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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Little Blue Pills

62 replies

LV2NY · 12/09/2021 23:05

I have been dating a really lovely guy for 18 months. We are committed and serious and see a future together. This is long term plans as I have children and about 8 months ago he had to move for work so we are now long distance.
Sex life from day one has been wonderful, no concerns really that couldn’t be put down to his inexperience and being quite shy/reserved about sex. Things have got better and better.
In the weekend I helped him shift house. I was packing towels into a box and at the back of the cupboard was an empty prescription box. It was for Viagra. The date on the box was for 3 weeks after we started having sex. I then checked his toilet bag and found more in there. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I would never have ever guessed based on his behaviour or our sex life that would suggest it. I couldn’t ask him about it at the time as he was at the new house unloading furniture. When he got back we were busy and he was very stressed from the move so there never seemed a good time to bring it up. I came home without discussing it with him. Because I was so shocked about it I discussed it with a friend, she started dating a guy at a similar time to me. I have decided to let him have his privacy on this issue and not bring it up. She thinks it’s deceitful of him to not tell me he is taking them and that discussing this with me would be normal. Him taking them is not affecting our sex life in any way and he might find me knowing distressing. I know for sure he doesn’t take them every time but the length of time of our relationship shows it’s an on going issue that he has sorted out. He knows how important this part of our relationship is to me and it must be so embarrassing to have to go to the doctor and chemist for them. I feel badly for him that he has this problem and the way he has resolved it shows he cares about me. I think it’s completely understandable given how private and reserved he is to keep this to himself. Would you find this acceptable or is my friend right?

OP posts:
grannybee55 · 12/09/2021 23:12

Why do you need to ask him? It's private.

Porcupineintherough · 12/09/2021 23:16

I see no reason whatsoever why you feel that this is your business at this point in the relationship. Even discussing it w your friend is pretty "ew" tbh.

SerenShine · 12/09/2021 23:17

As your sex life isn't affected I wouldn't bring it up. I would only instigate a conversation if your relationship starting to suffer linked to this.

Original poster
LV2NY · 12/09/2021 23:19

Well that’s my thought too. He has never been married or lived with anyone so I am is used to having complete privacy. It’s my friend and her opinion on it, she is insisting it is bad that he hasn’t told me. I am wanting opinions to see what others would consider normal.

OP posts:
JordieLass · 12/09/2021 23:19

It’s really not your business tbh. Terrible thing for your friend to say. It’s his private medical issue and now 2 people know about it.

Original poster
LV2NY · 12/09/2021 23:22

@Porcupineintherough

I see no reason whatsoever why you feel that this is your business at this point in the relationship. Even discussing it w your friend is pretty "ew" tbh.
I can understand that but we are very very close and always talk about really personal stuff. She had a messy divorce and my husband died at a similar time and we were huge support to each other and are very similar and very close. I told her because I was so shocked and she calmed me down.
OP posts:
DotsandCo · 12/09/2021 23:42

Honestly...it's really nobody's business but his 🤷‍♀️ (and now you've shared it! How awful if your friend ever mentioned it to him in a drunken moment 🤦‍♀️😱)

And quite frankly, even if he did share this with you...so what 🤷‍♀️ I'm sure you'd love him just the same ♥️

ScatteredMama82 · 12/09/2021 23:46

It’s really not something he needs to discuss with you. I’m sure if/when you live together he will as it will pretty much unavoidable you seeing his pills but don’t pry. Viagra only helps when he is turned on, it’s nothing personal and it’s not about you.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/09/2021 00:12

Would your friend consider it deceitful or a betrayal if a woman was using medication to resolve vaginal dryness or thrush and didn't tell her male partner all about it?

Original poster
LV2NY · 13/09/2021 00:29

@DotsandCo

Honestly...it's really nobody's business but his 🤷‍♀️ (and now you've shared it! How awful if your friend ever mentioned it to him in a drunken moment 🤦‍♀️😱)

And quite frankly, even if he did share this with you...so what 🤷‍♀️ I'm sure you'd love him just the same ♥️

I know 100% my friend would never mention it to him, they have never met and live in different cities so I am confident this would never happen. I didn’t start this thread about whether it was right or wrong whether I told my friend. I appreciate other people’s opinions but I don’t regret saying anything to her. We are normally completely on the same page with things so I am happy that my gut feeling was correct. Of course I would love him just the same, he is amazing with or without them.
OP posts:
Original poster
LV2NY · 13/09/2021 00:31

@ScatteredMama82

It’s really not something he needs to discuss with you. I’m sure if/when you live together he will as it will pretty much unavoidable you seeing his pills but don’t pry. Viagra only helps when he is turned on, it’s nothing personal and it’s not about you.
Thank you for that, it is reassuring. To be honest I definitely at no point have taken it personally. In fact I am flattered that he cares enough about me to do this for me/us.
OP posts:
Original poster
LV2NY · 13/09/2021 00:33

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Would your friend consider it deceitful or a betrayal if a woman was using medication to resolve vaginal dryness or thrush and didn't tell her male partner all about it?
Yes I did say something similar to her but she seemed quite adamant he should have told me.
OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 00:37

I really wouldn't say anything.

You're very happy and sex is good.

It's such a sensitive topic for men. Their ability to get and sustain an erection.

And it's not like it has an impact on you like I dunno. He's told you he's infertile and he isn't.

Maybe he will tell you in time maybe he won't.

Maybe he doesn't even usually need them.

I would leave it. I can't see how anything positive would come from bringing it up.

sparkleywallpaper · 13/09/2021 00:38

Does a man need to be very 'turned on' to successfully use Viagra? I'm very naive

MMmomDD · 13/09/2021 00:54

OP - why did you have such an overreaction to this? Shocked? Isn’t that a little OTT?

You do realise that many men struggle with erections. And - by your description - your guy isn’t very experience and/or confident in general. So why the drama and overreaction??? And why would you spect a shy man to feel comfortable talking about it?

By the sound of it you are also quite uninformed about how Viagra works and what it does/doesn’t do. The blue pill doesn’t cause erections by itself. It just ensures the mechanics work reliably when the man is turned on.

NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 01:04

I would be taken aback at finding bf took Viagra

OP isn't overreacting.

I suppose age is relevant here as well. But still. Erectile dysfunction isn't experienced by 'many men' across all agree groups at all.

Original poster
LV2NY · 13/09/2021 01:04

I guess I was shocked because I am a very observant person and there was nothing obvious that he had any problems, I was genuinely surprised that I had no clue. Of course I know that lots of men have issues. My previous boyfriend did but refused to see the GP about it. My emotions were quite heightened because we had to be apart for 4 weeks due to covid so maybe that played into my dramatics.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 01:04

Anyway I don't know why you're saying that to OP when she isn't going to mention it. It was her friend who saw it differently.

NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 01:05

How old is he OP?

Original poster
LV2NY · 13/09/2021 01:07

@NiceGerbil

I would be taken aback at finding bf took Viagra

OP isn't overreacting.

I suppose age is relevant here as well. But still. Erectile dysfunction isn't experienced by 'many men' across all agree groups at all.

Thanks. We are mid 40s. He has no other health issues, he is slim, fit, eats well, hardly drinks.
OP posts:
Chloemol · 13/09/2021 01:17

Ok you say you don’t want to discuss the fact you told your friend and you have no problem with what you have done. But, It’s wrong to discuss this with your friend. Say he does tell you, are you going to tell him you told your friend? She knows something very private about him now and it’s likely he will be mortified if he ever finds out

He has a problem, he has sorted it I don’t see why you are shocked etc etc.

Learn from this there are certain things you simply don’t discuss with friends, not if you truly cared about someone

How would you feel if his friends all knew personal intimate details about you

NiceGerbil · 13/09/2021 01:50

You think people should never discuss anything sensitive about their relationship with a close friend?!

mummaelle · 13/09/2021 01:53

Mind your business

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 13/09/2021 05:04

In my experience, men are often prescribed Viagra for short-term use if they are failing to achieve erections for psychological reasons, like performance anxiety. It's like stabilisers while they get their confidence back.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 13/09/2021 05:05

And no, do not ask him about them. If it is performance anxiety, you'll put him back to feeling stressed during sex.

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