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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with friend

64 replies

lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 10:54

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? Things have been terrible in my relationship for years and have come to a head in the last two years. I have put in a lot of work being stable for the kids in the face of a very unstable and angry husband and also in trying to talk with him about the cause of the (very deep rooted) problems, to see if we could fix them. In this time there has been no intimacy of any kind. I've been very responsible, I think. It feels like the weight has all been on me.

I have not meant to, but over the past few years I have grown closer and closer to one of my friends. A normal friend who my husband knows, but who I am very alike and who is just very kind -- a nice person. It's got to the point where I feel I love this friend. I don't feel I have to admit it (though I'm sure he knows), but should I? What should I do. It isn't just a sexual thing, more a feeling of deep compatibility and warmth. Does it mean I need to not see my friend any more? That would be a great loss for me. Has anyone worked out how to handle this sort of thing. I can hardly blame myself for it happening, as I see things have been objectively rotten for me at home, and I don't want to make any kind of big mess.

I don't want the advice to tell my husband, he is always cross and irrational, and I haven't acted on it. He hasn't been nice to me and I don't feel I owe him an explanation of something that is just a feeling.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/09/2021 12:28

It sounds like your H is abusive. Suggest the Freedom Programme.

My comment about your boundaries and decisions refers to the impression you give that you have stated a v long time with a person behaving badly/abusively, to your and the DCs’ detriment. Tried to change things / compensate by doing things your H refuses to, rather than leaving.

todaysdilemma · 14/09/2021 12:28

Also, I am assuming your friend is single? But if you did stay in your marriage, and used your friend as emotional support, how would you feel if he fell in love and got into a relationship of his own? Surely, that would make you feel a lot worse.

Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:28

ok, thanks for explaining

OP posts:
blue30 · 14/09/2021 12:32

I would only reiterate what was said above about resolving your marriage and possibly putting a little more distance between you and the friend in the mean time. The main reason being is that if there’s even a hint of another man being involved then the whole conversation will become about that rather than your husbands behaviour and it will be almost impossible to move beyond that again.

Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:36

I see what you are saying @blue30. I think that the friendship is the only thing keeping me sane, and that if I moved back from it the issues with the marriage would either be pushed to the foreground or I would just melt back into putting up with them unhappily for another decade.

OP posts:
IamAporcupine · 14/09/2021 12:37

I could have written your post
PM if you want to chat

Dery · 14/09/2021 12:37

@lemonadecar

Your update tends to confirm that your husband is abusive and you are in an abusive relationship with a husband who throws his weight around and doesn't care how much he is upsetting you or your children.

What you're describing has become your normal and it's your children's normal but it's not normal. It may be that he grew up with a father who behaved like this and therefore thinks it's normal and okay. Unfortunately, despite all your best efforts, your children may be learning similar lessons.

I'm betting that you being difficult/a bitch or whatever is you standing up for yourself or asking him for something he doesn't want to give or do something he doesn't want to do. Or it's you not giving him something he wants (such as, e.g., sex).

And he's trained you to hear his voice in your head and routinely undermined your faith in yourself. You might find it helpful to read "In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser - How He Gets into Her Head"/ also "Why Does He Do That?"

Does he have a very respectable public face and does everyone else think he's marvellous? Because that's common for abusers also.

How easy would it be for you to get away? Do you think you may be in danger if you try to leave?

Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:39

It is nice to be valued by a friend. There is perhaps a relevant backstory which is that when I first got together with my husband (over a decade ago) he forced me to break contact with one of my oldest friends -- a man I'd known since childhood and who I'd never been romantically linked to but was very close to and derived a lot of support from. I loved that friendship and feel a bit like this is a similar one. I said it was love but more it's just deep, and real.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:40

@Dery

"Does he have a very respectable public face and does everyone else think he's marvellous? Because that's common for abusers also."

Yes, very.

OP posts:
Dery · 14/09/2021 12:42

@lemonadecar

It really does sound like this relationship is abusive. Do you feel able to do any of the reading I mentioned? Do you feel you would be safe if you left?

Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 12:45

I feel as if my husband would not lose face long term by being visibly abusive if I left, but behind closed doors and where he could he would be. He can be very nice or very nasty, whatever is most useful to him at the time. I genuinely am not sure if it is better to stay and be like the lionkeeper of him, as I do know how to make life basically work now, or to go. The situation is not terrible for the kids because I am like a duck swimming so hard underwater while gliding on the surface, but in my emotions and my mind I am very low.

OP posts:
MancMum2000 · 14/09/2021 12:47

You seem to think you are doing your children a favour by keeping the family together, but I’m not so sure. Being in an abusive environment is damaging your children, every day. But I realise leaving is easier said than done, and you might feel at least you are around to buffer his influence on them which wouldn’t be the case if you had shared custody following a split. I think you need to get some expert legal advice OP on what your options could be.

Dery · 14/09/2021 12:57

I agree with @MancMum2000.

It's not easy for your children living with an angry father and a depressed mother. I almost wonder whether this friend is making the situation worse by making you able to stay in a situation which you should really leave. And as a PP said upthread - no doubt, if your husband finds out about this friendship, all bets are off. He will use the information to break you.

Remember also - life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot. There was a heartbreaking post on here - I think it was last year or late 2019 - it was from a woman in her mid-40s. She had finally escaped from her emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage, in which she had spent most of her adult life, only to be diagnosed with a terminal illness and not long left to live. She felt she had wasted her life. Amongst other things, she was posting as a warning to others not to make the same mistake.

You don't have to leave right now. But this situation really doesn't sound tenable long-term. Could you at least start exploring what leaving might look like?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 12:58

The situation is not terrible for the kids because I am like a duck swimming so hard underwater while gliding on the surface, but in my emotions and my mind I am very low.

I'm afraid it is terrible for the children in the long term though.

They're being taught that it's normal for men to be angry and selfish and dictate the mood of the house. And that it's normal for women to just get on with things regardless and try to regulate a man's mood and behaviour.

It's incredibly damaging to their perception of relationship dynamics and the longer you stay the more likely they are to replicate this relationship themselves as adults.

It is never, ever in a child's best interests to grow up in a household with abusive behaviour. Ever.

Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 13:00

You're both right. Especially I think @Dery spot on that having this friend is making life seem bearable and thereby having the negative effect of giving me the strength to stay. Mumsnet is very useful sometimes. Thanks.

OP posts:
leavesthataregreen · 14/09/2021 13:11

Why don't you want to get divorced? Think carefully about this. Of course it's worthwhile keeping a marriage going and I think lots of people split up because they can't be bothered to do the work that keeps a marriage alive over the long haul. But that is very different from single handedly supporting an angry man and protecting children from him.

Life is long. Your children are only young once. They deserve to grow up in a safe, calm atmosphere with a reasonably happy parent and you deserve to live life with security and freedom. You may gain far more than you lose.

Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2021 13:17

You're never going to be able to 'fix' an abusive relationship. He likes things exactly how they are. He just doesn't want you to know that.

Get the divorce. Shoe your children that it is not ok for people to be nasty to their partners. And that it is not a womans job to tolerate it or try to fix bully men.

As for your friend...I'd step back until your divorce goes through. Not saying you need to cut them off but dont put yourself in a position where your partner could use him to claim adultary in the divorce.

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2021 13:17

But how are you trying to make your marriage work op? Having sex with someone else and chasing him/mooning over him hardly fits the descriptor.

If you want to make your marriage work leave this man alone. If you just wish to stay becayse it’s easier and you wish th life style then that’s fair enough but own it.

Dery · 14/09/2021 13:19

By the way - it's normal for victims of abuse to feel worn out, beaten down, foggy and unable to make big decisions. Remember domestic abuse (including emotional abuse) is a crime. Domestic abuse may be the only crime where the victim has to live at the crime scene with the criminal.

It is also common for abuse sufferers to feel ashamed although goodness knows they have no reason to feel ashamed. But often they do. Particularly when (as is common) the abuser has built a very respectable public profile. It's actually a thing for abusers to do that - it creates a smokescreen for what they're really like in private.

It sounds like just getting from day to day is incredibly hard work for you. So you may well need to reach out for support on this here and in real life if you can. Do you have any family/friends you can talk to about this?

Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 13:36

yes @Dery I do have friends and family I can talk to about this, and I have started to open up. I suppose the initial post about my friend gives just part of a picture in which I have started mentally separating a bit from my H in the past years. I would have a hard time accepting I have been abused but perhaps I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 13:41

'feel worn out, beaten down, foggy and unable to make big decisions' - I do feel just like this. Do you know where I can read about why this is/why it would happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonadecar · 14/09/2021 14:36

Really grateful to everyone who helped.

OP posts:
Dery · 14/09/2021 15:05

"'feel worn out, beaten down, foggy and unable to make big decisions' - I do feel just like this. Do you know where I can read about why this is/why it would happen?"

You may find it helpful to read "In The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head" and/or "Why Does He Do That?". The second book is available as a pdf at this link: ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf.

The author has authorised it to be distributed in that way so it can be accessed by women suffering abuse from male partners.

Glad you're reaching out, OP. Keep posting here for support also if it helps.

QuentinBunbury · 14/09/2021 15:27

bluntness she hasn't had sex with her friend. Wind your neck in.
op I think you should see a therapist and talk this through. Your husband sounds awful and abusive. I think you'd feel better off without him, regardless of your friend.

Bexxe · 14/09/2021 15:38

my question to you is if your daughter described that she was in a relationship that mirrored yours - what advice would you give?

would you tell her to keep trying even though he has called her names and puts in no effort?

or would you tell her that life is too short to be miserable, and if there is a chance of happiness vs a certainty of unhappiness - she should take it.

set an example, your DC will be picking up that home life is not happy