Anyone else feeling down at the thought of another single autumn/ winter?

[ViennaSnowTrain]

I started the summer so optimistic and really wanted to go on dates just for fun.

I couldn't bloody well meet anyone! On neither Bumble nor Tinder

I don't particularly mind being single, but god, wouldn't it be lovely to have someone nice.

You’re coming across as needy & defensive. That’s not going to appeal to potential partners unfortunately.

I wasn’t the one who made the negative comments. I was pointing out that they’re not real.

@ViennaSnowTrain

I am happy with myself. I am happy with my life. I also know I would be happier with someone else to share it.

I am not making myself unattractive in any way by stating this or believing this.

The best person to have a relationship with is someone who is capable of meeting their own needs. Find happiness alone before you look for a partner to 'complete' your happiness.

Stating that you are not making yourself unattractive is just a defense; it's not for you to say.

You say you don’t particularly mind being single, but when the first poster said being single isn’t so bad, you replied that they were minimising your feelings as you haven’t had a relationship or child.

This suggests you do mind being single. Which is of course fine. So do lots of people. And you will get responses from those people on this thread (the empathy/validation you are understandably seeking).

However, you will also get responses from people such as the first poster and myself who say hey, being single can be great. Which isn’t what you want to hear. Again, fine. The issue is that when people say this, you can become quite rude and defensive in response, because they aren’t saying what you want.

The fact you think I’ve called you unattractive because I’ve said it’s an attractive trait to be genuinely comfortable with your single status is saddening and suggests you think that people are out to get you, especially when coupled with your posts where you say you have been called desperate and had your feelings minimised.

You have interpreted a lot of kind/neutral responses here in quite a negative way.

Op would like a partner, it doesn't mean she doesn't like herself.

Theres nothing wrong with feeling lonely or wanting company or looking for that special someone. It doesn't diminish a woman in any way to admit that having a partner in their life would be great and make them feel happier.

I cant see anything in ops posts to suggest that she dislikes herself or is looking for a man as some sort of emotional bandage.

I think we have to stop equating a woman saying she desires a partner as some sort of a weakness, because it bloody well isn't.

The best person to have a relationship with is someone who is capable of meeting their own needs. Find happiness alone before you look for a partner to 'complete' your happiness.

No, this is a lot of crap. I am not looking for a partner to complete me. I am looking for a partner because a good partner can make life different, and yes, better.

What is kind or neutral about judging my ‘attractiveness’?

Or suggesting that I give up something that I want?

Yes op it would be nice to meet someone and not be alone anymore, I get tired of doing everything alone and would love to share life with someone, I find the autumn particularly poignant as it’s nearing the end of the year and it will soon be my birthday and I will still be single

I didn't say you were looking for someone to complete you. Don't call it crap until you've actually read it properly, otherwise you risk looking even more defensive than you already did.

23.25: Find happiness alone before you look for a partner to 'complete' your happiness.

So yeah, you did.

I’m sorry Hazel. I’d like not to be single on my next birthday too are you using OLD?

Completing your happiness isn't the same as completing you.

You're so defensive.

Good luck getting happier.

The thing that I’m trying (and clearly failing) to get across is that it is an attractive trait to be happy with yourself as a single person. It’s why people sometimes say they met their partner when they stopped looking for one and just started living for themselves.

It’s like if a shop assistant said to you “Try this perfume, it will make you smell very nice all day” would you say “Wait a minute, are you saying I smell? Why are you telling me I should wear perfume? Do you think I have a problem with myself because I don’t, you’re a shitty person for trying to make me feel bad about myself.”

You say you are completely happy and comfortable in yourself and a relationship would be the cherry on top, but in all honesty this isn’t coming across. I’d say you are unhappy with your single status, and although I hope you find someone who can turn this around, as long as you have such a poor view of being single, if you do find someone, you may end up holding onto them even if you’re not happy just so you aren’t single again.

Yes, I'm facing my first autumn/winter in 21 years as a single person and am dreading it.

I'm in a different situation and am definitely not ready to date yet, but already I'm missing not having my ex to curl up in the sofa with. I'm finding it hard to adjust to life as a single person.

Good luck OP, it feels like the coming seasons are made to be cosy with another person.

That’s actually a completely false analogy.

I said- wouldn’t it be nice to smell lovelier than I do?

And you (being the ‘shop assistant’) came out with ‘why?’ ‘Why would this perfume help you smell nice?’ ‘You won’t smell nicer until you admit that you already do smell’.

Not me. That was all you.

If you want to be completely happy single, great, go start another thread and talk about it there.

I’m sorry you’re dreading it Seren. There’s a thread on Chat with ideas of things to do in Autumn, I really enjoyed it.

Crikey. Hope you aren't this rude in real life. Best of luck finding the relationship you want.

This thread is bizzare!

Op made nice post about being single.
And people attacked her, for nothing.

Disgusting!

I am not particularly dreading the Autumn or Winter as a single person as I am used to being single and can’t imagine being with someone again. I am divorced - that marriage was my one relationship and was emotionally abusive. I have a lot of hang ups I think and a relationship would make me anxious, also I can’t imagine anyone wanting me. So I exist in a kind of outside life kind of way - looking at other people who are in life.

I have dc and know I am lucky but also feel lonely and sad that maybe my only experience of love will have been my emotionally abusive marriage.

Then occasionally I find someone attractive and that throws me down a horrible precipice of feeling devastatingly sad that that side of my life is so barren. Very painful feelings.

OP I hope you find the love that you want and are able to build the life that you imagine. I know this thread hasn’t dealt with this but aside from OLD being soul destroying (in my opinion), are you involved in other social settings where you could meet someone?

I completely understand what you mean op and feel exactly the same way

I get it OP. I have a great single life but I would love a special someone to do lovely things with and winter is worst as less friends wants to go out and about with me they want to lay on sofas with their husbands. I can’t get a date though apparently I’m too picky but I dont want to date someone I don’t like or who’s opening message is “nice tits”,

@ILikeYourHair

This thread is bizzare!

Op made nice post about being single.
And people attacked her, for nothing.

Disgusting!

Agreed!

I was totally happy single
The I joined tinder
Now I want a boyfriend and I’m obsessed with a long distance crush who’s totally not into me

So I get it
And I miss when I was happy single
Meh 😑
And I’m sorry you feel shitty

The only cure is staying busy busy for me

@ViennaSnowTrain

That’s actually a completely false analogy.

I said- wouldn’t it be nice to smell lovelier than I do?

And you (being the ‘shop assistant’) came out with ‘why?’ ‘Why would this perfume help you smell nice?’ ‘You won’t smell nicer until you admit that you already do smell’.

Not me. That was all you.

If you want to be completely happy single, great, go start another thread and talk about it there.

I’m sorry you’re dreading it Seren. There’s a thread on Chat with ideas of things to do in Autumn, I really enjoyed it.

I saw that and it's full of wonderful ideas. I think the key is keeping busy and spending time doing things you enjoy. This is my favourite time of year so I'm trying to embrace that.

Blimey OP you’re getting a bit of a hard time!

I totally get where you’re coming from, I feel the same. I’ve got lovely friends, a good job, am ok financially and don’t scrub up bad for late 40s. Im ok on my own and I’d rather be happy by myself than accept some of the losers who hang out on OLD sites.

But it’s lonely. Or it can be. There are some things you get from a good relationship that you just can’t get any other way no matter how good your life is or how much you love yourself.

On a separate note could anyone link to the autumn thread please?

@MrsBerthaRochester

I agree with op. I don't want or need a very serious relationship but someone to go to cinema with or a salsa class or Sunday lunch in a pub. I do stuff like going to cinema and theatre myself but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to share the experience. Plus I wouldn't say no to some sex.

This is pretty much how I feel as well, but not the salsa part, not sure my knees can take any of that these days, Bit of sex sounds all right as well.