Been with DH 10 years, married 7, 3 children (9, 5 and 3).
The relationship has had its ups and downs - lots of downs in all honesty, he’s changed a lot; the first few years we were together he was probably bordering on emotionally abusive. But he recognised it and has made a big effort to change, it’s been a long slow process but he is much much better now.
Last year in lockdown 1 I nearly left him - I struggled massively and he was so so unsupportive and horrible about it. I’ve never felt so alone. Took the children to my mum’s for a fortnight but did go back after a long conversation. However I don’t think this ever really got dealt with - life just gradually got back to normal and we just carried on.
Before this year (so for the children’s entire life to date) I was pretty much the sole parent. DH worked all hours all the time (by choice) and I felt like I was constantly trying to make him engage with the children/the family unit against his will. For the vast majority of our relationship he’s been someone who lives in the house and pays the bills rather than an actual partner.
He has always been adamant that he was only ever doing it for us, he wanted to spend time with us, etc etc.
Last year we moved into the ‘forever’ house. Surprisingly (I didn’t think it would happen), he has dropped his work hours, is now home at a normal time (still leaves in the morning before the children are up), and is much more engaged with the family and domestic stuff. He makes dinner most nights and will put the younger ones to bed. This is by far and away more domestic contribution from him than has ever happened before.
In theory things should be better than ever. But it turns out I’m holding a massive amount of resentment towards him which I can’t seem to move past. We also had a week off together this summer and it turns out we have nothing much to say to each other any more. His version of connecting with me is to show me stupid stuff on Instagram (I’m not even on Instagram and have zero interest). A lot of conversations end up with him speaking to me like I’m an idiot. Sex is rare and I don’t really want to do it tbh.
DH is a good person but likes security, safety, planning ahead and sticking to the plan and I feel like I’ve given up any chance of spontaneity, adventure - he doesn’t want those things. I love change and adventure and a bit of considered risk taking. Any attempts to introduce the topic of making life a bit more interesting have been quickly shut down.
I’ve been massively busy for a few years and have recently had a lot of changes which have resulted in me having more time and brain space than I have done for a long time. And I’m looking at my life feeling trapped and bored and totally flat. Its such a cliche but - I do love him but I’m not sure I’m in love with him any more. However, even telling him this would totally devastate him, let alone leaving - it would ruin his life. He is a good man, he loves us all and he’s totally happy with the status quo. I don’t know what to do.