Changing relationships after weight loss

[Aldiyoohoo]

I've only lost 1 stone.
The ladies in DHs family are mostly larger than me, but since losing a stone, they have changed the way they speak to and treat me.
I've started wearing tighter fitting clothes as I feel more confident- just fitted t-shirts and shorts really in a more feminine cut. I'm still a size 14, so hardly like I've been hasty and still, I'm over weight and could lose more. But I'm being labelled as "so skinny" by the women in DHs family, they keep looking me up and down, commenting on my clothes. One said I looked like I was dressed for a night out when I wore a fitted top and shorts on a hot day.
DHs sister has become quite difficult and has made the most comments, she isn't being friendly anymore and

Posted too soon...
Asks what diet I've been following when I see her. I haven't been dieting, I've just found other interests that don't centre around food. I keep repeating this.
MIL keeps looking me up and down suspiciously and not one of them has said I look good, just comments around being "skinny" and "weight loss" and "dieting." SIL said I'm dressing "like I'm young."

They're definitely being less warm towards me and I suspect there has been talking behind my back. I do look different and my style has changed but I'm still me.

Has anyone experienced this sort of judgey behaviour after losing weight?

When you do something to improve yourself, it shines a light on other people and their own failings and insecurities. It's easier for them to put you down than congratulate you, as it makes them feel less shit about themselves. If you can lose weight, why can't they?

My PT likens it to a bucket full of crabs... bear with me..! If one of the crabs starts to clamber out, the others will grab it and pull it back down.

The simple answer is... don't surround yourself with crabs! Easier said than done when it is family members but the attitude of those around you has a huge impact on your self-confidence. Hang out with people who lift you up, not drag you down.

When I lost weight and a colleague cruelly asked me if I was anorexic, I laughed loudly and said "I'm not skinny, I'm strong, there's a big difference. And your negativity won't make me any less proud of what I've achieved!"

It’s definitely a thing. People don’t like change. They especially don’t like change that makes them feel bad about themselves - though that’s no reflection on you!

What’s DH said? Has he been supportive? Is he noticing the bitchy comments?

Mine wasn't weight loss but, when inwas pregnant withy first child, I weighed 8st 3.y partner's family were all bigger than me - his sister was an 18 and his mum was 24 when we met.

His sister put on 3 stone when she was pregnant. I didn't put on any extra weight - I weighed 8st at both my 6 week ante natal and 6 week post natal.check up. It wasn't deliberate, I was just very ill with pregnancy sickness and couldn't keep anything down.

They spent whole.pregnancy telling me I was being selfish for not putting weight on, told me I'd be a shit mother because I was more concerned with watching weight and my figure than nourishing my baby, that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, that my baby would die before it was born. The lot.

Some women are just really touchy about weight.

I had this with a group of my best friends. They tried to be happy for me but the digs came through, and they really hurt. My best friend especially started to become really competitive with me, it felt weird because I felt that they had changed, not me.

Years later, things are much better with them. But initially, they'll be feeling insecure. It's not your problem, carry on doing your thing and well done on the weight loss!

Holy shit GreyCarpet, tell me you no longer see them? I’ve never heard anything that horrible.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Holy shit GreyCarpet, tell me you no longer see them? I’ve never heard anything that horrible.

We actually split up a couple if weeks before the baby was born and we've had no contact since. Baby is now 22.

I had this when I lost a significant amount of weight years ago, it was a combination of my friends at the time being used to me being the sad fat loser of the group and that I became a bit obsessed and boring with it, so it was more a more prominent thing than it should have been.
I have just lost three stone, still fat but wearing nicer clothes, and have only mentioned it to two people-honestly people are treating me exactly the same as they always do. The odd person might ask if I have lost weight and I just go ‘oh do you think’ and change the subject. They will get used to it eventually, and just think how sad they must feel inside if you losing weight has made them react so meanly.

I agree with those who say that it is making them feel uncomfortable and is way more about them than you . It sucks
Incidentally , plenty of thinner people do the same to someone when they gain too , making shitty comments and talking behind their back
Unfortunately we live in a world where a lot of people are completely consumed with appearance rather than treating one another as equals and with kindness

Yep its definitely a thing. I've noticed it both ways; people who used to be lovely to me suddenly went cold on me and made cutting remarks after I had lost weight.

And conversely people who had always been very aloof and standoffish with me suddenly starting talking to me and inviting me to things....presumably i'm now considered worthy of inclusion!

I started doing the school run at a new school this year and have been to a couple of coffees with the other mums. There is one mum in the group who is morbidly obese (as I used to be) and I have heard some shockingly judgemental and cruel remarks about her behind her back. No-one in this group knows I used to be obese, but I'm quietly getting a good picture of who is worth a damn and who isn't from their treatment of this other mum.

People like to put you into a box with a label on it !

When I had bariatric surgery and lost a large amount of weight, suddenly at work I became " one of the cool crowd", much more acceptable to the thin people than I'd been before . I was horrified at the way that those people talked about larger colleagues ! Obviously , when I'd been one of those larger people, they'd been too polite to talk so rudely in front of me , but once I was thin it was OK for them to speak like that !

Some people are just assholes. I dont have time for the 'isome people get insecure' chat. The fact is, decent people lift other people up, even when they are insecure about themselves. Seeing someone lose weight might make me feel insecure if I'm not comfortable in my own body but I'd like to think I'd have the basic decency to not be a cow about it. I'd reduce fonractveith these women. No, infact, I'd call them out on their shitty behaviour, THEN I'd reduce contact with them.

Its definitely a thing and ime having gone from slim to big and back to slim again, it always those who dont like their size/weight (big or small) who had been most critical.

You losing weight is shining a very bright light on the fact that it can be done and stamps on whatever excuses they are making to themselves.

Sod them.

Btw, my style changed a lot when I lost the weight for the same reason, I had more confidence. And that confidence shows, so that is also part of it.

Some good responses and explanations. Thanks all.
I wouldn't mind if my weight had been mentioned just once but it's every time I see SIL. And the way she looks at me. Up and down. It's really uncomfortable.
I've consciously tried not to focus too much on my appearance as it's easy to become consumed by how much weight you're losing etc. I just go with the flow, do a bit of running and eat healthier meals, that's it. So it bothers me when so much spotlight is given to how much weight I've lost. My own family might make a comment and then move on again. DH has put a lot of weight on, so I wonder if they're offended almost that I'm bettering myself and they're assuming that I might leave or cheat on him.

I'd say there may be a bit of jealousy going on here ... well done on the weight loss
I wish I had this problem 🤭

It is a thing sadly. I've lost some much needed weight (still more to go) and whilst I've had some lovely comments, I find a lot of friends are silent or unsupportive. I find I have to justify my weight loss with things like 'I'm doing it to get fit' or 'I'm going to the gym to get strong'. Being honest and saying I'm just wanting to lose weight isn't something I'd be 'allowed' to say.

I am very careful about posting anything even remotely related to how proud I am of my weight loss because I know it would be ignored or alienate me. Which I hate because it's hard work and I'm immensely proud of myself.

Not saying for one minute this is what you are doing but the story reminded me of a few years ago a work colleague lost lots of weight - went from maybe 15 stone down to 9 - so - significant ! And she looked great !
However , she spent every lunch or coffee break examining all of our food or snack and condescendingly would say " I can't believe your eating that " " do you know how unhealthy that is ? " etc .. it got pretty annoying so we all quite glad about 2 years later when she'd put it all back on

There is so much talk of weight by us all isn't there? That is so sad. When a friend loses weight I am happy for them and find it inspirational. I yo yo myself all the time- a stone heavier or lighter.

I have friends who comment message and comment about weight gain from people we know. I change the subject as I wouldnt want people talking about me behind my back and also I don't understand the point.

* Asks what diet I've been following when I see her. I haven't been dieting, I've just found other interests that don't centre around food. I keep repeating this.*

^your reply back to them sounds judgemental

I've found this with some family members. They seem obsessed with discussing weight. Gains and losses.

I lost a couple of stone about 2 years ago and it was a hot topic. Not bad things, in fact they were being complimentary but my weight is just not something I want raised/discussed at every meeting. I eventually got fed up and just shut down the conversation every time. They seem to have got the message.

Congrats on your weight loss!

People can be so strange. Next time one of them says something, I'd nip it in the bud. 'please stop being so negative about my weight loss. I wanted to lose some weight, I'm doing it slowly and in a healthy way. You're being really rude about it, and I don't like it. Please stop discussing it.'

Agree with others, it’s probably making them feel insecure and jealous.

Some people also have strange ideas about weight and see overweight as healthy. My DH has lost a lot of weight, almost 4 stone, and is now a healthy BMI, but very overweight MIL keeps saying he must be unwell and needs to put the weight back on. I can’t tell if she genuinely believes this or just doesn’t want other people losing weight when she can’t.

@drpet49

* Asks what diet I've been following when I see her. I haven't been dieting, I've just found other interests that don't centre around food. I keep repeating this.*

^your reply back to them sounds judgemental

It sounds to me like she is just trying to deflect the question.

What is she supposed to say? They've asked a question, she has to give them an answer.

Although, I think part of the problem, OP, is that they do feel a judgement of sorts. When you are all fat together, it is a comfort. Women (because it's invariably women) comfort themselves that weight loss is hard, impossible maybe; that it's not necessary - you're all fabulous as you are - and you losing weight is holding a mirror up to them that makes them feel guilty for not doing the same.

Despite the 8st 3 of my 20s, a bad marriage and health problems in my family saw me put on 3 stone over future years. I'm mid 40s and have a group of mid 40s friends all of whom were probably around 3 stone overweight. One of them decided to lose weight a couple of years ago. She said nothing about it. We noticed and commented and each one of us thought, "If she can do it, there's no excuse for me!" We all got on board with it and each of us went on to lose between 1.5 and 3 stone all the while supporting and encouraging each other. Your friends and family could have been motivated by your efforts or at least benefit supportive of you but, instead, are trying to bring you down.

Being honest and saying I'm just wanting to lose weight isn't something I'd be 'allowed' to say.

This is so true isn't it? Fat and fabulous. If you lose weight you're admitting that fat might not be so fabulous after all.

Congratulations on your weight loss, OP.

Well done on your weight loss OP.

I've lost weight many years ago and got called a bitch for it. Albeit from an acquaintance I doubt I'll ever see again.

I regained lost weight and am now back in a losing phase. I've collected a new diet and I'm back into the exercise. I don't care how many attempts it takes to do this. Never give up.

I've heard of people being dropped by good friends just because they have lost weight and are bewildered as to why their phone calls don't get returned. They are still the same person.

I don't think they realised the friendship was conditional on them being fat/significantly overweight. Maybe they were a marker somehow i.e. I'm not as fat as her. Do people have a fat friend just because they are fat ? Fat friend loses weight and creates a vacancy maybe ?

Sometimes you find out who your friends are when something goes wrong. Sometimes, believe it or not, you find out who your friends are when something goes right, or you have some success.

I once worked with someone who lost a significant amount of weight. I asked her on the quiet who acknowledges her now that used to look right through her. She named the office snob. I couldn't help but think, 'thought so.'

As a PP upthread remarked since losing weight she's in with the cool people now, at their invitation. Now her weight loss has qualified her as good enough for them.

Weight loss, unfortunately, is in the public domain i.e. Slimmer of the Year, diets and weight loss methods being advertised, t.v. shows regarding weight loss etc.

Therefore people think it's ok to talk to someone who has successfully and safely lost weight and they'll be only to glad to talk about it.

Success of any sort can give the person confidence. I suspect that's what other people really envy. Oh, and the fact you did not seek the permission of others before you lost weight.

I believe it happens to people who successfully give up smoking i.e. they get dropped by their friends who still smoke or struggle to give up. I understand people who give illicit drugs the swerve get ditched by their former drug taking friends. I guess they are no longer, 'one of us.'

My reply @drpet49 is "I haven't been dieting."

What is judgemental about this?