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Original poster

Changing relationships after weight loss

57 replies

Aldiyoohoo · 15/09/2021 22:28

I've only lost 1 stone.
The ladies in DHs family are mostly larger than me, but since losing a stone, they have changed the way they speak to and treat me.
I've started wearing tighter fitting clothes as I feel more confident- just fitted t-shirts and shorts really in a more feminine cut. I'm still a size 14, so hardly like I've been hasty and still, I'm over weight and could lose more. But I'm being labelled as "so skinny" by the women in DHs family, they keep looking me up and down, commenting on my clothes. One said I looked like I was dressed for a night out when I wore a fitted top and shorts on a hot day.
DHs sister has become quite difficult and has made the most comments, she isn't being friendly anymore and

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/09/2021 09:51

but since losing a stone, they have changed the way they speak to and treat me.

They might be wondering what's really going on. They see your weight loss and your husband's weight gain and think, 'oh yeah, what's this all about ? Going out on the pull are we ?' Leaving poor DH at home crying into his beer / takeaway ?'

I guess that's also what the dig regarding OP's clothing choice was on a hot day.

Some people seem to think others only lose weight for the attention or glory or they've done it to impress someone they fancy or they've got their eye on someone else's partner. Or just to annoy someone by giving them something to envy. Pathetic, really. It's just more judgement. You're seeing them in their true colours, sorry.

Original poster
Aldiyoohoo · 16/09/2021 09:51

"If you lose weight you're admitting that fat might not be so fabulous after all."

This is spot on.

Infact, as one poster mentioned upthread, I do think MIL has become concerned that I'm underfeeding her obese son, as she recently sent him an individual pie out of the blue for his dinner. He hadn't asked for the pie and actually opted for one of my healthier meals instead.

I think there is definitely an expectation of "we're all fat together" and I appear to be breaking a family code.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 16/09/2021 10:00

I’m getting a strong whiff of jealousy. Why would you wear shorts and a top on a warm day?! Well done on the weight loss

ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/09/2021 10:01

I think there is definitely an expectation of "we're all fat together" and I appear to be breaking a family code.

Yes, I'm overweight. So is my family. When I've lost weight, I didn't get any judgement from friends or family so I really sympathise with OP.

It's no surprise that my friends are all overweight, like me. Except one. She ended up having gastric surgery and lost a lot of weight which she's kept off. Good on her. I'm one of the few people who know.

I think she looks great, but then, I always did.

Buildingthefuture · 16/09/2021 10:03

Meh….I had a friend who used to do this….if I lost weight, tell me I looked so much better bigger (it was 10lbs so hardly life changing) and that it made me look so much older (it didn’t!) ….but I knew it was all about her…..she was 20 years older than me and obsessive about ageing. When I thought about it, I realised that she never had anything nice to say and was actually quite an insecure, unhappy person. Sadly that manifested itself in her being a total bitch, so she is no longer my friend. Life is too short!!!

Crystalvas · 16/09/2021 10:31

Their jealous of your weight loss. As these comments are obcessive and upsettig you your DH should stand up for you and tell them to shut their faces!

Crystalvas · 16/09/2021 10:32

Well done on your weight loss by the way.

Original poster
Aldiyoohoo · 16/09/2021 10:56

You sound amazing @toffeenotcoffee

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 16/09/2021 11:05

Don't let it put you off.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/09/2021 11:13

@Aldiyoohoo

Thanks. You're amazing too.

Pinkbonbon · 16/09/2021 12:02

Definately pay attention to those vibes. Usually you're getting ones that make you feel unconfortable from someone, you're dealing with a toxic person. Or at the very least, someone who does not want good things for you. It's your instincts telling you you are in some sort of danger. I wouldn't spend any more time around people like that.

Original poster
Aldiyoohoo · 16/09/2021 13:11

They definitely don't want good things for me. The happier and more productive I make myself, the weirder our relationships and their behaviour has become.

OP posts:
ShortColdandGrey · 16/09/2021 13:28

My MIL is like this. My DH's family are mostly over weight and when my SIL went on a diet and exercise kick she was told she was over doing it and looked unhealthy. She looked fab and I told her so. Then she got pregnant and did put the weight back on. Now MIL tells her so is far to fat and needs to diet. My DH was constantly told he was underweight and now he has a bit of weight on him gets told he is fat. If my FIL loses any weight she tells him he has chicken legs. I am keeping a close watch on her with regards to my DD. She will not be mentioning anything about her body. I see the damage she has done to her own family, and she will not be doing the same to her. I would never comment on somebody's weight it is so rude and hurtful whether they are slim or otherwise.

Justilou1 · 16/09/2021 14:05

My mum was anorexic. She shoved that onto me all my life. She’d cook a pot of spaghtetti bol sauce (boil the meat after you fry it, to was the fat and flavour out) and we’d have to eat it for two weeks at a time. A constant stream of “You don’t want that, do you?” - when I damn well did want it, and “Two minutes in the lips is a lifetime on the hips” bullshit. Also the unsolicited comments about how black clothes and tighter, pulled back hairstyles made me look thinner. I was a size six, ffs. Of course I ended up on medication that made me balloon in my mid 30’s and I put on my entire body weight again. She LOVED that! Ironically, she was put on the same meds when she was dying and ate like a pelican and she died with more meat on her bones and looking healthier than she had been in years despite the cancer. The dress she wanted to be buried in wouldn’t zip up at the back. The funeral guy didn’t find it funny like my DH and I did. Meanwhile, I lost all my weight. Approx 65kgs (about 10 stone) I am now back to my previous size, and I stick to my diet because it works for me. I did get a moment of gratification when my DH was on a FaceTime call to his mum the other day. We haven’t spoken for about five years (very good reasons) and she was obviously unaware of the weightloss. She thought I was my daughter! 😆

middlingmess · 16/09/2021 14:53

@drpet49

* Asks what diet I've been following when I see her. I haven't been dieting, I've just found other interests that don't centre around food. I keep repeating this.*

^your reply back to them sounds judgemental

I do agree, I would throw them a bone and say it's been really hard work, some days you could eat one of your own legs you are so hungry...etc...etc... make fun of yourself, say you needed to lose weight because your knees were hurt my and the Dr told you too, be proud of what you have achieved privately or with your friends.

(I'm only saying the above because you are stuck with these people in your life so it's best to pour oil over troubled waters - I think they are arseholes, but they are your arseholes!)

Congrats on your loss! I'm aiming to lose my lockdown stone and I can't wait to wear all my smaller jeans etc, it's a wonderful feeling!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/09/2021 16:25

@drpet49

* Asks what diet I've been following when I see her. I haven't been dieting, I've just found other interests that don't centre around food. I keep repeating this.*

^your reply back to them sounds judgemental

No it doesn't IMO. It's an honest answer. She's been asked a question and given an honest answer. If she said 'just eating less' or 'eating healthier' would that be judgemental / have an implied subtext that she judges them? Again, not to me.

How would you suggest she answers that question - lie and say yeah I'm doing WW / keto / another 'acceptable' reason?

layladomino · 16/09/2021 16:42

I lost a load of weight a long time ago, and also found myself explaining to some people, in an almost embarased way, why.

Most people would say nothing, or say 'you're looking good' and I would thank them for the compliment.

But a few would either find a way to pull me down 'don't you think you've lost too much, you look ill?' or challenge me in a disapproving way along the lines of 'You must be starving yourself / you must be always tired / I would much rather be overweight and happy'.

Hence feeling like I had to explain myself and that I wasn't just being vain or focussed on being thin. 'I'm just trying to get fitter / I don't count calories, just eat more healthily / I'm not getting any younger, thought now's the time to make an effort. I'm sure it won't last....'

However, I was happy, and I saw their rudeness for what it was. Let's face it, they were well within their rights to prefer me rounder, but why on earth would they think it was OK to say it out loud? So they were saying it with the intention of offending me. I stopped listening to those people.

GreyCarpet · 16/09/2021 19:31

I would much rather be overweight and happy

Than what? Healthier, fitter and happy?

Revealed a fair bit about how they really feel in that comment methinks.

I hate how weight is so value laden - and these responses - all of them, good and bad, show just how much worth society attributes to a person by their weight.

I can't say I've ever treated anyone differently because they've gained or lost weight. They're either a decent person who I like or they're not.

Dullardmullard · 16/09/2021 19:52

I’ve lost weight to but I went low carb as I’m Type 2 diabetic and it was for that not weight loss as that’s a bonus.

I deflect with low carb or diabetes as that seems to stop any further questions bar the odd family member saying do you have an eating disorder, your too skinny. Etc they get told to not be so stupid very bluntly.

Good on you for losing it with healthier choices

EarthSight · 16/09/2021 20:19

@PinotPony

When you do something to improve yourself, it shines a light on other people and their own failings and insecurities. It's easier for them to put you down than congratulate you, as it makes them feel less shit about themselves. If you can lose weight, why can't they?

My PT likens it to a bucket full of crabs... bear with me..! If one of the crabs starts to clamber out, the others will grab it and pull it back down.

The simple answer is... don't surround yourself with crabs! Easier said than done when it is family members but the attitude of those around you has a huge impact on your self-confidence. Hang out with people who lift you up, not drag you down.

When I lost weight and a colleague cruelly asked me if I was anorexic, I laughed loudly and said "I'm not skinny, I'm strong, there's a big difference. And your negativity won't make me any less proud of what I've achieved!"

This
EarthSight · 16/09/2021 20:20

Also, go on the NHS website and look for the BMI tool. As long as you're within healthy range, those idiots can shush.

Original poster
Aldiyoohoo · 16/09/2021 20:55

Ironically, I'm not in the healthy range- I'm the higher end of overweight @earthsight!

OP posts:
likearoomwithoutaroof · 16/09/2021 21:46

@Aldiyoohoo

Ironically, I'm not in the healthy range- I'm the higher end of overweight *@earthsight*!
I had this last year. I lost 4 stone of baby biscuit weight.

Comments included 'ooh you've gone a bit far you're looking a bit scrawny and skinny' which was nice.

I'm still a stone overweight! I wear a 34H bra. I am the definition of not scrawny! I'm much much slimmer than I was but fucking scrawny, really?!

I'd be rude I'm afraid, and tell them to shut up (which I did).

Stellaris22 · 16/09/2021 21:51

I personally wouldn't use BMI as an indicator of being a healthy weight. It's a tool that isn't ideal at the individual level as it doesn't reflect things like muscle mass.

EarthSight · 16/09/2021 21:59

@Aldiyoohoo

Ironically, I'm not in the healthy range- I'm the higher end of overweight *@earthsight*!
I suspected you might be....which is why they need to grow up!

Your joints will really thank you in the next decades. Every pound you gain is something like an extra 3 pounds of pressure on each knee. Look it up .