How to you leave a nice person.

[MrsRAF]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 years and have 1ds. My partner is an amazing father.

I turned 40 recently and was hit by a huge wave of sadness as if I’ve wasted my life.

In my head I want my partner to cheat so I have a reason to leave.

I have a fantastic relationship with his mother.

But I’m just unhappy and suffering a major depressive period. I’m sad because I don’t see happiness if I stay or if I go. We are unmarried and we live in his house, he owned before we met and I would never ask for something I hadn’t paid for. We do own a small house which is rented out it is only 1 bedroom and not suitable for me plus a child.

I would struggle financially and it would be a huge lifestyle change for both me and my son. I would expect to co patent so would not be entitled to child support.

My partner is a lovely man through this period he has been incredibly supportive and paying for a very expensive therapist.
What do you do when you think you’ll be unhappy either way?

When I am calculating my finances it takes into account either selling the rental property or my portion of the rent.

I could increase my hours at work as I have family who provide childcare and I know my partner would take every opportunity to have DS.

I assume we would have equal responsibility for DS so neither would pay the other one child support.

My partner has agreed to make some changes as things are and see how things go but I am still looking at all options.

I genuinely think you would be foolish to leave such a good man. He's been loyal. A great father. You love his mother. You have a nice home.
You would be giving so much up just because you are sad but that could be due to depression and not him.

@MrsRAF I think you would need some legal advice as to what you are entitled to. If the rental property is jointly owned it will be 50/50 but it is more common for unmarried couples to own a house as tenants in common and the "share" would be stipulated on the TR1 that was registered at the Land Registry i.e equal shares or 60/40 etc.

If you are unmarried, the property was his before you met and he has always kept it in his sole name, it is unlikely you would have any financial interest in it - unless you have proof and can evidence investing sums of money into the house, spending sums of your money on extending the property or upgrading the property. This would then give you a potential interest in the increase in value you produced.

I would definitely as others have suggested, look into potential menopause issues, and whether you can reignite the spark? I have friends who would desperately love to meet a man that sounds as kind and supportive as yours, but struggle to meet anyone decent in the current climate of online dating and dick pics and all that entails. You could end up with a lifetime of regret in a poor financial situation feeling very lonely. I would definitely consider some kind of couples counselling or Relate.

A lot of people mistake being unhappy with their relationship when it's actually their own life they're unhappy about. It's really quite common. I'm a relationship psychotherapist.

Could you work on improving your life first, new hobbies, interests and working on your depression first. This will give you more to talk about with your partner, a better sense of well-being then perhaps try new things with your partner as well.

Perhaps some relationship therapy would help too.

What's actually wrong with your relationship? If you say it is the relationship causing your unhappiness, why and how? Unless you are clear on that, leaving a loving partnership seems a huge mistake.

If you have lost the physical attraction, did you enjoy sex with him in the past? What has changed?

I think all these feelings could be the result rather than the cause of the depression.

@Cyberpixie

A lot of people mistake being unhappy with their relationship when it's actually their own life they're unhappy about. It's really quite common. I'm a relationship psychotherapist.

Could you work on improving your life first, new hobbies, interests and working on your depression first. This will give you more to talk about with your partner, a better sense of well-being then perhaps try new things with your partner as well.

Perhaps some relationship therapy would help too.

I would second this.

Also (I can't figure out how to say this sensitively so apologies for being clunky) if you leave you should reconcile yourself to the possibility you don't meet a guy that nice again. Would you be any happier being single? Or with a man who was a bit unkind. It's not to say this would happen but you can't guarantee leaving is any better.

So I'd probably just check it's not your own unhappiness before canning the relationship, particularly due to your time in life.

Also it's very common for this to happen to people's sex lives. I'd recommend reading something like Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity-some interesting thoughts about how long term relationships can foster this decline in sex and some ways to improve-become a bit more separate in the relationship

The problem is that if the source of my depression is my relationship then I will this depressed until I leave yet leaving whilst depressed is hard.

I’m off work sick as I’m so tearful and anxious.

My partner whilst he has some lovely attributes is not without fault. He’s old before his time and is happy staying in watching TV. I want a partner with shared interest. Also he claims he never gets any time off but as a parent you don’t ever really get time off.

I don’t think he’s truly happy either but he’s a for our son type. He said he will miss DS if we split but doesn’t say he will miss me.

We are somewhat trapped in this house because of his business and I hate where we live.

I have two friends who have divorced one where he was abusive and she got no criticism and one where she just wasn’t happy and people seem very critical.

I know I have to put DS first but I think having happy parents is important.

You sound resigned to the fact that only splitting up will end your depression.

Why not have a peiod of separation so you both can breath and make clearer decisons.
One problem I do see is for all the talk of him being a kind man, many of those men doen't always stay kind when relationships end.

You have no actual financial security and if your partner does get a whiff of another man on the scene at some point things could turn out quite badly.

You seem to be putting a lot on the line for a dream.

I do have financial security but it would be a lifestyle drop. I wasn’t aware that being happy is a dream.

My partner whilst he has some lovely attributes is not without fault

After 18 years you will have troughs in your relationship. The few things you mention don't seem deal breakers, they are things to work on.

You are depressed but I suspect that's not just your relationship. Hormones, lockdown, midlife worries could all be factors. However you seem determined to believe leaving is your only answer. I think however you have to consider that when you leave you won't be happier. What will you do that will make you happier?

How old is your son?

“I notice on here people often have to somehow prove their entitlement to leave, but not being happy is perfectly valid.“

OP is suffering from depression. That’s no time to make life-changing decisions, especially when children are involved.

So, she leaves and is still equally unhappy. What then?

I made this mistake and I wish I never had. There is a huge difference between thinking you are unhappy in a relationship and actually being really unhappy.
When I look back I was just fed up of my marriage. I was menopausal and guess what I met this guy who I thought was the answer to my unsatisfactory life.
At first it was wonderful and he turned out to be lovely but not right for me. I have never been so miserable with anyone.
I think being unhappy with yr DP is all consuming its physical its awful and leaves you no option but to leave. Think carefully about what you are doing.

@Ilovetheseventies, fair play for posting and sharing your story. Is your ex remarried?

I think too often people assume a relationship is the issue when it's really what is going on inside them.

My ex has got a really nice new partner yes and he seems to be happy with her.

My councillor is professional qualified.

Whilst I have no intention to leave in the midst of depression my sessions with the therapist are indicating that I am not happy in my relationship.

I have made some hints to my partner and he said if that’s why I’m sad then we’ll have to come up with a solution but he will be devastated not to live with his full time but these things have to be faced. My DS is 7.
The guilt is horrible to cope with.

My parents are also aware and said I’ve only got 1 life and sometimes you have to do what’s right for me.

I suspect right now my partner doesn’t like me very much and I obviously don’t blame him.

Are you still in love with him?

@MrsRAF

My councillor is professional qualified.

Whilst I have no intention to leave in the midst of depression my sessions with the therapist are indicating that I am not happy in my relationship.

I have made some hints to my partner and he said if that’s why I’m sad then we’ll have to come up with a solution but he will be devastated not to live with his full time but these things have to be faced. My DS is 7.
The guilt is horrible to cope with.

My parents are also aware and said I’ve only got 1 life and sometimes you have to do what’s right for me.

I suspect right now my partner doesn’t like me very much and I obviously don’t blame him.

The thing is OP, as other PPs have said, is if you leave blaming your relationship but not actually understanding why, you risk walking headlong into exactly the same situation again or learning nothing.

I’d be seriously considering getting a second opinion if all my therapist could give me was “well, if you’re unhappy in your relationship that must be it I guess”. Do they actually have a postgraduate diploma in psychology or are they someone who’s done a professional counselling course?

Could you sit down with your partner and say that you are depressed and that you need certain things in your life. So either arrange to start doing fun things together or ask for a trial separation so you can see if it is him or yourself that is the problem.

If its him and you need to leave then you know that. You may try to put it to one side etc but often if we are depressed we don't blame our partners. We want them there with us supporting us.
Do you dislike him ?
Have you gone off him ?
Does he irritate you all the time.
Have you gone off him sexually ?
Do you spend yr time fantasising about leaving.
What abputvif he were to meet someone else ?

OP I’m in a very similar situation (had a thread in Relationships a couple of days ago). Slight differences in that we’ve not been together as long as you, there were significant issues in the marriage for many years and I’m not depressed, but the guilt over wanting to leave a fundamentally decent man is very familiar. I don’t have any answers but lots of sympathy. I too wouldn’t mind at all if DH wanted to split (mostly as I know the process will be awful and he will be devastated). I also share your worries re quality of life on the ‘other side’ and the unknown. It’s really hard.

Thanks for your reply. It sometimes feels as if being unhappy doesn’t seem a good enough reason to leave. I think the depression comes from the feeling guilty.

@MrsRAF

In answer to the question about it being his house. It’s my home I’ve picked everything in it and he refers to it as ours. But this house was paid for before we met ( gift off his parents). I wouldn’t take anything that I hadn’t contributed to.

Unless your name is on the deeds, it's not your house, and he shouldn't be giving you the impression that it is by calling it 'our house'.

If its the relationship then im wondering why not try couples counselling instead of going on your own?

I am aware it is not my house but I do consider my home. I have already said I would not want anything from the house. We do jointly own another property although this is a very small 1 bedroomed property with a tenant.

I’ve looked into the financial situation and I’ve convinced my partner that we should look to sell the rental as soon as practical and buy a family property. I know I am being deceptive but I just need to have somewhere to go when I end up leaving. This eased the depression for a while but it’s returned this week.
The more depressed I am the more supportive he is and then the more guilty I feel.

We only had 1 child but I wanted a second but never felt ready and I don’t want another one at 40 with a 8 year age gap.

We have a family trip planned just the three of us and I’m dreading faking happiness for a solid 3 days.

I feel like a horrible selfish person. If I was him I would kick me out.