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Relationships

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Original poster

He always cancels but for ‘ good reasons’

76 replies

Letdownsgain · 15/09/2021 23:47

Hi so me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, initially it was long distance and he moved closer to me. Next town over so still a train journey away.

We usually see each other just once a week. He usually has two days off and will come over when he finishes work then stay the night. Sometimes he will stay another night and go to work from here but it’s very expensive and he’s quite short on money right now.

Anyway, there has been times when he was supposed to come over and spend time and he just couldn’t. For example he went out the night he was supposed to do things at home which needed to be done, which meant he didn’t come over the next day. Which meant 2 weeks without seeing each other as he went to see family.

Now he’s had a few days off work and he told me how much he missed me and will spend these days with me. I was looking forward to this time, got all our favourite food in and he’s just told me he has job interviews on two of the three days he was supposed to come here. He then said he would stay Friday night after they’re all finished and spend the day Saturday. Now he’s dropped the bomb that he might not be able to stay as his family member is driving to his hometown and he misses his family.

These are all valid reasons and when I’ve brought it up before he tries to make out like I’m begrudging him time alone, or with his family or even having fun. I’m not I just don’t feel like I’m very important. I’ve expressed this to him and he just says he finds it hard to juggle everything.

I’m feeling really sad now, because I would make the time to see him. When I tell him he must just not be interested he doesn’t exactly reassure me. I don’t know how to bring this up without looking selfish. But it’s true isn’t it, he’s just not that into me. And I am so bored of having a texting relationship. I’ve stopped even making conversation

OP posts:

Suprima · 15/09/2021 23:55

Two options…

if things were initially completely different from his and he was keen as mustard and desperate to arrange to see you…something has changed and he does not want the relationship to continue. He’s slow fading you.
if he has never really put in that much effort (ie. you do the organising of all visits and set the calendar) this has turned into a relationship of convenience where he’s happy for the once a week girlfriend, but isn’t massively interested.

If you had to repeatedly cancel on him for a good reason- I’d imagine you would make it up to him no matter what? Send a little something to suggest you are thinking of him? Plan something extra special for next time? He isn’t doing that for you.

Your relationship also seems dysfunctional. Where are dates? Where is the fun? He’s coming over to your house after he finishes work for a shag, dinner and sleep. What do you get out of this? What value is he adding to your life?

You also have self esteem issues which need to be addressed otherwise you will continue to partner up with thoughtless men- “I don’t know how to bring it up without looking selfish”….come on. You are not selfish for wanting your boyfriend to actively want to see you.

Original poster

Letdownsgain · 16/09/2021 00:01

I think because last time I brought it up he said I was being selfish for not wanting him to see his family. I never said that I just knew he wouldn’t see me for 3 weeks so surely he would make the effort beforehand??

It’s really weird I can’t put my finger on it.

Last week he surprised me with dinner because I was really ill. Then he makes sure to call me every night after work but it’s not the same.

Dates… I always suggest dates but because things are tight for him he doesn’t want to go out all the time. I offer to pay just to do something different and he doesn’t want to do that.We are supposed to be going out the end of this month but we shall see…
I’m beginning to think it’s all a bit convenient for him. We get on amazingly when we’re together but it feels stale because it’s literally once a week if that.

OP posts:

Smackthepony · 16/09/2021 00:03

I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound that interested. The fact that he didn’t reassure you speaks volumes. It’s only been a year and this should be the infatuation phase. I would cut your losses and end it. As the saying goes, you will not find Mr right while you are with Mr wrong.

MorriseysGladioli · 16/09/2021 00:04

Couldn't you be included in his plans to see his family?

Dery · 16/09/2021 00:05

@Letdownsgain Really sorry to hear that, OP. But you're right: it does sound like he's just not that into you. I'm sure he likes you but it does rather sound as if you're Ms. Good Enough for Now. (That's no reflection on you, by the way). You've been together a year, and this sounds like a relationship that's not really going anywhere.

It's great that you're so clear-sighted and honest with yourself about it. It's painful when you care more for someone than they care for you. Pretty much everyone has been there. And in fact, pretty much everyone has been the person who doesn't care as much, also. But being clear-sighted about it will hopefully allow you to take the decision to move on rather than waste more time with this guy once you feel ready to take that step.

peardropsonarainyday · 16/09/2021 00:05

Just a thought op but do you think it's possible is he has other women in the go and is making his rounds with them all all week and that's why time is limited with him ?

Original poster

Letdownsgain · 16/09/2021 00:09

I have thought about other women he could potentially but he finishes work, calls me then cooks, then bed. Obviously he could be entertaining other women other days of the week but I wouldn’t know.

I actually wouldn’t want to go and stay with his family. I’ve met them plenty of times and they’re lovely. He most definitely didn’t ask me so that’s off the table lol.

I do feel like good enough for now. I don’t know why I’ve stuck around for so long. It just feels so nice when we’re together, but this shitty bit outweighs any good we have. I’m going to have to talk to him once he’s finished with his tour

OP posts:

Suprima · 16/09/2021 00:10

@Letdownsgain

It’s really weird I can’t put my finger on it.

Last week he surprised me with dinner because I was really ill. Then he makes sure to call me every night after work but it’s not the same.

A lot to unpick here.

First of all, I don’t know a man who would cancel on his girlfriend because he ‘missed his family’ unless aunt carol was back from Melbourne or it was nana’s 80th. I would also imagine a man to be so close that he misses his family so much, to want to introduce his girlfriend to them. Have you met them? Why has he not invited you back for the weekend?

Also, someone ‘surprising you with dinner’ when you are ill isn’t anything special so if that’s the only good thing he has done lately, that’s not great. It’s basic care to cook for someone when they are poorly. I imagine that means you sort out dinner the rest of the time?

It seems stale because it is- this man is using you as a sex bnb, he hasn’t made any real commitment to you, you don’t do anything as ‘money is tight’ so you need to organise and pay for everything AND he doesn’t really want to see you often?

Please, OP, you deserve better. So much better. This is just shit.

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 00:13

It's been a year and I know once/ twice a week suits some but in general if things were good it would have increased.

If he's doing x and y on the nights you'd placed it would be usual to meet other nights instead.

I don't think you're high on his list. I'm sure he enjoys your company and fancies you and cares about you etc and you've got a routine. Not rearranging means he likes how his weeks work and he doesn't want to drop whatever he does the other nights even if just pottering at home to see you

I'm sorry that's my honest opinion.

Original poster

Letdownsgain · 16/09/2021 00:14

I don’t think he hates me or anything. I just think he likes me but not enough/m. He’s said he loves me but I don’t FEEL it if that makes sense? I don’t feel like I’m with someone who can’t wait to see me. I’ve even gone to see him on a work day just to say hi and have lunch.

Ugh how did I even get into this

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 00:17

If he loves you he would arrange days to make up for it. And he'd want to see you more.

I'm sorry. You love him? I mean it's been a year you must be attached to him.

Have you been thinking this for a while? I mean I hope the responses aren't a shock.

Original poster

Letdownsgain · 16/09/2021 00:18

I have been thinking about it for a while. He’s done it a bit. He doesn’t try an make up he just comes round on his usual days. Basically he goes about his life and if I fit in fine, if not I’m the one who goes

OP posts:

Suprima · 16/09/2021 00:23

@Letdownsgain

Ugh how did I even get into this

No one is saying he hates you?!?

I’m sure he fancies you and is very comfortable with the situation.

However, you clearly aren’t the drop-everything-for-within-reason, can’t-be-without, dreamgirl. And it’s completely ok to want to be her.

I have had 3 LTRs with similarly ambivalent men who liked the sex and liked that I was passionate about paying half the bills but still cleaning the house and making their lives comfortable, I stupidly got engaged (his way of locking me down, not a romantic gesture) to one of them but thankfully saw the light. I have been there, feeling equally headfucked and taken advantage of!

I then met my darling OH who in the time your boyfriend has been using you as a crash pad, moved to be near me, bought us a house and continues to date and surprise me every week. I feel absolutely cherished and thank GOD I left the most serious of those mediocre/shit relationships.

As a pp said- don’t let mr wrong stop you from meeting mr right . Demand the best for yourself and nothing less. Ambivalent men are a waste of time.

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 00:26

@Letdownsgain

Well there's your answer. You're a nice part of his routine. A routine he has no desire to change after a year.

I'm sorry. Choices-

Split
Accept it for what it is and continue if you think you can do that without getting hurt
Carry on a bit and try to get really annoyed so when you dump him you will be firm and not interested in being talked round

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 00:27

What are you looking for in a relationship at the moment?

Looking for serious long term?
Fun?
Etc.

If something that gets serious then he's not it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/09/2021 00:58

Read "Why Men Love Bitches"

Right now you are the nice girl who he has to put zero effort into because he knows you will take whatever crumbs he throws your way. Set your boundaries IN STONE and he will suddenly be all over you like a rash. Ironically, once you do that you will realise that actually you are worth more than this piss taking selfish arse.

Seriously, read it.

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 01:13

Or better just dump him.

Incidentally I've managed to have plenty of boyfriends and am married and never behaved like a 'bitch' in the way described.

Where does this drivel come from?

Pretending to be something you are not in order to keep the interest of a man who likes women who behave in ways that aren't what you're like is a silly strategy.

Suprima · 16/09/2021 01:24

@NiceGerbil

Or better just dump him.

Incidentally I've managed to have plenty of boyfriends and am married and never behaved like a 'bitch' in the way described.

Where does this drivel come from?

Pretending to be something you are not in order to keep the interest of a man who likes women who behave in ways that aren't what you're like is a silly strategy.

It’s not about pretending to be something you’re not, it’s about learning your self worth and learning how to assert your boundaries in dating, and then eventually relationship.

The title is tongue in cheek- as women who know what they want, have high standards and have confidence in themselves to get it are often seen as ‘bitches’.

The poster isn’t advising she uses it as a strategy (she wants her to dump him and so do bloody I) but is stating that if she had a mindset shift and knew her worth, she would immediately become more attractive to him. Men don’t go to the moon and back for doormats who accept crumbs. They just get crumbs. They’re good enough to sleep with and cook for them though.

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 01:34

What happened to standard nice people meeting other nice standard people, fancying each other, going out, getting on and things progressing perfectly fine?

Why would op want to make herself more attractive to him when he's behaved like this? She's got to do all this psychological work etc and behave xyz in order to make him want her. She's still doing all the work! And why would she want him to want her anyway after all this?

What about all the women who aren't looking for a man who will 'go to the moon and back'? What would that look like?

Sorry I know sounds like I'm taking a pop but I'm genuinely interested.

This sort of stuff has been around forever. For women. Men's stuff on getting dates etc seems to be pua shite.

Isn't it better just to be who you are and if you meet someone you like and they like you then see where it goes?

NiceGerbil · 16/09/2021 01:35

I mean loads of men are not arseholes is another point!

CoronaPeroni · 16/09/2021 01:38

These don't sound like good reasons at all. Just excuses when he cba. He went out on a night he meant to do things at home so decided to do them on the night he was seeing you? Why couldn't he have seen you another night or do the stuff at home the night after? If you just put up with this second-rate behaviour there's no reason for him to change. If it was me I wouldn't bother with him any more.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/09/2021 01:38

@NiceGerbil

Or better just dump him.

Incidentally I've managed to have plenty of boyfriends and am married and never behaved like a 'bitch' in the way described.

Where does this drivel come from?

Pretending to be something you are not in order to keep the interest of a man who likes women who behave in ways that aren't what you're like is a silly strategy.

As @Suprima says, its not about being someone you're not.

Sadly I think that the title doesnt help sell the book! It explains in the intro that "bitch" is the word used by many people (of both sexes) to describe a woman who knows her worth and will not sell herself short to please a man. Hence why I mentioned boundaries. Boundaries are the most important thing. But some people still think that we should all be "nice girls" which is misunderstood to mean "door mat". I am nice, kind and generous but only to people who are nice kind and generous to me. And that makes me a bitch according to popular opinion!

The book includes advice about financial independence (including when on ML etc). About realising that you are the one doing the run around, the one who is always putting their own life second to facilitate theirs, the one who does the treating and never gets treated.... and you know what happens if you do that? They will take what you give and give the absolute bare minimum back because they know that you will accept that.

This is what is happening to the OP.

Susannahmoody · 16/09/2021 01:38

It just all sounds so bland and predictable. Which is fine if you want that

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/09/2021 01:41

@NiceGerbil

What happened to standard nice people meeting other nice standard people, fancying each other, going out, getting on and things progressing perfectly fine?

What about all the women who aren't looking for a man who will 'go to the moon and back'? What would that look like?

Sorry I know sounds like I'm taking a pop but I'm genuinely interested.

This sort of stuff has been around forever. For women. Men's stuff on getting dates etc seems to be pua shite.

Isn't it better just to be who you are and if you meet someone you like and they like you then see where it goes?

Its not about her making herself more attractive to him.

Its about her realising her own self worth and therefore far far less likely to fall for the "charms" of a twat like this next time.

And nice person meeting nice person and it all ending fabulously is at best, unlikely. Lets face it, most people are pricks.

seensome · 16/09/2021 01:51

I would end it, he can't give you the commitment you need. If he really wanted to see you, he'd find the time, also his financial situation isn't great by the sound of it, he can't match your needs a relationship can't thrive.

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