How do you break a trauma bond? Trying to go no contact but I can’t find my strength.

[ElleStartingOver]

It’s a trauma bond, I know it is. It’s not love.

He’s abusive. He’s told me I need strangling, he wishes I would die. He’s pulled my hand brake up while driving, smashed things in my home. He lies repeatedly, he leaves and then wants to come back days later, he’s an absolute cunt.

I’m not weak, I’m not scared of being alone, I KNOW I deserve better but why every time he leaves do I crumble and try to get him back? Believe me I know how stupid I sound reading it all back.

He’s gone again, apparently for good because he doesn’t like my attitude (ha!) and this time it’s for good. We’ve been arguing on text all day and now he’s blocked me everywhere.

I need to go no contact, I don’t want him back, but I seem to lose my self respect and my sanity when this happens and I can’t do it again I really can’t.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I think if I can get to a week of no contact I’ll be ok after then I just can’t seem to get there

Anyone?

Ultimately, healing the trauma is what reduces that urge. Often there is earlier trauma prior to the relationship that made you vulnerable in the first place.

Do you have friends around who can distract you? Try to plan some nice activities for yourself to stay busy and avoid thinking about him. Are there things you enjoy that you did less of during the relationship?

At a time when you're feeling really strong, write a list of how shit he is, to look back at in weak moments.

Try to take the no contact a day at a time or even an hour at a time. It may be easier to get through a week of no contact if you do it that way rather than sitting now thinking it's a whole week. As each hour and day passes, you will be closer to your target. Get busy and plan some distractions for yourself. What can you do instead of contacting him? What other things do you enjoy doing? Do you have friends you can be talking to - friends you can ring when the impulse to contact him feels particularly strong?

You probably need help getting over your addiction to this man because it sounds like you're addicted. Or rather - you may be addicted to the highs that come with being in an abusive relationship. The highs tend to be more intense and ecstatic because of the relief that you're finally being treated well, the contrast with how awful the bad time are and also abusers can love bomb like there's no tomorrow.

Alternatively, you may have had appalling relationship models and are therefore subconsciously comfortable in a very dysfunctional relationship.

If you haven't read it already, you might find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood really helpful. She examines what causes women to enter into and get stuck in these kinds of relationships and also how to re-educate yourself so that you can enjoy a healthy relationship with a functional partner.

Take it really slowly, hours at a time if you have to. Don’t think about having a week of no contact, think about having the rest of tonight with no contact. Then aim for the end of tomorrow day, then tomorrow night. Keep going like that, half a day at a time, and before you know it you’ll have got to that week.

Thank you for your response.

His trauma stems from rejection and witnessing a lot of violence as a child, he grew up in care.

Mine not quite so traumatic, but definitely a difficult childhood, a traumatic bereavement and a previous relationship where although it was safe there was no affection really, we didn’t do anything. New man was extremely affectionate and the sex was really good which it often is in toxic relationships.

I’m going out with friends tomorrow, I don’t really have a lot of real life support - I hid what was happening because I wanted to protect him. I wasn’t really allowed out when we were together, if I did go I was always back early and he would pick me up.

I’ve started a college course this week that im really looking forward to, and I will start on that list. I had one before but I always caved when he came back.

I hope he won’t this time, but I need to be strong if he does.

You can go NC, you can do it. You need to block and delete him - it's irrelevant that he's blocked you, because that's a game he's playing, and he'll unblock and click his fingers and you'll be there.

Take each day at a time. Don't look at his social media. Don't look at any photos of him. Don't go to places or play music that remind you of him.

Meditate. Run. do yoga. See friends. Don't drink. It will get easier. Each day is easier.

And he will be back at some stage and then you need to be strong enough to say 'no more". I have taken back an abusive bf before, I know how hard it is. I know people who have taken a partner back after such awful degrading treatment that it is nothing less than insane.

But you can do it OP. (I don't know if you've got children, but honestly, they need you alive - it only took one act of violence for me to walk. I just couldn't put my children through that).

Thank you @Dery and @NailsNeedDoing.

Thinking of it as just tonight no contact makes it feel easier.

I didn’t think my relationship models were that bad growing up but I’m starting to see them differently and that scares me, like if I unpick that I’m going to have to do so much work on myself and I don’t even know where to begin.

I have downloaded Women Who Love Too Much and found it helpful when I started reading it last year, got halfway through and stopped when we got back together so I’ll definitely start that again.

I honestly feel like I will never have a normal healthy relationship.

The other poster is right, you have unresolved trauma to make you vulnerable to abuse in the first place. That needs working on right away. Block him back, and take space to focus on you and let the healing process start.
You probably won’t feel empowered and strong, you will feel upset, anxious, want to cave, want to snoop on his profiles and you will also be grieving the loss of him and the old version of yourself.
It’s going to be a journey but you can do it.

Right away I would suggest
Watch Stephanie Lyn on YouTube
Watch create the love on YouTube
Watch self love u on YouTube

Those videos have helped me more than any therapist. I have managed to break my trauma bond with the ex.

Unfortunately - paraphrasing Yoda - with no contact there is no try, there is only do.

Delete his number; block him on everything; get a friend to change your passwords on SM and not give them to you for a month; give your phone to a friend; write a list of everything that's shite about him and stick it up all over your home; make a list of all the things you've changed about yourself being with him; a list of the pros of being out of this relationship; don't drink because you'll weaken; make sure every minute of your time is filled; see friends and ban any talk of him; have a very visible calendar/token-jar and mark off each day of nc; decide to love , respect and support yourself.

Good luck.

@AnnaDyne thank you for your message, it’s made me cry for some reason!

I do have children, but he’s not been around them (50/50 custody with their dad so I get lots of free time) I do still feel like I’ve let them down so badly though, I’m distracted when we’re on a break, I’m not present enough. I hate who I am but then he comes back and it’s just relief and I don’t know why because deep down I don’t even want him.

I have blocked him, and unknown numbers but he would always ring off withheld because he knows I get a notification of him trying to ring.

One day at a time, I just need to find my strength I thought I was better than this.

What is your RL support network like? It feels like you need an alternative anchor during the first few weeks of being apart. Can you get a couple of close friends, parents or siblings that you trust on board?

Also, keep busy and have plans and chores to distract you and tire you out so you don't have lots of quiet time where you'll be tempted to message, track on social media etc.

Finally, seriously think about accessing therapy if you can. Maybe via work if they have something like an employee assistance programme available. Or look for DV charities local to your area and women's groups.

You can do this but the first few weeks will be hard. Also, it's not always a straight line out - you might start feeling much better then you'll suddenly think you'll be strong enough to contact him again. DON'T! That's the trauma bonded part of you trying to access a fix.

You’re all making me cry, thank you for taking the time to reply.

I will do everything suggested and check out the YouTube links.

I’ll post here when I’m struggling and take it one day at a time.

Do you feel like you want to "save him"? I ask because you mentioned his bad childhood.

I used to be attracted to dysfunctional people, wanting to save them. My mantra when I get the urge (hardly ever, these days) is:

I don't have the power - I can't fix someone else, change can only come from them.

I don't have the responsibility - I didn't cause this.

I don't have the right - Even if I could save a magic wand to change someones personality and choices, what right do I have? I wouldn't be pleased if someone tried to "fix" me to meet their own standards.

Get a new mobile? Change your landline number?

Would you believe me if I said I work for a domestic abuse charity?

Pathetic isn’t it!

@MMMarmite yes I absolutely did want to save him and I recognise that now.

I felt needed I suppose.

@Wolfiefan I have considered that, however right now I know if I had a new mobile number that he hasn’t blocked I’d just use it to contact him, so I want to keep the one he has blocked for now.

Freedom programme darling
You can’t sit through those 12 sessions and not end up finishing with him (I hope !)
It’s a really
Good programme
Refer either self or via social

It’s also an investment so you don’t fall for the same type again x

Your ex will find all kind of ways to contact you. Mine uses all sorts of different methods. At the end of the day it isn't about changing your number. It's about being strong enough. And in time you will get strong.

I was the same @ElleStartingOver - I let my children down so much, this man took up so much of my headspace both when I was with him and when I wasn't. But I got the jolt I needed.

Oh and counselling is invaluable. And your friends too. They can support you.

Maybe you would be better off without a mobile for a while then?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I always thought that I wasn’t being abused “enough” for the freedom program.

I’m starting to think differently

[quote ElleStartingOver]@MMMarmite yes I absolutely did want to save him and I recognise that now.

I felt needed I suppose.[/quote]
I know that feeling I didn't feel lovable, so felt I had to get someone to need me, instead.

Honestly, this can change - it's slow, but totally possible. For me it was about recognising my pattern. The last guy, an alcoholic, I could see the pattern so clearly, it was like I was watching myself repeat it.

And I told myself, I am not going to be a one person charity for fixing messed up men through the medium of relationships.

like if I unpick that I’m going to have to do so much work on myself and I don’t even know where to begin

You don't have to worry about this. The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. Take your focus off him, and put it all on yourself. Do REALLY nice things for yourself. What would your ideal, dream partner be doing for you now, if you were in a fabulous, loving, respectful relationship? Do that.

You have to create a space that's so good without him in it that you'll want him to stay away from you. You have to create a life that's better than the validation he gives you by coming back to you, because that's what you're after: validation. It's not him you want, and you know it: he's a pile of poo. It's the feeling of 'being wanted' that you chase. So, want yourself. Treat yourself like someone with high, high value. Validate yourself. Make your feelings valid.

That's the only relationship advice/work on yourself you have to do: Respect your feelings. So if someone makes you feel crap, you stay away from them, and you go out and you meet nice people that you feel good with. When you are surrounded by people who treat you well, you won't need to do any work on yourself. Think about it; do you feel like you have lots of work to do on yourself because of the way you behave with your trusted old friends?

It's all about who you choose to surround yourself with. You're in charge. You're an adult. Take out the drama and the catastrophising. Recognise that he is toxic, and like any poison would, he's creating unhealthy reactions in you (think of the mess a healthy body makes when it gets food poisoning - that's what he's doing with your emotions) If you recognise that the choice is yours, the power is yours, the responsibility is yours, to stay away from him, and don't dramatise, you'll settle easier. Keep yourself busy, and focus on you. This is ALL about you, and NOTHING about him.

@MMMarmite I like that, it may be my new mantra!

I already know I won’t get into another relationship for a long time and after I’ve done a lot of work and I don’t think I’d ever accept this behaviour again. I recognise it, but this has been so slow and insidious I’ve found it so difficult to get out of.

@TheFoundations thank you so much. Genuinely. I’ve never looked at it like that before, and you’re right. I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me when I’m with my friends.

I am taking in all of your advice, and I appreciate every bit of it. I know I’m too good for this shit deep down.