He always cancels but for ‘ good reasons’

[Letdownsgain]

Hi so me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, initially it was long distance and he moved closer to me. Next town over so still a train journey away.

We usually see each other just once a week. He usually has two days off and will come over when he finishes work then stay the night. Sometimes he will stay another night and go to work from here but it’s very expensive and he’s quite short on money right now.

Anyway, there has been times when he was supposed to come over and spend time and he just couldn’t. For example he went out the night he was supposed to do things at home which needed to be done, which meant he didn’t come over the next day. Which meant 2 weeks without seeing each other as he went to see family.

Now he’s had a few days off work and he told me how much he missed me and will spend these days with me. I was looking forward to this time, got all our favourite food in and he’s just told me he has job interviews on two of the three days he was supposed to come here. He then said he would stay Friday night after they’re all finished and spend the day Saturday. Now he’s dropped the bomb that he might not be able to stay as his family member is driving to his hometown and he misses his family.

These are all valid reasons and when I’ve brought it up before he tries to make out like I’m begrudging him time alone, or with his family or even having fun. I’m not I just don’t feel like I’m very important. I’ve expressed this to him and he just says he finds it hard to juggle everything.

I’m feeling really sad now, because I would make the time to see him. When I tell him he must just not be interested he doesn’t exactly reassure me. I don’t know how to bring this up without looking selfish. But it’s true isn’t it, he’s just not that into me. And I am so bored of having a texting relationship. I’ve stopped even making conversation

But a lot of time it comes down to choices, a family member is going away for a while so he wants to see them before he goes. It’s not something I can really say well what about me?

But this shouldn’t involve a choice. If he believed your relationship was going somewhere he would want you to meet the family member.

So basically he comes around at his convenience for sex and a little company.
As soon as he finds someone else he will drop you like a stone Op.

My ex did a similar thing, always cancelled last minute saying he was ill or needed to sort something the house. Texting always stayed consistent and he always made out I was unreasonable or not understanding.
The whole thing really effected me mentally, and in the end I had to walk away for my own good. It wasn’t the relationship I wanted and it sounds like you are the same? Don’t waste time being unhappy, OP, you deserve to be a priority.

@Letdownsgain

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I don’t go to his as he has a roommate and it’s not very comfortable staying there. I do get it could be tedious always coming to mine but he’s the one who always suggests “ I’ll come to yours?” Etc. The interviews I can understand that he needs time to prepare etc and hopefully it will put him in a better financial position.

But a lot of time it comes down to choices, a family member is going away for a while so he wants to see them before he goes. It’s not something I can really say well what about me? But if means ANOTHER week of not seeing each other and it’s not working for me. I want to ask him straight out how exactly do you feel about me? But his actions do tell me pretty much all I need to know.

When we last argued about this he said he chooses me, he’s tried so hard for me then I feel ungrateful for not really seeing it. Maybe we do just have different expectations but constantly flashing in my head is how bored I am

You’re misunderstanding me, OP — I don’t in the least mean it was ‘tedious’ for him always going to your house, I mean that it seems very convenient for a man who doesn’t like putting himself out, or who sees you as a once a week slot. He gets fed and watered, spends the night and trots off back to his life for another week.

Why don’t you ever do anything free or cheap elsewhere? Why is it so expensive for him to travel from one town over that it prevents you from seeing one another more than once a week?

Also, it seems odd, uninvolved behaviour (and a strange choice of location) from someone whom you say moved to be closer to you after starting your relationship long distance?

I mean, if you uprooted your life specifically to live closer to your significant other, would you then only see them weekly, as if you were still long-distance? Would you choose to live at a distance that still requires a train ride that is too expensive for you?

he’s tried so hard for me
How?

constantly flashing in my head is how bored I am
There we have it! you're bored of being a convenience and a sex B&B as another poster called it!

Relationships are supposed to be fun, not you being occasionally fitted in for an overnight at yours.

Let it go now. He probably won't even notice for a while.

I think you know deep down he is using you at his conveinience .So many men seem to have this "I am great(youre really not!) and you are soo lucky I can " squeeze you in ,when nothing better comes up"(Youre really not that lucky!)I would bin him off I think .You are not NO 1 and after a year its not unreasonable to expect to come first !

This is weird OP. You are not happy, why wouldnt you just dump him?

I notice he has money for an impromptu night out but not for dates with you.
And puts seeing below doing housework on his list of priorities.
Seems like he's doing just the bare minimum to keep you around, and you have your place in his schedule but can be dropped if something else comes up.
Just dump him, and stick to it or he'll probably try and wheedle his way back.

I hate to say this OP but it’s either that he thinks you are great but just as an occasional add on to his life OR I’ve never met a guy who if money was tight objected to his partner paying to go out unless it’s that they were conscious of bumping into other women he has had on the go— hence he wants to come to yours instead— I’m sorry but it’s one of these two. Whenever I’ve met a guy who wanted proper relationships they have totally found the time , in fact more so than me!

I have another perspective and actually don't think the guy is unreasonable for having other things (family, job interviews) in his life, but that's because I'm in a place in my life where I wouldn't want to be asked to commit every weekend to a partner. I work FT, have a kid, volunteer commitments, extended family I love very much and barely saw during the pandemic, and a time-consuming creative hobby. That doesn't mean I can't feel love and devotion to my partner, I just am not available every single weekend because other parts of my life are important too.

That said:

1. you clearly want something different, and that's totally OK. If this guy can't provide what you want, it's fine to split and find someone who is on the same page as you.

2. it's inconsiderate of your partner to cancel on you on such short notice. It's possible it couldn't be helped with the job interviews (I've never had an interview in this country where I could pick the day--presumably he didn't have a choice on this, and a better job hopefully means he can afford that expensive train journey more often?), but seems like family get-togethers could be planned more in advance so you aren't left feeling taken for granted.

It's possible that something havey-cavey is going on, or it's possible the two of you are just not in the same place regarding how much time you expect to spend with your partner. I'm sorry it's not worked out well and hope you find someone more compatible soon.

That doesn't mean I can't feel love and devotion to my partner, I just am not available every single weekend because other parts of my life are important too.

But that would be a very compartmentalised relationship. It clearly suits some people, but long term most people imagine that their partner would be involved in most parts of their life.

Well, what "most people" want isn't really relevant, what's relevant is what the OP and her partner want. And it sounds like the OP definitely wants a relationship in which they spend more time together, while her partner doesn't appear to be bothered, unfortunately.

OP. I don't know about all this behave like a bitch stuff, but I do agree that you need to have healthier boundaries around your own time. And I also think some men are not able to understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of certain behaviour until they experience it themselves.

If I were you I'd get very busy for a few weeks, for several reasons -
first because you deserve a fulfilling life that doesn't ever involve hanging around for him
second because there's SO much more to life than just romance. Get passionate about other stuff too. Pursue health and fitness goals, a good social life, volunteering, retraining to boost your career etc: prioritise yourself in all these areas
third because people are generally more attractive when they have busy active independent lives
fourth because turning him down and being busy will show him what it's like to be at a loose end and longing to see you.

Build up your life so it is really vibrant and fulfilling with or without him. Make fun, interesting and exciting plans and don;t ever cancel them for him. If he wants to see you he needs to join the queue.

That's not being a bitch. That's having a life.

@leavesthataregreen

OP. I don't know about all this behave like a bitch stuff, but I do agree that you need to have healthier boundaries around your own time. And I also think some men are not able to understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of certain behaviour until they experience it themselves.

If I were you I'd get very busy for a few weeks, for several reasons -
first because you deserve a fulfilling life that doesn't ever involve hanging around for him
second because there's SO much more to life than just romance. Get passionate about other stuff too. Pursue health and fitness goals, a good social life, volunteering, retraining to boost your career etc: prioritise yourself in all these areas
third because people are generally more attractive when they have busy active independent lives
fourth because turning him down and being busy will show him what it's like to be at a loose end and longing to see you.

Build up your life so it is really vibrant and fulfilling with or without him. Make fun, interesting and exciting plans and don;t ever cancel them for him. If he wants to see you he needs to join the queue.

That's not being a bitch. That's having a life.

Again, may I remind that the book is tongue in cheek and encourages all of these things…

WMLB is not ‘treat them mean keep them keen’ - it’s about prioritising you and only investing yourself in people who prioritise you too.

It gets a bad rep because it’s true. Men hate that it’s true and doormats who drop everything for shit men and give sticker charts to their husbands for putting his socks in wash absolutely despise that some women reject the narrative of ‘no man is better than a shit one’

I recommend everyone reads it.

@Suprima - are there seriously women in the world who give sticker charts to husbands for putting socks in the wash?

OP you need to especially read it

anyone who is saying it’s PUA stuff is very mistaken

Actually comparing it to the PUA scene is extremely offensive. The PUA cesspit of the internet and ‘game’ requires on negging, triangulating and demoralising women in order to make them sleep with you. It’s predatory and emotionally abusive

WMLB allows you to assert your boundaries and be confident in what YOU want whilst encouraging you to live a full social life and bettering yourself. The best thing though, it that a confident, secure boundaried woman is unattractive to men who wants to abuse her and take advantage of her, so it weeds them out. It doesn’t let them in.

No reader of WMLB is going to end up as a sex b&b or giving a grown ass bloke a sticker chart.

[quote leavesthataregreen]@Suprima - are there seriously women in the world who give sticker charts to husbands for putting socks in the wash?[/quote]
Absolutely

I saw this on one of my fitness groups earlier which is why it was in my head

+56 likes and cries of MEN WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?!

couldn’t be me

But if means ANOTHER week of not seeing each other and it’s not working for me

You said it here, it's not working for YOU.
It doesn't matter if other mumsnetters think he is spending enough time with you or he isn't. The fact is it does not work for you.

I made a mistake with an ex on this issue and it caused me to waste 5 years of my life.
Basically, the time he is offering you - coming over once a week for a meal and shag sleepover, sometimes even less than that when other things come up - is all the time he is prepared to offer you.
If you want to be with someone more often than that, then that is not him and you should move on to find someone who does want to spend time with you.

Unless you're just using him for sex once in a while, get rid of him. Sounds like you're ready for something more serious

Aside from him only bothering to see you when he has nothing better to do, he sounds like a boring, insipid loser anyway and I'm not sure why you fancy him.

As @Suprima said the whole point of "Why Men Love Bitches" is that you ARE NOT IN FACT BEING A BITCH!

ITs just that women who are strong, independent and have strong boundaries that they will not allow to be trampled on, can be described as bitches by men who dont like it and women who buy into the "nice girls get the nice guys" narrative.

The truth is that strong women are far more attractive to decent men because they understand that they are equals. They will use a doormat for sex, cleaning, cooking, an easy life but what they want is the strong woman who can and will say "Thanks but no thanks" if they (the men) dont keep up their half of the deal.

Asides about books etc aside.

I think everyone on the thread has said ditch him.

We are all right.

You only see him a couple of times a week. It's been a year. If you were into each other it would have over the year become more. Because that's what happens when 2 people like each other fancy each other etc. They generally want to spend more time together.

You are arguing over him ditching his time with you to see family. That's fine! Things come up. BUT. Being together it would be just totally standard to say. shit sorry I've got to do X then can you do other time Y. Because he wants to see you!

You arguing and second guessing is no good.

You totally deserve better. This weekly set days or nothing nonsense is not anywhere near enough for you to be spending time thinking and wondering.

From me to the bitch book fans and everyone in between.

Just chuck him. He's treating you badly. It's not going anywhere. Honestly. Please.

Back to the bitch book!

I'm finding this really interesting and have read the comments.

If a woman is really insecure she needs more than a book though I think?

And IME of friends and acquaintances in unequal relationships they have all started equal and the shit seems to kick in with first baby. When all the previous equal partnership seems to suddenly subside into tbh usually both sexes. Adoption of 'traditional' roles. And that's another topic.

I haven't read the book obv but what I'm not keen on is-

An assumption that men are like this and women are like that
An idea that a woman who for whatever reason does not have good confidence/ boundaries/ self esteem can be 'fixed' by a book
And furthermore that the book from what's been said is about men/ dating etc rather than just her being happier
I totally disagree that most people are pricks
And I know that loads of blokes are insecure/ not interested in playing the field etc/ kind/ etc etc.

They're the same as us. (Yes ok there's an entitlement difference across the board but that's one for the feminism section!).

Also there's what you want and who likes that.

I'm confident and apparently a bit scary and my long term boyfriends have been gentle kind not super opinionated etc. In essence I am the dominant one I suppose.

My friend loves games and does all sorts of stuff about contacting when and how and leaving them dangling etc. She likes men who are v good looking dominant etc even more than she is (she's terrifying and really gorgeous).

That's what she likes. I would hate those men and hate games.

In the end. Everyone has a personality and a type they get on with. And dynamics can be very different.

In the end men who you feel comfy with and you like and make you laugh. And don't fuck around but if they like you want to see you. I mean that's easy right?

Surely that's good. Unless you like games and then different thing entirely.