Love DH but not in love - don’t know if I’m just expecting too much

[WhenIsItTooLate]

Been with DH 10 years, married 7, 3 children (9, 5 and 3).
The relationship has had its ups and downs - lots of downs in all honesty, he’s changed a lot; the first few years we were together he was probably bordering on emotionally abusive. But he recognised it and has made a big effort to change, it’s been a long slow process but he is much much better now.
Last year in lockdown 1 I nearly left him - I struggled massively and he was so so unsupportive and horrible about it. I’ve never felt so alone. Took the children to my mum’s for a fortnight but did go back after a long conversation. However I don’t think this ever really got dealt with - life just gradually got back to normal and we just carried on.
Before this year (so for the children’s entire life to date) I was pretty much the sole parent. DH worked all hours all the time (by choice) and I felt like I was constantly trying to make him engage with the children/the family unit against his will. For the vast majority of our relationship he’s been someone who lives in the house and pays the bills rather than an actual partner.
He has always been adamant that he was only ever doing it for us, he wanted to spend time with us, etc etc.
Last year we moved into the ‘forever’ house. Surprisingly (I didn’t think it would happen), he has dropped his work hours, is now home at a normal time (still leaves in the morning before the children are up), and is much more engaged with the family and domestic stuff. He makes dinner most nights and will put the younger ones to bed. This is by far and away more domestic contribution from him than has ever happened before.
In theory things should be better than ever. But it turns out I’m holding a massive amount of resentment towards him which I can’t seem to move past. We also had a week off together this summer and it turns out we have nothing much to say to each other any more. His version of connecting with me is to show me stupid stuff on Instagram (I’m not even on Instagram and have zero interest). A lot of conversations end up with him speaking to me like I’m an idiot. Sex is rare and I don’t really want to do it tbh.
DH is a good person but likes security, safety, planning ahead and sticking to the plan and I feel like I’ve given up any chance of spontaneity, adventure - he doesn’t want those things. I love change and adventure and a bit of considered risk taking. Any attempts to introduce the topic of making life a bit more interesting have been quickly shut down.
I’ve been massively busy for a few years and have recently had a lot of changes which have resulted in me having more time and brain space than I have done for a long time. And I’m looking at my life feeling trapped and bored and totally flat. Its such a cliche but - I do love him but I’m not sure I’m in love with him any more. However, even telling him this would totally devastate him, let alone leaving - it would ruin his life. He is a good man, he loves us all and he’s totally happy with the status quo. I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like you find him really unpleasant, boring and irritating. Can you explain what you mean when you say you love him?

We’ve been through a lot together, we co parent well, we have similar views on a lot of stuff (we can have a good politics discussion for eg, although that never seems to happen any more). He’s great with the kids these days (although my youngest took until probably early summer to let him do anything for her - teeth brushing etc - as he’d never done it before ever so she didn’t like it). He’s a good person - honest, honourable, reliable. The thought of uprooting everything (if we split I’d move back to my family), taking the children away from him (obviously I’d make access as easy as possible but it is a relatively long way), breaks my heart for him - he doesn’t deserve it. But I feel so flat. I don’t know if that’s just long term relationships though and I’m expecting too much/this is just a phase.

Sounds cringe, but couples therapy sounds well suited. Real communication doesn't seem to be happening. You might find some forgotten light in your relationship once you're both on the same page.

Why don't you try working on your own happiness and see if your feelings change? Add activities that make you happy now that your DH is more involved in family life. Might give you more to talk about at least.
I definitely understand about the resentment. The strain of raising young kids and constantly being the only one whose needs aren't met os really hard. You see lots of positive traits in your husband & he seems to have made recent positive changes. It seems worth making an effort to get back on track.

You said in the early years he was emotionally abusive? In what ways and why do you think you stayed then and had 3 dc?

I think if you've had significant change then you need to let life settle and revisit sometime down the line. I would not advocate leaving unless there is abuse as sometimes life with children is very tough and parents pull apart. With 3 dc you can't have spent much time together and add in lockdown I suspect you need to adjust to the new normal. Your youngest getting to a greater independence is probably an important milestone for you and you now can put her head and look around. However the grass may not be greener.

If you are on the same wavelength for parenting, finances, politics and values then that is a good base to start from. Interests and hobbies can be built up together.

You say he changed when you moved - was that spontaneous, or did he change because you discussed your issues?

Only you know how you feel. Try counselling first though. You do have 3 kids and moving to a different part of the country is going to have a huge impact on them so you owe it to them to try.

Part of it will be the DC getting older so you have a bit more headspace for yourself. Agree with pp don't focus on him so much, look at yourself and what you want to be doing with your time.

Post pandemic a lot of us have "just coped" and now we're coming out the other side it really is jarring and disorienting to see what life looks like now.

Think of it more as an opportunity for you to have some space to yourself especially since he's now taking more of the domestic burden.

I hope he continues to do so and you can grow into the person and life that fits you over the next few months.

I'd say give it at least 6 months to try to relax and explore more of what you want to do as an individual human being. You need time to reflect and adjust and ideally have some fun.

There's a big contradiction in your posts OP...

Your DH was emotionally abusive, unsupportive and horrible to you in lockdown (only a year ago) and speaks to you like you're an idiot.

But he's a good man, honourable, honest and reliable?

I don't know what I'm meant to think about him based on that. Do you really think all the above are true? The man in the first sentence cannot be described as the man in the second sentence.

Give it a bit more time. I am married for a similar amount of time and it's hasn't always been fair or fun (got great advice on here).

After a good amount of time it's actually really great now. That's said, mine was not emotionally abusive and did a lot with the dc but we lost ourselves. Give it a bit more time.

It’s interesting that you’ve been together 10 years and have a 9 year old. You can’t have had much time to establish a strong relationship as a couple before the children came along. That’s basically what you’ve got to do now. If you have similar values, politics and views on things, it could be quite fun developing this. Maybe you’ve just got to go about it in an intentional way like date nights and Friday night dinner together, now that it’s part of family life.

You said in the early years he was emotionally abusive? In what ways and why do you think you stayed then and had 3 dc?

Not on purpose - he was very very highly strung and stressed all the time, would get massively angry over nothing, was just generally really hard to live with. Things like if we had a plan for the day we couldn’t change the plan without a massive amount of rage and stress. It was never deliberately directed at me/DD but I did a lot of walking on eggshells. And I stayed for the same reasons as ever - when it was good it was good, I knew he was decent underneath it, etc etc. He did recognise that it wasn’t a healthy way to live and has gradually improved over the years.

You say he changed when you moved - was that spontaneous, or did he change because you discussed your issues?

He had always said he’d drop his hours down to ‘normal’ once we were in the forever house. Tbh I didn’t think he actually would but he has. But now that he’s around more it seems to have just thrown into sharp relief how little we connect any more. We always got on well, had a laugh, fancied each other but the connection just doesn’t seem to be there now and I’m struggling to find him attractive (although he is objectively very good looking). I feel a bit like…moving into the ‘forever’ house has always been his dream and was kind of held up as ‘the time everything will become better’. And now we’ve done it and it hasn’t magically erased all the hurt and anger of the last 10 years. All the times the chips were down and I felt totally alone and let down. I feel like…this is supposed to be a really good time, life getting easier, kids getting older, having more time for ourselves/each other…and it all just feels hollow.

gannett I suppose it comes down to intentions…he’s never been intentionally horrible…in the earlier years he was just lacking in control of his reactions/emotions. He is better now but likewise he tends to react quickly, eg if I make a suggestion he doesn’t think is practical he’ll be really cutting and just shut me down instantly and act like I’m stupid for even thinking it. He does usually come back and apologise but obviously by then the damage is done. It’s been a lifetime of it and even though he tries really hard and tries to improve all the time I just feel like it’s been constant hard work and I’m just bloody tired.

An example of how he used to be - a few years ago when I was heavily pregnant with the youngest we got a new (pretty old, but new to us!) car and a couple of days later I accidentally reversed it into something as I wasn’t used to the size of it. Put a bit of a dink in the back. He SCREAMED at me, went off the handle, said I couldn’t look after anything, I should be more careful, etc etc, didn’t speak to me for a couple of days. He did calm down in the end and we did eventually get to a point where we could joke about it. But he wouldn’t do that now - he’d be pissed off but would be much more controlled about it.

It sounds like you want it to work - but it needs help. Why not try therapy together? To help you make plans for the future, open up the conversation.

Agree you need to take time to do your own things too and that might mean you get less bored with him. He should too so he gets more interesting.

Is it just your relationship/him that you feel flat about, or life in general? You have lots of good reasons not to love him, tbh I'm amazed you still do, but if you say you do, then could it be depression making you feel so flat? If that's a possibility, it might be worth looking into that before making a big move.

I feel like…this is supposed to be a really good time, life getting easier, kids getting older, having more time for ourselves/each other…and it all just feels hollow

I don't think with 3 young children life should be easier, you are just through the baby stage but parenting primary is time consuming. Are you fatigued with life when the alternative wouldn't be much different. You would still have thr slog of parenting 3 dc.

I also notice that 10 years seem to be the time when the rut sets into a marriage.

Think of the alternative life - single parent with 3 children, will you really be happier? The pool of decent men is very small and step families bring a host of issues so not sure grass is greener.

I think you need to focus on getting the connection back, acknowledge you two are not in a good place and see of you can improve it (but be realistic as 3 dc will not be easy for many years).

When you talk about the early years, were you both very young when you got together?

Is it just your relationship/him that you feel flat about, or life in general? You have lots of good reasons not to love him, tbh I'm amazed you still do, but if you say you do, then could it be depression making you feel so flat?

I don’t think so - I don’t feel it in general, and the children and I have a lovely time. I feel positive about the next stages, the stuff I might do etc - just not necessarily about doing it with him.

When you talk about the early years, were you both very young when you got together?

So the bit I left out was that we were actually together for about a year, then split up for a while, then got back together and had DD1 within a year. And yes I was very young both times. He is 6 years older than me and I think that hasn’t helped with the kind of ‘DH is more mature than When’ narrative that now seems to be a feature of our relationship - I think he thinks of himself as the grown up and me as the chaotic one who’s always messing stuff up and forgetting stuff.

Think of the alternative life - single parent with 3 children, will you really be happier?
This is I don’t know. I need a crystal ball! I do know that if I move back ‘home’ I’ll have a massive amount more hands on support than I currently do as all my family are there. Atm we’re miles away from all family and no support network - we moved here 5 years ago and didn’t know a soul; I have lots of friends now and people I could call on in an emergency but still no general day to day help like some people do (grandparents who take kids for weekend sleepovers and that sort of thing), which I would have plenty of if I were to move back. Which would also mean my job options would be massively increased (my mum works school hours, term time so would be amazing to have on hand and would happily do pick ups etc) plus it’s a much cheaper area so financially I’d likely be fine.

It doesn’t sound like you love him.

I appreciate you know how you feel, but I’d question that a bit. Do you feel it, or do you just think you should?

Even when you’ve tried to explain why you love him, it’s a list of reasons to maybe stay. He’s reliable, he’s honest, he doesn’t deserve to be broken hearted.

None of it sounds like love, or an emotional connection. And your first post basically says you find him quite irritating and boring, you don’t want to spend time with him, you’ve got no desire to have sex with him.

I think the starting ground for your next step is to be honest about where you currently are. Do you feel that you love him, or are you just used to him being there? Is this a convenience thing now?

If so, is there a way back to when it was better, or has too much happened? Do you want there to be a way back?

Hah, I was thinking that he might have been very young when you got together, as it might explain why he was no good at relationships initially, but has got better now. You sound by far the more mature one. Sounds like he's using his supposed maturity to manipulate you tbh.

I think anyone would struggle to be interested in someone who screams at them. I know it was years ago but he’s had a years worth of anger management sessions weekly right? No he hasn’t so that’s still in him. He’s done nothing to rectify his innate behaviour. Could happen again. The truth is that you are taking a risk staying with him because you could invest another 10 years and he kicks off again the next time you do something “wrong”. Sounds like the relationship has fizzled out. Time to move on?

Was your DH working long hours for you all to be able to afford your forever home?

You mentioned that if you split, you’d move your children a long way to be close to your family - your DH may want the children 50/50.

I don’t think you can decide yourself that you are taking the children to live in a complete different area a distance away.

I agree on your answer to my question about love. You answered:
We’ve been through a lot together
That is not love.
we co parent well
Also not love.
we have similar views on a lot of stuff
This is the only thing you say about him that has anything to do with your relationship as a couple. It's a start!
He’s great with the kids these days
But you explain that it's too late as the damage has already been done.
He’s a good person - honest, honourable, reliable
So is the postman. And you've just described various ways in which he's not good.
The thought of uprooting everything breaks my heart for him
This is either a sign of affection, or a sign that you are empathetic and have a string sense of duty/guilt.

I do agree with the many people saying that it's tough when the kids are small, and worth working on the relationship. Sometimes we do have to look for the love rather than it just beiing there. And the recent improvements are a real ray of hope. But if you're actually looking for confirmation that it's OK to leave because you can't stand the sight of him and your life is crap ...

Was your DH working long hours for you all to be able to afford your forever home?

According to him, yes. He gets very obsessive about stuff and he was really obsessed with this one specific point which he decided meant he had to work silly hours for a really long time. I told him at the time that I’d rather shelve the moving plans for an extra year and have him work a slightly shorter day temporarily. Bearing in mind that I had basically never ever asked for help before that. He told me I was negative and moaning, that it could be worse and I just needed to get on with it like everyone else. Which was easy for him to say since he was off at work all day and not stuck in the house with a 7, 3 and a 2 year old.
I remember saying at the time that I didn’t think our relationship would ever go back to the way it was before that. And now I think I just got busy again and kept myself distracted and now that I’ve got the mental space it’s all popping up again and I’m just as angry now as I was then.

But if you're actually looking for confirmation that it's OK to leave because you can't stand the sight of him and your life is crap ...

It’s not crap but I have spent years and years assuming that he won’t be involved and just doing my own thing with the kids. I discovered early on that it was better to assume he wouldn’t be around and then be pleasantly surprised if he was, than to hope he would be and then feel resentful and let down when he wasn’t. But now he is around and I just feel meh.

He’s happy, the kids are happy. If it were up to me I’d definitely go out on my own but how can I screw up everyone else’s life just because it’s what I want? It feels very selfish. And I could only do it if I moved home so if I were to stay local it’d be off the cards anyway.