Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

Do you think he's OCD op? And feels you make a mess? You say it's been pristine every time you go round there unexpectedly.
Not an excuse but maybe a reason.
Hope you're getting a chance to get to the bottom of it.

Well it’s all becoming more clear who this guy is-
So he's a bit boring, likes to delegate all hosting to you, doesn't cook, is a fussy eater, thinks you're lazy, undervalues and underestimates your work, goes to bed early without you on a Saturday night, constantly prioritises his own preferences over yours, is passive aggressive if you assert your own preferences, won't compromise, can't anticipate your needs and complains he has to clean up his own mess in his own house
I don’t think OCD usually includes zero respect for partners work and assuming they are the ‘little woman’ and shop and sunbathe all day?

@timeisnotaline

Well it’s all becoming more clear who this guy is- So he's a bit boring, likes to delegate all hosting to you, doesn't cook, is a fussy eater, thinks you're lazy, undervalues and underestimates your work, goes to bed early without you on a Saturday night, constantly prioritises his own preferences over yours, is passive aggressive if you assert your own preferences, won't compromise, can't anticipate your needs and complains he has to clean up his own mess in his own house I don’t think OCD usually includes zero respect for partners work and assuming they are the ‘little woman’ and shop and sunbathe all day?

bang on correct 🌸

@timeisnotaline

Well it’s all becoming more clear who this guy is- So he's a bit boring, likes to delegate all hosting to you, doesn't cook, is a fussy eater, thinks you're lazy, undervalues and underestimates your work, goes to bed early without you on a Saturday night, constantly prioritises his own preferences over yours, is passive aggressive if you assert your own preferences, won't compromise, can't anticipate your needs and complains he has to clean up his own mess in his own house I don’t think OCD usually includes zero respect for partners work and assuming they are the ‘little woman’ and shop and sunbathe all day?

Come, come he's lovely in other ways, he walks the OPs dog!

Doesn't necessarily sound like OCD, more that he likes HIS house in such a way.

Probably more the fact he likes being waited in by the op, then goes home to a lovely clean house on a Sunday with only his clothes washing to finish, whereas the op has to clean up after having 2 people in her home for the weekend .

Be careful you don’t lose an otherwise good relationship because everyone in here has encouraged you to see the worst.

Everyone may be right. But as other pp have pointed out, there maybe other stuff going on underneath that maybe sorted when pointed out to him. Your communication hasn’t sounded great either.
He sounded genuinely surprised when you told him that your music lessons take up most of the day. Did you make it crystal clear at that point, that it isn’t just a hobby and it’s a full time, paying career? Did he take that on board?

If he hasn’t had parents to teach him hosting skills, as a op pointed out, he may just not know how and is uncomfortable and he may actually enjoy the “home” you have made. If he does have ASD traits, OCD or similar, then it may be worth investing time teaching him, if he’s essentially a good guy. It is his REACTION, after such things have been pointed out, that is important.

Of course after properly communicating, he might be a lazy, misogynist. Or you might feel you don’t want to have to “teach” him. That’s absolutely fine.

But don’t be goaded by a load of people on the internet, who don’t have the full facts or see the true dynamic.

Communicate from your end. Tell him exactly how you feel and then decide how you want to act based on his reactions, and future behaviour.

He's not really that lovely at all when you write it all out is he @cheesecakeisacompletemeal? He sounds like a knob to be honest.

@Kiduknot

Be careful you don’t lose an otherwise good relationship because everyone in here has encouraged you to see the worst.

Everyone may be right. But as other pp have pointed out, there maybe other stuff going on underneath that maybe sorted when pointed out to him. Your communication hasn’t sounded great either.
He sounded genuinely surprised when you told him that your music lessons take up most of the day. Did you make it crystal clear at that point, that it isn’t just a hobby and it’s a full time, paying career? Did he take that on board?

If he hasn’t had parents to teach him hosting skills, as a op pointed out, he may just not know how and is uncomfortable and he may actually enjoy the “home” you have made. If he does have ASD traits, OCD or similar, then it may be worth investing time teaching him, if he’s essentially a good guy. It is his REACTION, after such things have been pointed out, that is important.

Of course after properly communicating, he might be a lazy, misogynist. Or you might feel you don’t want to have to “teach” him. That’s absolutely fine.

But don’t be goaded by a load of people on the internet, who don’t have the full facts or see the true dynamic.

Communicate from your end. Tell him exactly how you feel and then decide how you want to act based on his reactions, and future behaviour.

I totally agree with this. Dig deeper OP, try and find the reasons. Talk to him, you could be throwing away something good

Jesus some women have such low expectations. Stay in a relationship to teach an man how to behave, while doing all the cooking and hosting and fielding patronising comments about work? Why would anyone do that?

His problems are not hers!

I can assure you that I have very high expectations and boundaries.

And I’ve said you guys may absolutely be right and then she really should run for the hills.
But you guys may not be right for the reasons some pps have pointed out.

We don’t know the relationship though do we? Perhaps the OP facilitated this behaviour in the beginning but now wants the situation to change. His reaction is key really

Agree. His reaction is what is important,

Some people just don't feel confident about cooking / hosting. My in-laws will always want to take us out for a meal; have been been married to their son for 20 years and I can only think of a handful occasions they've invited us for lunch or dinner there and when they have, it's always been pre-prepared food (bought pizza, quiche etc, with a bag of salad and bought dressing, followed by icecream and fruit), very simple. Even then, MIL wants my help with cooking / serving!
Also perhaps if his house is immaculately tidy, it doesn't feel as relaxed or cosy as yours does, in his eyes.

Claiming to have high expectations doesn’t mean anything when you describe a bf who expects you to cook and host him 99% of the time while patronising your work as a ‘good relationship’.

Taking on a teaching role to someone who may or may not have ASD/OCD/cheekyfuckery is not a relationship, it’s unpaid coaching.

No she shouldn’t accept doing it for 99% of the time. I agree. But she needs to tell him this. If he steps up then fine, if he doesn’t then he goes.

But if the reason is - he’s never been in a relationship, has never seen a modern relationship modelled, has no idea apart from what he’s seen during gaming etc, then it’s his reaction to being told that’s not how this relationship is going to be, that is important. It depends on if he is genuinely clueless but is willing to learn, or if he really is a manipulative misogynist bastard.

I’m not sure based on the op, which scenario is the true one here.

Why would she want to be with someone who needs to be told?

You don’t have to have had lots of ltr to know that all human relationships (not just romantic ones) involve give and take. That’s just basic. I don’t believe that can be taught, or that it would be sensible to try.

She might not want to be. That’s fine too. If you don’t feel a relationship is right, you don’t need any excuse to finish it.

I just didn’t want her to get carried away with all the “he’s awful” posts goading her to finish it, when there might be a chance if he’s genuinely a misguided nice guy. IF, that is. And IF that’s the route she wants to take.

I just didn’t want her to get carried away with all the “he’s awful” posts goading her to finish it

Why would she? She seems perfectly intelligent and fed up with him off her own bat.

Fair enough then.

But reading her opening post and then her end posts, she does seem to have become more emphatic. If that’s because posters have opened her eyes and she recognises more red flags then great. She knows the relationship. We don’t.

Or it may be she’s got carried away with everyone. It’s certainly obvious she hasn’t communicated her feelings to him until this point.

Hopefully she’ll make the right decision for her. But absolutely she shouldn’t ignore red flags and she should have strong boundaries. I agree.

The idea of going around with your 'war cry' sounds awful. I agree. Tbh OP you started off talking about how he has all these wonderful traits then gradually it sounds like you're a downtrodden wife who hates her husband after 30 years of marriage! It's almost as if you're doing it to impress posters on Mumsnet or create more drama? The war cry comment in particular was just so weird!

Anyway it really sounds like you don't like him so just end it.

I know we're not entitled to an update, but OMG I'd love to know what happened!

If you read the thread - it was the responses from her bf that crystallised her irritation not the posters here.

I think almost everyone understood the war cry comment as tongue in cheek – it's because of how women are socialized to look after men, that the mere idea of going round and having a discussion about nudging things closer to 50-50 from the status quo of 99-1 feels bold and daring. I don't think the OP sounds like someone who was going to tear strips off the poor man – just standing up for her own feelings at all is perceived by some as ball-breaking.

I want to know what happened 😬

I want to know what happened too! Come back OP!