How do you break a trauma bond? Trying to go no contact but I can’t find my strength.

[ElleStartingOver]

It’s a trauma bond, I know it is. It’s not love.

He’s abusive. He’s told me I need strangling, he wishes I would die. He’s pulled my hand brake up while driving, smashed things in my home. He lies repeatedly, he leaves and then wants to come back days later, he’s an absolute cunt.

I’m not weak, I’m not scared of being alone, I KNOW I deserve better but why every time he leaves do I crumble and try to get him back? Believe me I know how stupid I sound reading it all back.

He’s gone again, apparently for good because he doesn’t like my attitude (ha!) and this time it’s for good. We’ve been arguing on text all day and now he’s blocked me everywhere.

I need to go no contact, I don’t want him back, but I seem to lose my self respect and my sanity when this happens and I can’t do it again I really can’t.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I think if I can get to a week of no contact I’ll be ok after then I just can’t seem to get there

Thank you @Pinkbonbon, I’ve decided to stay at my friends tonight just to be sure.

I’ve also decided to go and tell my mum everything tomorrow, it’s not my shame and I won’t protect him anymore.

I found that opening up to friends and family about my situation was really helpful. Their reactions took me by surprise as I’d normalised so much of the DA that was going on, and was initially very ashamed.

Reconnect with those you haven’t seen much of, and create an ‘Elles Army’ around you. It’ll all help.

Well done so far… and I really recommend doing The Freedom Programme. You can do it online.

The only way you can break free is by clearing everything of his, messages, pictures, any screenshots, gifts he gave u. Block his number delete his number change yours if need be. I know how difficult it is tho. I've been trauma bonded to someone for a year but my story is just ridiculous

@ElleStartingOver - hope it goes okay with your Mum today.

@ElleStartingOver

Thank you *@Pinkbonbon*, I’ve decided to stay at my friends tonight just to be sure.

I’ve also decided to go and tell my mum everything tomorrow, it’s not my shame and I won’t protect him anymore.

The more people you tell, the better. Don’t just block him, delete his number. Be thorough.

He’s a controlling manipulative jealous arsehole and does not deserve you. Live your life, get going, girl!

Hello everyone, sorry I’ve been quiet it’s been a rough weekend.

I’m struggling a lot tonight, it’s his birthday tomorrow and I’m finding it really hard to not reach out and wish him happy birthday. I know no good will come of it, I know I shouldn’t but I feel awful if I don’t. It’s fucked up isn’t it?

Coming here instead of texting him

You need to start living the truth of the relationship and stop protecting him. He doesn't deserve it and you do. Be honest with everyone and get some irl support - tell your mum, start there. You can do it, I belive in you. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Stay safe op.

@BlackIsQueen thank you.

I’m feeling too sad to say anymore really but genuinely, thank you.

Hi Elle

I really want to write 'He's told you that you need strangling' about 400 times, to remind you good and proper what he's like.

Why do you feel awful not wishing someone who can say that to you 'Happy birthday'?

Stay strong. This is about you, your boundaries, your happiness, and your future. This is not about him, and he's not involved in what's happening for you this evening. All your guilt feelings for not saying happy birthday to him are about you.

It's not fucked up, how you feel. It'll be a healthy reaction to something unhealthy that's happened to you in your past. Any ideas what it might have been? Look past him, beyond him. Think about YOU.

@TheFoundations hi, I’m happy you’re still here!

I wrote a list of all the awful things he said and did and keep reading it back, I won’t contact him but I do want to.

I don’t know, I feel sorry for him. I feel bad that he will be on his own in the morning, still want to fix him because I understand the reasons behind his behaviour…I don’t know. I will not contact him, I know that. No good will come of it, it’s not my job to fix him. It’s just hard tonight that’s all x

Just another little update, I haven’t messaged him and I’ve told my mum everything.

Feeling better than I did last night.

I have bagged up the last of his things, but can’t work out how to get them to him. He leaves them here (expensive things such as an iPad) and then usually gets in touch after a while to arrange collection, I don’t know if he does this on purpose or not but I don’t want to be waiting for him to do it again. I just want them gone.

What about leaving them with your mum, so he has to go there for them?

Isn't there anyone at work you can talk to about this, OP?

The very first thing you said: He’s told me I need strangling was enough for us to know you should run as far as you could from this man. He should be locked up.

Leave his stuff somewhere he goes; work or a friend's house. Get it gone.

still want to fix him because I understand the reasons behind his behaviour

But if he's fixable, why does he get to be the only adult in the world who's somebody else's responsibility to fix? If he's fixable, why hasn't he made the loving choice, to separate from you whilst he's broken, and come back to you when he's fixed himself? Why does he choose to stay with you and be abusive, when his actions are so understandable and fixable?

He needs to take responsibility for him, and you need to take responsibility for you. If being with him makes you subject to abuse, and he won't be responsible for stopping that, YOU need to be responsible for stopping that.

You can't fix him. Ever. That will never happen. Let it go.

I will speak to someone at work, I just feel drained with it all right now. Telling my mum has made me feel better.

Funnily enough I just came out of college to 4 texts and missed calls from his mums number, it was him asking for his stuff. I whatsapped his mum back and said I’d drop it at hers this week and I’ve heard nothing back.

I hate him, I don’t want him back and I will not go back I just want these feelings to go. Like he treated me like shit then discarded me like I was the problem, or there was something wrong with him. He has made it so that he doesn’t want me, and I hate that. Like I’m not good enough, when I know I am but how dare he think I’m not?

You can do this you can literally do this I promise.

I'm currently trying to break a trauma bond with my abuser and it's so hard literally so hard. We were so on and off it was terrible. Things are abit different now as there are measures put in place where we can't contact eachother as he has been done for committing a very serious assult on me which I guess should make no contact a bit easier

But no contact is the best thing you can do I promise you and soon it will start to empower you, write a list of all the shit things he did and reasons why he's a shit person and even little things that u disliked. Writing it out will help get it into your head but also whenever u feel like you miss him you can refer to it and it will counter balance those thoughts.

Spend time with your friends, if you feel the urge to msg or ring him literally give them your phone till the moment passes (which it will) or may sound silly but if I had an urge to contact him I'd tell my mate to tell me not too 😂 or I'd contact her for a 5mins chat instead of calling him.

Do something new and distracting, especially something that helps with personal development. I love going to the gym, it makes me feel strong and powerful, it helps with my mh and also I like the affects it has on my body too.

Talk to anyone you can, talking really helps it's hard to go through something like this on your own and ur own head can sometimes be a scary place ❤

Try contacting your local womans aid too they are so supportive and maybe can get you further help.

It will take time, it's not going to be easy but u can do it xxxx

Like I’m not good enough, when I know I am but how dare he think I’m not

Well, he's a bit 'off' with his thinking all round, isn't he. You're using logic against this style of thinking:

'He’s abusive. He’s told me I need strangling, he wishes I would die. He’s pulled my hand brake up while driving, smashed things in my home. He lies repeatedly, he leaves and then wants to come back days later, he’s an absolute cunt.'

He thinks those things are acceptable, but that you're not. If you want to apply common sense here, apply it to that comparison. There is no sense in the way he thinks, so don't give his thoughts/opinions the time of day.

If he wants to think you're the devil, incarnate, that's not a sign that you're the devil, incarnate. That's a sign that he's off his rocker. Hold fast to what you know you are. That's the truth, here. The further away from that his opinion of you is, the more sandwiches short of a picnic he is. The more shit he throws at you, the more loon he is.

Thank you again @TheFoundations. Nearly a week in and feeling good today.

I’m so sorry you’re going through similar @Laladell and I really hope you’re safe now and being kind to yourself? How long have you been no contact?x

@ElleStartingOver

Thank you again *@TheFoundations*. Nearly a week in and feeling good today.

I’m so sorry you’re going through similar @Laladell and I really hope you’re safe now and being kind to yourself? How long have you been no contact?x

We last spoke on the 16th, bail conditions and orders were put in place on 26th. Tbh knowing that he is literally nort allowed to talk to me has made it a abit easier it's still hard though especially when there's still an attachment but that's what a trauma bond is like.

I have managed to do it once before successfully for 3 months and honestly I had never felt better in my life it was amazing but me being me went back.

Well done for coming so far though nearly a week in is really good, after a week it starts to get easier and after 30 days it's A LOT easier. Just remember u can't force it and loads of different feelings are natural. Xxxx

Keep on keeping on and see if someone else can drop his stuff off…don’t let him hoover you back up.

How's it going OP?

On YouTube there are a few brilliant therapists who deal with trauma bonding/codependency/narcissism etc. These two were recommended here on MN a while back. Look up Lisa Romano and Dr Ramani. I have found these 2 amazingly insightful.