Overwhelming Feelings of Jealousy

[7917Kj]

Looking for advice. Bit of background, my husband and I have been together since I was 17 together a total of 19 years married 17. 1 year after we were married and with a 5 month old baby he cheated on me and I found out, we split for a little bit but he eventually convinced me to come back and try again. He has never done anything since to my knowledge but he does lie constantly about other things (money etc) which makes me question what else he lies about and we have had a few fall outs about him having his phone on silent or turning notifications off. Never in those last 16 years have felt truly like my old self my confidence was knocked massively, I doubt myself and my judgement I feel like I am not good enough and need to change, I feel jealous over every interaction he has with another women which is ridiculous I know.

A few weeks back he was chatting to a male work colleague on the phone and said in my earshot, have you met X yet then said she is absolutely stunning. Seemingly innocent passing comment, but for me it’s sent me into some sort on internal meltdown where I am imagining all sorts. He now has a work meeting next week where he is staying over with the team including X and I am seriously struggling not to say something. I know this is my problem but I don’t know how to change the way I feel and quite frankly I am little taken a back by the intensity of how upset I am feeling right now about something that hasn’t happened. I am aware I sound like a maniac here but I really don’t know how to resolve this and make myself feel better or just not care what he’s doing. Do I need to go see someone do you think?

Oh, you poor old stick. It's hard to know from this whether there is anything going on at all between your DH and X, but that's kind of a secondary issue to my mind - what's of real concern to me is that you haven't feel like yourself, you doubt yourself constantly, and feel you are not good enough.

This sounds like chronically low self-esteem. The trouble with chronic low self-esteem is that it leads to chronic anxiety, because you don't trust yourself to be able to deal with any given situation, so you spend all your waking hours in a state of tension (sometimes without being fully conscious of it), expecting something terrible to happen as a result of something you have or haven't done.

This is exhausting, and apart from being a shite way to live, isn't good for your physical health OR your relationship with your children who will be learning from the pattern of interaction they are seeing between you and DH.

I used BetterHealth a while back, you can have discreet counselling online or by message, and it works out a lot cheaper than a normal F2F counsellor. I found them very very effective - more than anyone else I've been to.

Courage, mon brave.

Thank you that’s really helpful I will have a look.

For what’s it’s worth the logical part of my brain says there isn’t anything going on but at the same time I have been burnt so many times on the trust front that it’s hard to be logical. I have to keep reminding myself to rational and not like a jealous nutter. Just sick of feeling like this I guess and thought maybe if I felt better about myself it might solve all or at least some of the issue

Also your description of being in a constant state of waiting for something bad to happen basically sums up my life. I am always thinking the worst and planning for the worst

Have you considered giving up on the marriage?

It's so bad for your MH living with someone you can't trust. I did it for 15 years and when I finally let go of the marriage I was so much happier and regained my strength and was finally able to rebuild self-esteem and confidence.

Maybe you've tried long and hard enough?

I mean, if you need counselling to stay in a relationship, maybe you'd be better out of it.

Just because he finds X stunning doesnt mean she's taken notice of him
Odds are if shes really that beautiful she knows she can do better than a washed up dad who she works with.
Dont make yourself crazy for nothing

I think, in general with jealousy, it's worth accepting that it often isn't 'rational', as you say, but it does stem from something. in this instance, it doesn't necessarily sound rooted in current infidelity, but the historic one, coupled with how he has behaved since.

I recently went through a violation of trust with my partner (not cheating, but sort of complicated...) and we had a great session with a counsellor. She outlined three important things that the person who has violated the trust needs to do:
Be who you say you are being
Be where you say you are
Be doing what you say you are doing

It doesn't sound like your husband really took a lot of time to do these things to rebuild your trust, and so you still feel unstable. He also doesn't sound like he is doing or has done a whole heap to reassure you or make you feel special and secure in your relationship.

While insecurity is often for the insecurely attached person to work on, i'd say in this case, this is really on him - and for you both to work together on. It's not something you can just sort yourself...so much of the insecurity is coming from that early violation of trust that doesn't sound like ever got truly repaired.

Regardless of whether he is or isn't up to anything with X, he has given you good reason not to trust him, so I'd stop viewing this as you being problematic. You're having a healthy emotional response to someone who has cheated on you and consistently lies to you. We're not meant to respond to being treated like that with 'Oh, but I trust him implicitly, regardless...', because that would make us naive idiots.

Listen to what you feel. What is it telling you? 'I don't trust him', 'I don't feel safe, emotionally, with him', 'He would rather lie than prioritise my feelings' are all likely. Once you've listened to what your feelings are saying, because whether they are right or wrong, you have to find a way to live with them. So, even if he was Mr Perfect, and you didn't feel safe with him, you still would have to leave, because it's not good for anybody to be in a situation where they don't feel safe.

This isn't about who is right or wrong. This is about you doing the right things to make sure that you feel right about your life.

Boundaries: tell the person if something they do hurts you, and leave them if they choose to keep doing it, because doing that thing is higher on their priority list than you feeling ok. That's it. You don't have to think about whether you are 'right' to feel hurt, it doesn't matter.

If you've told him it hurts you when he lies, and he carries on, then he has no respect for your feelings. Is that a sustainable relationship, for you?

I dunno the fact he would say this to a male colleague just makes me feel he objectifies women and believes their existence is for his benefit. Especially paired with the fact he has already cheated. It's just such a weird thing to say . He wouldn't say oh have you met Steve yet isn't he handsome

And this right here is why it's always ALWAYS a waste of time trying to salvage anything post cheating. Once trust is gone it's gone and it never, ever comes back whether they do it again or whether they don't. There is no way back after infidelity. No disrespect OP x

I did say exactly the same thing that I would never talk about fancying someone at work to friend or anyone else. He said it’s what blokes do and to stop being irrational

@7917Kj

I did say exactly the same thing that I would never talk about fancying someone at work to friend or anyone else. He said it’s what blokes do and to stop being irrational

Wow.

Is that typical of his responses to your emotional distress?

@Sampafie

Just because he finds X stunning doesnt mean she's taken notice of him Odds are if shes really that beautiful she knows she can do better than a washed up dad who she works with. Dont make yourself crazy for nothing

I know this is very true!!! It means nothing, it was just something I would never say and if I had and it was the other way round he would not have been happy about and he has no reason to think I would act on anything. I guess it just triggered something

Yes he just says I’m being mental or says something like “When do you think I am doing all these things I don’t have time I am either at work or with you” rather than I would never do that. So I come away from that thinking A) this is true so I am being out of order and B) feeling more shit as he’s insinuating he’s not as he doesn’t have the time or opportunity rather than because he wouldn’t. These conversations aren’t all the time btw they are few and far between but as I said I’m almost waiting for something to happen.

He cheated on you and you have spent the rest of your marriage waiting for it to happen again.

He lies about money, he is shifty with his phone and he makes comments about other women in front of you.

He has zero respect for you and your marriage, even if he isn't cheating now, you don't feel secure.

I would move on from him and I bet you feel much happier.

Perhaps he likes you always on the back foot

If I was the woman he was speaking about I would be very unimpressed that male colleagues at a new job were discussing my looks between each other. So depressing and extra depressing how unsurprising it is.

I think most people would think their partner was a prick for talking like that when it didn't need to be said as it has no relevance tbh.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If I was the woman he was speaking about I would be very unimpressed that male colleagues at a new job were discussing my looks between each other. So depressing and extra depressing how unsurprising it is.

I think most people would think their partner was a prick for talking like that when it didn't need to be said as it has no relevance tbh.

Especially if they had already cheated in the past. Men who cheat when their partners have recently given birth are extra vile. What an arsehole.

@7917Kj

Yes he just says I’m being mental or says something like “When do you think I am doing all these things I don’t have time I am either at work or with you” rather than I would never do that. So I come away from that thinking A) this is true so I am being out of order and B) feeling more shit as he’s insinuating he’s not as he doesn’t have the time or opportunity rather than because he wouldn’t. These conversations aren’t all the time btw they are few and far between but as I said I’m almost waiting for something to happen.

You don't trust him, because he's untrustworthy.

• He cheated in the past,
• he lies regularly,
• he is dismissive of you
• and disrespectful about your emotional distress.

The problem isn't you being a jealous freak or something, it's the underlying rot in your marriage cause by his untrustworthiness.

You don't trust him, because he's untrustworthy.

• He cheated in the past,
• he lies regularly,
• he is dismissive of you
• and disrespectful about your emotional distress.

The problem isn't you being a jealous freak or something, it's the underlying rot in your marriage cause by his untrustworthiness.

^^^

Absolutely this!!

Out of respect for my dh I would never talk about another man’s attractiveness with a friend and definitely not a colleague.
I just find it so disrespectful, like you’re oggling and objectifying someone and seeing them in a sexual way. Especially at work , it’s really off.
You can think it in your head but it seems wrong to talk about it.
It would upset me too. With the background of cheating on top - well I would’ve left after he cheated.

He doesn't take your feelings seriously, and your emotional needs are not being met. Far from it - they're being belittled and deflected.

Constantly waiting for the inevitable bad thing to happen is a symptom of your mental and emotional state. It turned out on this occasion to be a passing stupid comment about X. It could equally have been a undisguised ogle of a passerby, or a sexual comment about a celebrity. How you feel now isn't because of X - it's because you can't trust your husband to respect your feelings.

I don't think referring to a work colleague as stunning is innocent or a throwaway comment. I think it's inappropriate (especially considering he has cheated and hurt you in the past)

If he is comfortable speaking like that to his colleague about a women they work with it says a lot about them as people, and the tone set at work.

I wouldn't be comfortable with that side of him, I can understand why you are struggling to trust again, I can relate to your lack of self esteem etc. It's an awful place to be in.

I just wanted to say I don't think you're being too sensitive here. But you need to look after yourself first and your feelings, I'm not sure this marriage is serving you well.

But suggesting you up and leave your life probably quite impractical, but you do need to somehow start to take your power back.

BTW, I meant "passing comment" in the sense that it was a one-off, not that it was casual or innocent.

hes really dismissive of you isnt he. Do you feel loved, supported and cherished by him, or is it all gaslighting and making you doubt your own mind?

I did leave but I was 19 with a very small baby and really wanted to believe it was just a one off mistake and lapse of judgement rather than a behaviour. I think as some people have said part of it is that he feels it was so long ago that it’s not a thing anymore and I need to move on. I don’t think about the incident itself very often and in fact other than remembering the day it came to light I have absolutely no memory of the rest of that year as I think i have blocked it out which is sad as apart from the bad stuff it was my sons first year and was full of loads of amazing milestones. I just have had a guard up since then

If I heard my DP, who I have no reason to believe has ever cheated, talking about a new colleague who he's spending a night away with like that, my alarm bells would be ringing massively.

It's not how men talk about their colleagues. It's entirely unprofessional and disrespectful to you.

You don't feel the way you do because you're jealous or insecure. You feel the way you do because he's a lying, cheating manipulator.