Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Overwhelming Feelings of Jealousy

72 replies

7917Kj · 15/09/2021 13:05

Looking for advice. Bit of background, my husband and I have been together since I was 17 together a total of 19 years married 17. 1 year after we were married and with a 5 month old baby he cheated on me and I found out, we split for a little bit but he eventually convinced me to come back and try again. He has never done anything since to my knowledge but he does lie constantly about other things (money etc) which makes me question what else he lies about and we have had a few fall outs about him having his phone on silent or turning notifications off. Never in those last 16 years have felt truly like my old self my confidence was knocked massively, I doubt myself and my judgement I feel like I am not good enough and need to change, I feel jealous over every interaction he has with another women which is ridiculous I know.

A few weeks back he was chatting to a male work colleague on the phone and said in my earshot, have you met X yet then said she is absolutely stunning. Seemingly innocent passing comment, but for me it’s sent me into some sort on internal meltdown where I am imagining all sorts. He now has a work meeting next week where he is staying over with the team including X and I am seriously struggling not to say something. I know this is my problem but I don’t know how to change the way I feel and quite frankly I am little taken a back by the intensity of how upset I am feeling right now about something that hasn’t happened. I am aware I sound like a maniac here but I really don’t know how to resolve this and make myself feel better or just not care what he’s doing. Do I need to go see someone do you think?

OP posts:

category12 · 15/09/2021 15:36

@7917Kj

I did leave but I was 19 with a very small baby and really wanted to believe it was just a one off mistake and lapse of judgement rather than a behaviour. I think as some people have said part of it is that he feels it was so long ago that it’s not a thing anymore and I need to move on. I don’t think about the incident itself very often and in fact other than remembering the day it came to light I have absolutely no memory of the rest of that year as I think i have blocked it out which is sad as apart from the bad stuff it was my sons first year and was full of loads of amazing milestones. I just have had a guard up since then

But the regular lying since then doesn't allow you to put it behind you and "move on". It's all very well saying it was years ago, but each time he lies, it reinforces that you cannot rely on him or believe in him.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 15/09/2021 15:37

You have been in a state of dread more than half your life OP, this is so sad as the reason for it is the bad behaviour of the person who should cherish you the most. I really don't think it's sustainable but it is not you who is at fault. If you both choose to continue in your marriage then there is a lot of work for him to do to understand what he has done wrong and find ways to make good the damage. And you need to work on not taking the blame that is his.

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 15/09/2021 15:41

I think him passing comment on a work colleague is appalling when he clearly initiated the topic and to what benefit!? Just letting his work mate know there's a new bit of skirt in the office!?
I'm not the jealous type as such but I'd be livid if my husband made such a comment. These types of comments may be appropriate in certain situations/conversations but it doesn't sound like it here.
He should have more respect for you. He may not have cheated but your clearly not over it and he's a liar so what's the catch for you?
I'd consider leaving and finding someone who makes you feel really loved, special and beautiful.

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 15:50

@7917Kj

Yes he just says I’m being mental or says something like “When do you think I am doing all these things I don’t have time I am either at work or with you” rather than I would never do that. So I come away from that thinking A) this is true so I am being out of order and B) feeling more shit as he’s insinuating he’s not as he doesn’t have the time or opportunity rather than because he wouldn’t. These conversations aren’t all the time btw they are few and far between but as I said I’m almost waiting for something to happen.

Whether he's cheated or not is the least of your worries. Even if you were being 'mental', a loving partner would be supportive.

Think of a fear of spiders (in the uk) as an example. It's nuts. There's no harm any spider can do you. They are tiny, innocent little creatures. But if you were scared of spiders, a partner could deal with this in 2 ways:

'I'm not moving it. You're mental to be scared of it.'

'I'll put it outside. You won't have to deal with any spiders whilst I'm around.'

An insecurity can be as barmy as you like, and a worthy partner will accept how you feel, and try to help you feel better. His response to your insecurities says a lot about him, and none of it good.

dryasaboner · 15/09/2021 15:52

@7917Kj

I did say exactly the same thing that I would never talk about fancying someone at work to friend or anyone else. He said it’s what blokes do and to stop being irrational

It's what cheats do very well

Original poster

7917Kj · 15/09/2021 17:51

Thank you all for your messages, I really appreciate your responses and they have definitely made me look at things a little differently. I was genuinely expecting to be told to get a grip and stop being ridiculous about nothing so it’s been good to see a few different takes on things

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 15/09/2021 17:56

I was genuinely expecting to be told to get a grip and stop being ridiculous about nothing

That's because you invalidate your own feelings and were expecting us to do the same. It's basically what you were trying to tell yourself, isn't it? 'Stop being ridiculous about nothing'.

Never ever say this phrase to yourself again. Delete it, and all things similar to it, from your vocabulary. Rely on your feelings as signposts, rather than viewing them as obstacles. After all, what you want is a feeling, isn't it? You want to feel happy. Facts and 'shoulds' won't get you there: doing things that feel good, and avoiding things/people that don't make you feel good, are the only way to get there.

DarlingFell · 15/09/2021 18:00

Please don’t live like this, it’s no way to exist, constantly on alert because you live with a compulsive liar. My DH would never ever talk about women he works with like that, whether I was in earshot or 100 miles away. That’s because he respects me and he respects our relationship. Im afraid your H does not respect you. You will only regain your confidence and peace of mind if you put him where he belongs. In the bin

DukeOfEarlGrey · 15/09/2021 18:06

It was a disrespectful comment towards you AND her. FWIW in my work environment it would be seen as inappropriate and sexist for two men to be talking about a female colleague like this and potentially grounds for complaint. Your feelings on this are very valid OP.

QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 18:43

I couldn't live MY precious life with anyone who left me feeling like this..

Honeymare · 15/09/2021 21:48

@Sampafie

Just because he finds X stunning doesnt mean she's taken notice of him Odds are if shes really that beautiful she knows she can do better than a washed up dad who she works with. Dont make yourself crazy for nothing

I find these remarks really unhelpful. It sets this X person on a pedestal above op and her partner. It's not worrying about nothing to suggest even if he tries it on he won't get anywhere. It's the trying it on that would be the problem.

Honeymare · 15/09/2021 21:57

Op it was a long time ago he cheated so maybe counselling would help. I don't mean you are wrong to be upset but you need to decide one way or another to either leave or get over it.

It seems there are other problems in your relationship. Perhaps they are fixable, perhaps not. Counselling should help you see that.

Fwiw though I would not like to have overheard that conversation at all. It would hurt my feelings.

Sampafie · 16/09/2021 03:11

@Honeymare I disagree. OP understood what I was saying, and I was trying to prevent her from going down the rabbits hole of obsessing over a woman who probably doesnt even know her lecherous husband exists, just because he drew attention to her by mentioning her name at home. I dont see how you misconstrued it that wrongly but, OK

Trust me if you ever happen to be a new employee somewhere and youve been the subject of that kind of comment (in their eyes its a compliment) you'd be surprised the vitriol you're met with for no reason at all, esp. If his wife works in the same building.

1forAll74 · 16/09/2021 03:56

You should try and clear your head of all these irrational, and jealous feelings, as they will do you no good at all, and drive you round the bend, and you will destroy all the harmony between yourself and your Husband, He will rightly get annoyed with you if you can't be happy within yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2021 04:14

Do I need to go see someone do you think?

Yes, a solicitor.

You don't trust your husband, rightly so, and it has eaten away at you like a cancer. It's no wonder you're a walking car crash of nerves and insecurity. He's a cheater, a liar, and you deserve better. Enough years have been wasted, no?

category12 · 16/09/2021 06:15

@1forAll74

Good grief.

Yes, wipe your mind of the persistent lying like a good little robot. And smile and straighten your apron, and have his slippers ready.

Hattie765 · 16/09/2021 06:20

have you met X yet then said she is absolutely stunning. Seemingly innocent passing comment,

There's nothing innocent about this comment, it tells you exactly who he is. You're constantly worried because your instincts are telling you he's lying and you probably should start listening and move on hon xx

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2021 06:23

I don’t actually agree with these comments, it was sixteen years ago he cheated, the fact you’ve never got over it or regained trust is a major issue.

All those being sanctimonious saying you can’t comment on a colleagues attractivness are talking bullshit. I would happily comment of a male colleague started who was really handsome and say he was. Saying so doesn’t mean I fancy him or wish to shag him.

The issue here is not he isn’t allowed to say someone is good looking, and has in some way committed a crime in doing so, the issue is you don’t trust him and never got past the cheating all those years ago,

The reality is he can be completely faithful and perceive other women to be attractive, that’s normal. He is allowed to comment, it’s also normal, what’s not normal is staying in a relationship where there is no trust and intense jealousy.

category12 · 16/09/2021 06:26

But he's never let her rebuild trust, because he persistently lies about things.

How can you trust someone who continues to lie?

Etsylicious · 16/09/2021 06:38

He’s a pig OP.

I rarely say LTB, but I think you’d be happier without him x

Original poster

7917Kj · 16/09/2021 07:28

I have tried to clear my head of irrational thoughts that’s why I came on here in the first place. It’s not a simple as he cheated and was caught 16 years ago he has persistently lied about all sorts of things which has made it hard to build trust.
I don’t lie to my husband about anything I have no reason to and for me when you lie, be it about money, your whereabouts whatever it’s because there’s a reason to lie. As some others have picked up on here and it’s true, he makes no effort to make me feel secure but then my concern was that he shouldn’t have to and the fact I don’t feel it sits with me not him.

I agree you can find other people attractive and that doesn’t mean you are going to run off with them, again, hence why I came on here because I felt I was overreacting and feeling hurt about something I shouldn’t be

OP posts:

Triffiddealer · 16/09/2021 07:41

If someone regularly lies to you, you’d have be an idiot to trust them. Your gut is telling you this.

I agree this isn’t about the comment per se, or the woman (who probably doesn’t have a clue and wouldn’t be interested anyway) - it’s just highlighted what’s lacking for you here.

I actually agree that you could have some counselling. Not because there is anything ‘wrong’ with you, but because this is no way to live and it may help you give yourself more credit and work out what you actually need to be happy.

Original poster

7917Kj · 16/09/2021 07:43

I think what I am trying to say is, I am aware and acknowledge that the level of my insecurities and feelings of jealously are in excess of what they should be in relation to what has actually happened in the last 16 years but at the same time I don’t feel like this for no reason I was a perfectly happy, confident person before this so it’s not an inherent trait. I don’t want to be a jealous or controlling person I really don’t. I want to have the level of confidence he has about himself and our relationship where he has said several times he never doubts my feelings for him or feels jealous or worried when I get a lot of attention from other men as he knows I’m not even vaguely interested.

OP posts:

Triffiddealer · 16/09/2021 08:02

@7917Kj

Why don’t you cheat on him, let him find out, keep lying to him about stuff and see if he feels the same

Rubyrebel · 16/09/2021 08:19

@Bluntness100 sorry but other people’s reactions to what he has said are not bullshit. In the context of the lies and everything else especially. You seem to think you have the authority on what’s the right way to act and feel and dismiss everyone else, which is not on. Have a word with yourself. You’re allowed your own views but please don’t say everyone else is talking BS

Flip

1 2 3