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Original poster

Secret emails to his ex

56 replies

Adviceneed9 · 15/09/2021 14:49

For context, my partner and I have been together for nearly two years, and we have a 4 month old baby.
Last week, I went on our shared ipad to find my dp had left his emails open on safari, I noticed an email from a female’s name that I did not recognise, so being curious I had a look.
It was general chit chat, but my dp had been leaving lots of kisses to sign off the email (I’m talking 8 or 9) This didn’t sit right with me, as it was not a relative I think kisses are inappropriate. The email history said that they had exchanged emails 170 times in the past 18 months, although all had been deleted apart from the one I came across.

I decided to wait to see how it played out, and yesterday my suspicions were realised when I found out the following;

  1. She was an ex from 8 years ago
  2. The content of the emails involved saying things such as missing her, saying they were good together, that could’ve had a life together, will meet up when local again etc etc.
  3. He had not mentioned me or his child once in any of the emails.

So yesterday I confronted him about all this, told him how hurt, upset and humiliated I am that he would do this throughout the whole time we have been together, even the month when I gave birth to his daughter he had remained in contact.

I get “I’m sorry, I did a bad thing” “you need to get over it” “Its not like I went with another woman” “I made a mistake” and conveniently he does not remember what he said in these emails.
I feel like he is invalidating my feelings, trying to brush it off like its not important. In my eyes, one message is a mistake, 170 messages over our entire relationship is more than that. This is an ex from a short lived relationship 8 years ago, who he should’ve moved on from long ago, he does not understand how upset and hurt and how he has broken my trust. He thinks saying sorry is good enough and I should forgive and forget. I’m starting to second guess myself, like I’m the one making a big deal out of nothing, but I feel like our whole relationship has been based on a lie.

I don’t know where to go from here, or how to move on from this. He wants me to act normal and tells me if I’m in a mood with him every day over this he will walk away because he can’t live like that.

I would just like some impartial advice so I can rationalise this in my head.

OP posts:
storminateacupagain · 15/09/2021 14:53

nope
you dont move on from this.
Leave

Marieg1990 · 15/09/2021 14:54

Well yes he has made a mistake but that's what he is saying as he has been caught! He is having an affair, at least emotional at the minimum.

Bottom line is he is looking and when a better offer comes along you will be dumped. I wouldn't wait for that.

Timeforredwine · 15/09/2021 14:56

You dont need to put up with this, hes been caught out and turning it back on you to defend himself so you feel guilty.

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 15/09/2021 14:58

I let him leave. He doesn't care enough about you to even allow you to express your own feelings, let alone already being a lying tosser.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 15/09/2021 15:02

I think you've hit the nail on the head saying the whole relationship seems like a lie. I dont think you can swallow this down and pretend it didn't happen, you know it did. The second guessing yourself and mistrust of him will eat you up. He's telling you that you have to behave in the way that best suits him rather than try to help you get through it. Not contrition for his actions either. And he's likely to carry on anyway. Don't stay, it'll do you so much damage.

NetflixandWineplease · 15/09/2021 15:07

Oh my god. Leave.

Outbutnotoutout · 15/09/2021 15:13

Wow 170 messages

I would email her and tell her all about you and your baby and then dump his arse

LoveAndSunshine · 15/09/2021 15:18

@NetflixandWineplease

Oh my god. Leave.
This. Good luck OP Daffodil
MeAndZig · 15/09/2021 15:21

I would have emailed her to see the exact trail of emails they sent to see exactly what he was saying to her. I’m really sorry that’s not nice to see.

NetflixandWineplease · 15/09/2021 15:35

OP, have our asked the ex what she thinks of all this? I have been in a past experience like yours and always found out MORE talking to other woman. It depends what you want to do.

thefourgp · 15/09/2021 15:39

He’s not genuinely sorry so you know he’ll do it again but he doesn’t really believe he’s done anything wrong. He’s not got enough respect for you to care how this affects your feelings. He’ll say whatever he needs to say to you just to get you to shut up and go along with what he wants for now.

thefourgp · 15/09/2021 15:42

He’s not genuinely sorry so you know he’ll do it again. Maybe with her, maybe with someone else. He doesn’t really believe he’s done anything wrong. He’s not got enough respect for you to care how this affects your feelings. He’ll say whatever he needs to say to shut you up, give him an easy life and get you to go along with what he wants for now.

Ging7878 · 15/09/2021 15:44

What a total scumbag. Ditch him

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2021 15:53

So he basically got caught in an emotional affair and told you to 'get over it' !?! Fuck that shit.

I'd be done op. Because he is a horrible person with absolutely no moral fibre whatsoever.
And that's even worse than the cheating.

I hope you messaged her to tell her all about his bloody sham too!

Women deserve partners who respect them and babies deserve to be brought up I environments where their mothers are happy, not cheated on, loved to, belittled and abused.

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2021 15:53

*lied to

Teacupsandtoast · 15/09/2021 16:14

He's an utter pig. Leave before he has the chance to hurt you any more. It won't get better

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2021 16:19

He’s basically telling you to STFU and if you don’t, he’s threatening to leave. This behaviour, in addition to his fishing expedition with his ex is reason enough to LTB. He doesn’t care about you, shows no genuine remorse and would rather threaten you that admit he’s being a shit.

Leave and don’t look back, this is who he is, a shameless twat.

BrilliantBetty · 15/09/2021 16:37

Ah what's the point, you'll never trust him now.

layladomino · 15/09/2021 16:45

As his 'apology' only came about when you found him out, and was luke warm at best, you can be sure it isn't a genuine apology. Think about it - if you hadn't found those messages he would still be happily having his emotional affair (which is what you've described).

He is unlikely to stop as he clearly isn't genuinely remorseful. You'll never know for sure. But even if he did stop, would you feel the same about him again? Would you properly trust him? Would you be waitinf for it to restart, or for him to chase after another woman.

He is minimising and making you doubt how you feel. It is entirely reasonable that you are hurt and angry. I couldn't trust him again.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 16:50

I can't understand how it said 170 messages if he'd deleted them?

larkstar · 15/09/2021 16:51

I guess you have looked in the bin or deleted folder to find deleted emails have you? If it is empty, it's possible they still exist on the server, e.g. if it is a gmail address login (if you can) to mail.google.com and look to see if the emails still exist - you might learn more but TBH - what he has done may well be naive, stupid, thoughtless but it must feel incredibly disloyal, hurtful and is possibly unforgivable. IMHO there is no excuse for it - he should not be allowed to get away with trying to downplay it in any way - if he can't own up and admit everything, admit to being a naive stupid gullible fantasist (if that's what it was) then I don't think he deserves a place in your life - obviously - it's your choice.

TheAverageUser · 15/09/2021 16:59

He sounds cruel. He did this bad thing and you're not allowed to be hurt or he'll leave you.

I don't know how your relationship is apart from this but I'd consider your options.

Original poster
Adviceneed9 · 15/09/2021 19:07

@NetflixandWineplease

OP, have our asked the ex what she thinks of all this? I have been in a past experience like yours and always found out MORE talking to other woman. It depends what you want to do.
I have sent her an email, had no reply as of yet. Doubt I will get one. It’s harder not knowing the full extent.
OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceneed9 · 15/09/2021 19:08

@HollowTalk

I can't understand how it said 170 messages if he'd deleted them?
It’s a yahoo email account, you can see message history for a contact even if the emails have been deleted.
OP posts:
JordieLass · 15/09/2021 19:47

I couldn’t live like this. The suspicion and resentment would make me miserable & life is too short.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He’s awful.

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