Secret emails to his ex

[Adviceneed9]

For context, my partner and I have been together for nearly two years, and we have a 4 month old baby.
Last week, I went on our shared ipad to find my dp had left his emails open on safari, I noticed an email from a female’s name that I did not recognise, so being curious I had a look.
It was general chit chat, but my dp had been leaving lots of kisses to sign off the email (I’m talking 8 or 9) This didn’t sit right with me, as it was not a relative I think kisses are inappropriate. The email history said that they had exchanged emails 170 times in the past 18 months, although all had been deleted apart from the one I came across.

I decided to wait to see how it played out, and yesterday my suspicions were realised when I found out the following;

1. She was an ex from 8 years ago
2. The content of the emails involved saying things such as missing her, saying they were good together, that could’ve had a life together, will meet up when local again etc etc.
3. He had not mentioned me or his child once in any of the emails.

So yesterday I confronted him about all this, told him how hurt, upset and humiliated I am that he would do this throughout the whole time we have been together, even the month when I gave birth to his daughter he had remained in contact.

I get “I’m sorry, I did a bad thing” “you need to get over it” “Its not like I went with another woman” “I made a mistake” and conveniently he does not remember what he said in these emails.
I feel like he is invalidating my feelings, trying to brush it off like its not important. In my eyes, one message is a mistake, 170 messages over our entire relationship is more than that. This is an ex from a short lived relationship 8 years ago, who he should’ve moved on from long ago, he does not understand how upset and hurt and how he has broken my trust. He thinks saying sorry is good enough and I should forgive and forget. I’m starting to second guess myself, like I’m the one making a big deal out of nothing, but I feel like our whole relationship has been based on a lie.

I don’t know where to go from here, or how to move on from this. He wants me to act normal and tells me if I’m in a mood with him every day over this he will walk away because he can’t live like that.

I would just like some impartial advice so I can rationalise this in my head.

I just don’t know where to go from here. He is acting like it never happened and I should move on and forget. But it’s harder than that. I’m hurting and confused.

He's untrustworthy, a liar and a gaslighter.

You deserve better than that.

LTB

I'd tell him to leave. It would be over as far as I was concerned and fuck his instructions that I needed to "forget it".

He doesn't get to decide what happens. You caught him messaging another woman (repeatedly). He would never get another chance with me. He's wrecked your relationship.

I'm not sure what you are confused about to be honest. He's a prick.

When i found out about my xp i checked his emails and all had been deleted out of his inbox and deleted items HOWEVER i found a load in sent items as he'd not figured they'd not be deleted from there! Worth checking

I suspect if you’d phrased this two or three emails a week between them, so one max two each the responses would be different, it’s the 170 that’s throwing folks.

If you’ve not even been together two years ans already habe a four month old, then you were only together a few months when you fell pregnant, that often fails as the relationship has not had time to fully develop. A baby then adds huge pressure to that.

I guess you can both try to see if it can work, but it looks like not, he’s already looking elsewhere, I’m sorry.

No doubt in his world it was all a bit of ego boosting excitement & 'he didn't really do anything' but there's more than one way to cheat & he definitely did. It's an emotional affair & he's betrayed and hidden you & your child. That's the bit that would kill me I think.

It's up to you where you go from here, we all have different boundaries. But if you chose to stay, you really do need to be able to forgive and forget. You'll know if you're capable of this, or whether you'll end up angry & resentful (I would).

Sorry OP, its horrible that he's put you through this, especially with such a young child

His blaming, minimising and not wanting to discuss the affair is very common. It’s in the script. Take it from someone whose been where you are, his refusing to communicate and give you answers is abuse and it will drive you crazy. Leave him- it’s not worth the mental stress sticking around.

he is a disgusting lying cheating scum bag who will say anything to return to self benefiting status quo ..

He does not deserve you 🌸

It's a total betrayal of you and your new baby! The emails are devious and cruel, and he's an utter bastard for telling you to 'get over it'. I would struggle to trust him ever again!

‘Sorry, get over it’ doesn’t cut it. This is a faithless, disloyal player who is making a mockery of you and your baby daughter. He would go nuclear if you were pursuing an ex with sweet words and kisses, but he feels entitled to do the same. He couldn’t care less about your feelings and boundaries.

If he were remorseful, he would be moving mountains to restore your trust and help you heal. He would empathize with your hurt and he wouldn’t be dictating the timeline of your recovery.

OP, if you stay with this selfish, cheating loser, you will live with constant anxiety and uncertainty, and DD will learn a toxic relationship model. Send him on his way asap.

I don’t think any woman with any self esteem would ‘get over’ this, after all even the most generous interpretation is that he has no respect for you at all.

@timeisnotaline

I don’t think any woman with any self esteem would ‘get over’ this, after all even the most generous interpretation is that he has no respect for you at all.

yip

I think his reaction after being confronted is the worst bit. He honestly sounds like he doesn't care.

‘Sorry, get over it’ would be ok if you were narked at him for forgetting to put the bins out on bin day.
I am sorry - this is an awful situation to be in but I couldn’t carry on in a relationship where this happened. I might not be in a position to leave straightaway with a small baby but I would be mentally shipping out and getting ready to go when I could.

How do you get it see the rest of the emails?

@Adviceneed9

I just don’t know where to go from here. He is acting like it never happened and I should move on and forget. But it’s harder than that. I’m hurting and confused.

As hard as it may be for you, you walk away from this. He hasn't given you 💯 of him as he's given this other girl a part of him for your whole relationship. Good luck OP

The only reason he didn't cheat with this woman is because you read the emails before he had a chance.

He could, and would, have cheated. It's basically the same thing as actually doing it, if you only don't do it because you get caught out.

I was in your position 13 years old had a baby with someone I didn't know very well very quickly he ended up leaving shortly after ds 1s birthday, his whole attitude is wrong if he's talking like that to someone else he doesn't value you and you relationship.

If he was sorry and acknowledged the harm and hurt he's caused, that would be one thing.

But his dismissive attitude and expecting you to act like it was nothing is so disrespectful.

If it was nothing in his eyes, there's no reason he won't do it again and again. And if you'll tolerate that, why not push it further?

Do yourself a favour, and kick him out. Even if you get back together, make him understand this is serious.

I wouldn't stay in this relationship. He has been having an emotional affair with a woman he is still hung up on after 8 years (!) and his response to you finding out is to threaten you that he will leave unless you pretend it never happened. He is not sorry and he has no respect for you or the family unit.

The best way to handle this is to tell him to pack a bag and move out NOW.

No matter how inconvenient. He can get a b and b, sleep on someone's sofa. The more uncomfortable the better.

You can't decide what to do while he is still there. You need space to think.

And if you decide you want to split, he's already moved out.

And if you decide you want to repair the relationship, he will have to woo you from afar.

So, boot him out now, even if you eventually decide to have him back.

Although I don't think your relationship can recover from what he's done tbh and his attitude when caught was appalling.

A mistake MIGHT have been sending one email.

170 spells no mistake.

get rid, you can do much better.

So, he's been trying to warm up his back burner girl?

If you stayed, I'd bet my house that his next move would be to turn the situation around on you:
*You shouldn't have looked ( you'll feel guilty which will muddy the waters)

• You were busy with the baby
• He needs to put that relationship to rest because they ended in some dramatic/special way that left unanswered question. He needed to know he can now commit to you, and hooray, now he knows he can!!!

It will all be BS

@Adviceneed9

I just don’t know where to go from here. He is acting like it never happened and I should move on and forget. But it’s harder than that. I’m hurting and confused.

How are you? Did you get a reply? X

What maskless said. ^

Hope you're ok OP. The shock of finding out the things is really overwhelming.

Sorry this has happened.