How do you break a trauma bond? Trying to go no contact but I can’t find my strength.

[ElleStartingOver]

It’s a trauma bond, I know it is. It’s not love.

He’s abusive. He’s told me I need strangling, he wishes I would die. He’s pulled my hand brake up while driving, smashed things in my home. He lies repeatedly, he leaves and then wants to come back days later, he’s an absolute cunt.

I’m not weak, I’m not scared of being alone, I KNOW I deserve better but why every time he leaves do I crumble and try to get him back? Believe me I know how stupid I sound reading it all back.

He’s gone again, apparently for good because he doesn’t like my attitude (ha!) and this time it’s for good. We’ve been arguing on text all day and now he’s blocked me everywhere.

I need to go no contact, I don’t want him back, but I seem to lose my self respect and my sanity when this happens and I can’t do it again I really can’t.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I think if I can get to a week of no contact I’ll be ok after then I just can’t seem to get there

I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me when I’m with my friends

And that's it. That's all the counselling you need, right there. From here on in, only spend time with people who don't make you feel faulty. Occupy yourself during this period of change with finding a bunch of them. Go to groups and clubs and classes and the gym and meet ups and shopping and walks. Do stuff for you. What's something you wish you knew about? Learn it; you can learn anything online. What book do you always wish you'd read? Read it. What genre of film do you wish you'd seen more of? Binge watch. Fill up all of your time with things that you'll think afterwards, 'I'm really glad I did that!', even if you might not enjoy it so much at the time because you're feeling a bit crappy right now.

You're standing on a springboard; this is a favour he's done you, to get you so low that you're ready to leap. Dignity is your force majeure, here. Quietly sail out of his life, and fully into yours. No drama. Every minute away from him is a victory, and gets you a minute closer to where (and to who) you want to be.

@TheFoundations I can’t thank you enough.

I have taken screenshots of your posts to read when I’m feeling low x

Op, there’s nothing I can add to all the thoughtful advice from others. I wish you strength and determination in your journey to a better life for you and your children. You sound like you have got so much insight into your situation. I wish you all the best.

@IsThePopeCatholic thank you for your kind words x

@TheFoundations
Really wise words here, makes a lot of sense to me and hopefully the OP.

Thank you all, I’ve re-read your posts this morning and they’ve made me feel like I can do this.

Here goes day 1.

Morning!

What is it that reading the posts gives you that you are failing to give yourself? That's the internal gap you need to work on filling.

Remember today that this is ALL ABOUT YOU, and that staying away from him (and anybody who makes you feel the way he does) is the key to your content future. You are in charge.

I think it’s hearing from other people that the fault doesn’t lie with me, that the way I’m feeling now is quite normal and reinforcing that if I do break contact I’ll just feel worse.

I don’t really have RL support so it feels like I’ve got a little mumsnet group who have my back and are telling me what I already know, but need to hear.

I just wanted to say that this is the post I needed today. I'm going through an almost identical situation to you and I feel exactly how you've described, right down to the hiding it from people and the shame. I also don't want him back, but at the same time feel so close to the edge of that. There's some great advice on here and some truly kind people. I'm a single mum, not his, and for me the evenings after my child are in bed are crippling. I also can't get childcare really as I don't have a great support system either. It's tough.

You've had some great advice, especially from Foundations and Marmite, and I don't have anything more wise to add but I just want to send you some strength and let you know there's another woman here cheering you on.

Someone once said to me that abusers like the challenge of taking down a "strong" woman and breaking them. It's fun for them to turn an independent, popular, confident woman into their slave, hidden at home and under their control.

Some don't go for "weak" (not that anybody is really weak but what they see as weak) but love to make a good person miserable. They take your kind instincts to help and turn them into something toxic.

You can do this.

@Shallwegoforawalk thank you, your message brought me to tears too! That’s exactly what he’s done.

One day at a time, that’s all I can do.

@LostSocksBrigade I’m so sorry you’re going through the same, there’s some lovely women and great advice here and feel free to hijack if you want to talk, or PM me if you like x

Wonderful wise words from TheFoundations OP, wishing you strength, resilience, determination and above all self belief that you can move forward and have a calmer and happier life.

@Seaoftroubles thank you

Something I got addicted to when I was in a similar position to you, OP. It did the same thing for me as this thread is doing for you now:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Especially the stuff on boundaries.

I think it’s hearing from other people that the fault doesn’t lie with me

You can always guarantee that, when it comes to emotions, the fault NEVER lies with you. Because it's not about 'fault'. There is no rulebook on emotions; you are allowed to feel exactly as you naturally do, about every situation, all the time. I was terrified when I first heard that, because it meant that I had to take responsibility for actually allowing my emotions and dealing with my reactions to them, rather than just squashing them as I'd always done before (which led to explosions)

I've heard it referred to as 'shepherding' our emotions, which is nice. They are the natural part of us, and, consequently, they are sometimes a bit wild. Anything goes. I see it for myself as looking after a child. If an inner tantrum comes, don't respond to the drama, but listen to what the basis of the upset is. Wait quietly until the drama passes, then deal with the root of the thing as an adult. Provide what was missing.

None of this is possible when you come from a standpoint of doubting whether you are 'right' to feel what you feel. You are ALWAYS right to feel what you feel. Even if it's some mad jealousy about the fact that your partner had a girlfriend 10 years before you met, or something equally unpalatable. The reason you are right is because your emotions are an accurate reflection of where you are, what you need, and the things you need to give yourself in order to be content.

One last thing: however ridiculous or unpalatable your emotions may seem, a partner who is a good match for you will be able to hold them. Take the ridiculous example of feeling fear when you see a spider. I'm talking from a 'UK' perspective, here. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. There is no danger at all; you're basically being a flapping lunatic. Only a terrible partner will call you on it, and tell you that you're being nuts. Any decent partner will support you, take the spider outside, promise to do the same with all future spiders, and not be mean to you about it.

Any 'faults' you have will be nurtured in the same way by a decent partner, so what 'faults' you have are irrelevant; you are allowed to be you.

Aww this was me a number of years back... it definitely isn't love and it absolutely is a trauma bond. It will ne tough but you'll get there. No contact is the only way though. You've just got to trust the process. I'm 6 years free now and honestly it took about 3 years to start to feel truly free but now I look back and I'm just filled with sadness that I wasted 6 years of my life with a horrible waste of space that ruined me and my life. For me I tried to keep busy, I did the Freedom Programme and then every confidence building group and CBT group I could find. You'll get there eventually, trust me!

@MissMaple82 thank you, that gives me hope!

I’m not going back. Definitely not.

I would also add, if you do go back, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t tell yourself you are a failure. Trauma bonds don’t work like that.

Took me years of going back and leaving to finally get out, and I would say I could quite easily teeter on the edge even now.

Get yourself some real life support in any form, friend, therapist, support group.

It’s so hard, but it is doable, you can do it. Just don’t beat yourself up if you don’t do it perfectly all in one go!

You can do it op!

Maybe dont drink much when you're with your friends tonight though. And make sure touch no way of contacting him when you are drinking (delete his number ect).

@ElleStartingOver

It’s a trauma bond, I know it is. It’s not love.

He’s abusive. He’s told me I need strangling, he wishes I would die. He’s pulled my hand brake up while driving, smashed things in my home. He lies repeatedly, he leaves and then wants to come back days later, he’s an absolute cunt.

I’m not weak, I’m not scared of being alone, I KNOW I deserve better but why every time he leaves do I crumble and try to get him back? Believe me I know how stupid I sound reading it all back.

He’s gone again, apparently for good because he doesn’t like my attitude (ha!) and this time it’s for good. We’ve been arguing on text all day and now he’s blocked me everywhere.

I need to go no contact, I don’t want him back, but I seem to lose my self respect and my sanity when this happens and I can’t do it again I really can’t.

Please, does anyone have any advice? I think if I can get to a week of no contact I’ll be ok after then I just can’t seem to get there

Do you have a chaotic background OP? Alcoholism, physical, emotional abuse? Finding toxic individuals as friends or partners feels like a train running smoothly on a track. That's because it's familiar territory.

Lots of people are afraid of intimacy and they unconsciously choose partners who can't meet their needs. You need some therapy to help you look at this dynamic more closely. Read up on 'the games people play' including the Karpman Drama triangle.

You might get on well with psychodynamic therapy which helps you to see these patterns.

It's hard work OP so break it down into chunks. Come up with some positive affirmations for yourself and keep repeating them when you feel tempted. Find a project you've been putting off for ages. Block him on all forms of media and ask people not to talk about him. If you have cash, start paying yourself a pound everytime you don't message him. Get a jar with 'holiday cash' or 'cashmere jumper' written on it and start rewarding yourself when you don't contact him.

Start marking off the days on a calendar for every day you don't contact him. Have a look at headspace and mindful meditation. Go 30 days no contact and fight your way through it, it becomes easier after that.

Im also going through this (and also work for a domestic abuse charity...). It's hell and I didn't even like the relationship but that pesky trauma bond is breaking my heart. It must have more to do with my own traumas and vulnerabilities than with how amazingly wonderful he was. Because he was a self obsessed twerp.

I've "ignored" him on social media. It helps.

Do you know the 30 days no contact approach? It’s method where you do not contact your ex for 30 days, the thought behind the idea is to make them miss you like crazy whilst you work on an improved version of yourself that you show them after the 30 days. I found out trough experience and doing this method that you can also use this method to really force yourself to get over your ex. Day by day you tell yourself’no contact, I must work on myself first’ and by the end of the 30 days (or 60 days, or 90 days) you are basically over this person and don’t want them back. I think this might be what you need. And to prevent yourself from trauma bonding again with someone else, get therapy ASAP, read about trauma bonding, try to understand the proces that’s going on in your brain and how you can help/ heal yourself.

Thank you all so much, still reading and taking in your advice!

I won’t contact him tonight, I’m going to drive and avoid drink.

I think my upbringing was more chaotic than I thought although it seemed normal at the time. My mum and dad divorced when I was 9, apparently there were a lot of arguments and even violence when I was little but I don’t remember it. I keep being told I used to take my baby brother and hide under the kitchen table, he and I were incredibly close and he died in a car accident when he was 18.

I don’t know, I don’t really want to scratch the surface but I feel like I am quite self aware and know where these issues stem from.

30 days is what I’m aiming for, and then 60, 90 and so on but I am finding it helpful to break it down into daily chunks.

Tbh I wouldn't split it down into 30, 60, 90 segments. I'd just tell myself 'its over and that's that'. And maybe every time your thoughts go to him, say to yourself loudly 'its over and thats that'.

After a few weeks/month free of him with no contact though, you'll probably find the trauma bond part if things should lift.

I think a lot of it is linked to your body being used to its ups and downs being governed by his moods. So when they are gone, it's like you're in a freefall and it doesn't know whats what. Once you get that side of things sorted (get a routine on the go maybe and make sure to eat right and excersise) it should get easier. And once the anger sets in, thats when you'll know you're home free.

I think you’re right @Pinkbonbon, it’s the high and low cycle my body is trying to withdraw from. I just need to understand it’s going to take time and it’s ok to feel shit.

He’s been trying to ring me. It’s always on the weekend he wants to come back, he gets so jealous and angry thinking I might go out. I haven’t rang back and I won’t, I’ll update late tonight or tomorrow because I’m going to turn my phone off for a while and concentrate on my friend x

Yeah I mean thers been studies on how prolonged stress changes the brain and its known that abuse can make people physically ill over time. So definately be kind to yourself and things will get better.

I hope you feel safe from him op?
Maybe make double sure your doors are locked tonight. And don't be slow to call the police if he shows up!