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Original poster

Too Soon?

60 replies

HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 19:54

I've been dating someone for around 2 months now and so far we haven't had a single "what are you looking for?" type conversation.

I should have asked him early on to make sure we were on the same page but I didn't and I'm worried I've now left it too late to mention it casually.

I do want a relationship and if he wasn't interested in potentially the same (if we continue to get along etc) then I would make the decision to walk away. If he wants casual then it's not for me and I'm wanting to find that out before I become anymore invested.

He is a very laid back person so I don't want to come on too strong but I also want to know where I stand. We have had some great dates but nothing like this has come up in conversation. He seems to enjoy my company, we go on fun dates, have only had sex once so he's just not just wanting sex. OTOH we don't have much contact between dates.

Is it too soon to ask?

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 20:06

No it’s not too soon. I think it’s important to have this conversation so you both know if you are actually looking for similar things. Coming on too strong is declaring undying love after 35 seconds! Not a mature adult conversation about what type of relationship you’d both like.

How often do you see each other?

Notapheasantplucker · 10/09/2021 20:09

No it's not too soon, definitely ask him.

Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 20:11

@LastGirlSanding
Thanks, I do agree with you but I suppose I'm worried about how I'll come across!
We see each other once or twice a week, depending on what we both have on. I'm not even saying I want a relationship with him, I want to see whether we have the potential to be in a relationship and whether he is looking for something similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 20:12

Any ideas on how I can word it or what I can say?

OP posts:
Fakehungarian · 10/09/2021 20:21

Could you make your questions general rather than specifically about you and him?

LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 20:33

Honestly i think directness is your best policy! I’d literally say your last sentence. That you think you can see this developing into a relationship and want to know how he sees things. If he feels like you do then great, and if not then you can decide how much more you want to invest in spending time with the him. I know it’s nerve wracking but in my view the possibility that to develop more feelings and wanted a relationship but the other person had no intention of that would be worse. At least at this stage you can figure out where the land lies before you go any deeper. Smile

Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 20:48

I have sent it... Now we wait. Ahh!

OP posts:
Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 22:25

No response as yet... Blush

OP posts:
tortoiselover100 · 10/09/2021 22:27

Following, I want to hear his response!

tortoiselover100 · 10/09/2021 22:27

Is he usually much more responsive than this?

Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 22:34

I very rarely message him! We only saw each other last night and sometimes we can go days with no contact. I usually let him contact me and don't bother messaging him much.

A long response doesn't concern me necessarily, I think he will reply. I'm just hoping he replies with what I want to hear Grin

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 23:19

Oh well done for taking the bull by the horns. Hope he gets back to you with a response you’re happy with. Smile

featherbird · 10/09/2021 23:31

Watching with interest as I'm in almost identical situation.
For me it kind of came up recently and he said that we were dating not a relationship but a work in progress! This has unsettled me as I'm not sure where I stand or if I'm over thinking things?
We make regular plans and see each other every week.

shapes1 · 10/09/2021 23:36

F

seensome · 10/09/2021 23:43

@featherbird that would really put me off, it should be a decision you're both happy with, sounds like he's telling you what the situation is.

Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 23:46

@LastGirlSanding
Thank you!

@featherbird
I dont like the sound of a "work in progress"! What's there to work on? This should be the easiest bit. I hope it goes well for you though.

I havent heard anything, I wont hear back tonight. If he even just confirms we are dating and he wants to see what happens, that will be enough. I'm just not interested in something casual, FWBs etc and if he isn't sure then that tells me all I need to know!

OP posts:
Kite22 · 10/09/2021 23:49

TBH, you texting / messaging that would put me off if I were him.

Surely, if you are seeing each other a couple of times a week, this is something best discussed when you are together ?

DO you mind me asking how old you are ? As I think that makes a difference. If you are 36, then you are on a different timescale and different level of "needing to know" than if you are 21.

featherbird · 10/09/2021 23:56

@LastGirlSanding @seensome
Yeah it's made me feel like I'm trying to pass some kind of test.
Before this comment i couldn't fault him for anything so I'm trying to think positively and watch and wait rather than my usual possible hissy fit and dump him prematurely Grin

Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 10/09/2021 23:58

@Kite22
Potentially, I just know that I couldn't ask him in person, it's not something we have discussed at all so I wanted to give him some time to think about it rather than force him to give me a response there and then.
Im in my late 20s. I want to know because if he doesn't want the same thing as me then I have no interest in continuing to meet him and i dont want to waste my time. If he wants casual then I've had some great times with him but at the end of the day I want a relationship, who knows who it'll be with. Im not saying I want a relationship with him, more i want a relationship with someone and it could potentially be him if he wants the same thing. I'm happy to date and keep things laid back, as long as its going in a direction I want it to go in. I've wasted a lot of my time with men who don't want the same thing as me so I'm trying to be upfront.

OP posts:
EIIa · 11/09/2021 00:01

@featherbird
Don’t like the sound of that either
Keep that one at arms length

Kite22 · 11/09/2021 00:09

I know I'm old compared with many MNers, but I still find it really bizarre that someone is comfortable to do something as intimate as having sex with a person they can't chat to about things Confused

I also think that most young people in their 20s don't necessarily 'know' they are 'looking for a committed relationship'. Surely at that stage in life, you spend time with someone because you enjoy spending time with them, and then, over time you realise that you really really like them and the relationship develops from spending time together. I think asking potential partners what their commitment level is, when you are still getting to know one another would be quite off putting for many a young person.

Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 11/09/2021 00:22

@Kite22
Thanks, this guy is early 30s so not that young in the grand scheme of things!
I think now more and more people are looking for fuckbuddys, friends with benefits, non-exclusive/committal dating etc so it's important to outline what we want. I'm not asking for any commitment, I just want to see whether he's looking for a relationship with anyone (not me) or whether he is enjoying casual dating, sleeping with other people etc.
If this question scares him off then he didn't like me that much anyway and I'd rather meet someone who knows what they want and who wants the same as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowNowIsSoon · 11/09/2021 00:26

Just to add, I dont want him to be my boyfriend yet (or maybe ever, who knows) I just want to confirm that we are dating, we are looking for the same thing out of this and we can continue going on fun dates and enjoying each others company. I dont want to rush into anything, seeing him once/twice a week without much contact inbetween works great with me for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
tortoiselover100 · 11/09/2021 08:29

Has he been in touch yet?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/09/2021 09:32

@HowNowIsSoon

Just to add, I dont want him to be my boyfriend yet (or maybe ever, who knows) I just want to confirm that we are dating, we are looking for the same thing out of this and we can continue going on fun dates and enjoying each others company. I dont want to rush into anything, seeing him once/twice a week without much contact inbetween works great with me for the foreseeable.
What the difference between that and a boyfriend? Just the label? Or do you not want to be exclusive either?