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Original poster

Is this daft idea: exH and Christmas invite

56 replies

Dartfordwarblerautumn · 12/09/2021 15:51

I am recently divorced after 30 years. ExH has long term mental illness and it just wasn’t healthy for us to live together any more. Divorce was amicable, sad but we worked though split and moving on supportively and have been exchanging texts etc since. However I only asked for divorce in spring and it was very quick based on unreasonable behaviour so I’m still adjusting to my new life.
We have 2 adult DS in their twenties- both living independently, and a overnight trip distances form me. ExH moved another 200 miles away from me and them when splitting up
So Christmas! Last year xmas was cancelled at the last minute boris u-turn and we didn’t see either DS . Given I was going through difficult time with ExH I was pretty devastated as many people were.
My eldest DS has stated he will be going to his partners …whilst not over joyed at that , I was expecting it as his partners family is abroad and she’s not seen them in a very very long time. If they can’t travel they will come to mine- but that’ll be a last minute ditch plan.
So that would leave me and younger DS on our own- for first Xmas this seems very strange and weird. Difficult for younger DS who is also trying to deal with his parents splitting up even as a young adult.
I am seriously thinking of inviting ExH for Xmas day. He’d need to stay 2 nights minimum due to distance he now lives away from me. I also think it would work better if he stayed in a B&B for those nights rather than in my own (new) home so he is clearly a visitor for the day and not intruding into my personal space. But I have some reservations- what if he slips back into sort of behaviour associated with his illness over Xmas? Do I just need to move on and not do Xmas with him just to make it “better” for my DS. On the other hand, it seems a good way to “break the ice” in building a cooperative but separate relationship together that supports our adult sons together

What are your thoughts? Anyone with experience of doing this about what has worked and what hasn’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dartfordwarblerautumn · 12/09/2021 17:07

@TheQueenOfTheNight

it can be a chance for them see you being adults just like having dinner with anyone else that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with.

Yep, this is my rational thought process…if some folks invite randoms for Xmas dinner why the hell couldn’t I cope with one day with ex There again the heart is saying, whoa….

OP posts:

TwoBlueFish · 12/09/2021 17:10

My mum used to have my ex-step-dad over for present unwrapping Christmas morning for several years after they split as my 2 youngest brothers liked it (and he lived locally).

If you are fairly amicable then I think your idea sounds good. Does he have friends nearby so he could maybe go there on Boxing Day?

StrongArm · 12/09/2021 17:17

I always did Xmas lunch with exh and the kids. We all enjoyed it tbh!

Now the kids are adults and have their own lives we don't do it anymore but I don't see any harm in it!

The dynamics change when one of you gets a new partner (we carried on doing it but I appreciate not everyone would!)

Original poster

Dartfordwarblerautumn · 12/09/2021 17:20

@StrongArm

I always did Xmas lunch with exh and the kids. We all enjoyed it tbh!

Now the kids are adults and have their own lives we don't do it anymore but I don't see any harm in it!

The dynamics change when one of you gets a new partner (we carried on doing it but I appreciate not everyone would!)

Well there’s no chance I’d go for a new partner 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

Dartfordwarblerautumn · 12/09/2021 17:22

@TwoBlueFish

My mum used to have my ex-step-dad over for present unwrapping Christmas morning for several years after they split as my 2 youngest brothers liked it (and he lived locally).

If you are fairly amicable then I think your idea sounds good. Does he have friends nearby so he could maybe go there on Boxing Day?

No. Unfortunately not. His mental health issues means he didn’t socialise. He literally has his sons as friends now. I’m very conscious of that.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2021 17:23

If your DC are adults I’m not clear why you still need to be a parenting team? Obviously you will see each other at significant events , and be great if amicable but what parenting do you need to do together now?

TheHouseIsOnFire · 12/09/2021 17:30

My XH comes to mine for Xmas day most years. I still live in the Ex family home and he will come over in the morning for gift opening and stay for lunch. A couple of times we’ve all been over to my DP’s house for Xmas lunch with him and his ex, and some of her family too!! It sounds like madness but it meant I got to spend the day with DP, and all the kids got to spend with with both parents.

As my DC get older I’ll be happier with them spending it elsewhere tbh but I don’t think DP ever will. So if I want to spend the day with him, it will most likely always be with his ex in the mix too.

I must admit I’m half looking forward to a day when I can just spend it alone but in the meantime I just make it super easy, don’t cook a roast etc, so no hassle. Kids aren’t confused by it as they’re teenagers and understand full well that he doesn’t live here, and why. It just makes sense. It’s not about needing to move on etc it’s just a practicality to get all the right people in the right places. FWIW XH is away this year so it will just be me and the DCs and will probably be a bit of an anti climax!

Datsandcogs · 12/09/2021 17:38

My parents split when I was a toddler. Until I was a teenager I had to alternate Christmases, I found it very hard to go to my Dad’s with very different traditions. Then, for multiple reasons, Dad started coming to ours for Christmas (even after Mum remarried), it was a much nicer compromise for me.

As long as ExH understands the boundaries I think inviting him would be a very kind gesture, as long as DS2 is happy with the idea. I think ExH staying locally to you but not with you is also a good idea.

waterSpider · 12/09/2021 18:06

I think it's fine in the early years of separation. Certainly something I did, with younger children involved. As others have said, new partners can tend to be the end of such things, in future.

mynameisbrian · 12/09/2021 18:12

TheHouseIsOnFire sorry to go off topic but why are you in your ex 'family' home.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 18:15

I can't really see a problem with this? Your younger son is an adult, he's not going to find it "confusing" in the way a young child might.

Original poster

Dartfordwarblerautumn · 12/09/2021 18:16

@MsPavlichenko

Do you ever stop being a parent? So things like financial support, keeping each other aware of emotional/work issues/events so both able to support in a cooperative way. Not making them have to choose who they spend Xmas with in terms of feeling guilty As I say maybe I’m being daft? But I just think it helps adults too if you know your parents are united in their support for you?

OP posts:

Jerseygirl12 · 12/09/2021 21:01

Have a 4 course meal so you and your DS prepare 2 each.

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2021 21:38

Of course we still support our adult DC. It doesn’t have to be as a team. You’re not a team anymore. I’m not suggesting an amicable approach is not achievable but that doesn’t mean a joint approach is needed for adult DC. It’s one of the most difficult things to get used to. Doing things separately, but I do think it needs to be faced, and I get your XH health issues are an issue for you. But you are apart , and I think you need to accept that as do your DC. That’s without the added complication of future partners.

Regarding Christmas, I’d be wary of setting any precedents. The first year is difficult even for those who wanted out of the relationship. Postponing it to next year is simply that. I’m not suggesting it will never be a possibility but it probably is not wise this year. Let your DS decide where he wants to be then plan around that for yourself.

Lolabray · 12/09/2021 21:38

you’ve divorced and should move on now. I know it’s hard and hard for the kids but he has to learn to be alone/make other plans IMO

TheHouseIsOnFire · 12/09/2021 21:40

@mynameisbrian

TheHouseIsOnFire sorry to go off topic but why are you in your ex 'family' home.

As in former marital home - the home where we lived when we were married. He moved out. I stayed put. (The ‘ex’ capitalised itself in my post which may have confused things!)

MozzarellaMonster · 12/09/2021 21:41

From your posts it's seems like you are leaning to wanting to do this, as long as rules are clear there couldn't be much harm in it, obviously it's hard without knowing the extent of you ex DH issues but you know him and as long as you think he won't cause issues seems like it would be ok.

chillied · 12/09/2021 22:01

personally, I wouldn't fancy this. I'd rather assemble a group I'd like to be with. A similarly foodie friend? What about any of DS2's friends?

crimsonlake · 12/09/2021 22:12

I think you are trying to be thoughtful, however you seem to be assuming that your ex wony have plans of his own

GreyCarpet · 13/09/2021 06:42

My exh came back to mine for Christmas day for the first 3 or 4 years after we separated. It wasn't particularly amicable but neither was it acrimonious.

My children were 6 and 13 at the time of the split. It worked well for us and I have no regrets. The children weren't confused by it amd didn't expect any more. They were happy to say goodbye to him at the end of the day.

It's a very personal decision. Maybe speak to your son about it and see how he feels first.

If he has other plans, he'll just decline the invitation.

SGBK4682 · 13/09/2021 07:15

If you want to do it to please your DS, and you feel ok with it, I think you should. Just make your boundaries very clear. Eg give him a time to arrive for lunch, like you would any other guest.

I don't think it sets a precedent. It sounds like this is the first year your older DS hasn't been there for Christmas (I may be wrong) so it is a big change for your younger DS and just because he is an adult doesn't mean you can't indulge his wishes. IF you really feel it could work for you. If it feels you with dread, then dont and explain why to your son.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, only what feels right to you.

SGBK4682 · 13/09/2021 07:18

PS I was talking to an old friend recently about his ex (divorced several years and not exactly friendly with each other) and whether they still needed "parenting" discussions now their kids are late 20s and he said they did. Obviously it's not about looking after the kids as such but there are still areas of common interest. So still a need to be a 'team' in some way.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 13/09/2021 07:37

@MsPavlichenko

Just because DC are adults doesn't mean co-parenting is unnecessary, surely? It amazes me that MN downplays parenting of grown DC so much. Adults can get ill, scared, poor, lonely, confused. Surely it's right to maintain the backup parenting team for those eventualities, if possible?

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 07:40

Did you split this spring op? If so it's too soon. Maybe NEXT Christmas it would be ok to come together again. But this Christmas do as a pp suggests and make new traditions with your youngest son

JustThisLastLittleBit · 13/09/2021 07:47

OP my XH came to Christmas at my place for a couple of years until he got a DP, and he still comes to spend quality time with adult DCs at other times as there is space here. He does a few chores for me too 😊. Sometimes he becomes erratic (MH issues) but by and large it's fine, quite fun actually, and I think it makes the DC happy. Our respective DPs make themselves scarce, they cope pretty well as they know XH and I are just friends and the family is so important.

So glad we've taken this approach as there seems to be big health trouble brewing for one DC so the mum and dad team will be needed again 😕

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