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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

2.5 years with boyf but no commitment

75 replies

confusedmummy123 · 10/09/2021 22:25

Boyfriend and I live three miles apart. I have two children from a previous relationship whom live with me. Boyfriend and I see each other 3 nights in the week with him staying over for two and we see each other at the weekend. Sometimes with the kids depending if they are at their dads or not that weekend. He lives next door to his mum. He is the main carer for his mum even though he has other siblings. Currently he is working from home so pops into his mum a lot doing her breakfast in the morning sorting out lunches and tea. He does cleaning and gardening and ferrying her to and from appointments. He goes round to her house every night for tea which he cooks. My best friend laughs as she says that he has designated nights to see me as he comes to mine on a Monday Wednesday and Friday and stops over Wednesday and Friday. People always hint at us getting engaged and he just sits there and says nothing back! In the first lockdown when we couldn't see each other til bubbles were introduced he said that we could move in in October (2020) . Obviously that has not happened. He had to have his garage fixed in January and said we wouldn't be able to move in then due to garden tools been in the kitchen and it not be safe for children.

I just feel there is him and his mum in one group and me and the kids in another and he wants to keep them separate and that we will never move us in or he will never propose. He has never really had a serious relationship before and my friend and I think he enjoys the bachelor lifestyle? He is late 40s and I'm late 30s . 12 years between us.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 13/09/2021 14:51

Partner stays with his mum til 8.10 most nights then goes next door or to see me. Maskless I would actually be saving less of I moved in and I would contribute to his mortgage and paying bills as I always have since leaving my parents ten years ago. Bit rude to suggest I'm after a free ride.
I think the situation is to live as LATS for now. Maybe the situation will change when the kids are older.

OP posts:

PolarSmile · 13/09/2021 19:11

I think that sadly it makes perfect sense for him not to move in with you and the kids. He sounds happy as he is. I understand why you'd like more commitment, but ultimately he could lose part of his house if you married and then divorced, it's probably not a risk he's willing to take.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 13/09/2021 21:00

He must want some commitment as he always says that he wants me to look after him when he's older! (With him being 12 years older) he says he looks after me now so that I'll look after him in the future.

OP posts:

category12 · 13/09/2021 21:08

@confusedmummy123

Partner stays with his mum til 8.10 most nights then goes next door or to see me. Maskless I would actually be saving less of I moved in and I would contribute to his mortgage and paying bills as I always have since leaving my parents ten years ago. Bit rude to suggest I'm after a free ride. I think the situation is to live as LATS for now. Maybe the situation will change when the kids are older.

It just doesn't sound like a good move for you if your current home is secure. You'd be daft to contribute to his mortgage unless he's going to give you a legal interest in the house or you get married. What would happen to you and your dc if the relationship failed and you'd be feathering his nest and not your own?

Being his plan for the person to look after him in old age - does that actually sound good to you?!

Fireflygal · 14/09/2021 15:02

that he wants me to look after him when he's older!

What more could anyone want! Help pay his bills and care for him..

pollypocketlover · 14/09/2021 15:13

A lot of very, very unhelpful responses here. OP clearly wants to get married and move in with this man, so it doesn't matter if posters personally don't like the idea/haven't done that in their own lives

OP this man is future faking. He agreed to moving in and has now moved the goal posts. He has a comfy routine that he doesn't want to break and he doesn't want to marry you, otherwise he would propose.

In answer to your question, I would move on from this. The fact that this is a good situation for him and that he's better off like this than if he were to marry you (as most posters seem to have fixated on) means nothing. This is your life, you need to make decisions that will make you happy. If you want marriage and cohabitation allow yourself to find someone who wants those things too.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/09/2021 15:14

I am your bf in this scenario. I have been with my dp for 2 years and don't want to marry him or move in with him. I have two children who still depend on me and although he gets on with them, he actually isn't the most paternal person. That's fine - he is my boyfriend, not their dad and we don't need to try and blur the two.

He has just moved down the road from me from an hour's car drive away so I feel like we have the best of both worlds. We see each other when we want to but I have my own space with my kids.

I won't be changing my mind on the co-habiting or marriage so if it becomes a dealbreaker for him I will understand and the relationship will have to end.

A relationship doesn't have to look like cohabitation and marriage. I did that with my ex husband and won't be doing it with anyone else while my kids are at home.

pollypocketlover · 14/09/2021 15:16

he says he looks after me now so that I'll look after him in the future.

Yikes I just saw this! So clearly he knows exactly what he's doing then. He wants commitment/security from you in terms of you becoming his nurse/carer in old age, but doesn't want to give you a similar sense of commitment/security by marrying you. He'll probably ask you to move in with him once he requires assisted living.

I would definitely move on. And now I'm wondering if he chose a younger woman specifically for caring purposes.

category12 · 14/09/2021 16:05

@pollypocketlover

I think it's worthwhile pointing out that she shouldn't move into his house with her kids and start paying into his mortgage unless they are married or he gives her a legal share of the home.

As it sounds like she would move in without that security, and she'd be a bloody mug to do so.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 14/09/2021 16:38

OP posts:

category12 · 14/09/2021 16:48

But you have a choice about being "moved in" and about what commitment you're prepared to make. You're not a puppet.

category12 · 14/09/2021 17:19

What is your current housing situation?

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 14/09/2021 17:29

Category 12. I rent at the moment. Private rent. Been in this house 2 years. Quite like thw house and location too

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 14/09/2021 18:12

Op, he is telling you what the future holds for you both...believe him.

I can see why he won't move you in due to his finances but it's utterly cheeky of him to expect you to look after him.

Why not be upfront with him and say you would only move in to his house and contribute financially if there was commitment such as marriage. If he says it won't happen you have a choice...stay where you are and continue the LAT relationship.

category12 · 14/09/2021 18:13

Or end it and find someone else who is on the same page.

Viddy2021 · 14/09/2021 18:28

Yes, in any case, don't invest a penny in his home if you don't own any of it!

Plumtree391 · 14/09/2021 18:29

It sounds like an ideal relationship in many ways. You see a lot of him and you have your own place, albeit rented. If you gave that up, moved in with boyfriend and found it all too much, you probably wouldn't get another place easily.

Just enjoy it for what it is. You both have the best of both worlds at the moment. Ignore what anyone else says, they are not you.

DottyDotty91 · 15/09/2021 06:14

Why don’t you just speak to him?

FatAnkles · 15/09/2021 06:23

If I had my time again I wouldn't move in with a partner and mix finances again. Honestly OP, I envy you.

IllegibleSquiggles · 15/09/2021 06:44

@confusedmummy123

There’s a lot of mentions of ‘looking after’ in your posts. Your boyfriend looks after his mother — who is presumably disabled or unwell or very old if she needs three meals a day made for her and such extensive help? — daily. (How long has he lived next door and been her sole carer?) You look after your children, and are a carer for one with additional needs, but say your boyfriend ‘really looks after’ you all, also. Now you also say he refers repeatedly to you ‘looking after him when he’s older’, because he’s ‘looking after you now’.

Given that the status quo is clearly making him but not you happy, what kind of ‘looking after’ does he mean when he refers to ‘looking after you now’? It just looks like he shows up late a few nights a week, and that his main life is elsewhere, and composed of being a bachelor, working and being a carer. Does he envisage you doing everything for him the way he does for his mother, possibly from the house next door, when he’s old? What is it that he thinks he’s doing for you know that will merit that later on?

Does he know you want to marry him and that people are ‘hinting about you getting engaged’? It sounds to me as if he actively doesn’t want anything to change. He’s lived this way until his late 40s and never had a serious relationship. If he’s never lived with previous girlfriends, do you really think it would work for him to go straight from being a very longterm bachelor to sharing his house with his partner and two children, one with additional needs, while he works from home and spends significant time next door caring for his mother?

I think I’d move on if the current set up isn’t working for you.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 15/09/2021 07:55

I’m being honest, I wouldn’t marry you if he lives with his mum, because what if she goes first, he will be making her homeless.

If he doesn’t live with her and has his own place his effectively given it to you and kids his know 2.5 years instead of nieces nephews and siblings his known for a lifetime.

It doesn’t really make sense for him to get married in his late 40s

GiveMeAUserName123 · 15/09/2021 07:57

Also I do think you have the best of both worlds and would be crazy to give that up.

Blondebakingmumma · 15/09/2021 12:34

He sounds busy looking after his mother and working from home. How is he going to work from home with your kids there? One of your kids needs a carer. Maybe your boyfriend is hesitant to take on board more caring roles. I imagine he would help out with the kids if they moved in

RiverSkater · 15/09/2021 12:50

If he moves in it'll go pear shaped! Domesticity ruined many a happy love.

Just stay as you are, no need to live together. He's looking after his mum so I don't think he'll be up for looking after you if that is what you crave in relationship.

Enjoy it for what it is!

Plumtree391 · 15/09/2021 13:40

confusedmummy

My partner is fab with the kids and really looks after us. I'm just panicking now though as like others said he won't give me the commitment I want now but wants commitment off me un the future for care. Worried like someone has said that he will move me in when he requires that care.
..........
I do not understand why you consider living together to be so important. It's great that your boyfriend cares for you and your children but if you occupied the same house all the time, it could be too much for him.

You really do have the best of both worlds: your own place and a nice fella.

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