Is this daft idea: exH and Christmas invite

[Dartfordwarblerautumn]

I am recently divorced after 30 years. ExH has long term mental illness and it just wasn’t healthy for us to live together any more. Divorce was amicable, sad but we worked though split and moving on supportively and have been exchanging texts etc since. However I only asked for divorce in spring and it was very quick based on unreasonable behaviour so I’m still adjusting to my new life.
We have 2 adult DS in their twenties- both living independently, and a overnight trip distances form me. ExH moved another 200 miles away from me and them when splitting up
So Christmas! Last year xmas was cancelled at the last minute boris u-turn and we didn’t see either DS . Given I was going through difficult time with ExH I was pretty devastated as many people were.
My eldest DS has stated he will be going to his partners …whilst not over joyed at that , I was expecting it as his partners family is abroad and she’s not seen them in a very very long time. If they can’t travel they will come to mine- but that’ll be a last minute ditch plan.
So that would leave me and younger DS on our own- for first Xmas this seems very strange and weird. Difficult for younger DS who is also trying to deal with his parents splitting up even as a young adult.
I am seriously thinking of inviting ExH for Xmas day. He’d need to stay 2 nights minimum due to distance he now lives away from me. I also think it would work better if he stayed in a B&B for those nights rather than in my own (new) home so he is clearly a visitor for the day and not intruding into my personal space. But I have some reservations- what if he slips back into sort of behaviour associated with his illness over Xmas? Do I just need to move on and not do Xmas with him just to make it “better” for my DS. On the other hand, it seems a good way to “break the ice” in building a cooperative but separate relationship together that supports our adult sons together

What are your thoughts? Anyone with experience of doing this about what has worked and what hasn’t.

The problem is that you're also worried about your ex husband's behaviour because of how he has behaved in the past. So if you invite him, you will be stressing about it for the next 4 months.

Better to leave it and sort your own christmases out. No need to still look after him. And if your children feel bad for their father then talk to them and suggest they alternate years etc?

Things change once they have girlfriends and wives. My eldest last year spent a few hours with his dad, then had christmas dinner with me and his siblings, then went to his girlfriend's and then back to mine with his girlfriend. I had my boyfriend and his kids over too. But this Christmas it may be different and it'll be fine.

@MsPavlichenko

If your DC are adults I’m not clear why you still need to be a parenting team? Obviously you will see each other at significant events , and be great if amicable but what parenting do you need to do together now?

I’ve been wondering this tbh. I appreciate that you want to keep an amicable relationship, and that’s definitely a good thing for your sons because, mo matter what age you are, getting stuck between warring parents is shit. Honestly I don’t think it’s a great idea to have ex for Christmas, it just seems a bit unnecessary and you said yourself, the heart is saying hell no. I do think Christmas with young adult children must be very hard as the traditions fall by the wayside and they get their own priorities and plans, but this year, I think a nice chilled Christmas with just you and DS2 could be lovely.

@JustThisLastLittleBit

OP my XH came to Christmas at my place for a couple of years until he got a DP, and he still comes to spend quality time with adult DCs at other times as there is space here. He does a few chores for me too 😊. Sometimes he becomes erratic (MH issues) but by and large it's fine, quite fun actually, and I think it makes the DC happy. Our respective DPs make themselves scarce, they cope pretty well as they know XH and I are just friends and the family is so important.

So glad we've taken this approach as there seems to be big health trouble brewing for one DC so the mum and dad team will be needed again 😕

💐sorry to hear about dd health issues

I don't think it's really possible to give useful advice. This isn't a one-size-fits-all situation and there's no blanket rule. It's a nice idea that could work out in some situations, and a road to disaster in others.

The thing for OP to remember is that she can set all the boundaries she needs to be comfortable with this, including not inviting the ex at all. If she does she can gently tell him what behaviour won't be tolerated; set a time limit on when he's round for; pre-empt things that might trigger unpleasantness. OP - you are in control of this, you get to do what you think you need to do for it to work out.

@gannett

I don't think it's really possible to give useful advice. This isn't a one-size-fits-all situation and there's no blanket rule. It's a nice idea that could work out in some situations, and a road to disaster in others.

The thing for OP to remember is that she can set all the boundaries she needs to be comfortable with this, including not inviting the ex at all. If she does she can gently tell him what behaviour won't be tolerated; set a time limit on when he's round for; pre-empt things that might trigger unpleasantness. OP - you are in control of this, you get to do what you think you need to do for it to work out.

Thanks for that advice which boils down to despite what everyone advises your going to have to decide this as no easy answer . I was feeling like It was either nooooo! “You need to move on/it’ll blur the boundaries” ( but I really don’t understand what exactly are examples of that that posters refer to- what does it mean to “move on” or examples of boundaries being blurred? On the other hand there are also quite a few that say they have done this without unmitigated disasters.

Well it is either a yes or no isn’t it? You are clearly inclined to listen to those who say yes.

I don’t think boundaries are blurred given your DC are adults and presumably understand you are apart. I do think you are postponing the inevitable reality of it in relation to Christmas. It’s not the same, one of you might be alone and it’s not going to feel great ( the first year at least).