How to you leave a nice person.

[MrsRAF]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 years and have 1ds. My partner is an amazing father.

I turned 40 recently and was hit by a huge wave of sadness as if I’ve wasted my life.

In my head I want my partner to cheat so I have a reason to leave.

I have a fantastic relationship with his mother.

But I’m just unhappy and suffering a major depressive period. I’m sad because I don’t see happiness if I stay or if I go. We are unmarried and we live in his house, he owned before we met and I would never ask for something I hadn’t paid for. We do own a small house which is rented out it is only 1 bedroom and not suitable for me plus a child.

I would struggle financially and it would be a huge lifestyle change for both me and my son. I would expect to co patent so would not be entitled to child support.

My partner is a lovely man through this period he has been incredibly supportive and paying for a very expensive therapist.
What do you do when you think you’ll be unhappy either way?

I think you need to continue in therapy before you make any life-changing decisions. From what you've said, you aren't clear whether it's your relationship that's making you unhappy or your depression.

If you are confident that the relationship is wrong, that you don't love him, then you need to separate, but please ensure you are certain of that first. You say twice in your post that you don't know if you would be happy if you left, which makes me think this is about something more than your relationship?

40 is a milestone. I loved my 40s (now early 50s and loving them too) but I remember feeling quite low and panicky in the run up to turning 40 without really knowing why. After all, the alternative was to die, which was not preferable.

Your 40s are actually a brilliant time (50s even more so, I would say) because you've really lived a bit - you have accumulated some wisdom and are probably able to be a bit more chilled about many things too. And you also most certainly have many more decades before you - plenty of time to achieve things you haven't yet done.

It sounds like you are depressed and that may be affecting your outlook on things and therapy and maybe medication too can be really helpful.

Also - check out your hormones. I was peri-menopausal for more or less my entire 40s. I'd always suffered from PMT somewhat, but I found in my 40s that in the run-up to my period I felt completely wretched and doom-laden, like the world was about to end. Once I connected it with my hormones, it was easier to understand it and not pay too much attention to it. No doubt there were remedies I could have taken if I'd wanted to also.

Other friends in their 40s had similar experiences. Also, a lot of us found drawn to nature and gardening and got particular pleasure from those kinds of activities.

I'm quite a hippy and love the sense of moving into the wise woman archetype. It may not be for you. But if it is interesting to you, you might be interested to read some of the amazing literature that's around for women. Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes is a great one about women, stories and feminine power or the Heroine's Journey by Maureen Burdock.

Sorry but this sounds very selfish. You admit that you’re depressed. Is that his fault?? You really can’t blame him that you have wasted your life unless he is controlling you in some way.

I feel it is selfish but I also have no desire to stay in a relationship that is unhappy. I am not blaming him for my depression.
He’s very supportive which makes it harder to split.
I’m worried that I will still be unhappy as it will be a financial struggle for me, whilst we are not rich we are comfortable.

Have you spoken to the GP ? Are you on antidepressants ?
I ask because I’d look at that before making a move.

OP a question:

Why are you not asking “I’m depressed, it’s not my partner’s fault, so how do I treat it?”

As opposed to “I’m depressed, it’s not my partner’s fault, so how do I leave him?”

Is there another man in the wings?

I think a lot of people question their lives in their 40s, regrets for paths not taken etc. A good partner is not to be discarded lightly so I would make sure you definitely want to end things.

A couple of books you might find interesting
www.amazon.co.uk/Midlife-Crisis-Opportunity-Forty-Fifty-Something/dp/0995540314/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid&sr

www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Curve-Better-After-Midlife/dp/1472960971/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&s=books&keywords=Happiness+curve&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1631381985&sr=1-1

We're missing the piece in the middle.

Depression > ??? > Leave 18 year relationship with nice man to be poor single mother.

Well something needs to change, you only get one life!

I would agree with what someone said up thread about the peri menopause - people don’t really talk about it enough, but I felt terribly depressed, and had no incidence of depression previously. No amount of therapy would have helped without HRT.

Don't understand why, if you have been together for 18 years ,that you still consider it his house and feel you have no entitlement to it. Has he said this? Why are you not more involved financially.? Are you angry underneath that your name has never been put on it..that your relationship hasn't progressed? I just feel l would really resent him if l had given 18 years of my life but was not considered to have any part of the home.
I may be completely off the mark but this what occurred to me when you said you wouldn't expect anything after 18 years..

There is no other man.

I have spoken to my GP and I am seeing a therapist. It’s the discussion with the therapist that has identified that it’s probably my relationship making me unhappy.

I have to get my bloods taken as a urine test showed I’m potentially peri menopause and I certainly won’t make a hasty decision.

But I was just wondering if anyone else had experience similar. I know I sound selfish but we all only get 1 life.

How exactly did you reach that conclusion with your therapist?

In answer to the question about it being his house. It’s my home I’ve picked everything in it and he refers to it as ours. But this house was paid for before we met ( gift off his parents). I wouldn’t take anything that I hadn’t contributed to.

I wouldn’t make any decision until you have sorted out the depression.
You must have said something to the therapist that you haven’t said here for them to think the cause of the unhappiness is your relationship.

I think you are going through a combination of things 1) depression 2) a need to move forward with your life without a relationship 3) a common mid life crisis feeling of reflecting back on your life a what you have or have not achieved. Firstly deal with your depression with continuing with therapy. If that has revealed that your relationship may be the cause just pause for a while until you are 100% certain it is. You have been together from early 20s, we changed dramatically over those years. Its ok to leave a relationship if it isn't working for you in the present day. Remember that you may still not find happiness with any living/relationship or family situation you move on to. It is a cliche but you have to find happiness from within, if you find that then any life situation you find yourself in you will still feel joy. Keep going with the therapy for now.

It's really unclear what you are unhappy about in your relationship, sorry!

You say your partner is lovely and supportive, you haven't said he's abusive, you haven't described why you think leaving might improve your life and as you note, you'll have less support, not be with your child half the time and will struggle more financially. That's worth weighing up if the problems in your relationship can't be fixed, but it's not at all clear from what you've written that they can't be (or even what they are).

Presuming there isn't something significant you haven't disclosed, honestly, I would focus on therapy (find a new therapist...) and push through to 41 before even thinking about crystalising this decision.

It seems very mid life crisis-ish and I think you may come to terribly regret it when he's moved on with someone else and doesn't want to reconcile. It could easily be the regret of your life.

It sounds to me like you are unhappy in general rather than unhappy with him? If he is as lovely as you say (and he does sound nice) just remember the grass isn't necessarily greener.

Hey OP. Sorry you're feeling like this. I do think it's fine to leave a nice person if you want to - there are lots of nice people, you don't have to be in a relationship with all of them, and a terrible row/abuse isn't a qualifying requirement to break up. I notice on here people often have to somehow prove their entitlement to leave, but not being happy is perfectly valid.

But. When I went through peri and menopause, I did think it must be responsible for loads of divorces. It's really difficult to conclude that all these unsatisfactory relationships and situations are defined within you, but its possible they might be. Do get checked. If in doubt or arsey GP, take pregnenolone (buy online) and if you feel radically different... then you know.

What is it, specifically, in your relationship that is making you unhappy? Can you even articulate to yourself, in the privacy of your own head, what it is?

I notice on here people often have to somehow prove their entitlement to leave, but not being happy is perfectly valid.

I don't think it's necessarily about having to prove an 'entitlement to leave' but it's about having clarity about the actual cause of the unhappiness.

If you leave because you've become unhappy in a relationship but you don't have much clarity about why, that's when you either a) tend to walk straight into another relationship that feels good at first but turns out not to be well-suited to you, or b) discover that actually your relationship wasn't the problem in the first place, meaning you've thrown it away for no reason.

What do you do in your life? Career? Are you fulfilled in your work life? Fun friends? Do you need to go back to university and do something totally different like study nursing? Are you living where you want to live or in his area? What were your goals? Have you ticked them off? When was the last time you had hot sex with your partner that made you orgasm? Are you attracted to him? Does he get you off? Lots of questions to ask. Maybe consider delving deeper

I just feel our relationship whilst it has its good points he’s very caring, supportive and a great father however I’m no longer attracted to him, I’m not really bothered about having sex with him and I think I love him as a friend.
This life is not what I want but it’s hard to say to someone I’m just not in love with you anymore. He has mentioned our lack of a sex life and I often hope he has an affair so I don’t have the guilt of splitting up our family.
We talked yesterday and he wants me to see the therapist a few more times and wait to see if something like HRT may change my perspective.
He is aware that it might be the relationship but I think he thinks it’s probably my depression talking yet in my heart I know it’s not.
The reason I said I’m not sure I’ll be happy without him as my life will become so much harder. It will be a massive drop in income and a huge lifestyle change for me and my DS. I am already housing I can afford to buy and budgeting and it will be hard. I will find hard to afford holidays, days out etc.

What can you do to improve your quality of life, OP? You are already in counselling and have spoken to your GP for medical help but what about your job?

Before you pull the plug on your relationship with your partner, see what the results are of the actions you are already taking.

Also, What sort of work do you do? Can you increase your hours if you are not full time? Can you change jobs to something better? How old is your child and what childcare, outside you and your partner do you have, or could get?

If, after you think you've given your relationship a real chance and you still feel the same way, maybe speak to your partner about splitting. But: before doing this check what your financial situation would be if you left. Eg: could you sell the rental property and buy or rent another for you and yourself? Could you afford to buy your partner out of the rental and just make do until your financial situation improves? Have you checked what benefits you might be entitled to if you left (www.entitledto.co.uk) and of course your partner would need to pay child maintenance for your shared child.

Lots to think about before you make a decision you don't currently sound ready for.

I hope all works out well for you, @MrsRAF. 🌹

@MrsRAF

I just feel our relationship whilst it has its good points he’s very caring, supportive and a great father however I’m no longer attracted to him, I’m not really bothered about having sex with him and I think I love him as a friend. This life is not what I want but it’s hard to say to someone I’m just not in love with you anymore. He has mentioned our lack of a sex life and I often hope he has an affair so I don’t have the guilt of splitting up our family. We talked yesterday and he wants me to see the therapist a few more times and wait to see if something like HRT may change my perspective. He is aware that it might be the relationship but I think he thinks it’s probably my depression talking yet in my heart I know it’s not. The reason I said I’m not sure I’ll be happy without him as my life will become so much harder. It will be a massive drop in income and a huge lifestyle change for me and my DS. I am already housing I can afford to buy and budgeting and it will be hard. I will find hard to afford holidays, days out etc.

It’s worth bearing in mind that depression blunts emotions, so it’s perfectly natural you might not feel passionate for a long term partner - look up anhedonia and see if it rings any bells.

People suffering anhedonia often partake in risky behaviour and decisions as only the most extreme emotions can get through, so it’s a way to feel “alive”. But this is only treating the symptom and not the cause.

Is your therapist a professional psychologist or more a self-trained counsellor? The latter have their place, however given your circumstances it might be worth considering seeing the former.