Told him I want him to go ...

[Lan2020]

Some.of you may remember my previous posts about my relationship with my partner. Long story but he has basically never been a support to me, let me move house alone at 9 months pregnant (when we were moving in together), was telling me I should be bending down picking up things he dropped after my c section because I'm younger and fitted. He was addicted to Xbox (not so bad now) but would play until 3am, then stay in bed until 1pm. I'd be up all night with the baby, doing school runs and all house work and if I was ever upset he would tell me I'm mental and hormonal. He's someone who when I had a vomiting bug, he walked past the bedroom whilst I was vomiting into a bowl and out 7 month old was screaming in bed next to me and didn't help. Anyway, there is so much more...
He's someone who talks loud, interrupts constantly and talks over me. He's addicted to his phone and can't even be bothered to listen to me speak. He constantly criticises everything and comes out with stupid comments, shouts at me and tells me I'm mental. Doesn't listen to my olpoint of view, just talks at me and then if I try and say anything he tells me I don't need to speak.
When I became pregnant he reluctantly agreed to live in my area as my son is in school here. It's literally half hour from where be was previously living (at his dad's house which be lived for 11 years post divorce). I said the other day that if it wasn't for our son, he wouldn't live here with me and he said "yes that's right, I'm the one with the money. I would have told you that you're moving to XXX and you have no choice. You'd have obviously disagreed and our relationship would be over and it's your fault".
I asked him to help with our son recently because I've had chronic pelvic pain and he said he would rather I didn't work at all and just do the housework and stop moaning at him" because he's a traditional man and when he was growing up the woman looked after the home. I do everything in the house and work more hours than him.

I feel bullied and I feel he's trying to break me. He wants me to think Im going mad and I'm scared people believe him because he's a doctor and so much older than me. He'll shout at me and argue with me and if I get upset he tells me I'm crying like a baby and obviously mental and need help. He constantly tells me I'm mental and depressed. This is because when we fall out, I go quiet and he says I'm a miserable bitch. I don't go quiet to be passive aggressive, it's literally because I can't communicate with him. He's doesn't listen and shouts over me. Guaranteed that EVERY SINGLE disagreement we have (or issue I bring up) will lead to him telling me I'm mental. Honestly. Every. Disagreement. He will turn everything around to the fact I'm crazy. Oh I'm an angry person too. I don't even know what he means by angry. I admit that I've raised my voice but this is because he shouts over me and then he comes out with such ridiculous things that I almost can't cope to listen to it.

Just an example from tonight. I have spoken to his brother's wife to discuss us all metring this weekend. Her and I have decided we would meet at a farm and do crazy golf. I explained this to him and before confirming with her, I asked if he was ok with this. He said yes. So I confirm with her. I get into bed and the moaning starts...
"Do you think it's a god idea to take DS to XXX "
"Yes, it's a place for children his age, why dont think we shouldn't?"
"Last time he didn't like the animals"
" He was a little scared of some but he was happy to look at them all and not get too close, plus they have parks etc"
"It's so expensive there, it'll cost ..."
"Ok then, we can make alternative plans if you like"
"No it's just silly and food will cost a lot too'"
"Ok, well we can take packed lunch. I need to sleep now"
"And crazy golf is a ridiculous idea"
"Ok, I know he may run around a bit but I thought it would be something nice to do"
"As long as you know that you're doing all the running around and chasing him. I'm not"
"Ok, if you think it's that bad, let's just make other plans or cancel"
"You never make plans"
"I've just made plans and you aren't happy with them"
"Also I'm playing darts the night before, so I don't want to go early" (going at 11am but he can never be out the house before 2pm.
"Ok, so we should cancel"
"Whats wrong with you, you're so highly strung"
"I'm tired, I have to be up early. If you aren't happy then let's not go"
"You're a miserable cow all the time"
"I've been upset because you always criticise me"
"I don't, you're just a miserable bitch and crazy. You're depressed and you need help. You evidently have no insight into your mental health"
"The way you treat me makes me feel depressed. I'm not actually depressed though"
.it basically led on to why are we together and I've said I honestly have no idea and I just want him to go, I've had enough.

I feel warn down. He moans constantly about everything. I dread doing anything with him because it always leads to him insulting me. I feel completely uncared for and unimportant. I mostly feel I could drop dead and he'd be over it in an hour.

I'm 34. He's 51. I want to live my life, get married again, own a home. I think he would rather we had never had a child (although he does love him) and live at his dad's rent free and have a gf he sees once a week.

Honestly though, I can't express how frustrated and upset I am that he insults me and then tells me I'm going mad. He probably tells others I'm mad too.

I've no idea what will happen. I assume he'll leave in the morning.

Stop questioning him - it's gets you nowhere
Just get the ducks in a row and plan your next move

Just concentrate on getting moved out. Trying to talk to him is literally a waste of air, your energy and your emotions.

You are living with an emotional abuser and you know it.

Just hang onto the thought that nothing he says actually matters. It's what he does that matters, and that's sod-all, so that's how much he matters in the scheme of things.

Apply for UC! Apply for everything you’re entitled to. Contact your local council money advice team and see what you can apply for.
This man is a
Bully
Misogynist
Narcissist
Sexist
PIG

You’re well rid. He gives me the creeps so badly from what you’ve written

Let him get stuffed. He is an absolute pig. You deserve way better, throw his stuff out the door. Change the locks and tell him to do one.

Tell him you were serious when you said you want him gone. Do not allow him to carry on as though nothing happened. Given you cannot afford your current rental on your salary, is there anywhere you can go with your kids? Family/Friends who can help you out? Can you afford to rent a smaller place? Get on to women's aid and ask for help as you are in an abusive relationship.

He's a disgusting waste of space, there is no question you and your child should be getting away from him. Don't let your son grow up around him, he'll ruin his life too with his abuse and terrible backwards attitudes and behaviours.

The only thing that matters is figuring out the money so you can be free. Work out how much child support he has to pay on the online CMS calculator. If you are on a low income you might also qualify for universal credit to top up your salary as well as council tax support. Again there are online calculators to work this out. And start looking where you could afford move to.

Just focus on your plan, say nothing to him and leave when you are ready.

Time for him to go back to Daddy's to play with his little X-Box. You're going to do so well when he is finally out of your life. Well done you for getting to this point

I remember your previous posts and I am so glad that you’ve seen the light.

You know that he’s going to be too lazy to do anything about moving out so you need to write to the estate agent and give notice on the tenancy and you need to find somewhere new to live, pack up the kids and go.

Even if it’s somewhere a bit crap for a while it’ll be better for your kids to be living in a happy environment in a rough area then to be living with him.

I remember your previous posts, so glad you are getting out.

It's not you, it's him and you deserve so much better.

I feel completely uncared for and unimportant

That is exactly how he feels about you. Unimportant. Please get put. He’s a massive misogynist. His exes prove that-no wonder his ex didn’t want him having contact with their child. He sounds lazy, boring, unmotivated. What an idiot.

On top of wat other posters have said about him which I fully agree with, he is one SAD twat, 51 and playing on Xbox, oh my days how pathetic a life he leads

I have a feeling this will go the way of your many other threads and you'll igbore all the practical advice and just stay in status quo then make another new thread in a few few months or weeks when you've had enough (again).

Rinse, repeat. He has ground you down so so much but you have to want to help yourself and make steps to actually get out of that situation or it will be this for the rest of your life.

So he's not gone then. Your bringing your children up in a toxic environment, leave or they will turn into the same kind of man he is.

No good coming on ehre asking for advice and just ignoring it time and time again.

Put your children first and leave.

So what’s your plan OP?

You know he will never change. So it’s up to you to accept that this is all you’re worth and stop complaining. Or get legal advice and have a good life if your own with contented children.

Posting on here when you’re down and then doing nothing to improve your situation isn’t going to help you.

And by the sounds of PP you have done this before and you’re still in the same place now. Unhappy.

Stop putting it off and secretly get legal and housing advice on what’s available to you.

Don’t settle for him. He’s an arsehole. You’re stronger than you think.
Find out what your options are and consider them. And do something. You can do this. You don’t need him.

You've explained pretty clearly that he's a negative moaner, He sounds like a nightmare and the only way I'd be able to make it clear to you is he's 51 and will never change, do you want another 10 to 20 years of being told your crazy, depressed, and mental every time you dare to question what your husband might say? He obviously thinks he's perfect in every way shape & form but belittling you at every chance he gets makes me think he's terribly insecure and threatened by you so he's trying to keep you in a box of his own making.
That's no life that's barely an existence, I'd seriously question wether it's worth years more of unhappiness before you pluck up the courage to end the relationship & as for men who like to say I'm the majority earner and you will have nowhere to go, there is plenty of options now for women in your situation to be helped and you'll learn along the way you will find your own feet don't let him make you think you can't live without him, you did before you will again.

You need to get involved with Women's Aid OP, start talking to them and attending their groups, you can take your little one with you. You'll find a way out of this situation with their advice and support. You might find another person in the same situation as you who you could house share with if you can't afford a full rent on your wages. Even if they turned out to not be the best housemate, it will be better than sharing with your expletive (I can't say "partner" because he shares nothing!). It needs only be for a year or two until you get into a better situation with earnings.

Back again Lan?
You post every couple of months about this horrible knob of a man. The scenarios are different each time but still basically go the same way. The last one was the one about the TV being on downstairs or something.

Did you tell him to leave? Or was it just a sort of vague statement. Because he hasn't left has he?
Like a previous poster I rather fear that this will turn into a long thread with a lot of advice from people which you then are unable to act on. Things then go quiet for a couple of months and then the next thread appears.

Please re-read some of your other threads where people advised you HOW to get rid of him. He needs to go. You absolutely cannot live like this.

You don't need validation from him if you are crazy or not. He doesn't get to be judge and jury and quite frankly his opinions of you are never going to be free of his iwn agenda. Give yourself a chance to be you. And does it really matter what other people think. You need to free yourself from this torment and concentrate on healing and your LO who will be absorbing everything that goes on.

My exh was very similar op
.
Even when he raped me and I called him out on it the next day he denied it.
I took my wedding rings off that day and vowed to leave. Tooke 2 years but I did. Even then he didn't believe I would go. I had befriended a local lad who helped me leave.
He told people I had mh issues. When I told my friend what he had done he had already told her I had post natal depression and she accused me of lying.

Dd was 2 weeks old when he forced himself on me.

It really is you or him op. Make it you that comes out of this well.

Sadly I don't think you have any intention of leaving him. You've known he's been like this for years, his behaviour hasn't changed and there's no way at 51 it will, especially when there are no consequences for him.

As PPs have said, you post frequently about this man, who appears to have no redeeming features apart from the fact that he financially supports you, which seems important to you, yet you've also mentioned in a recent thread that you want to get a mortgage together. You seem to want to tangibly tie yourself to him, despite your periodic insistence that he is a terrible partner and you want rid of him.

There's no point asking for advice when you have no intention of taking it....

apparently most of his exes are crazy

Tells you all you need to know really....

Get out, however difficult it will be.

Mumsnet is here for you.

He isn't.

@Brollywasntneededafterall

My exh was very similar op . Even when he raped me and I called him out on it the next day he denied it. I took my wedding rings off that day and vowed to leave. Tooke 2 years but I did. Even then he didn't believe I would go. I had befriended a local lad who helped me leave. He told people I had mh issues. When I told my friend what he had done he had already told her I had post natal depression and she accused me of lying. Dd was 2 weeks old when he forced himself on me. It really is you or him op. Make it you that comes out of this well.

This is so horrific, I'm so sorry you went through that

The embarrassing thing is when he interups my 10 year old and I have to ask him to let him finish his sentence.

He makes your son feel shit. This will worsen as your son gets older and either answers back more or becomes submissive like you said you feel, shaping his personality and making him vulnerable to abuse for his whole life.

He talks over me so much and gets loud/shouty to the point I raise my voice to be heard. He then tells me I'm an angry person and I need to seek therapy for my issues and insecurities. He honestly makes me feel as though I'm mentally unstable and that I'm the strange one.

Gaslighting and DARVO straight out of the abusers handbook. And again, forcing your kids to live in an abusive shouty house where they learn women should do as they are told.

Oh and apparently the reason I go quiet with him and get upset is because of my hormones. He has recorded the days and times I'm 'grumpy' but has decided it's possibly not my cycle and I need counseling!

Misogyny too. He thinks you are worth less than him as a woman. He tracked the days you are ‘grumpy’ which is frankly fucking mental.

We moved in together and I moved house alone. At 35 weeks pregnant I was dissembling beds, climbing in the attic and carrying king sized mattresses. I had nobody to help and no choice. He now says it was due to his back he couldn't help. Although he does have a bad back, his issue is bending. He could have just been there with me or did the high up bits. If I try and discuss this (I know it was 2 years ago but I feel shit about it and want to acknowledge how hard it was) he tells me I'm crazy and need psychiatric help.

He didn’t care if your baby was at risk, let alone if you were. He was happy for you to exert yourself to a ridiculous degree despite being heavily pregnant. As a doctor he is even more disgusting for this as he knows full well you shouldn’t have had to do it. Then called you crazy for being upset about it.

When I had a sickness bug he walked past my bedroom and watched me vomiting into a bowl whilst the baby cried next to me. He didn't even help. Just walked past and went into his room.

If I passed a stranger in the street vomiting I would help them. Let alone if they had a baby. Let alone if it was MY BABY. I’m not sure what will make you leave if that didn’t. A person behaving like that is a truly rare thing. Because he isn’t just thoughtless and selfish. He’s actively cruel.

You are making your older son live with an actively cruel man who isn’t his dad.

You are making your younger child live with an actively cruel man who is his dad.

This is not sustainable and you need to make a decision ASAP. Your poor boy being interrupted by this bloke and watching this bloke shut his mum down and make her feel small and insignificant.

What’s the plan?

@Brollywasntneededafterall

My exh was very similar op . Even when he raped me and I called him out on it the next day he denied it. I took my wedding rings off that day and vowed to leave. Tooke 2 years but I did. Even then he didn't believe I would go. I had befriended a local lad who helped me leave. He told people I had mh issues. When I told my friend what he had done he had already told her I had post natal depression and she accused me of lying. Dd was 2 weeks old when he forced himself on me. It really is you or him op. Make it you that comes out of this well.

I'm so sorry you experienced that and your friend was so shitty. Hope you're in a better place now.