Anyone else feeling down at the thought of another single autumn/ winter?

[ViennaSnowTrain]

I started the summer so optimistic and really wanted to go on dates just for fun.

I couldn't bloody well meet anyone! On neither Bumble nor Tinder

I don't particularly mind being single, but god, wouldn't it be lovely to have someone nice.

@ILikeYourHair

This thread is bizzare!

Op made nice post about being single.
And people attacked her, for nothing.

Disgusting!

I completely agree with you. Presumably all the OP wanted was a bit of sympathy for the fact that she would prefer to be in a relationship. Why is that so difficult for some people!? Even if it's not the case for themselves personally, have a little empathy.

OP, autumn is my favourite season and I quite agree that it is better in my opinion if you have a romantic partner to share it with. Walking hand in hand through frozen countryside, retiring to a cosy pub and nursing a drink by an open fire, cooking rich meals and enjoying eating them together, cuddling up in front of Strictly with a blanket over you both. There is nothing wrong at all with wanting things like that.

However, you will also get responses from people such as the first poster and myself who say hey, being single can be great. Which isn’t what you want to hear. Again, fine. The issue is that when people say this, you can become quite rude and defensive in response, because they aren’t saying what you want.

@FatJan Well, of course it's not what the OP wants to hear, because for her it isn't true She enjoys her life but would prefer to be in a relationship (a good one, not a crap one). That's a valid way to feel! It's nothing to do with people not saying what she wants, it's to do with people attempting to dismiss the way she feels about her own experience of her own life.

It's wonderful for you that you can experience singleness as a great time but for this person at this moment in her own life it's not and there's nothing wrong with her for feeling that way. A fairly large proportion of people would like to be in a happy, functional, healthy relationship if they could have that wouldn't they, judging by the marriage rate for example?

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

Nobody is saying that OP's feelings aren't valid. They are saying that there are are other valid ways to feel, too. Otherwise you have a thread that goes:

OP: I feel shit
P1: You should. You're in a shit situation.
P2: I feel shit too.
OP: So you should.

It's nice to have people around who say 'Have you tried doing stuff that helps you not feel shit?' unless you want an 'I feel shit' echo chamber, which appears to be what OP is after. Suggesting alternatives isn't invalidating; that's the defensive mindset that keeps OP unhappy and prevents her moving forward, emotionally, to a better place.

Do you have children or wanting a child/children Op? When I was dating 'aggressively' a few years back, I remember feeling really despondent about the whole thing: do I want something casual with a view for it to progress or not? For me aged 37/38, I was still in two minds whether I was looking for a serious partner to have a family with - also difficult to find in itself - or should I just attempt solo motherhood on my own (which is what I've ended up doing). I think a suitable partner who is loving and on the same page regarding commitment would be lovely, but I'm pregnant at the moment so I'm in a different headspace.

I do believe finding a connection with someone is hard in general, and when you've experienced it, it is hard to forget about how it made you feel.

I agree OP. Being single was fun when I was younger and had loads of single friends to go out with. Now I'm older and everyone is getting married, it's making me quite miserable.

I have a good life in other areas, I don't need to join a class, volunteer, or any of the other things that are trotted out on these threads - I already do all of those things. I'm content and fulfilled in other areas of my life.

I want love. I want a strong emotional relationship with a man. I want someone who loves me, someone to go on dates with and discover new things with. I want a serious relationship, stability more than I can create for myself.

And I'm bloody sick of paying all the bills on my own. I want a man to share my life with, to live with. Someone who pays half of the bills, does half of the housework and puts the bins out!

@TheFoundations

"Otherwise you have a thread that goes:

OP: I feel shit
P1: You should. You're in a shit situation.
P2: I feel shit too.
OP: So you should."

Or you could have a thread that goes:

OP: I feel shit
P1: I'm sorry to hear that. It's understandable that you feel that way because your life isn't the way you'd ideally like it to be. Your feelings are normal.
P2: I feel the same way, OP. I understand exactly how you feel.
OP: Thanks, guys, I feel less alone now.

It's nice to have people around who say 'Have you tried doing stuff that helps you not feel shit?

Not it's not. It's patronising. Of course she's tried doing stuff that helps her not feel shit, she's not an idiot!

Suggesting alternatives isn't invalidating

It IS invalidating, because you're not suggesting alternatives for what to do or how to behave, you're suggesting alternatives for the way she should feel. So it is precisely invalidating her feelings - telling her that the way she feels is "wrong" and that she should instead feel differently about it.

I've been happily single, now currently in a casual relationship which seems to be going off the boil - but still it's nice occasional company and lovely to have regular sex.

I would LOVE to fall in love again and for them to be in love with me.
I've luckily had this a couple of times in my life and I hope I'll have it again some day.
In some ways I'm happy to live alone forever as I have security and hundreds of pets and as I've been married before I'm not bothered if I never walk down the aisle again. But I would love to have a special person and be someone's special person.

I completely get where you are coming from op and I can only say keep your chin up and keep trying to meet new guys as I think that's all you can do. (Same advice for myself!)

I found last winter hard as a single person, so you have my full empathy.

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

We disagree. Not to worry.

I am single and I can confirm it is extremely annoying to be told that you need to be happy yourself first before you will attract a relationship. And then questioned about why you want a relationship and told, no you don't really, if you want one you're obviously not happy alone.

It's like circular argument that you are bound to fail. Are all people who find relationships passing some test that you are not? The happiness alone test?

I have a good life, but for me friends are a separate and different relationship from a romantic one and the two types of relationship are not interchangeable in the sense that one can make up for lack of another.

Are all people who find relationships passing some test that you are not? The happiness alone test

No. And many of them aren't happy in their relationship, either.

@TheFoundations

OP: I would like a cat but I'm finding it hard to find one.

Poster 1: Ooh not me, I had a cat and it caused me nothing but trouble.

OP: You are minimising my feelings. At least you've had a cat. I haven't even had the chance to have one.

Poster 1: ...I'm just sharing my experience.

Poster 2: I'd like a cat too!

OP: Isn't it terrible not having one!

Poster 3: //Picking up that the OP's desire for and focus on getting a cat might be getting her down// You know, good cats are hard to get. In the meantime, why don't you do things you enjoy and focus on yourself? Then who knows, you might find yourself coming across a cat without even trying!

OP: You are saying something is wrong with me and I need to work on myself and that's why I'm not able to find the right cat. You are rude and invalidating. There's nothing wrong with me.

Poster 3: No... I didn't say there's anything wrong with you, I just mean there's lots out there other than cats, you know, to occupy your time while you don't have one?

OP: This thread is for people who want cats, go away.

This is a local thread for local people!! We'll have no difference of opinion here

Well some people are unhappy either in or out of a relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is the cause.

I've been in an unhappy marriage so I do know what it's like, but I don't think pointing out to someone who wants a relationship that some relationships aren't happy is particularly helpful.

I think OP posted this thread for a bit of a moan with other single people who are in a similar situation.

Yes, moaning about it won't change anything but sometimes sharing how you're feeling on an anonymous forum and having other people saying "me too, it's shit, isn't it" can make you feel a little less alone in the world.

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I think OP posted this thread for a bit of a moan with other single people who are in a similar situation.

Yes, moaning about it won't change anything but sometimes sharing how you're feeling on an anonymous forum and having other people saying "me too, it's shit, isn't it" can make you feel a little less alone in the world.

If you post a gripe on a forum, you've got to expect that some people will offer potential solutions, and not be rude to them for doing that. OP's resistance to any way of thinking different from her whinge has created a bit of conflict.

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I think OP posted this thread for a bit of a moan with other single people who are in a similar situation.

Yes, moaning about it won't change anything but sometimes sharing how you're feeling on an anonymous forum and having other people saying "me too, it's shit, isn't it" can make you feel a little less alone in the world.

I think you're 100% right, but I would add that I don't think that means that people with alternative opinions/suggestions should keep shtum lest they be 'invidalidating'.

I'm with you OP; in exactly the same position and feeling very sad about it truth be told. I had really high hopes for this summer but OLD has gone abysmally and no-one approaches me in real life. My experience of singleton is that it's very hard living life for yourself, by yourself, at your own cost with noone to share the load, stroke your back, lend you an ear etc. I'm very outgoing, have a very active social life and am in good shape, have a great personality (I've been told) and it's horrible watching your peers pass you by with marriages, babies, new homes etc. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

There are always going to be other opinions but it's not really an opinion sharing thread, it's seems like more emotional support and acknowledging how crap it can be that the OP is wanting.

Posters saying "I love being single" well that's... nice? Good for you, that's lovely. A lot of people are happy being single.

"But wouldn't you rather be single than in a miserable relationship?" Yes, but not all relationships are miserable. I'd like to be in a happy relationship. If I wanted to be in an unhappy relationship, I'd be in one by now. Crap men are ten a penny.

And the "you need to be happy being single before you can be ready to meet someone" is so patronising.

I'm very happy and fulfilled. I'm comfortable with my own company and have previously been happy being single. I'm no longer happy being single and that's fine. I'm allowed to want a relationship. I'm not desperate to grab just any man but I do want to meet someone kind and decent.

@FatJan

Crikey. Hope you aren't this rude in real life. Best of luck finding the relationship you want.

OFGS just leave the woman alone . You have been horrible to her and you are trying to cover it up with words . We all know people like you 🙄

OFGS just leave the woman alone . You have been horrible to her and you are trying to cover it up with words . We all know people like you 🙄

Ah here, are you the OP in disguise?

The OP was rude, people have all sorts of opinions on MN, not everyone is going to agree, no need to lash out at people who are trying to help.

And I say that as someone who is long term single.

@Gettingthereslowly2020

There are always going to be other opinions but it's not really an opinion sharing thread, it's seems like more emotional support and acknowledging how crap it can be that the OP is wanting.

Posters saying "I love being single" well that's... nice? Good for you, that's lovely. A lot of people are happy being single.

"But wouldn't you rather be single than in a miserable relationship?" Yes, but not all relationships are miserable. I'd like to be in a happy relationship. If I wanted to be in an unhappy relationship, I'd be in one by now. Crap men are ten a penny.

Every thread is an opinion sharing thread, that is the point of the whole site no?

I guarantee if someone started an 'I love being in a relationship' thread, you would have people coming on telling OP that they hate their relationships, and others saying how much they love being single.

If the OP wants therapy she should pay for it, not expect it off a bunch of strangers on the internet.

That's mean creeping

No...this specifically isn’t an ‘opinion sharing’ thread.

The op didn’t ask for opinions. She didn’t ask for advice. She didn’t invite discussion. You might think you’re being helpful, but the OP didn’t ask for your help.

She asked for input from others who feel similarly to her, probably in order to feel less alone. Your lecturing won’t help, however worthy you might think it is. The OP doesn’t have to be grateful to you for offering it.

Of course you could argue that are entitled to give your opinion on a public forum, whether it’s wanted or not, and indeed you are. But sometimes that’s a very shitty thing to do...and some people have been pretty shitty here.

to you @ViennaSnowTrain, I hear you, and I hope you find some companionship soon.

@SerenShine

Yes, I'm facing my first autumn/winter in 21 years as a single person and am dreading it.

I'm in a different situation and am definitely not ready to date yet, but already I'm missing not having my ex to curl up in the sofa with. I'm finding it hard to adjust to life as a single person.

Good luck OP, it feels like the coming seasons are made to be cosy with another person.

Me too, really relate to all of this

Sending you a big virtual cwtch, it's tough isn't it ❤