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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Little Blue Pills

62 replies

LV2NY · 12/09/2021 23:05

I have been dating a really lovely guy for 18 months. We are committed and serious and see a future together. This is long term plans as I have children and about 8 months ago he had to move for work so we are now long distance.
Sex life from day one has been wonderful, no concerns really that couldn’t be put down to his inexperience and being quite shy/reserved about sex. Things have got better and better.
In the weekend I helped him shift house. I was packing towels into a box and at the back of the cupboard was an empty prescription box. It was for Viagra. The date on the box was for 3 weeks after we started having sex. I then checked his toilet bag and found more in there. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I would never have ever guessed based on his behaviour or our sex life that would suggest it. I couldn’t ask him about it at the time as he was at the new house unloading furniture. When he got back we were busy and he was very stressed from the move so there never seemed a good time to bring it up. I came home without discussing it with him. Because I was so shocked about it I discussed it with a friend, she started dating a guy at a similar time to me. I have decided to let him have his privacy on this issue and not bring it up. She thinks it’s deceitful of him to not tell me he is taking them and that discussing this with me would be normal. Him taking them is not affecting our sex life in any way and he might find me knowing distressing. I know for sure he doesn’t take them every time but the length of time of our relationship shows it’s an on going issue that he has sorted out. He knows how important this part of our relationship is to me and it must be so embarrassing to have to go to the doctor and chemist for them. I feel badly for him that he has this problem and the way he has resolved it shows he cares about me. I think it’s completely understandable given how private and reserved he is to keep this to himself. Would you find this acceptable or is my friend right?

OP posts:

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 05:33

I have made it pretty clear in my posts that I won’t be bringing it up with him. This is information I have found out accidentally. Our sex life is great and I don’t want to jeopardise that, knowing the sensitive person he is. All I want to do is love and protect him and I don’t see how discussing it with a friend means I care about him any less?

OP posts:

hellcatspangle · 13/09/2021 05:56

Erectile dysfunction isn't experienced by 'many men' across all agree groups at all.

What's that in-depth knowledge of yours based on?

GreyCarpet · 13/09/2021 06:12

@LV2NY

That's quite an infantiising comment tbh. You don't need to 'protect' him. A short course of viagra isn't something you need to 'protect' him from. Telling your friend isn't 'protecting' him as evidenced by her response to it.

He's an adult who has, for whatever reason, experienced a medical issue that he has sought help from the doctor for.

He doesn't need your input on it. Especially if it is a historic issue.

Discussing it with a friend shows you 'care about him less' because you have found out something very personal about him that he didn't want you to know and have not respected him by keeping it to yourself. You have broken a confidence he didn't even know he had placed in you.

And now you both know this and he is oblivious to it. I'd feel really uncomfortable about that if it were me.

sammylady37 · 13/09/2021 07:50

You describe him as “sensitive, private and reserved” yet you snooped (looking in his toilet bag after initially finding the tablets) and then blabbed his private medical information to your friend. That doesn’t show much respect or love for him, tbh. I would be furious if someone did this to me.

And when you state I can understand that but we are very very close and always talk about really personal stuff. She had a messy divorce and my husband died at a similar time and we were huge support to each other and are very similar and very close. I told her because I was so shocked and she calmed me down , it doesn’t justify you bleating to her at all. By all means, tell her something about you or your health if you so wish, but no matter how close you are to her you have no right to talk to her about his issues, particularly when it’s not even one that was causing you a problem.

I feel sorry for your partner.

girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 08:15

If I found out DP had discussed my sexual health with a friend we'd be over - no question. We have two kids and a mortgage. It's a massive betrayal of trust IMO.

I know this isn't what you're asking but I think it's a lot worse than you think it is.

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 08:42

Thanks everyone, have told him I found the empty box and sought advice from a close friend and because I broke his trust I have to end things.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 13/09/2021 08:59

Did you also tell him you snooped through his things to see what else you found, what your friend said and that you were so bothered he didn't tell you that you consulted strangers in the Internet too?

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 09:06

Absolutely GreyCarpet, to be honest I was so ashamed I sent him a link to this thread.

OP posts:

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/09/2021 09:20

Well done for taking responsibility for your actions, OP.

In general, though, I really don't get why Viagra is so widely seen as some kind of magic medication unlike no other, with automatic assumptions of betrayal, deceit or shady ulterior motives.

It's an everyday treatment for a common medical problem, to make a body part work properly when something has gone wrong. It's as absurd as finding an inhaler or paracetamol and assuming malfeasance - and the way that it's so frequently fetishised and shame imputed to it will only serve to perpetuate men's reluctance to talk about it with their partners in the first place.

sammylady37 · 13/09/2021 09:34

Well done for taking responsibility for your actions, OP

If you believe the op that she has told her partner, you need to check your sarcasm meter!

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 09:35

@sammylady37

Well done for taking responsibility for your actions, OP

If you believe the op that she has told her partner, you need to check your sarcasm meter!

😆😉

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 13/09/2021 09:38

@LV2NY - why all this drama and extreme actions/reactions? 🤷🏻‍♀️

You found viagra, had a massive overreaction, talked to a friend, talked to strangers online who all told you to chill. And chill was what you were gojng to do.

Now you ‘came clean and ended things’. Why?
This speaks more about you and some issues or insecurities you have in relationships.

There wasn’t any issues in your relationship. You are/were dating a somewhat less than macho man who was absolutely fine. He didn’t need your ‘help or support’ with sex issues - he didn’t have sex issues.
Occasional variation of erections is normal in men and blue pills are there to give men confidence.
No need to catastrophize.

@NiceGerbil - no one has said most men have ED. But most men have had an occasional loss of erection. They aren’t machines. And not every man is so confident as to not be affected.
If you think otherwise - you are naive and unfair.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/09/2021 09:44

f you believe the op that she has told her partner, you need to check your sarcasm meter!

Just going on what OP has said - twice. She might be lying, of course. The whole thread could be a lie. In fact, everything on this forum could be an entire lie. Who knows? As I was saying to Carrie this morning before I had an urgent press briefing....

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2021 09:47

That seems a really big reaction op, saying you were so shocked and needed your friend to calm you down. I think I’d explore why you reacted like that.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/09/2021 09:49

Actually, I've read it back and I do now detect more than a hint of possible sarcasm, where I was taking it on good faith.

If that's the case, there's not a lot of point to this thread in the first place, really, is there?

For all we know, the 'friend' could be not another person but just OP hedging her bets. Whatever.

Itsbeen84yearss · 13/09/2021 09:53

Definitely say nothing. It’s probably because he wants to impress you. He may not be using them
Every time. He may just like having them around ‘in case’. Not being able to perform is probably a worst nightmare for him. Def say nothing and don’t discuss it with anyone

MurielSpriggs · 13/09/2021 09:54

The OP seems like a bit of a twat. Do people really get into their forties and still behave like this?

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 09:58

On the contrary, the point of the thread was to determine whether my instinct or my friends was the common one. It became clear early on my instinct was right. I wasn’t asking for any moral judgements on anything else.

OP posts:

LastGirlSanding · 13/09/2021 09:58

I think you did nothing wrong tbh. In my view a healthy sex life means being able to discuss things like this. As for talking to your friend, I think people discuss their sex lives with friends. I think he’s overreacting by saying you broke his trust and must end things when he hid this from you for the entire relationship.

LastGirlSanding · 13/09/2021 10:01

Oh ok am confused that bit was a joke? Anyhow yea I think it’s fine to talk to a friend about something like this and i also think it’s something to discuss together. I do think he should have told you because communication is key and if someone feels close enough to be intimate with me over 18 months i’d want them to feel confident to discuss issues like ED with me.

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 10:06

@LastGirlSanding

I agree with what you said but now that I know what I know I will wait for him to discuss it with me and be supportive and understanding like am with everything in our relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 10:07

@Itsbeen84yearss

Definitely say nothing. It’s probably because he wants to impress you. He may not be using them Every time. He may just like having them around ‘in case’. Not being able to perform is probably a worst nightmare for him. Def say nothing and don’t discuss it with anyone

I think you have it spot on here!

OP posts:

Bonitalazenia · 13/09/2021 10:13

I happen to know that there is a black market around here for Viagra and it’s mainly young presumably virile men buying them…. Apparently it’s heightens sensation.

Marineboy67 · 13/09/2021 10:18

@NiceGerbil

I would be taken aback at finding bf took Viagra

OP isn't overreacting.

I suppose age is relevant here as well. But still. Erectile dysfunction isn't experienced by 'many men' across all agree groups at all.

Well NiceGerbil is obviously not a man and may well be a Gerbil given their naive and sweeping statement. Plenty of men over the age of 40 suffer erectile dysfunction at one time or another. This also increases in men as they progress through their 50's. Lots of men that are younger can suffer with performance anxiety as well as. Look at the emerging adverts on TV from NUMAN and a others. Suddenly your starting to see them everywhere on billboards and bus shelters. It's naive opinions expressed by the likes of NiceGerbil that create suspicion and hysteria that add to the problem. Most men that have some integrity will want to be able to satisfy their partner. If using a little blue 💙 pill along the way helps then why not.

Original poster

LV2NY · 13/09/2021 10:27

I appreciate your input but won’t have a bad word said against NiceGerbil, she is one of my few supporters!!

OP posts:

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