How to Make Ex Miss You When You Have a Child Together?

[TrulyRegion]

Myself and girlfriend of 8 years split 7 days ago. We have a 2 year old daughter who I can see several evenings a week and at the weekend. I'm willing to see my daughter at every possible chance, I would see her everyday if I could. Problem is that my ex broke up with me, I want her back and I now understand my flaws and why we didn't work out. She wants space and I haven't given it to her in these first 7 days since we broke up. I was hurt, not thinking clearly, couldn't control emotions. I am now seeing the light and feel good about myself. I am initiating no contact, other than to arrange to see my daughter.

Problem is when I am seeing my daughter in the evenings, my ex will be in the living room nextdoor and be able to see my playing with her all the time. I've always been a good dad to her, love playing with her & helping out.

What else can I do? I want to see if she will miss me and change her mind as she is also confused. Talking didn't work. She needs space. I have had a nice fresh hairstyle, got some expensive perfume and I look the best I ever have! I'm confident I won't get upset anymore or try to talk to her about us. It's only been 7 days but every time I walked into the house and saw my daughter I would break down. That's just the raw emotion, I'm over it now.

Are there any other tips or things I can do? As I say, she will see me and my daughter happily playing together several times a week. Me & her don't have to speak, but she can't avoid seeing this.

While it's wonderful you've examined your behaviour and know exactly where you went wrong in the 7 days since you split 🤔

You need to accept the relationship is over and move on. The title of your thread just shows you want to play games which may be one of the reasons she's moved on. You might try listening to what she's telling you, she's not confused, you don't kick the father of your children out if you're confused, she knew what she was doing and I have no doubt she had good reason.

@givinglessfucksdaily

So in your utter devastation of this 7 days you've had a new hairstyle and gone shopping for a new aftershave , you've never looked better and feeling good in yourself ?

That's great aye

She probably thinks you’re seeing another woman 😳

@Goldbar has nailed it. This with bells on:

"Part of the problem is that a lot of men don't realise that most women really are done at the point at which they end a relationship.

Especially where there is a child involved, ime women don't tend to break up their relationships lightly. They've generally asked for help, pleaded for change, shouted, argued, begged, cried and then gradually distanced themselves as it became apparent that their partner really didn't care. Then they switch off emotionally and plan their exit strategy. If this was the case for your partner, then I'm afraid your relationship was dead in the water long before she asked you to leave. You just didn't care enough about her and what she was feeling to notice."

This exact thing came up a communications seminar. Generally speaking, who grieves most while a relationship is declining and who grieves most afterwards? The answer was that it was women who grieved most during the decline and men who grieved most afterwards because they generally hadn't noticed how bad things had got so the end of the relationship came as a shock to them whereas the woman had gone through her pain and was already looking forwards.

You cannot be over the break-up of a serious relationship in 7 days, particularly when you have seen that person several times during the ensuing week.

Agree set days with your ex as to when you see your daughter. My partner split with his ex when their daughter was a similar age and he used to go over twice a week to do bath and bedtime, and then had her one day each weekend. His ex did her own thing during this time, they did not spend this time together.

You may or may not reconcile, but your best hope when she has asked for space is go give her that space and let her see what her life is like without you. If you are always there, things are essentially just the same.

@Goldbar

Part of the problem is that a lot of men don't realise that most women really are done at the point at which they end a relationship.

Especially where there is a child involved, ime women don't tend to break up their relationships lightly. They've generally asked for help, pleaded for change, shouted, argued, begged, cried and then gradually distanced themselves as it became apparent that their partner really didn't care. Then they switch off emotionally and plan their exit strategy. If this was the case for your partner, then I'm afraid your relationship was dead in the water long before she asked you to leave. You just didn't care enough about her and what she was feeling to notice.

Spot on! You had your chance, you fluffed it.

@Dery. That's interesting.

The funny thing is that a lot of men still say "You should have said something if you were so unhappy". Their partner's response is "I did say something. Over and over again. You never listened".

If I were cynical, I would say that what a lot of men mean when they say "You should have said something" is not "You should have said you were unhappy so we could have worked together to solve that" but "You should have said you were about to leave me as I might have pulled my finger out just a little bit to avoid breaking up my home and losing my resident skivvy and childminder".

"Dear Mumsnet, help me manipulate and coerce my ex."

Nope.

You don’t. You work on you and your issues that led to the break up and filling your life up with things for you, and you be an equal parent as you try to move forward as coparents.

And respect her decision.

Sometimes people work it out, sometimes they don’t.

But right now she’s telling you she’s done so believe her.

What an odd thread. It's a bit self absorbed op.

Are you a woman OP? I only ask because a lot of the posters seem to have assumed you're a man and I'm wondering if the advice would be different, or take a different tone.

@FlumpsAreShit

Are you a woman OP? I only ask because a lot of the posters seem to have assumed you're a man and I'm wondering if the advice would be different, or take a different tone.

It would be the same advice. Leave the poor woman the hell alone! Stop trying to coerce her.

Eh, just do better with your next girlfriend... and stop making it harder for this one. She sounds like a smart cookie.

@FlumpsAreShit

Are you a woman OP? I only ask because a lot of the posters seem to have assumed you're a man and I'm wondering if the advice would be different, or take a different tone.

To be fair, I assumed it was a woman. Due to use of 'perfume'. But kept my reply neutral because no have no clue.

Wether they are male or female, doesn't change my mind. They sound very manipulative and generally someone the ex should remain separated from.

You can't 'make' someone miss you

If you need anymore evidence that this is a man - hounds his ex, thinks parenting is "helping",etc , he actually states he's a "good dad" (aren't they all).

@FlumpsAreShit

Are you a woman OP? I only ask because a lot of the posters seem to have assumed you're a man and I'm wondering if the advice would be different, or take a different tone.

My response would be completely the same.

Problem is when I am seeing my daughter in the evenings, my ex will be in the living room nextdoor

How is it you are banging on about your Ex needing space - at the same time as assuming all your contact with your child can take place in your Ex's home?

Take your child out, or to your own home FFS.
Your Ex's home is not a creche.

She wants space and I haven't given it to her in these first 7 days since we broke up.

So you refused to respect her boundary, & her need for space.

I was hurt, not thinking clearly, couldn't control emotions. I am now seeing the light and feel good about myself.

& you still believe that it's ok to choose to respect/disrespect her boundaries, dependent on your own emotional state.

It's all about you, isn't it?
Your OP doesn't mention anything about your Ex, what she wants, why she broke up with you. Not good.
Leave her alone, & start working on yourself.

You say you "now" recognise your flaws - but it took her splitting up with you for you to reach this revelation. She's probably feeling "too little, too late".

I'm responding to those that started with 'a lot of men...' etc.

I think lots of people are being quite harsh. Coerci noon isn't acceptable but wanting to try and tempt someone to change their mind is natural when heartbroken, surely?

@FlumpsAreShit

I'm responding to those that started with 'a lot of men...' etc.

I think lots of people are being quite harsh. Coerci noon isn't acceptable but wanting to try and tempt someone to change their mind is natural when heartbroken, surely?

It is but the OP is specifically ignoring her requests for space and has focused on making quite superficial changes - eg his appearance.

It is unlikely that his partner broke up with him either over his hairstyle or hoping that he would ignore her requests for space.

Rather, it suggests that not listening to her and being focused on his needs and what he wants were a feature of the relationship...

Repeating that pattern in a different format is going going to achieve his desired outcome is it?

And, tbh, i don't think tempting someone to change their mind is natural. Personally, I think respecting someone's decision is.

@FlumpsAreShit

Are you a woman OP? I only ask because a lot of the posters seem to have assumed you're a man and I'm wondering if the advice would be different, or take a different tone.

Refers to himself as dad.

@LittleMysSister

You cannot be over the break-up of a serious relationship in 7 days, particularly when you have seen that person several times during the ensuing week.

Agree set days with your ex as to when you see your daughter. My partner split with his ex when their daughter was a similar age and he used to go over twice a week to do bath and bedtime, and then had her one day each weekend. His ex did her own thing during this time, they did not spend this time together.

You may or may not reconcile, but your best hope when she has asked for space is go give her that space and let her see what her life is like without you. If you are always there, things are essentially just the same.

First stage of grief - denial. OP is very much still on that one.

Why did your ex end the relationship? And how many times has she ended it before and then taken you back? Without knowing that, we've no idea if you've got any chance of reconciling.

@Goldbar

Part of the problem is that a lot of men don't realise that most women really are done at the point at which they end a relationship.

Especially where there is a child involved, ime women don't tend to break up their relationships lightly. They've generally asked for help, pleaded for change, shouted, argued, begged, cried and then gradually distanced themselves as it became apparent that their partner really didn't care. Then they switch off emotionally and plan their exit strategy. If this was the case for your partner, then I'm afraid your relationship was dead in the water long before she asked you to leave. You just didn't care enough about her and what she was feeling to notice.

Very true

My wording around "helping out" with our child was just a lack of thinking before typing.

Bollocks it was. You revealed exactly how you see being a dad. We see you.

Shdd we broke up with you 7 days ago and you didn’t give her space in those 7 days as she requested. Now all of a sudden you’ve grown and see what you did wrong? 🙄 leave her alone