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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

2.5 years with boyf but no commitment

75 replies

confusedmummy123 · 10/09/2021 22:25

Boyfriend and I live three miles apart. I have two children from a previous relationship whom live with me. Boyfriend and I see each other 3 nights in the week with him staying over for two and we see each other at the weekend. Sometimes with the kids depending if they are at their dads or not that weekend. He lives next door to his mum. He is the main carer for his mum even though he has other siblings. Currently he is working from home so pops into his mum a lot doing her breakfast in the morning sorting out lunches and tea. He does cleaning and gardening and ferrying her to and from appointments. He goes round to her house every night for tea which he cooks. My best friend laughs as she says that he has designated nights to see me as he comes to mine on a Monday Wednesday and Friday and stops over Wednesday and Friday. People always hint at us getting engaged and he just sits there and says nothing back! In the first lockdown when we couldn't see each other til bubbles were introduced he said that we could move in in October (2020) . Obviously that has not happened. He had to have his garage fixed in January and said we wouldn't be able to move in then due to garden tools been in the kitchen and it not be safe for children.

I just feel there is him and his mum in one group and me and the kids in another and he wants to keep them separate and that we will never move us in or he will never propose. He has never really had a serious relationship before and my friend and I think he enjoys the bachelor lifestyle? He is late 40s and I'm late 30s . 12 years between us.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 10/09/2021 22:25

Help

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/09/2021 22:27

Why do you want to live together? Why do you want him to propose?
He's got his responsibilities and you've got yours. Why do you need to live in the same house? I don't get it.

NotReallyAPrincess · 10/09/2021 22:29

Talk to him and say to him what you want to happen. Don’t hang around in the background of your own life waiting for a man to propose.

Being a carer is hard work. It’s natural that he will want to remain near his mum if she relies on him to do a lot of things for her. Do you want to uproot your children and move in with him? Or would it be better to find somewhere new together?

Itsokay2020 · 10/09/2021 22:48

Put simply, I don’t think you’re on the same page.

It’s endearing that he is caring for his mum, but understand that is his priority. At this stage in his life, he’s not in tune with your needs.

Meanwhile, you want more, the pressure from friends is clear. But what do you actually want? If he was to move in, could he slot perfectly into your life? Would your children accept him fully?

A frank, honest chat wouldn’t go amiss, no pressure but to just check in and see where you’re both at... remember, neither of you has a crystal ball and he could be very happy with the current arrangement. Pick your battles, once you know what you want and it isn’t dictated by your mates

IdblowJonSnow · 10/09/2021 23:00

It sounds to me like he's very committed to you both.

Do you need the conventionalality of marriage/cohabitation?

As you already have kids, I'm not sure this would be a deal breaker for me? Men (anyone I guess) are annoying when you've lived with them for a while. I might be tempted to see this as best of both worlds.

Astressedlady · 10/09/2021 23:06

I'd ignore the conventions of what you think you're supposed to be doing and take stock of how being with him makes you feel.

Does he express his feelings of love to you? Via words, touch, gesture etc
Does he support your happiness in life?
Does he share his emotions with you?
Do you spend quality time together?

If the answer is yes to the majority, I would say you have a good connection and you may want to sit him down and chat about the future, in a gentle way.

Being a carer must be very hard on a person, especially someone so close to him such as his mum.

Best of luck to you both xxx

jimmyjammy001 · 10/09/2021 23:24

Sounds like your both at different stages in life, your priorities are your children, his is caring for his mum, the current arrangement obviously works for him and dosent want it to change, you on the other hand want to be a family and get married.
I'd have a conversation about future plans and see if you are on the same page, he's in his late 40s,what has he to gain from getting married exactly? I wouldn't bother at that age, it's more hassle than it's worth to be honest, he's prob thinking the same which is why he hasn't said anything.

Booboo24 · 11/09/2021 00:07

I'd say his priority at the moment is his mum, and that is absolutely right, I don't think it's a case of keeping you in bubbles it's just that it's bloody hard work alongside a full time job. He's making time for you but sounds like he doesn't have a minute at all between his mum, his work, and you and your children. It sounds like he's doing his best and I'd cut him some slack. If it's not the life you want then end it, but I don't think you can put pressure on him right now for 'more'

Journeynotdestination · 11/09/2021 00:20

Sounds perfect to me! Who needs all his mucky stuff cluttering up your home? You have the best of best worlds at the moment!

Livelovebehappy · 11/09/2021 00:26

I think he sounds pretty much committed to you OP. You see each other quite a bit, and he is trying to keep you both happy it seems, with very little time for himself. Enjoy what you have for the moment.

JustKittenAround · 11/09/2021 04:40

Future faking. That’s his business

FlamesEmbersAshes · 11/09/2021 06:07

I think he is committed but that he’s balancing his relationship with you and his caring responsibilities. Is there anything wrong with not living together? It’s more stable for your children, you’re always pleased to see each other…. I’m not sure really why you’re so keen for him to move in.

Guineapigbridge · 11/09/2021 06:15

From his perspective, if he marries you then half of his inheritance and his house goes to you. Seems like a big financial risk, and he'd be assuming more responsibility for your kids too. For what? If I were him I'd stay unmarried too.

Guineapigbridge · 11/09/2021 06:15

He obviously loves you. He spends all his available time with you.

AdriannaP · 11/09/2021 06:24

2.5 years is not that long and he would take on a lot of additional commitment with 3 stepkids. Why would he propose when you don’t even live together? Also for the sake of your children, shouldn’t you try that first instead of rushing into marriage. As others said enjoy what you have!

Joystir59 · 11/09/2021 06:28

You should stay in your own home and not try to merge households. He is committed to providing care for his mum. Or perhaps assumes he has to.

category12 · 11/09/2021 06:34

Are you sure that living together is a good idea?! How would you cope with his caring responsibilities continuing, living next door to his mum and him with becoming step-dad to your kids?

Also, you talk about "moving us in" - is your own home not secure? Why would it be you giving up your place?

Would it be wise to move in with someone when you'd have no right to stay there if the relationship broke down?

You really need to have the "where is this going" conversation with him directly & honestly, rather than getting agitated by other people poking at him to get engaged or poking at you because you're not living together yet.

Shoxfordian · 11/09/2021 06:41

It sounds like his mum is his priority and not you

LastGirlSanding · 11/09/2021 07:21

He already works, is the main carer for his mother and sees you a lot. How do you think he’d cope with a full time step father role and caring for his mother? You sound resentful of the time he spends with her and that his siblings don’t do more. What’s your ideal situation here..that he steps back from caring and spends that time with you and living with you?

I don’t think it sounds like his mum is his priority over you i think it sounds like he is caring for her which is very very tough, and is still managing to spend loads of time with you. Wonder when he gets much time to himself.

RantyAunty · 11/09/2021 07:45

Do you ever go to his or have met his mum?

JustAnother0ldMan · 11/09/2021 08:14

@Guineapigbridge

Tend to agree with this, as on older man, I will probably never marry again, but if I did it it would have to someone with the same kind of assets as myself, just in case it went south

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 11/09/2021 08:46

People always hint at us getting engaged and he just sits there and says nothing back! In the first lockdown when we couldn't see each other til bubbles were introduced he said that we could move in in October (2020) . Obviously that has not happened. He had to have his garage fixed in January and said we wouldn't be able to move in then due to garden tools been in the kitchen and it not be safe for children.

I think you need to accept that this man doesn't want to get married. It's not good that he's moved the goalposts regarding moving in together, but I'm struggling to see how living together would even work? He would hardly be there because he's at his mum's so much (for example, he'd never be there at teatime).

I don't think this is a typical "my boyfriend won't commit" scenario that we read about so often on Mumsnet (where usually both parties are younger and childless, and the advice, quite sensibly, is to get married before having children), presumably in the case this man doesn't want children of his own and the only ones in question are your existing children? I don't think this man is going to be able to give you the "typical" family set up of a nuclear family at home with wider/extended family less involved, because his primary relationship is with his mum for whom is is practically a full time carer. Even if you did live together (even if you got married) I wouldn't see that changing. So if that's not what you want, this isn't the relationship for you - because he isn't offering that

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/09/2021 09:03

His mum is his priority and that’s obviously very important to him.

To me this sounds like the ideal set up, you get to date without your children being overly involved and he can still assist his mum.

Two and a half years dating, especially with covid and all the lockdowns etc, is not much in reality. He is right to not rush into anything.

Katiebee008 · 11/09/2021 09:16

Sounds like the perfect set up to me, and very similar to what I have with my DP.

The way I see it, majority of arguments in a relationship happen because of money, housework or kids....if you're not living together none of those are relevant. I love my boyfriend but he is 10 years older than me and has no kids and has lived alone for 20 years. I'm very happy living separately while I have a young child. He doesn't need the additional pressure of being a step parent.

GoodnightGrandma · 11/09/2021 09:20

I can’t see, from his point of view, why he’d want to change his life.
It’s up to you if you want to continue this way, but I can’t see him moving in with you even if he did he didn’t have a mum to look after.

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