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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with friend

64 replies

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 10:54

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? Things have been terrible in my relationship for years and have come to a head in the last two years. I have put in a lot of work being stable for the kids in the face of a very unstable and angry husband and also in trying to talk with him about the cause of the (very deep rooted) problems, to see if we could fix them. In this time there has been no intimacy of any kind. I've been very responsible, I think. It feels like the weight has all been on me.

I have not meant to, but over the past few years I have grown closer and closer to one of my friends. A normal friend who my husband knows, but who I am very alike and who is just very kind -- a nice person. It's got to the point where I feel I love this friend. I don't feel I have to admit it (though I'm sure he knows), but should I? What should I do. It isn't just a sexual thing, more a feeling of deep compatibility and warmth. Does it mean I need to not see my friend any more? That would be a great loss for me. Has anyone worked out how to handle this sort of thing. I can hardly blame myself for it happening, as I see things have been objectively rotten for me at home, and I don't want to make any kind of big mess.

I don't want the advice to tell my husband, he is always cross and irrational, and I haven't acted on it. He hasn't been nice to me and I don't feel I owe him an explanation of something that is just a feeling.

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Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 11:05

I should say I haven't done anything physical or anything like that.

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Bluntness100 · 14/09/2021 11:26

So why don’t you end your marriage if it’s like this?

0606len · 14/09/2021 11:28

I would say your friend is at least a messenger: reaffirming what is wrong with and missing from your relationship with your husband.
You want to keep him as at least a friend so I would try and focus on the importance of that whilst in the meantime use the time to plan your split from your husband as it sounds as if he is unwilling to change his behaviour / attitude and that is no way for you to live.
So focus on the friendship, use what it’s telling you about your marriage. Find out what you want and plan for it.

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 11:35

@Bluntness100 (good username) I have tried W few times but I am of the mind to keep trying. My husband keeps saying he’ll change but never manages it long enough for things to shift. Up until now I’ve been very focussed on talking to him about problems and trying to shift things but something has happened as I’ve got to know this other person, I’ve had to admit to myself that I long for a deep and proper connection.

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Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 11:36

@0606len that’s a very helpful way of looking at it

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Dery · 14/09/2021 11:38

@lemonadecar It sounds like you're taking a very responsible attitude to this and that's to be applauded. I also think, given what you describe, you will be very vulnerable to falling in love with any man who treats you kindly and gently because your husband is so unpleasant to you. A bit the way clients often fall in love with their therapists. Your feelings for this man are really indicators of how desperately you are longing to be treated well.

But as PP have said: if things are terrible in your marriage, can you not leave? It sounds like a very uncomfortable environment for your children to grow up in. You don't even seem to have considered that possibility but it sounds like it may be better for all involved.

Dery · 14/09/2021 11:39

PS - cross-posted with your updates!

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 11:44

Yes, I am trying to be very responsible. Things have been dreadful and I feel the weight of it having agreed to get married in the first place, and my responsibility to the children. I've taken my vows seriously. But I am stumbling now, having felt glimpses of a warmth and compatibility that is not in my - quite bad - relationship.

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Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 11:45

I'm glad you don't think I need to lose touch with my friend.

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Dery · 14/09/2021 11:52

"I'm glad you don't think I need to lose touch with my friend."

Well - it depends how you see this unfolding. If you really want to fight for your marriage, it is probably unhelpful for your friend to remain in the picture. If your marriage is as dysfunctional as it sounds, it sounds like all parties may be better off if it were over.

Dery · 14/09/2021 11:54

And it's good that you take your vows seriously but I don't think vows should be put ahead of the wellbeing of you and your children. You don't want your children growing up thinking that it's normal for fathers to be very angry and create a volatile and insecure home.

ILoveShula · 14/09/2021 11:55

End your marriage as amicably as possible.
You will then be free to start looking at going into another relationship.

Samanabanana · 14/09/2021 11:55

If you've tried hard to save your marriage but you've not gotten anywhere, is it not time to consider ending the marriage? Is there a reason you won't or can't consider divorce?

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 11:59

@samanabanana I just don't want to get divorced! I'd feel so upset by it. I don't know if I'd miss my husband, he is so dominant in the house I'm kind of used to it, but the situation torments me. I keep asking him to change, I suppose, to have therapy. The thing is that this friendship has made me stronger, has made me see who I am a little more clearly: that I am likeable and interesting and not the things my husband mainly says I am. I'm really confused and mortified to think I might also have to get rid of one of the main friends who makes me smile throughout it.

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Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:00

Reading that back I sound so weak. I think I have just run out of energy a bit and am feeling guilty from getting pleasure from a friendship.

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givinglessfucksdaily · 14/09/2021 12:04

Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of or horrified by nowadays
Should you stay in a relationship where you are not happy ? No
Could this friendship turn into more ? Maybe , maybe not ? Who knows what the future will bring

Dozer · 14/09/2021 12:05

Sounds like the marriage/your H are awful and that you have had some strange ideas about helping/changing your H, rather than do what’s best for you and the DC. Staying in a bad relationship is probably not what’s best for your DC.

You’ve already spent years trying to address the problems with your H: would now focus on ending the marriage and all that will come along with that, eg housing, DC, money, work.

I don’t think it’s sensible to continue with anything but the most superficial, group contact with the other man. He’s not a friend anymore because you have feelings. Emotional affair territory. You don’t need to be spending time and energy thinking about OM when you have bigger problems to deal with right now. And some personal issues to address as regards your ‘boundaries’ and decision making in relationships.

Once you’re separated, have stable arrangements in place etc, you will have opportunity to date others.

Onthedunes · 14/09/2021 12:06

Is your friend married ?

Because if this friend is 'lifting you up" when he should be doing that for someone else, it may tell you that he's not quite the friend you thought.

That may take the shine off this Knight in Shining Ammour.

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:07

@dozer what do you mean about boundaries and decision making?

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Samanabanana · 14/09/2021 12:08

@lemonadecar oh divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. He sounds hard to live with. Hard to love. Everyone deserves to he happy, whether in a relationship or whether single. Children are far worse off in an unhappy family home than a single parent happy home. You've tried and he's not changed.

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:14

He is hard to live with and hard to love, that's a good way of putting it.

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Dery · 14/09/2021 12:14

Seconding @Samanabanana

Also, it isn't just about you. You haven't addressed the impact on your children of growing up in this environment. If your husband is very angry and has everyone walking on eggshells that damaging for them too and could lead to them having difficulties in forming relationships.

I do understand that it's very hard to leave a marriage and I haven't had to do it myself, but you haven't really given any proper reasons for staying other than that you the thought of divorce upsets you whereas it sounds like the thought of staying married should upset you a lot more.

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:19

Hi @Dery, I suppose my reason for staying is tangled up in two things

a) that I have lost confidence in my own judgement. My husband is very strongwilled and clever and would say he loves me and we should stay together, even while treating me with regular contempt. What if his version of reality is correct and I am just 'difficult' 'being a bitch' and 'damaged'?

b) I have tried so hard for so many years to paper over the cracks - taking the kids to parties after he's been mean and cruel, taking them to things he's refused to go to etc, making dinner ever despite his behaviour, saying holidays have been 'great' even when he hasn't spoken to me throughout them, that the whole thing does just about hang together with glue and sellotape now. It looks to all intents and purposed normal. My own long-term attempts to patch things together have given me a weird half-security. Rather than more accurately appearing in the mess they would be in. If that makes sense.

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todaysdilemma · 14/09/2021 12:19

Given that you've been trying for some time now with your husband, and it hasn't improved matters, AND you've now developed feelings for another, the only option is to leave.

As scary as divorce is, it will be a lot better to not remain under this constant stress and unhappiness. Also the guilt of knowing you love your friend will eat you alive slowly as well, and it could escalate into more if you're not careful.

You do not need to tell your husband of your feelings - it won't serve any purpose. And will end your marriage anyway, or make it worse. This decision needs to come from you, and it's also not fair to hurt your husband by admitting this emotional affair now. However, you cannot carry on staying with him, it isn't fair to him, or your children.

I would take some space from your friend for the time being, while you figure out how to end your marriage. If he's a good friend, he will understand and it won't end your friendship. But the next phase needs to only involve you, your husband and children and ending things in the best way for all of you.

You have no idea if your friend wants a relationship with you, or if it would even work out. So don't make a decision based on him. What you do know is that your current marriage isn't working and needs to end. And you need to be strong and independent for a while, alone, for the sake of your children.

If for whatever reason, you do decide to stay in your marriage, you can't have your friend in your life. That is an emotional affair, and selfish, as you are punishing your family for your own weakness at not being able to leave.

Original poster

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:25

Life is hard, and I don't have any delusions that I've done things perfectly.

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