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Original poster

I cant stand my partner

90 replies

Mamabear9119 · 11/09/2021 17:05

Help
TW

Abit of back story, I’ve been with my partner close to 10 years, we have a 3 year old and have lived together almost all of our relationship. When I felt pregnant he changed almost immediately, stopped working, stopped looking after himself, slept all day, and started sleeping on the sofa. Once I had the baby he went off the rails, always out, didn’t contribute or ever help me with the baby. He never done a night feed, or helped in any way during my recovery after birth where I had numerous complications. I had post natal depression and at one point was extremely suicidal. When I finally went to the doctors to get help he screamed at me for going because SS had to be contacted. He told me I was stupid for taking medication and eventually convinced me to come off them. During this time we had moved and due to him not working I had to support us all financially so I ended up in a significant amount of debt. From my daughter has been born we’ve never slept in the same bed and have rarely slept until together, he blames me for having my daughter in the bed however I was breastfeeding so it meant I got to sleep.

I’ve told him for two years how unhappy I am but he won’t listen, he just walks out or changes the conversation. The most recent time I tried to end it he told me I’m making him not want to live anymore and that he needs me and our child needs us to be together. When I kicked him out he had nowhere to go and was sleeping in the car which I felt awful for. His mother constantly makes excuses for him, but she won’t let him live with her.

He’s never cheated on me or give me reason to believe he has. He always tells me he has never been bad to me why am I so hard on him and I feel guilty.

I can’t stand my partner and I totally mean this. I hate when he talks, when he touches me, anything he does absolutely sends me into overdrive. He constantly pesters me for sex and the thought of it makes me want to run away, I have to be drunk to even go there. He has shocking personal hygiene, he never cleans, doesn’t lift up after himself, doesn’t pay any bills or give me any money towards the household. He sleeps all the time and can never hold a job. I’m so unhappy it’s actually draining the life out of me. Recently some of his comments have concerned me, he is a misogynist and it infuriates me. He has to know how unhappy I am but he’s ignoring it. I feel like he’s stealing my life, I’m so dreadfully depressed with this situation.

What can I do. Am I the wrong one? I don’t know if I’m being unfair like he says

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 11/09/2021 17:35

He’s manipulating you into believing that he will self harm, that’s his issue and not yours, your not responsible for a grown mans adults.

Leave, spent time on yourself and be happy.

dottiedodah · 11/09/2021 17:38

Bloody hell OP ,He needs to go like yesterday! See a Solicitor for advice.If its your home surely he can be made to leave? Can you sell and move on ? This is a terrible example to your DD .He is literally a leech !

ChargingBuck · 11/09/2021 17:38

@Mamabear9119

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg
This is the crux of your problem. Why do you feel you need to "beg"?

It's your home, he contributes nothing, he makes your skin crawl & he's so unpleasant to live with that even his own mother won;t house him.

Tell him to leave your home today.
If he's not out within an hour, call the police.

His 'suicide' threats are not your responsibility (& he doesn't mean them, you know it's pure manipulation). He he makes another one - call the police, who will do a welfare check. It is not up to you to house or rescue this man in any way.

Stop begging & get telling.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 11/09/2021 17:39

Was he ok before you had the baby?
If yes just wondering why he had a complete personality flip.

findnonnaadress · 11/09/2021 17:40

Yes he sounds dreadful.
You're wasting your life living this way.

Tell him to leave. Change the locks. Don't let him back in. Agree access to DC via family mediator or solicitor if you can't come to an agreement.

Life has to be better than this..

NotaCoolMum · 11/09/2021 17:42

@TheFoundations

He's not stealing your life. You're giving it to him.
Best thing I’ve read on here.
katemuff · 11/09/2021 17:44

@TheFoundations

He's not stealing your life. You're giving it to him.
This☝️ He is abusing you financially and emotionally. He's a terrible partner and a terrible father. Get him out. And if he sleeps in the car report him to the police for a welfare check. And tell them he's not allowed in your home.
Calmdown14 · 11/09/2021 17:45

You only get one life. Don't waste it on this idiot.
He is not your responsibility to fix. He is an adult that can still have a relationship with his child.
I can't understand why you feel guilty for doing what is right for your daughter. Better to have separated parents than to model her future adult relationships on this nightmare.
Telling him it is over and getting him out will mean a few weeks of difficulty til he gets the message. Staying is a life time of unhappiness

moch · 11/09/2021 17:47

OP, you could have the house to yourself and your lovely DD. Drinking wine and watching cartoons with her on Saturday morning. On Xmas day, it could be just the two of you listening to Xmas carols and cosying up together on the sofa and then opening presents in your pjs. Afterwards, you could go out and visit anyone you both want or play in the park Smile. You could have the lot that by Xmas OR you could spend the next few months looking after this stinking, lazy, good for nothing man child. On Xmas day, he will snoring or groping you after he’s got blind drunk. The choice is yours.

blacksax · 11/09/2021 17:49

His mum won't let him live with her? I can't imagine why. Confused

Kick the loser out. If he won't go, then call the police to assist you, and tell them that SS have already been involved. You might also mention that he is a sex pest. And once he's gone, if he starts contacting you, trying to come back and manipulating you with the not wanting to live nonsense again, then call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on him.

He's NOT your responsibility. Don't let him ruin any more of your and your dc's lives.

ButterflyAway · 11/09/2021 17:49

If it’s your home and he is refusing to leave you can call the police and they will remove him.

BlackIsQueen · 11/09/2021 17:51

Do you need help making a plan to get him gone? Understanding that he is not your problem is key for you, I think.

You are only responsible for your kid and for you. That's it. If you were programmed by your childhood to be codependent, it can feel impossible to understand that you are allowed to have boundaries.

But you can't live like this anymore mate. Set yourself free of him, join a self-help group (like Coda), buy a book. Let Operation Freedom begin

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 17:51

Don't tell him now. Tell him in the morning that he has to leave. It's outrageous that you're being treated like that.

Notaroadrunner · 11/09/2021 17:53

@Mamabear9119

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg
Beg? Just fuck him out. It's your home. Pack his things, change the locks and wave him off.
pinkyredrose · 11/09/2021 17:54

I will tell him I need him to leave

Make sure you get your keys back first. OP he's not likely to take you seriously, are there any friends who can be with you when you tell him?

HollowTalk · 11/09/2021 18:05

In this situation it's always the woman's home. This sort of cocklodger has never got his own place.

It's going to feel like Christmas when he does go!

Bananalanacake · 11/09/2021 18:44

Who cares if he kills himself? he's not contributing any money towards your DC and once he's dead he can't be in your home anymore, except he won't as he's doing it to manipulate you.

poppymaewrite · 11/09/2021 18:47

Do you think he's depressed too?

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 11/09/2021 18:55

In my jurisdiction, you would need to formally evict. Provide a Notice, etc. Then you would need to get law enforcement involved for removal.
You might get some legal advice, just to CYA.

SarahBellam · 11/09/2021 18:55

It doesn’t matter if he’s depressed. OP loathes him. He contributes nothing to her life or her daughter’s life. It’s time to kick him out. He’s no longer her responsibility.

TheFoundations · 11/09/2021 19:02

He may be depressed but focusing on that isn't good advice for OP. His depression is his own responsibility. It's certainly not on OP to worry about his psychological state. He is superlatively unconcerned about hers.

Original poster
Mamabear9119 · 11/09/2021 19:21

I believe he is depressed and I have tried to help him, I’ve even rang his GP for him to access help but he doesn’t want to help himself.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 11/09/2021 19:32

I forgot to mention it’s my home, but he won’t leave no matter how much I beg

Tricky as police will not help. If he won’t go willingly, can you change the locks when he’s out? He is not your responsibility, only your child is. He’s pestering you for sex when his personal hygiene is so awful? Lord above, tell him to fuck off and MEAN it. You’re going to have to woman up. Imagine this situation just continuing for another 10 years!

HotSauceCommittee · 11/09/2021 21:20

Will you be safe if you tell him to go, OP?
If there has been anything physical from him in the past, you will need back up.

Augtwo · 11/09/2021 21:26

I think you need to be honest for his own good and your sake OP. If he wasn't like this before what has caused this?

Tell him you don't want to have sex with him as he has poor hygiene and its disgusting.

I'm not surprised you think he hasn't cheated!