He always cancels but for ‘ good reasons’

[Letdownsgain]

Hi so me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, initially it was long distance and he moved closer to me. Next town over so still a train journey away.

We usually see each other just once a week. He usually has two days off and will come over when he finishes work then stay the night. Sometimes he will stay another night and go to work from here but it’s very expensive and he’s quite short on money right now.

Anyway, there has been times when he was supposed to come over and spend time and he just couldn’t. For example he went out the night he was supposed to do things at home which needed to be done, which meant he didn’t come over the next day. Which meant 2 weeks without seeing each other as he went to see family.

Now he’s had a few days off work and he told me how much he missed me and will spend these days with me. I was looking forward to this time, got all our favourite food in and he’s just told me he has job interviews on two of the three days he was supposed to come here. He then said he would stay Friday night after they’re all finished and spend the day Saturday. Now he’s dropped the bomb that he might not be able to stay as his family member is driving to his hometown and he misses his family.

These are all valid reasons and when I’ve brought it up before he tries to make out like I’m begrudging him time alone, or with his family or even having fun. I’m not I just don’t feel like I’m very important. I’ve expressed this to him and he just says he finds it hard to juggle everything.

I’m feeling really sad now, because I would make the time to see him. When I tell him he must just not be interested he doesn’t exactly reassure me. I don’t know how to bring this up without looking selfish. But it’s true isn’t it, he’s just not that into me. And I am so bored of having a texting relationship. I’ve stopped even making conversation

No most people really aren't pricks at all.

I mean some are in some ways all the time or sometimes. But most people are pricks full stop? They just aren't.

She just needs to chuck him. Now or when she's ready in the near future.

@NiceGerbil

What happened to standard nice people meeting other nice standard people, fancying each other, going out, getting on and things progressing perfectly fine?

Why would op want to make herself more attractive to him when he's behaved like this? She's got to do all this psychological work etc and behave xyz in order to make him want her. She's still doing all the work! And why would she want him to want her anyway after all this?

What about all the women who aren't looking for a man who will 'go to the moon and back'? What would that look like?

Sorry I know sounds like I'm taking a pop but I'm genuinely interested.

This sort of stuff has been around forever. For women. Men's stuff on getting dates etc seems to be pua shite.

Isn't it better just to be who you are and if you meet someone you like and they like you then see where it goes?

Did you read my post at all? No one is saying that she should make herself attractive to him, we are just saying that it most definitely would. We have both said she should dump him because it’s just not worth the energy or headache.

Regarding your comment about ‘what if women aren’t looking a man who will go to the moon and back…’ - if your partner isn’t going to the moon and back for you, making you smile, making an effort, then what is the point? A cat, a vibrator and a busy social life is more fulfilling than tolerating a mediocre relationship which revolves the woman carrying the social plans. Like what’s the point? If a man isn’t improving my life, taking an active role in planning our social life and making me feel loved- I’m not really here for it. But women have been conned to think that any man is better than none. It shouldn’t be that way.

Apart from that- I don’t really get the rest of what you’re saying. You want women to go out and date and ‘be themselves’ even if they are not confident about asserting their standards and boundaries? Yikes. There is a cesspit of cocklodgers, users and abusers who are ready to exploit that at worse, and at best beige, ambivalent men who will drag their heels on commitment but stay with you for the cooking, cleaning and 50% rent.

I don’t understand what is ‘not being yourself’ like understanding your self worth and vowing to ensure that your happiness and your emotional well-being should be valued. That’s the ultimate form of being yourself. That’s freedom.

@NiceGerbil

No most people really aren't pricks at all.

I mean some are in some ways all the time or sometimes. But most people are pricks full stop? They just aren't.

She just needs to chuck him. Now or when she's ready in the near future.

So you've had boyfriends and are now married so that means that you have it sussed? Or maybe.....just maybe you are one of those who allowed their boundaries to be trampled in order to "catch" yourself a man.

I'd love to know how old you are.

No I'm saying that most people, men and women, are just not that complicated.

I'm nearly 50 I'm not sure what that means about anything though. Why did you ask?

I'm also thinking that 'making you smile' and not being a wanker is hardly flying to the moon and back for you :/

I mean if that's it then that's not anywhere near enough is it.

I didn't say I had it sussed!

Blimey.

I just don't like games. Most people just think oh I quite fancy them, if they fancy back. Have a date. If get on have more. Etc. It's really not complicated.

I really don't like the idea that men need to chase and so women need to xyz that this sounds like.

One of my friends is very much like that. Sees it as a game. Goes out with men who play that game too.

Some men are shit, or horrible. Some men aren't. Most women meet a variety in their life.

If a man is a standard nice bloke he won't need boundaries set or need to set them himself because he is interested in the person he's seeing and likes her and wants her to like him. And has no intention of taking the piss etc.

Not all men are selfish arseholes that women need to manage in order to not be shat on. Is essentially what I'm saying.

None of these reasons are valid reasons. Messing people about is rude. If he makes plans with you he should do everything he can to honour those plans. He isn't. He's ignoring you plans together and making alternative arrangements for things he'd prefer to do. He's treating you like an option not a definite arrangement, but instead of leaving it to the last minute and risking you being unavailable he's making plans with you to ensure you're around if he feels like meeting up with you. It's unbelievably cruel to treat someone who cares about you this way. He's not a good person.

This relationship is going nowhere and even if it did you'd be miserable because he's flakey AF and that wouldn't change even if you were married and living together. Bringing it up with him is pointless, he'll probably try to run it back on you and make out it's somehow you fault. His not going to change ayanu apologies will be insincere. This is who he is, a selfish prick.

If you're going to stay with him you need to even things up by treating him the same as he treats you - like an option. So don't get special food in, don't rearrange work shifts, don't worry if traffic makes you late, don't worry if you're tired from a 24hr party the day before (or whatever it is you're into), don't turn down plans with friends or family for him. Only see him if you've got nothing else arranged, if something comes up or if you just don't feel like meeting up then cancel on him and don't worry if that's at the last minute. This is what he's doing to you, so do the same and don't feel guilty. I recommend you don't bother with the relationship at all though and just break up.

Just remembered a quote... may have been on here, cant remember but....

"Never make someone a priority when they treat you as an option"

So do you go to visit him in between him visiting you ? Just thinking the way you describe it, he's the one doing all the commuting, if that is so, that will be why he's lost enthusiasm, anyone would. However, if you mean he's just missing his turn, then that's less understandable.

Yep there's nothing complex going on here. He's just not that fussed. Sorry OP.

It sounds like you just aren't a priority, whilst a year isn't a long time, it's not new new either. If he saw things going somewhere you'd think he would be thinking about you meeting his family too, or taking the days you arrange to see eachother as important plans and not waiting for something else to come up. As an outside chance it could be he has anxiety or something, I used to make plans and be really excited then just couldn't go, but doesn't sound like that. I'd either take it as still casual and keep options open or move on.

It’s really weird I can’t put my finger on it.

Sorry op, it's not complicated. He just isn't that interested. Bin him off and move on.

Honestly, OP, it sounds dull, apart from anything else — he sounds incredibly set in his ways and routine-bound, and even though it’s no longer a LDR, he still seems to be behaving as though it is. How expensive is the train/bus/whatever means of transport from one town over that he’s only able to afford it once a week, or that it’s too expensive for him to go to work from your house, or that you can never go out together? Is he very badly-paid? How have you within a year got stuck with a weekly after-work ‘date’ at your house where he presumably gets dinner and sex and then goes home the next day, until it all happens identically a week later — and you’re both behaving as if this is a major concession he’s making for you, and sacrificing fun/family/free time for?

Come on, OP. Imagine having a boyfriend who was utterly delighted to spend time with you, who suggested a restaurant, going to the cinema, a gig, cooking for you in his house? You deserve more than your allotted one night a week at your house with Mr Routine.

Have you ever actually been to his place?
I'd sack him off. He's treating you more like a FWB

Agree with FluffyWhiteBird, these aren’t good reasons. Unexpected job interviews, maybe. And if he’s broke I can understand his wanting to get a lift to see his family instead of paying for the train or coach, but didn’t you say he’d also not seen you the previous weekend because he went to see his family? And having to do things at home because he went out when he didn’t plan to … I don’t know, it just seems disorganised.

… he said I was being selfish for not wanting him to see his family. This is weird. Selfish how? Even if he’d had three chaotic weeks with unexpected things coming up and really couldn’t see you, I’d expect he’d be disappointed too, and understand why you’re a little sad and that it’s not great for you that he keeps cancelling at the last moment. A really enlightened being might even apologise for the inconvenience.

"Selfish" here feels like he might be trying to manipulate you (making you ashamed and guilty so you don’t bring up issues he doesn’t want to hear). Or he’s just emotionally immature and can’t even try to consider how you’re feeling. And then he tries to make out like I’m begrudging him time alone, or with his family or even having fun. Again - you’re the bad guy, keeping him from what he wants.

Maybe this guy’s a total jerk, maybe he’s "just" a little immature and flaky. Maybe he's great, and you're just incompatible. But he’s not making you happy and the two of you don’t seem to want the same things. Unless you can sit down and have an really honest talk and compromise - without his coming out with all this odd, self-righteous “selfish” and “begrudging” babble rather than listening to what you're saying - I don’t see how things can change within this realtionship.

I'd say to him
" I don't think this is working for me anymore , we seem to have different ideas of a relationship so let's not waste any more of my each other's time "
See how he responds - if he accepts that then you have your answer and then move on with your own priorities like friends family hobbies etc
If he's horrified and opens a conversation re not wanting to lose this then you have the option of ignoring it or seeing if he can make more effort ?

‘Family’ is just a perfect excuse though. He knows that you won’t argue against it. Is he really seeing family? Someone who was keen would be rearranging as soon as they have to cancel. If he was truly interested he would be afraid to give the impression that he’s losing interest, unfortunately he doesn’t seem to be bothered. Move on.

After a year long relationship seeing family and seeing your partner should not be mutually exclusive activities.

Yeah but @NiceGerbil it's easy (go on date, like them, go on another) if you have nice normal sensible boundaries and they operate below your conscious level so you sack off the idiots and continue with the nice fellas.

All those books about "Hey! You think being assertive makes you a bitch!!" are raising awareness for people who don't have that. The playing games, PUA, the Rules, Men Are From Whatever shite are all just painting by numbers, training wheels versions of being assertive.

You are a small part of his life. Fairly low down on his list of priorities .
Fair enough, that's what he is offering, he doesn't have to give more than that if he doesn't want to
Equally, it's your choice whether that's enough for you. It sounds like it's not so maybe ending things is the better option.

Years ago, I got friendly with a woman on the same street. After a few months, during a convo I said "it's nice to have a friend on the street"
Her reply? "You're not a friend, Dancer, you're just there"

This is how he sees you. You're nothing special to him - you're just there.

I stopped answering the door to my neighbour........

Wow @MamDancer that was pretty brutal!

Why is he always coming to you? If his excuse for not going to work from yours is money then can you go to work from his?

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I don’t go to his as he has a roommate and it’s not very comfortable staying there. I do get it could be tedious always coming to mine but he’s the one who always suggests “ I’ll come to yours?” Etc. The interviews I can understand that he needs time to prepare etc and hopefully it will put him in a better financial position.

But a lot of time it comes down to choices, a family member is going away for a while so he wants to see them before he goes. It’s not something I can really say well what about me? But if means ANOTHER week of not seeing each other and it’s not working for me. I want to ask him straight out how exactly do you feel about me? But his actions do tell me pretty much all I need to know.

When we last argued about this he said he chooses me, he’s tried so hard for me then I feel ungrateful for not really seeing it. Maybe we do just have different expectations but constantly flashing in my head is how bored I am

When we last argued about this he said he chooses me, he’s tried so hard for me then I feel ungrateful for not really seeing it. Maybe we do just have different expectations but constantly flashing in my head is how bored I am

This is it, isn't it. He thinks he's doing you a favour by seeing you once a week and you need much more effort than that.