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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

2.5 years with boyf but no commitment

75 replies

confusedmummy123 · 10/09/2021 22:25

Boyfriend and I live three miles apart. I have two children from a previous relationship whom live with me. Boyfriend and I see each other 3 nights in the week with him staying over for two and we see each other at the weekend. Sometimes with the kids depending if they are at their dads or not that weekend. He lives next door to his mum. He is the main carer for his mum even though he has other siblings. Currently he is working from home so pops into his mum a lot doing her breakfast in the morning sorting out lunches and tea. He does cleaning and gardening and ferrying her to and from appointments. He goes round to her house every night for tea which he cooks. My best friend laughs as she says that he has designated nights to see me as he comes to mine on a Monday Wednesday and Friday and stops over Wednesday and Friday. People always hint at us getting engaged and he just sits there and says nothing back! In the first lockdown when we couldn't see each other til bubbles were introduced he said that we could move in in October (2020) . Obviously that has not happened. He had to have his garage fixed in January and said we wouldn't be able to move in then due to garden tools been in the kitchen and it not be safe for children.

I just feel there is him and his mum in one group and me and the kids in another and he wants to keep them separate and that we will never move us in or he will never propose. He has never really had a serious relationship before and my friend and I think he enjoys the bachelor lifestyle? He is late 40s and I'm late 30s . 12 years between us.

What should I do?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2021 09:21

I do not think he is at all the right man for you. You are both on completely different pages and this relationship too has mainly been conducted during the pandemic.

Why are you and he together at all?. This man's life is compartmentalized with him at center along with his work and caring for mother with you on the periphery. A man now in his late 40s caring for mother and with no serious relationship history behind him would raise alarm bells. It sounds like a case also of him "failing to launch" as an adult in his own right. He is never going to give you what you want here from a relationship. He could also be caring for his mother at least a decade on too if she is in say her 70s.

Peace43 · 11/09/2021 12:01

What do you want to do? That relationship sounds perfect to me (and is very similar to the one I have!). I love my DP but really need my space as does he. My DD likes him but doesn’t fancy him moving in.

If you want something different you need to speak up!

SpacePotato · 11/09/2021 12:24

Why are you so desperate for him to propose?
Why the need to move into his house when you have your own?

If I was late 40's, worked from home and took care of my mum, I wouldn't want two children moving into my home and committing to being financially or emotionally responsible for them.

If I was you I would be keeping my home for my children because if I moved them into someone else's house and that relationship went tits up I would have nowhere to go.

Sakurami · 11/09/2021 12:30

@SpacePotato

Why are you so desperate for him to propose? Why the need to move into his house when you have your own?

If I was late 40's, worked from home and took care of my mum, I wouldn't want two children moving into my home and committing to being financially or emotionally responsible for them.

If I was you I would be keeping my home for my children because if I moved them into someone else's house and that relationship went tits up I would have nowhere to go.

Me neither. What's wrong with this set up? Mayeb in the future when your kids are older/flown the nest and his mum isn't around then would be a good time to move in together.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 11/09/2021 12:44

You're looking for a young girl's dream, when you're an older woman, already with children.

Reframe your thinking. What is best for your children, and for you? How does he fit into your life? Would you be better off without him, or are you better of with him as it is now?

Then take a long, hard, cold look at what he is doing. Who are you to him? Sex twice a week? Anything else?

Naunet · 11/09/2021 17:07

OP, when he comes to see you, what are things like? Do you go out or tend to stay in? Does he pull his weight with cooking and clearing up etc? Do you ever go to his? Has he introduced you to his mum or any other family/friends?

sunnyzweibrucken · 11/09/2021 18:09

He sounds like a lovely partner- he takes care of his mom and makes sure to spend time with you as well. I think you have the perfect set up. And honestly if I was him I wouldn’t want to live with children. Once he’s done taking care of his mom and spending time with you it’s probably nice for him to have his own space to decompress and get some alone time. You can’t do that with children around. I don’t think it’s anything personal at all, this really the perfect set up for not only him but yiu and your children as well.

Original poster

confusedmummy123 · 12/09/2021 00:47

Thanks for everyone's responses. The reason I said me and the children would ideally move to his house is because he has his own home and I rent. I am also classed as a carer due to my son having development delays and autism so we both do have our own responsibilities. I always just though that a natural progression of a relationship was to move in and/or marriage proposal whether or not person has been in in previous relationship or has children. I see his mum quite a lot and help he with buying clothes when she sees something she wants but can't get out to buy it or buy it online. So I would say we have a pretty good relationship and get on quite well. I am not resentful that his siblings don't help as much. More that I worry that a lot of the caring responsibilities fall to him.

OP posts:

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 12/09/2021 00:58

I don’t understand how you’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years, even introduced him to your kids and yet not discussed a future and where you both see this relationship going

AdriannaP · 12/09/2021 01:32

“ I always just though that a natural progression of a relationship was to move in and/or marriage proposal whether or not person has been in in previous relationship or has children.”

Ah no - not everyone wants those things in life.
I don’t understand why you think he should propose when you don’t even live together. As others said in his situation I would also not want to live together. Taking on two stepchildren when you already have care commitments is a HUGE additional commitment. In your position why are you risking your family home? If this relationship doesn’t work out where are you moving back to?

You know that moving children into your partner’s home is a huge upheaval for them and not something I would attempt lightly. Does he spend time with your kids? Does he want to be a stepparent?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/09/2021 07:08

I always just though that a natural progression of a relationship was to move in and/or marriage proposal

That's not a natural progression it's a socially constructed progression and it is by no means compulsory. By all means move in and get married if it serves both parties well to do so but it's perfectly valid not to, especially when both parties have responsibilities to prioritise.
Also, if he owns his property and marries you, he's committing to share the value of his property with you in future if you divorce. Since your children aren't his and he has no obligation to support them or provide a home for them, this would be a big financial risk on his part and one I in his position would not be taking.
I have a property and one child. My DP has no property and 3 children. The idea of getting married is simply not on the cards for us. He knows I wouldn't take on that financial responsibility.

Northernparent68 · 12/09/2021 07:27

I think it’s weird your friends mention getting engaged, did you put them up to it ?

chocolateorangeinhaler · 12/09/2021 07:58

Very odd. So he owns his house. You rent. Your obsessed about getting married and moving into his. But annoyed as he has the audacity to care for his own mother. So annoyed that you want his siblings to care for her even though he lives in the house next door. Are you jealous of her? Do you love him or is money the motive here?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/09/2021 08:26

If he owns the house he is better off not getting married.

Hattie765 · 12/09/2021 08:29

You should speak to him and not your friends tbh you all sound a bit immature. If he wanted to move in or marry he would have made it happen so I think you can assume here that he doesn't want that and the relationship as it is seems to work for him and there's nothing wrong with that, in fact it seems sensible on his part! You have to decide if it works for you and move on if you want something different. It'd be interested to hear what HIS friends and family are saying to him, may be the opposite to what your friends are telling you! Speak to him honestly and make your decision, he seems to have made his.

layladomino · 12/09/2021 08:51

Your language is very much about him driving the relationship 'he said we could move in...' 'he said we couldn't move in'... you're waiting for him to propose. I suppose that might be because you've told him what you want so you're waiting for him, so effectively it becomes up to him what speed you move out.

But please don't lose sight of the fact that, in normal circumstances, you should both be equally driving things forward - and the woman can propose!

Having said that.... I echo others who are asking why you want to get married to him? In some ways it sounds like you want to do that because you feel that's the natural next step / it's what people do / it's what people are expecting of you. But forgetting all that for a minute, imagine the reality of married life - not the wedding, not the 'being married', but the day to day life.

I think your arrangement sounds good at the moment. He's clearly busy as his DM's carer, but sees you as much as he can. You have your DC to focus on too.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him. Cards on the table. And then decide if you can agree on how things will progress, and if not you can walk away.

Gemma2019 · 12/09/2021 11:05

It's a bit strange for your friend to say your OH is enjoying the batchelor lifestyle as he is WFH, caring for his mum, running his house and hers and then presumably seeing you in every other bit of spare time, so it's not exactly a rock and roll lifestyle.

After your update I can see why he is reluctant to move you in, as he will then have additional stress and caring responsibilities for an autistic child just by living in the same house, and have extra responsibilities and costs but no actual benefit to him. If the relationship went wrong it would be awful to uproot you all and make you find somewhere else to live. Also he's probably got compassion fatigue already and enjoys the time you do spend together but also needs his own space in his own house.

I don't blame you for wanting to move the relationship along but I really do understand why he wouldn't want to.

User135644 · 12/09/2021 11:10

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If he owns the house he is better off not getting married.

If they got married the risks are with him and the benefits are more with her. Why would he entertain that when he has primary care commitments?

Guineapigbridge · 13/09/2021 04:21

Is what you're looking for in fact reassurance that you're special to him?

Suzi888 · 13/09/2021 04:40

What does his mum do on the nights he’s with you?
To me, moving in together is natural progression. It sounds like you’ll either have to talk to him and tell him what you want, put up with the way things are or finish it. The level of care his mum needs will likely increase, it may mean he can’t see you as much in the future..

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2021 04:46

I think he's got enough to deal with and probably doesn't want to share his home with children. He gets precious little time all to himself so he probably wants to guard what he does have, and I can't imagine that he also wants the responsibility of being a step-parent. I don't blame him.

Maskless · 13/09/2021 05:54

OP you have not given us a reason why you want to move in. You already see him 3 x weekly. That's loads. Is it because this isn't enough and you crave his company even more? I don't think so. It sounds more like he's got a house and you think therefore he should let you move in so you no longer pay rent, which would hobe a massive saving as I bet it's your biggest outgoing; you'd also save on council tax and a great many other things.

HOWEVER if things went wrong you'd be the one to lose out. If you broke up after a few months/years it's YOU who would have to uproot the kids again and move out.

I echo what others say. The setup you have works perfectly. It would be bad for him, for you, and for your kids to change it. There is not a single benefit to anyone, so why are you pursuing this?

Viddy2021 · 13/09/2021 09:58

Replies have been harsh! Some people enjoy living with their partner, and a relationship started in your 40s can develop into marriage, can it not?
Personally Id be put off if my partner devoted himself to caring for his mother and wasn't interested in becoming a part of my children's lives too (particularly if he doesn't have children of his own). Of course, you can't force him to change his priorities. If the situation is making you unhappy, and he doesn't want it to change, it doesn't look good. But you're not being unreasonable in any case!

altmember · 13/09/2021 11:12

2.5 years isn't that long, especially considering half of it has been under pandemic conditions - lockdown, social distancing which must've stifled your ability to spend time together too. You don't get to know someone properly until you actually live together. It's also a huge adjustment/commitment for him to go from being a bachelor living alone to becoming part of a family household - your kids are a part of the equation to here in reality, he'd be committing to them too (becoming a step parent) as well to you.

So all those factors combined, I don't blame him for not wanting to get engaged just yet.

Also, would it not be better for him to move in with you if you're going to live together, rather than the upheaval on your kids of all of you moving to his place? If it doesn't work out, that means you and your kids moving again, which seems a much higher risk than him having to move back out of yours?

Fireflygal · 13/09/2021 11:22

If he owns the house he is better off not getting married

Op, this could be a genuine issue for him. If the situation was reversed you wouldn't be keen to marry him as you would risk financial security and inheritance to your children.

Are you working? If not does that mean he would have to financially support you and your dc.

That's an enormous commitment for him to make. Relationships where one party is significantly financially stronger can create a loser and winner. Would you really move him (and his mum) into yours and fund them both?

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