I cant stand my partner

[Mamabear9119]

Help
TW

Abit of back story, I’ve been with my partner close to 10 years, we have a 3 year old and have lived together almost all of our relationship. When I felt pregnant he changed almost immediately, stopped working, stopped looking after himself, slept all day, and started sleeping on the sofa. Once I had the baby he went off the rails, always out, didn’t contribute or ever help me with the baby. He never done a night feed, or helped in any way during my recovery after birth where I had numerous complications. I had post natal depression and at one point was extremely suicidal. When I finally went to the doctors to get help he screamed at me for going because SS had to be contacted. He told me I was stupid for taking medication and eventually convinced me to come off them. During this time we had moved and due to him not working I had to support us all financially so I ended up in a significant amount of debt. From my daughter has been born we’ve never slept in the same bed and have rarely slept until together, he blames me for having my daughter in the bed however I was breastfeeding so it meant I got to sleep.

I’ve told him for two years how unhappy I am but he won’t listen, he just walks out or changes the conversation. The most recent time I tried to end it he told me I’m making him not want to live anymore and that he needs me and our child needs us to be together. When I kicked him out he had nowhere to go and was sleeping in the car which I felt awful for. His mother constantly makes excuses for him, but she won’t let him live with her.

He’s never cheated on me or give me reason to believe he has. He always tells me he has never been bad to me why am I so hard on him and I feel guilty.

I can’t stand my partner and I totally mean this. I hate when he talks, when he touches me, anything he does absolutely sends me into overdrive. He constantly pesters me for sex and the thought of it makes me want to run away, I have to be drunk to even go there. He has shocking personal hygiene, he never cleans, doesn’t lift up after himself, doesn’t pay any bills or give me any money towards the household. He sleeps all the time and can never hold a job. I’m so unhappy it’s actually draining the life out of me. Recently some of his comments have concerned me, he is a misogynist and it infuriates me. He has to know how unhappy I am but he’s ignoring it. I feel like he’s stealing my life, I’m so dreadfully depressed with this situation.

What can I do. Am I the wrong one? I don’t know if I’m being unfair like he says

He's not stealing your life. You're giving it to him.

I say this gently, but you are the one allowing this nightmare to continue, no one else. Where he goes is not your problem, and he is absolutely deplorable in every way.

If you want to reclaim your life you need to take action and massively raise your standards.. Kick him out and don't look back. You've wasted enough of your life on him already.

Leave. Think of your daughter, is this the kind of relationship you want to model for her? You're practically a single parent as it is so him not being around shouldn't impact day-to-day. Think about what he's telling you by ignoring you when you're unhappy. He's sending you a message that he doesn't care about your happiness so why should you care about his?

It sounds like you are at the end of your relationship with him but some emotions / ties are keeping you there.
Until you have the guts to leave , start up a secret fund , even if it's just a few pounds a week, but put away as much as you can , as often as you can.
That way once everything falls into place and you feel you can go , at least you have some savings behind you.

Sounds like he deserves to spend the rest of his life sleeping in the car TBH

You are allowing it to continue.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship. If it isn't working for you, then that's a good enough reason.
You're not married, he doesn't contribute...maybe the question should be why should you stay? You don't owe him anything, the fact that he is your child's father doesn't make you responsible for him.

What's your housing situation, your name or joint? If it's in your name only then chuck him out pronto.

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg

You are not in the wrong and you are absolutely not being unfair. He seems to bring nothing to your life but misery. You are allowed to end a relationship because you don’t want to be in it. His threats of suicide will just be threats and a way to keep you in this toxic relationship. When you split up if he says he can’t go on etc then you contact the police and tell them he’s threatened suicide and then he can access the help he needs (which he probably won’t need as it’s just empty threats).

Your daughter is 3. You’ve stayed long enough. You need and deserve happiness and freedom.

Do yourself a favour. Get rid.

@Mamabear9119

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg

Um, that's not his decision. He doesn't have the liberty to make that choice. Tell him he leaves now or you're calling the police. They will show him the door.

But you said that you’ve kicked him out before, so why can’t you do it again ?
I’m beginning to smell a rat 🤔

@Mamabear9119

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg

Then you wait until he is out and change the locks. Get friends/family involved if needed. If he comes back then you call the police. Give him notice to leave if you want to but stick to your deadline.

@GoodnightGrandma

But you said that you’ve kicked him out before, so why can’t you do it again ? I’m beginning to smell a rat 🤔

He was sleeping in the car and telling me I was making him not want to live anymore so I took him back because I felt guilty

He relied on you feeling guilty. Change the locks and leave his stuff outside. He's had plenty of notice.

If you think this is anyway normal then you need therapy. You can get him out, you just have to mean it.
This is no way to live.

Why are you begging? Tell him to go, he's never going to make you happy and he needs to stand on his own two feet as you are done with him.

TELL HIM TO GO and see it through.

He was sleeping in the car and telling me I was making him not want to live anymore so I took him back because I felt guilty

Stop being a doormat, and stop listening to his bullshit. You're just making excuses. Do the right thing for your child and get rid of him.

Thank you everyone, you are all totally right I’m letting him do this to me. I will tell him I need him to leave

Dump him. This time don't let him back in. He can sleep in the car for good and/or go home to his mother.

As someone already said, he isn't stealing your life. You are giving it to him. Kick him out.

Is your home rented or owned? In whose name?

If you are not married and he has no claim on your home , call the police and ask their advice / would they come to help evict.

@Mamabear9119

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg

Don't beg. Mean it. Get family backup if needed.

If you have family or friends, get them round while you tell him to leave. If not, request help from the police.
Be clear. He is leaving and not coming back. You aren't sorry for him any more.
Even if you get lonely and miss him, you can't have him back. This is for you, for your life and for your dd's life.
Get help and get him out of your life.

Dd or ds. Sorry.