Overwhelming Feelings of Jealousy

[7917Kj]

Looking for advice. Bit of background, my husband and I have been together since I was 17 together a total of 19 years married 17. 1 year after we were married and with a 5 month old baby he cheated on me and I found out, we split for a little bit but he eventually convinced me to come back and try again. He has never done anything since to my knowledge but he does lie constantly about other things (money etc) which makes me question what else he lies about and we have had a few fall outs about him having his phone on silent or turning notifications off. Never in those last 16 years have felt truly like my old self my confidence was knocked massively, I doubt myself and my judgement I feel like I am not good enough and need to change, I feel jealous over every interaction he has with another women which is ridiculous I know.

A few weeks back he was chatting to a male work colleague on the phone and said in my earshot, have you met X yet then said she is absolutely stunning. Seemingly innocent passing comment, but for me it’s sent me into some sort on internal meltdown where I am imagining all sorts. He now has a work meeting next week where he is staying over with the team including X and I am seriously struggling not to say something. I know this is my problem but I don’t know how to change the way I feel and quite frankly I am little taken a back by the intensity of how upset I am feeling right now about something that hasn’t happened. I am aware I sound like a maniac here but I really don’t know how to resolve this and make myself feel better or just not care what he’s doing. Do I need to go see someone do you think?

@7917Kj

I think what I am trying to say is, I am aware and acknowledge that the level of my insecurities and feelings of jealously are in excess of what they should be in relation to what has actually happened in the last 16 years but at the same time I don’t feel like this for no reason I was a perfectly happy, confident person before this so it’s not an inherent trait. I don’t want to be a jealous or controlling person I really don’t. I want to have the level of confidence he has about himself and our relationship where he has said several times he never doubts my feelings for him or feels jealous or worried when I get a lot of attention from other men as he knows I’m not even vaguely interested.

This relationship wouldn't even meet anyones very basic emotional needs.

It doesn’t make you feel safe.

It doesn’t enable you to feel calm.

It doesn’t allow you to feel respected.

It doesn’t allow you to trust what the other says, does or intends.

Your own feelings are routinely and relentlessly negated and subjugated by another.

It must be exhausting to live like this.

This is no way to live.

You don’t need to collect all of the he saids / he dids to justify how YOU feel…..you already feel it.

That is the barometer of your relationship - detach from his current everyday words and actions as this is a distraction - just turn inwards and be observant and attentive to YOUR physical feelings. Do you feel loved, cherished, encouraged, celebrated, supported? That’s the benchmark you should be experiencing.

You are not reacting or over reacting to that one comment - it it is your body screaming at you louder and louder because you are not listening to yourself - it’s a whole 16 years of erosion.

I hope you can give yourself permission to seek peace.

@Bluntness100

I don’t actually agree with these comments, it was sixteen years ago he cheated, the fact you’ve never got over it or regained trust is a major issue.

All those being sanctimonious saying you can’t comment on a colleagues attractivness are talking bullshit. I would happily comment of a male colleague started who was really handsome and say he was. Saying so doesn’t mean I fancy him or wish to shag him.

The issue here is not he isn’t allowed to say someone is good looking, and has in some way committed a crime in doing so, the issue is you don’t trust him and never got past the cheating all those years ago,

The reality is he can be completely faithful and perceive other women to be attractive, that’s normal. He is allowed to comment, it’s also normal, what’s not normal is staying in a relationship where there is no trust and intense jealousy.

She hasn't got past it because she said he continually lies about lots of things.

I think counselling would be a good idea, to get to the root of your jealousy - it stems from insecurity, which comes from not being able to trust this man.
You can't trust this man because
a) he lies to you
b) he doesn't take your feelings seriously
The stupid comment about X and your reaction to it are both symptoms of this underlying fault in the partnership. As @DFOD says, your gut is telling you that there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship. You can give yourself permission to acknowledge that, and start to examine whether this relationship is actually of worth to you.

@7917Kj

"I think what I am trying to say is, I am aware and acknowledge that the level of my insecurities and feelings of jealously are in excess of what they should be in relation to what has actually happened in the last 16 years but at the same time I don’t feel like this for no reason I was a perfectly happy, confident person before this so it’s not an inherent trait. I don’t want to be a jealous or controlling person I really don’t. I want to have the level of confidence he has about himself and our relationship where he has said several times he never doubts my feelings for him or feels jealous or worried when I get a lot of attention from other men as he knows I’m not even vaguely interested."

I think this is part of the problem though. You need to take some control of you're life. Being scared of coming across as "controlling" can mean you end up being submissive. You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to say to you H that if he crosses your boundaries then it's off. If you continually live your life the way he wants to the cost of what you want (which is reasonable; not to be lied to) then you'll end up with much deeper insecurities.

Your...

@DFOD

You don’t need to collect all of the he saids / he dids to justify how YOU feel…..you already feel it

That is the barometer of your relationship - detach from his current everyday words and actions as this is a distraction - just turn inwards and be observant and attentive to YOUR physical feelings. Do you feel loved, cherished, encouraged, celebrated, supported? That’s the benchmark

Very good advice, very well worded.

[quote TheFoundations]@DFOD

You don’t need to collect all of the he saids / he dids to justify how YOU feel…..you already feel it

That is the barometer of your relationship - detach from his current everyday words and actions as this is a distraction - just turn inwards and be observant and attentive to YOUR physical feelings. Do you feel loved, cherished, encouraged, celebrated, supported? That’s the benchmark

Very good advice, very well worded.[/quote]

agreed

I think the problem is that your husband has done nothing to help you trust him again.

Yes he was unfaithful 16 years ago, which is a long time ago. If he had since then been a good husband you may well feel secure. But he still lies to you to this day. Proving to you he isn't trustworthy, so you (very logically) think he could be having an affair. He's proved he's happy to lie to you.

Then when you raise issues (which he has caused) he dismissed you or calls you mental.

He then comments on another woman at work - within your earshot. Knowing you are insecure, knowing you worry about him being unfaithful again.

It is human nature to find other people attractive. To comment on a work colleague to another work collegaue is unprofessional, unfair on the female work colleague being talked about, and unfair on you. He's wrong 'Men' don't all do this. They might say something in a social setting between friends, but to do it in a work environment is just wrong. And to say it in front of the wife you've made insecure - and who you know worries about this - is plain cruel.

He has created this problem. You aren't being unreasonable. Don't let him convince you, or himself, that you are somehow to blame. Tell him clearly - once he stops lying to you and dismissing you and generally treating you like someone who's below him - you may decide he's trustworthy and geenrally worthy of a relationship.

You could do better.

For what’s it’s worth the logical part of my brain says there isn’t anything going on but at the same time I have been burnt so many times on the trust front that it’s hard to be logical.

What struck me is that you are living with a liar, so your constant mistrust is perfectly logical and rational. It doesn't matter whether anything is "going on" or not - the problem is that so long as you stay with him you will never really know what he is up to, and certainly not what he's doing when he thinks you wont find out.

He said it’s what blokes do and to stop being irrational

It's what some blokes do. Blokes like him. You could find a much nicer bloke?

I was 19 with a very small baby and really wanted to believe it was just a one off mistake and lapse of judgement

And now you are older and wiser. Liars rely on us believing what we want to believe. They tell us what we want to believe instead of the the truth. And so long as there could be a even smidgen of doubt we believe them because we want to, or need to, and we gradually accept smaller and smaller smidgens of doubt and more and more lies. And that's how they get away with it. You wanted to believe it's a one off but now you know for sure that it isn't. It's part of a pattern of dishonesty and disrespect.

he has persistently lied about all sorts of things which has made it hard to build trust.

It's not rational to trust a persistent liar. What he says to other people when he thinks you can't hear is a more reliable indicator than what he say to you.

I don’t want to be a jealous or controlling person I really don’t.

Jealosuy is the healthy reaction to someone stomping all over your boundaries.

I want to have the level of confidence he has about himself and our relationship

And so you should - what he is says is how people feel in normal good relationships,

where he has said several times he never doubts my feelings for him or feels jealous or worried when I get a lot of attention from other men as he knows I’m not even vaguely interested.

But he's probably lying about that too. He probably does feel insecure about you, because liars and cheats don't really trust other people. They think everyone is like them.

You can't have the realtionship you want with him. You could have it with someone else, though. You're a nice trustworthy person, you deserve a nice trustworthy partner.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

For what’s it’s worth the logical part of my brain says there isn’t anything going on but at the same time I have been burnt so many times on the trust front that it’s hard to be logical.

What struck me is that you are living with a liar, so your constant mistrust is perfectly logical and rational. It doesn't matter whether anything is "going on" or not - the problem is that so long as you stay with him you will never really know what he is up to, and certainly not what he's doing when he thinks you wont find out.

He said it’s what blokes do and to stop being irrational

It's what some blokes do. Blokes like him. You could find a much nicer bloke?

I was 19 with a very small baby and really wanted to believe it was just a one off mistake and lapse of judgement

And now you are older and wiser. Liars rely on us believing what we want to believe. They tell us what we want to believe instead of the the truth. And so long as there could be a even smidgen of doubt we believe them because we want to, or need to, and we gradually accept smaller and smaller smidgens of doubt and more and more lies. And that's how they get away with it. You wanted to believe it's a one off but now you know for sure that it isn't. It's part of a pattern of dishonesty and disrespect.

he has persistently lied about all sorts of things which has made it hard to build trust.

It's not rational to trust a persistent liar. What he says to other people when he thinks you can't hear is a more reliable indicator than what he say to you.

I don’t want to be a jealous or controlling person I really don’t.

Jealosuy is the healthy reaction to someone stomping all over your boundaries.

I want to have the level of confidence he has about himself and our relationship

And so you should - what he is says is how people feel in normal good relationships,

where he has said several times he never doubts my feelings for him or feels jealous or worried when I get a lot of attention from other men as he knows I’m not even vaguely interested.

But he's probably lying about that too. He probably does feel insecure about you, because liars and cheats don't really trust other people. They think everyone is like them.

You can't have the realtionship you want with him. You could have it with someone else, though. You're a nice trustworthy person, you deserve a nice trustworthy partner.

I mean this is exactly what I used to think, that of course I have trust issues because I am being lied to frequently you can’t build trust that way. But I’ve been convinced over time that this issue is with me.He says my definition of lie and his are different and that as long as something isn’t hurting someone it should make no odds. I just want to be able to ask a question about whatever and get the actual answer I don’t really think that’s unreasonable. Plus it does hurt me when he lies even if the lie isn’t in relation to sleeping with someone else I just need honesty across the board.

In terms of whether he is lying about feeling insecure when I get attention he most definitely isn’t. I have never met someone so self assured and confident in themselves plus I have made him feel like he’s the most important person in the world for the last 19 years. All his friends joke and say he is punching etc and he’s lucked out marrying me but he just doesn’t see it that way and in fact I reckon thinks the opposite or at least that’s how I feel, but maybe that’s because of how low my confidence has got recently.

Again I really appreciate all the advice I have been given it’s given me a lot to think about. I am going to get some help for myself to improve my self esteem and confidence so that I can make some of the potentially difficult decisions I need to without feeling like such an emotional wreck. It’s also helped me see that whilst I might have been being dramatic about the work trip away (which triggered this post) I am not going completely insane which I was starting to believe I had

He sounds like a crap partner who has decimated your self esteem.

You’d probably be much happier without him undermining you and lying all the time.

Do you have trust issues with other people, OP? People you feel close to? Or is it just with him?

No I don’t have trust issues with anyone else

So, if he wasn't in your life, you couldn't describe yourself as a person with trust issues?

Yuck he sounds like a complete sleaze

No but I would now describe myself as someone low on confidence, anxious and insecure. I can recognise it and catch myself sometimes when I go to say something I am
just struggling with how to make me feel better about myself

Can you see though, that it's all about him? It's not about faults in you at all. You are consistently consuming poison and then wishing that you didn't feel poorly.

Step away from the poison. You won't be able to feel better until you're away from him. However hard you try. It's like going to the gym, eating all the right foods, getting plenty of good quality sleep, but still consuming the poison.

I’ve been convinced over time that this issue is with me.

You have believed that because you love him and you want things to work with him. But the issue is not with you. You might have some anxiety or self esteem issues, but the issues of dishonesty and disrespect in the relationship are all with him.

He says my definition of lie and his are different and that as long as something isn’t hurting someone it should make no odds.

Then he is full of shit. He is trying to justify his lies. Why would you want to be with someone who tells you that a lie isn't a lie? And in reality his lies are hurting you very badly. Trying to trust him is messing with your head. He has manipulated you into convincing yourself that you have "trust issues" when the only trust issue you have is that you live with an untrustworthy man. You can't have confidence in yourself while your partner is undermining your knowledge of truth and lies to suit himself. Doubting what you really know yourself is undermining your confidence.

In terms of whether he is lying about feeling insecure when I get attention he most definitely isn’t. I have never met someone so self assured and confident in themselves plus I have made him feel like he’s the most important person in the world for the last 19 years. All his friends joke and say he is punching etc and he’s lucked out marrying me but he just doesn’t see it that way and in fact I reckon thinks the opposite or at least that’s how I feel, but maybe that’s because of how low my confidence has got recently.

He is very manipulative. And you have been seeing him through rose-tinted spectacles but gradually the reality is showing through the fog he has spent so long creating.

He may seem arrogant on the outside but he is building himself up at your expense. All the lies and disrespect mean he has been tearing you down for years to make himself feel better. You have been building him up for 19 years and what has he done for you in return?

I am going to get some help for myself to improve my self esteem and confidence

Good idea. You need help to rebuild yourself after 19 years of being undermined.

The best way to get your confidence and self esteem back is to dump that lying bastard. He wants/needs to keep you down, otherwise you'd have left long ago.

The best thing I ever did for myself was dump my similarly lying cheating ex.

Gaslighting you and DARVO (deny and reverse offender), which is what he does to you, are emotionally abusive behaviours.

Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender, sorry.

I have been married for 30+ years with no reason at all to distrust my DH who has many women friends. Two years ago, at a party, I looked over and saw him holding hands with another woman, a 'friend' of mine, it has broken my trust.

@fuckoffImcounting

I have been married for 30+ years with no reason at all to distrust my DH who has many women friends. Two years ago, at a party, I looked over and saw him holding hands with another woman, a 'friend' of mine, it has broken my trust.

How did he explain that away?