Too Soon?

[HowNowIsSoon]

I've been dating someone for around 2 months now and so far we haven't had a single "what are you looking for?" type conversation.

I should have asked him early on to make sure we were on the same page but I didn't and I'm worried I've now left it too late to mention it casually.

I do want a relationship and if he wasn't interested in potentially the same (if we continue to get along etc) then I would make the decision to walk away. If he wants casual then it's not for me and I'm wanting to find that out before I become anymore invested.

He is a very laid back person so I don't want to come on too strong but I also want to know where I stand. We have had some great dates but nothing like this has come up in conversation. He seems to enjoy my company, we go on fun dates, have only had sex once so he's just not just wanting sex. OTOH we don't have much contact between dates.

Is it too soon to ask?

Still nothing! Why do I feel so nervous I did ask him generally what he was looking for, it was a very relaxed, no pressure message.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
I want to be exclusive. I just think its too soon to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I'm still getting to know him and I want to continue dating and doing fun things!

I often post this on the dating thread:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

@SortingItOut
Thanks for that, very interesting!

I've still heard nothing... This is not a good sign

Probably asleep last night - give him a chance to think about it first.

Hope the answer is the right one for both of you, whatever it is.

Thanks!

I sent the message last night before 9 pm, surely if it takes him this long it isn't good news?!

I didnt ask what he wanted with me, I just said so what are you looking for generally. Ahhhh.

Well, I still haven't heard from him. I am properly gutted

Did you send the message on Whatsapp?
Has he read it?
Are you usually in contact through the day?

He may he shocked at your question and not know what to say?
He might think you want to be in a relationship right now and its worried him.
What exactly did you say in your message?

Personally I think the time to have the 'what are you looking for' conversation is before you sleep together.
You also need to have the exclusive conversation early on otherwise you're potentially one of a few (which some people might be fine with but you sound like you wouldnt)

@SortingItOut
My message said:
Hi, I had a fun night! No pressure and we haven't chatted about this so I wanted to make sure we are on the same page, what is it you're "looking for"?

Hopefully nothing about that makes him think I want a relationship with him!

I did send it on WhatsApp, however I have my read receipts and last seen switched off so I can't see if he's read my message or been online.

Usually, I would have the what are you looking for conversation earlier, I just got a bit swept away in the fun and excitement of it all, I havent properly dated someone like this in ages.
I don't necessarily need to be exclusive yet, I just wanted some reassurance that ultimately he is looking for something more long term, as opposed to a casual arrangement.

Anyway, it has been almost 27 hours. He will have had multiple opportunities to reply and he is choosing not to. Obviously its done, I really liked him and I'm gutted, we had so much fun on our last date!

Personally I think the time to have the 'what are you looking for' conversation is before you sleep together.

100%. If you’re sleeping together best to know if it’s just you or many.

OP, better to find out now. If being direct scares a man off then he’s not much of a man anyway. Playing games is so short term.

I realise I’m about 1,000 years old compared to most people on the forum, and don’t really understand modern dating, but are you sure you know what question you are asking ?
the only is that in your response yesterday you stated

“ I want to be exclusive”
And today
“ I don't necessarily need to be exclusive yet,”

Personally I think the time to have the 'what are you looking for' conversation is before you sleep together.
You also need to have the exclusive conversation early on otherwise you're potentially one of a few (which some people might be fine with but you sound like you wouldnt)

This ^

@JustAnother0ldMan
Probably not, no!
In an ideal world i would be exclusive with him. This is not an ideal world. I would happily continue dating him and doing what we are doing now, if I was happy it would (hopefully) lead to exclusivity in the future. I was enjoying how things were going, I just wanted some reassurance that we were on the same page...

It all seems redundant now anyway as he hasn't replied.

I hope he has replied either way. You deserve that. X

@Kottontail
Thanks, he hasn't. Obviously now I'm blaming myself and thinking if I'd have kept my mouth shut he probably would have been in touch and I'd have a fun date to look forward to. Alas, it was not meant to be!

Yes, I completely understand you thinking that but if we can't be ourselves and say what we want, perhaps that person isn't for us then. I really believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason. X

It’s better to get it out in the open or it could just go on for months before you realise you’re on a different page. I think he will text after a bit, maybe try and avoid the question but get a meet up. Don’t doubt yourself - it’s all part of the honesty - that many OLD guys seem to be so fond of anyway 🤔

@Kottontail
Thank you x

@MsJinks
Thanks. You're right, it's better I said it now than be in this exact position 4 months down the line.

He just seemed so great for me, everything I've been looking for and more! It just wasn't meant to be.

@HowNowIsSoon
You should be able to say what you're looking for without worrying about putting someone off, I hope he replies x

@MissSmiley
Thanks, I do think so too. I read the message to my friend and she said me "no pressure" may have put him off!

It was absolutely a “no pressure” message and about as non committal as that question could have been. You’ve done nothing wrong in asking him. He’s a rude prick for not answering, even if only a “let’s just see how things go for now“ type ‘non reply’ reply! Bullet dodged by the sound of it

@TheHouseIsOnFire
Thank you! That makes me feel better as I'm really blaming myself. It's making me feel sick to be honest, I thought I'd finally met someone.

My message up there meant to say *my friend said me saying "no pressure" may have put him off and made him feel pressurised.

@HowNowIsSoon I just read this entire thread and to be honest you don’t seem that much into him. After two months you don’t even want to be exclusive. You say that you “don’t usually bother messaging him and let him contact you”. Did you just want him to confirm he is an option to you down the line while you are not that interested?

@AnaViaSalamanca
Haha no! I really bloody like this guy, he's the first person since my abusive ex who I see a relationship with, who I'd be proud to take home to my family etc. I think he's proper ace! I havent laughed so much as when I'm with him.
Im just very aware of OLD and how people tend to date/sleep with multiple people at once. I'm also very aware of not rushing blindly into something. As i said upthread, ideally I'd love him to ask to be exclusive, I just mean I wouldn't expect that and that wasn't the sole purpose of my message.
I didnt start conversations because he's not chatty over text and I didn't want to bother him, that doesn't mean he hasn't been on my mind, or I'm playing a game with him.
Im sorry I came across that way, I am genuinely gutted he hasn't replied and I haven't stopped feeling sick/nervous since Friday when I sent the message!

I’m sorry @HowNowIsSoon but to be very blunt you are really diminishing your own feelings in an attempt to be cool and unobtrusive. There is a difference between not rushing into things and getting to know someone gradually, and acting so cool that you come across as completely uninterested.

You want to be exclusive? You should ask. Why wait for him to ask? Why put so much power into his hands?

Want to text him. Do that! Bother him? Is he the prime minister? He should be over the moon to hear from you! I am not saying text him 25 times a day but this is the honeymoon period of a relationship and if he is lukewarm better to find out.

Anyway, he is a prime asshole for ghosting you like this (hopefully you will block him amd move on?), but my advice would be to work on your confidence and articulate what you want from the beginning