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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to Make Ex Miss You When You Have a Child Together?

55 replies

TrulyRegion · 13/09/2021 11:13

Myself and girlfriend of 8 years split 7 days ago. We have a 2 year old daughter who I can see several evenings a week and at the weekend. I'm willing to see my daughter at every possible chance, I would see her everyday if I could. Problem is that my ex broke up with me, I want her back and I now understand my flaws and why we didn't work out. She wants space and I haven't given it to her in these first 7 days since we broke up. I was hurt, not thinking clearly, couldn't control emotions. I am now seeing the light and feel good about myself. I am initiating no contact, other than to arrange to see my daughter.

Problem is when I am seeing my daughter in the evenings, my ex will be in the living room nextdoor and be able to see my playing with her all the time. I've always been a good dad to her, love playing with her & helping out.

What else can I do? I want to see if she will miss me and change her mind as she is also confused. Talking didn't work. She needs space. I have had a nice fresh hairstyle, got some expensive perfume and I look the best I ever have! I'm confident I won't get upset anymore or try to talk to her about us. It's only been 7 days but every time I walked into the house and saw my daughter I would break down. That's just the raw emotion, I'm over it now.

Are there any other tips or things I can do? As I say, she will see me and my daughter happily playing together several times a week. Me & her don't have to speak, but she can't avoid seeing this.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 13/09/2021 11:15

You need to respect your ex girlfriend and move on.

IAmASpiderPlant · 13/09/2021 11:24

She's not going to be swayed by expensive scents and a new hairstyle! Blimey, you understand she's a fully functioning human who rejected you because of your flaws and her own thought processs and decision making don't you?

It takes a lot for a woman to dump a man when she has a small child to look after so your behaviour must have been pretty bad. Added to the fact that you didn't respect her need for space when she first split up with you and now hope that frivolities will change her mind... Confused

It also sounds (because you mentioned it a few times) that you are hoping she will be wooed by you demonstrating the very basic human qualities of interacting with the child you co-creatded.

Literally flabbergasted.

Do as she has asked and give her space!

Dery · 13/09/2021 11:26

We don't know what you did wrong or whether it's at all appropriate for your ex to consider taking you back. I'm guessing you behaved pretty badly to cause her to end your relationship when you have a very small child together. At the very least, it sounds like you took her completely for granted and there may well be no way back. So the bottom line is you probably should respect her decision.

In any case, in order for her to miss you, you need to back right off. Do things for your appearance if it helps you feel better but don't do it in order to lure her back in. It's only been 7 days. It must have been a huge step for her to end the relationship. Genuinely give her the emotional space she is asking for. Think about her not yourself.

When you're not with your child, distract yourself with other activities. Get busy elsewhere. Give her an opportunity to miss you.

IAmASpiderPlant · 13/09/2021 11:26

helping out

You shouldn't be 'helping out'. You should be caring for and raising your child. It's not her job and you just lighten the load occasionally

GiveMeAUserName123 · 13/09/2021 11:29

You could try begging and grovelling, may work, may make things worse.

Giving someone space is hard but if it’s what she wants, what can you do.

I’d make it clear I’m going to give her space but I’m desperate for another chance and won’t tuck it up next time, other than that, nothing else can be done really.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2021 11:30

"Too little, too late" springs to mind. Leave her alone.

Beachtrip · 13/09/2021 11:34

Initiating no contact with the end goal being making her miss you is game playing and manipulative. It's bad for your mental health because when you reach the end of the 30(?) days and she might not be interested you are actually at day one.

Do no contact to get over the breakup and work on yourself.
Not as a game, not as a tactic to show her how much she misses you.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2021 11:35

You could start by giving her space like she asked for. Take the kid out maybe instead of hanging out at her place.

And as pp said, it's not 'helping out', it's simply taking responsibility for your share of childcare. Or if the child is old enough, take it to yours a few nights each week so that your ex gets a few days to chill, without you invading her space. As she should.

I dont know what wasnt working that made her decide to end things but people dont take these decisions lightly. I suspect a lack of listening to her and respect for her may have played a part, considering you've been over their crying every bloody day and ignoring her need for space by the sounds of things.

It's highly unlikely that you've 'fixed' the issues she split up with you for. And if they were that way to fix, why didn't you bother before now?

BeachDrifting · 13/09/2021 11:38

Why didn’t you just be good to her when you were together? I just don’t understand. You had every chance, every day to be nice, loving, wonderful. Why couldn’t you do that? Have you booked a therapist to get to the bottom of your thinking and behaviour. You need to be doing that

TheBestWhootersInWhoville · 13/09/2021 11:40

Are you for real?

Kanaloa · 13/09/2021 11:41

Too late, she’s over it. And it sounds like you haven’t fixed any of the core issues if you think you’re a ‘good dad’ for playing with your child and ‘helping out.’ That’s the bare minimum that every father does.

Also, your language around her not being able to avoid seeing you play with your child isn’t good. It sounds like you want to use contact time to try and push her back into a relationship with you - she doesn’t want you to make her ‘miss you.’ She told you what she wants - space.

givinglessfucksdaily · 13/09/2021 11:43

So in your utter devastation of this 7 days you've had a new hairstyle and gone shopping for a new aftershave , you've never looked better and feeling good in yourself ?

That's great aye

Yummypumpkin · 13/09/2021 11:44

You need to think over the longer term.

7 days is nothing. You're in shock.

You need to draw up a 90 day plan. Give her space and work on being consistent and the person you want to be over that time frame.

Anything you do right now to MAKE her do or feel anything is wrong. You shouldn't be trying to manipulate her feelings. That's why people on here are mad with you.

90 day plan. Space. Respect her decision. Consistency. Be the person you're capable of. Oh...and don't go on dating sites or sleep with anyone else.

Kiduknot · 13/09/2021 11:49

If she sees you getting on with life, without hassling her, but being perfectly friendly when your paths cross, then there may be a small chance. That’s your best option.

Original poster
TrulyRegion · 13/09/2021 12:02

Sorry guys, I have not come across well in my original post. Whilst I may feel that I'm out of the tunnel, it is clear I am still not thinking clearly as you all have made me see. I do need to just get on with it and stop overthinking, stop trying to force things to happen. My wording around "helping out" with our child was just a lack of thinking before typing. My head is still quite hazy and I'm not putting much thought into my choice of words here or my thinking, my bad.

I just want to do my share of caring for my daughter. I will let her have space, and not play silly games. I've taken all the criticism on board and I have things to work on with my thoughts. I think it's as easy as letting go, stop seeing it as a game. To respect her, because deep down I do love her and as you say, if she needs space, she NEEDS space. Thanks everyone, even if I've come across as a dick.

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 13/09/2021 12:07

Why don’t you have your child to stay at your place over the weekend ?

After all, if you’ve been a great involved dad over the last two years, your child will be used to staying with you alone while her mum goes out etc .

Sagaz · 13/09/2021 12:15

This all sounds like tactics to manipulate her in to taking you back rather than BEING a man she could genuinely value.

Just be consistent in your childcare so that she can also plan a life.

MultiStorey · 13/09/2021 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 13/09/2021 12:22

Did she tell you she was confused, or is that your assumption based on her behaviour during the period when you were not giving her space to think properly?

My advice would be not to go to her saying that you have seen the light and understand your mistakes after just 7 days. If it only took 7 days for you to understand, she will be very angry that you didn't try understanding it a year, two years, or three years ago.

Hekatestorch · 13/09/2021 12:25

So you only want timake an effort now she had finished with you?

Why do you keep mentioning she can't help but see you play with the child?
It sounds like you are only doing as a tactic to get her back.

In the last 7 days, you refused to give her the space she asked for, got a make over, bought perfume and played with the child and completely changed your behaviour?

Do you see how that doesn't make sense. You didn't give her space and you also completely changed your behaviour, know where you went wrong and are a changed person.

But also think playing with the child is a seduction tactic and a hair cut and perfume will help. Did she finish it because you wouldn't get your hair cut or wear perfume? Because if not that's not going to change her mind.

Concentrate on being a parent.

Kanaloa · 13/09/2021 12:30

That’s good op, time to let things go I think and perhaps work on things for the future. So look at where things went wrong and how it can be avoided going forward.

Notaroadrunner · 13/09/2021 12:35

I'm hoping that while you're out playing with dd, your ex has her back to the window next door to avoid whatever show you plan to put on for her. You need to accept the fact that your ex has made her decision to end your relationship. Any communication should be about your dd only, and even then only necessary communication.

Goldbar · 13/09/2021 12:40

Part of the problem is that a lot of men don't realise that most women really are done at the point at which they end a relationship.

Especially where there is a child involved, ime women don't tend to break up their relationships lightly. They've generally asked for help, pleaded for change, shouted, argued, begged, cried and then gradually distanced themselves as it became apparent that their partner really didn't care. Then they switch off emotionally and plan their exit strategy. If this was the case for your partner, then I'm afraid your relationship was dead in the water long before she asked you to leave. You just didn't care enough about her and what she was feeling to notice.

IAmASpiderPlant · 13/09/2021 12:56

^ that

Cattitudes · 13/09/2021 12:59

She probably didn't care which perfume you put on yourself or your haircut (unless very extreme). She cared about whether you did your share of the washing up, whether you picked your underwear off the floor and whether you took your fair share of waking up in the night or taking an early shift looking after your dd.

Don't just hang around her place, if you/she are not ready for overnights yet then maybe say you will take dd out first thing (7am for reference) and go to the park and on for breakfast for example. If there was any violence then to be honest I would not plan any return just concentrate on being the best father you can to your dd.