and comes out with stupid comments, shouts at me and tells me I'm mental. Doesn't listen to my olpoint of view, just talks at me and then if I try and say anything he tells me I don't need to speak.
When I became pregnant he reluctantly agreed to live in my area as my son is in school here. It's literally half hour from where be was previously living (at his dad's house which be lived for 11 years post divorce). I said the other day that if it wasn't for our son, he wouldn't live here with me and he said "yes that's right, I'm the one with the money. I would have told you that you're moving to XXX and you have no choice. You'd have obviously disagreed and our relationship would be over and it's your fault".
I asked him to help with our son recently because I've had chronic pelvic pain and he said he would rather I didn't work at all and just do the housework and stop moaning at him" because he's a traditional man and when he was growing up the woman looked after the home. I do everything in the house and work more hours than him.

I feel bullied and I feel he's trying to break me. He wants me to think Im going mad and I'm scared people believe him because he's a doctor and so much older than me. He'll shout at me and argue with me and if I get upset he tells me I'm crying like a baby and obviously mental and need help. He constantly tells me I'm mental and depressed. This is because when we fall out, I go quiet and he says I'm a miserable bitch. I don't go quiet to be passive aggressive, it's literally because I can't communicate with him. He's doesn't listen and shouts over me. Guaranteed that EVERY SINGLE disagreement we have (or issue I bring up) will lead to him telling me I'm mental. Honestly. Every. Disagreement. He will turn everything around to the fact I'm crazy. Oh I'm an angry person too. I don't even know what he means by angry. I admit that I've raised my voice but this is because he shouts over me and then he comes out with such ridiculous things that I almost can't cope to listen to it.

Just an example from tonight. I have spoken to his brother's wife to discuss us all metring this weekend. Her and I have decided we would meet at a farm and do crazy golf. I explained this to him and before confirming with her, I asked if he was ok with this. He said yes. So I confirm with her. I get into bed and the moaning starts...
"Do you think it's a god idea to take DS to XXX "
"Yes, it's a place for children his age, why dont think we shouldn't?"
"Last time he didn't like the animals"
" He was a little scared of some but he was happy to look at them all and not get too close, plus they have parks etc"
"It's so expensive there, it'll cost ..."
"Ok then, we can make alternative plans if you like"
"No it's just silly and food will cost a lot too'"
"Ok, well we can take packed lunch. I need to sleep now"
"And crazy golf is a ridiculous idea"
"Ok, I know he may run around a bit but I thought it would be something nice to do"
"As long as you know that you're doing all the running around and chasing him. I'm not"
"Ok, if you think it's that bad, let's just make other plans or cancel"
"You never make plans"
"I've just made plans and you aren't happy with them"
"Also I'm playing darts the night before, so I don't want to go early" (going at 11am but he can never be out the house before 2pm.
"Ok, so we should cancel"
"Whats wrong with you, you're so highly strung"
"I'm tired, I have to be up early. If you aren't happy then let's not go"
"You're a miserable cow all the time"
"I've been upset because you always criticise me"
"I don't, you're just a miserable bitch and crazy. You're depressed and you need help. You evidently have no insight into your mental health"
"The way you treat me makes me feel depressed. I'm not actually depressed though"
.it basically led on to why are we together and I've said I honestly have no idea and I just want him to go, I've had enough.

I feel warn down. He moans constantly about everything. I dread doing anything with him because it always leads to him insulting me. I feel completely uncared for and unimportant. I mostly feel I could drop dead and he'd be over it in an hour.

I'm 34. He's 51. I want to live my life, get married again, own a home. I think he would rather we had never had a child (although he does love him) and live at his dad's rent free and have a gf he sees once a week.

Honestly though, I can't express how frustrated and upset I am that he insults me and then tells me I'm going mad. He probably tells others I'm mad too.

I've no idea what will happen. I assume he'll leave in the morning.

I know I look like I'm completely literate. I was typing quick whilst crying. I can see my mistakes.

You don't look iliterate you look desperate. Glad you're getting shot of him. Don't expect him to go so easily though. Your right he's trying to break you. Whatever you do about anything ever, it won't be right in his eyes. Don't try to understand his insults, that's all they are, they're not the truth, you're not doing anything wrong.

Do you rent or own? And who's name is it in?

Wow ! You should be proud of yourself for sticking up for yourself !

No one deserves to be treated badly especially by someone who is supposed to love you.

Well done for saying your piece

You must do what is best for you and your child and if you are not happy and he is not respecting you then I think you know your answer

@Lan2020

I know I look like I'm completely literate. I was typing quick whilst crying. I can see my mistakes.

Quite the opposite actually my dear. You write with genuine insight & your sense of independent self is coming through loud & clear. Well done - he hasn't ground you to a husk yet!

But you know he will, eventually, & yes, he needs to leave tomorrow.

I'm so glad you are working. Your useless ex will have to top up your earnings with some child support, & who knows, he might even manage to step up for contact days & do some fucking childcare once in a while

Stay strong, don't relent to any weaselling back tactics he might try.
He might escalate bad behaviours in an attempt to re-establish control, but it's your house & he can piss off out of it. If he doesn't go willingly, call the cops (non-emergency) & tell them your abusive ex is refusing to leave your home, & you are concerned that he is not behaving rationally in accepting your clear request to leave you alone.

It's more likely that he'll just give you a load of hurtful verbals on his way out - but you already know he talks shit, so let it wash over you & look forward to having a peaceful home life again.

Sounds like he’s an utter bastard and you’ll be well shot of him.

I only worry about your financial situation as you’re not married. Do you earn well? Can you afford your own place?

Seriously though he’s trying to grind you down. You’ve done so well standing up for yourself. You’ve become acclimatised to his shit. You deserve better. You will manage fine without him as you work. He wanted you to stop so you’d have no money. Then you’d be in his control for ever. His whipping boy.

He may be a doctor but, like my misogynistic gp, just coz you’re a doctor doesn’t mean youre a nice person.

Speak to womens aid if you need support.

You get away from him and be happy. In a few months you’ll look back and wonder why you stuck it so long. You’ll be much happier without him. You can totally do this. You’re stronger than you think.

You poor thing, you must be so worn down. I’m worried for you that he won’t leave, you’ll have to insist. One way to do this is tell people- tell his brother/your sister in law that actually you’ve split up and asked him to leave and he won’t, if they can explain to him he has to go that would be really helpful. Tell friends.
I don’t know the housing situation to know if you can ask police to remove him- is it your house, or are you the one on the tenancy? If so you can have him removed.

Lan, I recall your many threads about your contemptuous Partner who thrives on degrading and destabilizing you. Kudos for reading him the riot act and showing him the door.

You grew up in an abusive home and have repeated that pattern. If you stay, your two sons will be damaged by their exposure to this toxic relationship and will carry the blueprint into their future.

Lan, if he doesn’t actually leave, please protect yourself and your boys by formulating an exit strategy and moving on.

Good riddance. Him leaving will be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Good job…you’ll be so much better rid of him!

Oh my god ,
Get him out
Get rid
Nasty man
Do u want your son treating you the same way ,it’s how they learn to treat women watching their dad with their mum.
Come on find some fight and send him back to his das

I hope he goes

Who owns the home?

I take my hat off to you- you seem like a super strong woman & definitely better off without him!! He is manipulative as you’ve already worked out.
Do you have a plan for leaving/somewhere to stay? Sending you a hug. I think being free of him will be a breath of fresh air for you & your sons. Good luck & absolutely put yourself first!! Xox

Is this the Dr who only works about 10 hrs a week ?
If so thank goodness you have found your angry self ! I remember your posts too
As a health professional myself I do wonder what the GMC would think of this abusive asshole and some of his other habits you've previously described
I read recently of a GP being struck off after the abuse of his wife came to light
You are doing the right thing for your children
You are not mental
You are not miserable
You are not stupid
Keep being brave and be free - teach your children what healthy relationships look like
💐

So what are you going to do about it Op? You know you seem clear minded enough to know that this isn’t right and anyone who loves their partner doesn’t treat them like that. You are with someone who doesn’t love you, doesn’t help out with anything and treats you like shit.

This is your life and you only get to live it once. By what you have said on here you might as well be a single mum. Go find someone who deserves you

Thank you all for the support.
It's a complete mess. We rent together and our monthly rent is double my monthly pay and that's without any bills. So Ive no idea what to do. I appreciate I can ask about emergency housing but I don't want to end up in a rough area, in a flat above drug addicts, not with my children.

I neve used to stand up for myself. In fact, he was very happy for the first half of our relationship. I was such an idiot. Id do everything in the house and with the children and wait on him hand and foot. I was the perfect partner/nanny/maid. I did everything I could not to rock the boat because I didn't want him to leave me. I eventually got fed up with this because I realised I wasn't getting anything at all out of the relationship. Nothing. I told him that he contributed nothing positive to my life, I felt completely used and unimportant, so their was no point to the relationship. Eventually he spent less time on the Xbox and would have the baby for me to shower. Previously he would tell me I needed to give 24 hrs notice if I wanted him to look after DS for me to do anything (including wash) despite him spending upto 2 hours in the bathroom. At this point he was also spending around 10 hrs a day on Xbox. He once came off the Xbox after 9 hours of playing (at 8pm) and I asked if he could have our son half an hour so I could shower. We ended up in a huge arguement because he was planning on going straight back online! When I got upset, I was called mental and hormonal.

He basically feels misold because I used to be laid back and now I actually speak up for myself. Also, he would never drive to see me. I would always do all the driving. Basically in one of the first conversations we had, he said he didn't like driving and said I didn't mind it. That was it. Ever since, he has took that to mean that I would do all the driving to him. So when I was pregnant, anaemic, passing out, working 12 hours and doing 100 miles of driving in the day, it was still expected I drive to him. If I ever questions it, or said I hoped that in certain circumstances he would be willing to come to me, he said I'm a complete liar. He still says to this day that I said I like driving and obviously I don't, I'm a liar and lie to him. He seems to exaggerate everything!

I used to feel like he was so much better than me. He comes from a better family and is an arrogant snob. He regularly makes comments about people who gave failed in life, such as ship works, builders etc and it really annoys me because I hate arrogance and had a poor upbringing. I have come to realise though that not many woman would put up with this. I have even said to him in the past that the reason all his exes are 'crazy' (his words not mine) is because no self respecting woman with a healthy level of self esteem would stay with him and it's the truth.

@givinglessfucksdaily yeanhes the one who works 10 hours a week. Then lies down for 3 hours as it's such a hard day. Strangely, when he split with his ex wife she tried to get him struck off! Although everyone tells me she was crazy I feel sorry for her.

Oh well done, you have done the right thing without doubt. He brings nothing to your life. He is mean, grumpy, irrational, obstructive, insulting, disrespectful, lazy, selfish, arrogant - and yet somehow thinks he's better than you!

He is so dillusional it's not true.

Every part of your life will be better when you separate. Every single part.

You will look back and wonder why you stayed around so long.

Stay strong. Don't believe any rubbish he spouts trying to stick around. Re-read your list of his behaviour and his language towards you. Is that the langauage of a husband who loves his wife?

Shop workers not ship workers!
Again, I know their are typos

Just make sure he actually leaves OP.
You don’t get very long on this earth, you can’t waste time being unhappy.

Don’t worry about money etc Op, it will work out. It always does, being a single parent on a low wage isn’t unheard of it’s very common and people get by. Plus he will have to pay maintenance and support you.

He sounds like an utter prick.

It’s your heart that will be the hardest to untangle. The practical stuff, there will be ways. Don’t let that stop you.

Defo speak to the local council housing or housing association and tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse with children and see what they say.

The fact that his ex and you have both experienced his attitude proves this is not you it’s him for sure. His attitude will eventually make you and your children crackers.

You will be housed with your children. It’s highly unlikely he will go for custody of them as he is too lazy. Does the ex have kids? Does he ever see them?

@elieza apparently most of his exes are crazy 🙄 from what I have seen in the court reports and heard from family/friends his ex wife did have some issues, she cheated on him and when their relationship ended she stalked him and denied access to his child. However I am in no way defending him. Honestly, I can completely understand that he probably drove her to madness! He hatea her and always goes on about her being crazy. His ds is now 14. He sees him the standard EOW and more in hols. He won't go for custody, he's far too lazy. He never puts DS to bed or gets up with him and had never even bathed him.

You have great insight. It seems like he is constantly bashing your self esteem. Keep standing up for yourself and challenging his words and behaviour. He is not being an equal to help raise your child. I'd be telling him that you are utterly sick of his words and actions and that you would clearly be better off without the negativity. Of course he will attempt to make you feel like you couldn't cope but i'd tell him he isnt being supportive so at least if he went it one less thing to deal with. Your mental health is so important and helps your overall health. He's a drain. He sounds like a smart arse, so unattractive. Follow through and get rid of him. Good luck , stay strong you know deep down you are doing the right thing, he'll grind you down if you stay in this relationship

You'll be well shot of him. I really hope he clears off this morning. You and your child deserve so much better.

At least you know he won’t fight you for custody as he’s a lazy twat…

Thanks all.
The issue is that when I question him, I'm told I'm either angry, aggressive, mentally unstable or hormonal. I need medication and a therapist. I call him out on what he says but apparently I'm oversensitive and ridiculous and the fact I'm upset demonstrates my mental health issues.

He got out if bed 10 mins ago and is talking to me as normal. This is what always happens. We never, ever resolve anything. It's a cycle, he is nasty to me, I question it, he continues being misogynistic and shouts at me, I get upset, I'm mentally unstable and pathetic because I'm upset. I leave the room because I can't cope, I'm then an angry person. The next day he carries on as normal and if I'm still upset or quiet it's because I have issues and can't let things go.