Is this daft idea: exH and Christmas invite

[Dartfordwarblerautumn]

I am recently divorced after 30 years. ExH has long term mental illness and it just wasn’t healthy for us to live together any more. Divorce was amicable, sad but we worked though split and moving on supportively and have been exchanging texts etc since. However I only asked for divorce in spring and it was very quick based on unreasonable behaviour so I’m still adjusting to my new life.
We have 2 adult DS in their twenties- both living independently, and a overnight trip distances form me. ExH moved another 200 miles away from me and them when splitting up
So Christmas! Last year xmas was cancelled at the last minute boris u-turn and we didn’t see either DS . Given I was going through difficult time with ExH I was pretty devastated as many people were.
My eldest DS has stated he will be going to his partners …whilst not over joyed at that , I was expecting it as his partners family is abroad and she’s not seen them in a very very long time. If they can’t travel they will come to mine- but that’ll be a last minute ditch plan.
So that would leave me and younger DS on our own- for first Xmas this seems very strange and weird. Difficult for younger DS who is also trying to deal with his parents splitting up even as a young adult.
I am seriously thinking of inviting ExH for Xmas day. He’d need to stay 2 nights minimum due to distance he now lives away from me. I also think it would work better if he stayed in a B&B for those nights rather than in my own (new) home so he is clearly a visitor for the day and not intruding into my personal space. But I have some reservations- what if he slips back into sort of behaviour associated with his illness over Xmas? Do I just need to move on and not do Xmas with him just to make it “better” for my DS. On the other hand, it seems a good way to “break the ice” in building a cooperative but separate relationship together that supports our adult sons together

What are your thoughts? Anyone with experience of doing this about what has worked and what hasn’t.

I wouldn't, if your DS is stuggling coming to terms with the split then its not fair to have the family back together for Christmas, it will only be a reminder of how his life used to be and he will need to adjust again afterwards.

Posted too soon! ..... I would use this first Christmas as an opportunity to make new traditions.

No experience but I think it's complicating things.
Everyone needs to move forward not backwards and like pp stated, it won't help your Son at all.
You need to focus on new beginnings and start as you mean to go on.
It may be strange just you and your ds however what will you do in the future if it's just you two again- keep on inviting your ex?

No, I wouldn't do that. If he lived around the corner then maybe, as he could go home in the evening. I wouldn't have him visit for such a long time. It'll be confusing for your son and it might confuse your ex, too - he might think that's going to be a regular thing.

It's the time to start new traditions.

No, I wouldn’t, might become an ongoing expectation.

Why don't you and ds2
go away somewhere? Maybe a cottage or something so there's room if ds1 and partner end up staying last minute.

@Noshowwithoutpunch

No experience but I think it's complicating things. Everyone needs to move forward not backwards and like pp stated, it won't help your Son at all. You need to focus on new beginnings and start as you mean to go on. It may be strange just you and your ds however what will you do in the future if it's just you two again- keep on inviting your ex?

As younger DS is not living at home now, and is with long term partner anyhow, I’m sort of on “borrowed time” for having either son home for Christmas regularly. New traditions were already made last year, and will be with elder DS away this year. I am hoping that pretty soon I start to get invites for. Hte sons to spend Xmas at theirs! And in all fairness they could also invite their dad to that at same time- and I don’t want to make that awkward for them. So, I am expecting every Xmas will now be different and time for family traditions has past on now. With them living so far away and their partners parents living far away as well there’s no way I’m going to be able to have any regular traditions actually at Xmas now. So, that was part of my thinking…just me and DS on our own feels a bit odd especially if ex is sitting 200 miles away on his own too!

@titchy

Why don't you and ds2 go away somewhere? Maybe a cottage or something so there's room if ds1 and partner end up staying last minute.

It is a good idea ….but…(sorry!) I can’t afford it..I’m retired now….and I don’t fancy trying to cook a Xmas dinner in a strange kitchen 😱. Or take risk well all be in lock down again and have to cancel. I’ve not been on holiday anywhere since well before lockdown last year.

@HollowTalk

No, I wouldn't do that. If he lived around the corner then maybe, as he could go home in the evening. I wouldn't have him visit for such a long time. It'll be confusing for your son and it might confuse your ex, too - he might think that's going to be a regular thing.

It's the time to start new traditions.

Why would it be confusing for anyone- he’s not child. They’ve grown up with their dads illness. I know he’ll think that it’ll save him having to travel on another 200 miles after Xmas day to see his dad and make it “fair” . And he will know why I’m suggesting it as I will explain. He’s already asked me if it’s an option? And no it’ll not be an expectation as I would say to ExH it is a 1-time becuase of this year’s circumstances and us both missing Xmas so much last year.

Why don't book a meal out? Or discuss with your son how you can "do" Christmas this year. It would be bonkers to try and recreate a traditional turkey feast for just 2 of you.

But no, don't invite your ex. It is too soon after the divorce and unless you are an absolute Zen Master, it is a recipe for all those tiny resentments to come bubbling up to the surface. Your son and ex, sat round while you run round cooking for them and trying to make it special? Nah.

I split form my ex 6 years ago and we have done every Christmas Day together with the kids (who are now 14 and 11)

It isn’t confusing for them and so I can’t see it would be confusing for your adult son .... HOWEVER it’s always just for Christmas Day and much as we get along it’s always a relief when he leaves and I get my home back

Christmas stirs up a lot of emotion and it was harder in the earlier years because by the end of the day my ex would be starting to wallow in self pity and my patience would be running out

A two night stay over for me would be far, far too much as it’s too long to spend with someone I’ve decided to separate from - all the irritations just come back to the surface IME

Only you know how you and he are likely to feel but I’d give it some very serious consideration to be honest

@MaudebeGonne

Why don't book a meal out? Or discuss with your son how you can "do" Christmas this year. It would be bonkers to try and recreate a traditional turkey feast for just 2 of you.

But no, don't invite your ex. It is too soon after the divorce and unless you are an absolute Zen Master, it is a recipe for all those tiny resentments to come bubbling up to the surface. Your son and ex, sat round while you run round cooking for them and trying to make it special? Nah.

Ok, drip feed…actually we are all very keen cooks and eaters! So I’d tasks them each with a course! ExH can come prepared with his course! And that’s why just 2 of us feels so pants…unwrapping presents just between us? Nah! Sharing a glass of bubbly just 2 of us..all very weird😳…

You say your son is not a child, so why treat him like one? Just ask him what he would prefer!

If he wants his dad there, the question then is do you?

I think only you can answer that, it depends on how you get on with your ex, whether you have any resentment or ill feeling, and also whether you think he will be able to behave.

I will be having my third Xmas since my stbexh left this year, and while I am fairly amicable with him, I couldn’t spend Xmas day with him. So I really respect you if you feel you are at a point where you could.

@Shylo

I split form my ex 6 years ago and we have done every Christmas Day together with the kids (who are now 14 and 11)

It isn’t confusing for them and so I can’t see it would be confusing for your adult son .... HOWEVER it’s always just for Christmas Day and much as we get along it’s always a relief when he leaves and I get my home back

Christmas stirs up a lot of emotion and it was harder in the earlier years because by the end of the day my ex would be starting to wallow in self pity and my patience would be running out

A two night stay over for me would be far, far too much as it’s too long to spend with someone I’ve decided to separate from - all the irritations just come back to the surface IME

Only you know how you and he are likely to feel but I’d give it some very serious consideration to be honest

Ok thanks for that advice. I was thinking 2 nights in B&B, so he comes to mine mid morning Xmas day after travelling Xmas eve ( he could always go for a late drink with DS when he arrives at a pub or something), and then leaves mine in evening Xmas day. Then on Boxing Day I was thinking we could all go for brunch somewhere and he could go home after. So just the day in my house. A bit like you. But point taken resentments and self pity

Talk to your son and let him know you're thinking of this. Give him a while to decide. If you both decide to invite your ex then you can of course make it clear that you expect him to sleep elsewhere. Even if you don't invite your ex, I think your son will appreciate knowing that you have been thinking of his dad, and that your son was included in the decision making.

I spend Christmas with my ex, and know others who do the same - it doesn't send mixed messages to the children, it can be a chance for them see you being adults just life having dinner with anyone else that you don't want to spend the rest of your luger with.

it can be a chance for them see you being adults just like having dinner with anyone else that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with.

Is there any other family members who could join you and ds just to make a little party of it or could ye go to anyone? I know a few situations when the ex comes for dinner but it's usually with younger children.

Have you asked DS? He might like the idea, pretty sure he won't like to think of his df sitting on his own at Christmas.
Then if DS agrees you can set some ground rules like EXH states in a b&b

@Shurl

You say your son is not a child, so why treat him like one? Just ask him what he would prefer!

If he wants his dad there, the question then is do you?

I already know he’d prefer it. I know the question is do I! That’s why I’m posting. My head says it’s a practical, pragmatic solution that would be nice for our son who will be without his big brother on Xmas day for first time too. In a house that is not his old family home. My discussion with him is that DS is already has a bit of a downer on what Xmas will be like with just me and him- which young man wants to spend Xmas with just his mum in an area where his old school mates don’t even live. It’s a bit call of duty, But my heart is saying this could be a big mistake…hence wanting to get others experience of whether it is a disaster waiting to happen

So you have divorced the dad but have suddenly realised the impact around christmas. This is what happens when you divorce, your ex may be preparing to invite their DC to his own home for xmas. You may be left on your own. The inviting an x for xmas can work but when my friends x was coming for xmas as they had a shared DC he clearly wanted them to reconcile. So be careful

@junebirthdaygirl

Is there any other family members who could join you and ds just to make a little party of it or could ye go to anyone? I know a few situations when the ex comes for dinner but it's usually with younger children.

Well this is confusing bit…so traditionally we always spent it on our own as a family. Both our parents passed away some years ago when kids were quite little. ExH had no other family. And due to his illness I never felt I could invite anyone or go and stay with my siblings- too much stress for me. I have now moved nearer to one of my siblings. They’ll probably suggest some sort of meeting up over Xmas IF They are at home for Xmas. I haven’t discussed Xmas with them,. I think it would be awkward to meet with them with ExH around…so I’m sort of limiting those options on Xmas day itself if I invite ExH . But it does still leave me and DS to do something on Xmas eve or hosing day with siblings family. Sibling might invite us for Xmas dinner- but their Xmas is very different from how ours used to be and to be honest I think it would make me sad thinking about Xmas past- I’m a sentimental old cow,

I had this for the first time a couple of years ago - it wasn't the first year post divorce but it was the first time post divorce that older adult child spent Christmas with her in laws

Younger adult child and I had a discussion and decided on a 2 night spa break, as Christmas lunch just the two of us would have felt weird
Then we cooked Christmas stuff when older adult child returned and had a late Christmas celebration
I'd have a chat to your son armed with a few alternatives
If his older brother will be visiting before or after Christmas could you do your foodie thing then and something alternative Christmas day?
I wouldn't invite your ex though, it could all go badly wrong, you need to move on and start new traditions

Hosing=boxing!

@mynameisbrian

So you have divorced the dad but have suddenly realised the impact around christmas. This is what happens when you divorce, your ex may be preparing to invite their DC to his own home for xmas. You may be left on your own. The inviting an x for xmas can work but when my friends x was coming for xmas as they had a shared DC he clearly wanted them to reconcile. So be careful

No I haven’t just realised🤦‍♀️I have always been fully aware. I also am aware that ex and I made commitments to our sons that we were still a parenting TEAM when we broke the news to them. ExH will not take precedent over invite for Xmas. He is fully aware that Xmas celebrations only happened historically because I enjoyed Xmas and did all the preps to make it special. He never “did” Xmas when he was on his own and even before kids were old enough to enjoy it he wasn’t bothered. He had a different upbringing that was very low key. However, New Year’s Eve he’d probably get precedent for- I ain’t bothered by it.