He SCREAMED at me, went off the handle, said I couldn’t look after anything, I should be more careful, etc etc, didn’t speak to me for a couple of days.
That's not bordering on emotional abuse, it's outright and quite hard core emotional abuse.
Screaming at someone for a mistake/an accident is emotional abuse. Hyberbolic criticism (surely you can and do take care of many things successfully) is emotional abuse. Punitive silent treatment is emotional abuse. I'm pretty sure if you put some time into a) learning what emotional abuse really is and b) thinking back over similar incidents with your husband, you'll be shocked to realise what you've unknowingly been dealing with.
It's no wonder you are finding it hard to forgive your husband for belittling, ignoring and failing to support you for years on end. The incidents you describe are called 'emotional ruptures' and though they can be forgiven if the person who caused them fully admits, apologises, stops the behaviour and works to make amends for them (at a minimum), sometimes even all that doesn't make up for the loss of trust, attraction and intimacy that emotional ruptures lead to.
The simple fact is that once those elements of a relationship are gone, there is absolutely no guarantee you will be able to re-establish them.
You say you love him but it actually sounds more to me like you're saying you love him because you feel an obligation to keep the family together and would feel guilty or like a 'bad person' if you just said to yourself, "You know what, he treated me like I didn't matter for years, and actually, no, I can't get over that. I'm allowed to not want to continue this marriage."
It's actually not surprising that you're only starting to be able to process the abuse AFTER it has (mostly?) stopped.
Because when abuse is underway, the real-time consequences are that you live in a state of constant self-doubt, you're so overwhelmed by managing responsibilities that shouldn't be yours alone that you don't have time to pause and reflect on what the hell is actually going on, the constant criticism means your self-esteem is in the toilet so you stop expecting or hoping for anything better, your voice is ignored so the only 'control' you have over the way your partner treats you is to not do anything they don't in the first place.
When the level of abuse recedes, or your kids get a bit older and you have a bit more time and some emotional distance from the abuse, you start to be able to look at it a bit more objectively and realise... "Hang on. Okay, I've made some mistakes, like all humans do, but actually, the way my husband has reacted to those mistakes was waaaaaaay worse than the mistake I made in the first place... and yet I took most of the blame."
Sounds like your husband has made a life where he has happy, but it's come at the cost of a large amount of suffering on your part, which he ignored and denied for years while he was focused on pursuing his own vision of a 'happy family'. But it's not your vision, and never has been, despite you trying to tell him this.
The reason you're frustrated is because you are not in a genuinely loving relationship. A genuinely loving relationship involves two people each communicating their desires and each accommodating and supporting the others'. It sounds like for years, it's been all about you accommodating and supporting your husband's desires, and him refusing to accommodate yours. No wonder you feel resentful.